Day 21 of 21: 30s GLM
The best part of this cycle was when I got the feel good positivity stuff from CFW.
I still plan to go to regular Chosen now.
Night:
Just went and bough some shirts from someone. They’re button up shirts and I got a bunch of them for really cheap. So I go there and pick them up and they have hangars, it’s like a rummage sale set up, lol. So I ask if she needs anything from them. Thinking maybe she needs the sticker prices but she said she needed the hangers because they didn’t belong to her. So I have to wait for I dunno, maybe 5-10 minutes while she takes the hangers and folds the shirts for me. Then she has to make small talk. So I try to be as present as I can.
But I don’t like that kind of thing because I like to get my stuff and leave. No hanging out. So I’m standing there trying to be as present as I can and not show any “impatience” or whatever. And we’re talking about the weather and stuff. Then she starts doing this thing that used to freak me out. Now I’m not thinking in words, but say I just become aware of my posture or how the weight is more on one leg than the other. Just being aware of myself. So then she starts saying what I’m aware of. It’s like how there’s people who say it as they think it. So it’s like, “knee,” And then she says “love.”, “calm” etc. As I’m aware of it, and I’m not thinking in words.
That kind of thing used to send me spiraling into paranoid, fearful type thinking. Then it used to be like oh no, what if they’re picking up on some unconscious thoughts or something. But yea, that kind of thing got me thinking my only option was no mind, or no thought. But if you try to control the thoughts or whatever, then it kind of spirals. So my other thought used to be well what if I could only think what I want, if they believe thoughts are real, like uhh, they believe the bad thoughts, well what if I could only think what I want them to think. But neither one of those has happened yet. My mind is more quite and I don’t go off into that fearful thinking, I can just move on and forget about it. After all, thoughts are not reality.
It’s just wild too when it’s almost like they say things that you thought were your thoughts. Then it’s like well am I picking up on theirs or something, what is this? Even weirder when they think they’re your thoughts. To me it’s like if you’re hearing voices that aren’t yours, why do you think I’m the crazy one? I’m not hearing no voices. I’m not the one claiming to be hearing someone else’s inner dialogue, lol.
But that has me considering maybe to stick with CFW. That’s why I’m always on healing titles. Say when I used to date, you’d have a woman in the car. And she’s doing this hyper analysis, and some people like I said, they just say things out loud, I don’t think they always realize it. So it just gets or got uncomfortable to be under hyper focus. In the past it used to be almost like some people would go into trance around me. It was like bugs drawn to a light at night. That’s a big reason I’m still basically hermit mode.
But I always hear that more people are having these weird experiences. So then I feel better because I went through it already, and when I did it was that I stuck out like a sore thumb. So if more people are going through some of this crazy stuff, then I’m like I got nothing to worry about. Been there, done that, now they’ll have some other distraction besides me.
End of Night
I’m leaning towards staying on CFW. I think it’s beneficial to do a title long term. But the pull on Chosen was that I wanted to test out Chosen after 4 cycles of CFW. But I may want to deepen those changes from CFW.
I’ll also take a look at my DRLD/LBFH custom. I’m open to running it. Just at microloops and it could be smoother after my time with CFW.
But being that we’re in the last 3 months of the year, I think the positivity of CFW should win out and keep it in the stack to finish the year. I think Chosen might be more positive because it’s not a healing focus, I just think there’s more depth to get with CFW.
