A ZP journey, from Melior

Journals - Major Programs
#343

Thanks a lot Lion

Your vibe is really a gift for this community
I hope you’re doing well

As a moment of clarity
I’ve noticed that most fears if not all of them comes down to the fear of death

Wich if not accepted as a fact of this reality creates anxiety that can be ignored for a while or maybe even years or decades

Until it becomes too much to carry, the shadows of death becomes overwhelming present at one point in our life

Then anxiety starts to show it’s nose, it can start slowly with just short moment of fears or absence, and if not taken care of properly like in my case or kept ignored, unroll as full on blown panic attacks with the whole symptoms created by the shear fear that will make one think he is dying

Easy to say but a nightmare to live
The solution I see : coming to a term with it as a step of life

Once again easier said than done
But I’m working on it

So currently trying to find the right spot between “Not today” & “One day”

Because too much of one creates anxiety and the other depression but as incredible as it may seem I genuenly think that most humans do it incredibly well naturally

It looks like it’s more a problem of thinkers or people with a natural tendency to be in their head like I seem to be

One big helper : Action
Therefore my favorite one : Sports & workout
Wich I really need to redo more frequently

That was my monologue of today
I needed to write that somehow and maybe someday it’ll help someone else

5 Likes
#344

It seems that I’ll be going under the scalpel to correct my problem next month

I’ve already been operated there a very long time ago
Hopefully now with paragon the literal healing won’t be as much of a pain in the ass

Because last time it was hell and it took soooooo long (2 years to be completely fully healed)

It’s a bit bothering because I won’t be able to pursue sport for a while then but it’s life I guess
I’ll find my own way to stay healthy and exercice somehow to keep those endorphin shots

Hopefully after a few months it’ll be done once and for all like it should’ve been last time

Also no need to worry it isn’t a matter of life or death it’s just a really bothering deffect of nature more than anything else

3 Likes
#345

I’ve been feeling a bit better recently

Much less eaten alive by though and more present in day to day’s life

A bit tired throughout the days but to a tolerable extend, I have more than enough energy to accomplish whatever comes or is needed to be done

My body seems to heal quicker especially in zones I observe any sort of troubles

Yes as a disclaimer I’m under medical supervision like I somewhat indirectly mentioned earlier.

I’m happy nonetheless that the sub is doing it’s work like usual

As a result of all of this I can finally wake up without feeling stuck in limbo and needing energy just to open my eyes, doesn’t seem like much but damn is it a relieve I hate sleeping so much when it’s not a choice and even more when I feel like it’s impossible to get out of bed

Current goal to wake up at 7.30am with energy and ready to start the day

I wish I could have a bit more fun with subs like the LBFH who just has come out or even spartan and why not some wanted but I’m doing my best to first focus myself on my base structure to carry out myself better in the futur, so let’s say I’m strengthening my delaying gratification muscle

Love to all and may you find the strength to do just one step at a time for those who need it

The wise men who want to move a mountain start with rocks

3 Likes
#346

I’ve been feeling way better

So far no more panic attacks which is a tremendous relieve since it started to reach impossible levels of anxiety almost 24/7

I also feel more easily grounded on a day to day basis

So Elixir is doing it’s thing pretty good
As for paragon he’s helping me feeling better physically obviously

I’ve finished the first cycle
I’m going for a second round then I’ll allow myself to play with more ‘’ cool’’ subs like the new LBH, along spartan and some nice touch of wanted ofc

I see that I’ ve just arrived after a nice little update for the zp format and that each title I downloaded were updated

As a last note
Next week is surgery time, hopefully paragon will help me heal faster than last time and FOR the last time in that area

5 Likes
#347

Here come the new cycle
For once I’ll try with 3 days rest I feel it’s enough

I’ve decided to play a loop of LBH instead of Paragon every now and then (along Elixir)
I think it’ll help make the process smoother and more confortable

I’ve noticed that although I have a lot of willpower toward my goals and won’t give up the desire to feel and be better, I ask a lot from myself and my inner voice can be a bit a bit harsh and lacking patience
I also want to slowly erase those thoughts that are tying me down and making me afraid of going forward

Some self love should help isn’t it?
I may go for 1 on 2 off
I’ll see as times goes on

3 Likes
#348

Great to see your perseverance and determination. Very inspiring, my friend.

Here’s to good health and strength. Much love :pray:

2 Likes
#349

It seems like it was good call to play a loop of LBH yesterday

I’m already experiencing so much effects of it this morning

I feel more internally able to be happy (even if I’m not smiling or feeling happy in the moment) and I’m way more naturally playfull

Also a big change for me is that I had a blockage about some desires that I felt I shouldn’t go for
But now I deeply feel like it’s okay AND that somewhere in the future it’ll be true, plain and simple

I can say that it helps a lot
The processus of healing will be so much less dreadful compared to what it was this last month

Anyway next loops are going to be Elixir and paragon tomorrow I’ll see how that energy carry out through the day and tomorrow

2 Likes
#350

Hey there! Welcome back! :slight_smile:

I’m glad you found your way to LBH. I was rather black-pilled with dread and fear a couple of weeks ago, but that gem really pulled me out of it. One thing LOVE energy (both towards self and others) is that it gives you a sense of “being safe” in whatever environment you find yourself in.

And also, when you don’t feel dread for your well being… you free up resources to be playful in life, like you mentioned. Makes me happy to hear :slight_smile:

Wish you well and love brother, and best of healing both physical and internal! :blush:

2 Likes
#351

What I’ll note today is that a healing journey is really different from any others the recon is not as confy as it used to be

I guess it’s normal since it touches to both the mental and physical in this case so a lot of energy is being used to parts of myself I haven’t addressed since I’m a child I guess, fears that are so old and ‘’ smarts’’ that they have taken different shapes

The recon is translated into heavy feelings of inadequacy, feeling lost, for most of the time,
It really make me live over and over again what I really don’t like BUT everytime I find a new tip to lessen those bad times quicker, and each and everytime the recon go away I feel so much better

Always a little bit more than the last time
Like the song say : ‘’ Can we skip to the good part? ‘’ lmao

2 Likes
#352

Also if I had one more thing to say
It’s I think something really important that I feel might be an artifact I have from the void of before I was born if such things are possible :

“Resilience”

If not for a life then for this second only, this moment, this present

That’s the only real thing there is

As simple as it is

Good things are bound to happen

2 Likes
#353

I really like how much more gentle toward myself and my feelings I become after the loops of LBH I’ve had

It really help to stay patient

3 Likes
#354

I’ve noticed today that I’ve become much more social over the last few months

Especially this last few weeks
It feels like I’m becoming more extraverted

It has become much more easy for me to appreciate the presence of people and interact with them and just be myself without filter

I think it’s more an indirect consequence of my sub journey but a really welcome one
Wich brings me more into balance

3 Likes
#355

Paragon is also doing some wonders
I had a really bothering ailments (mostly really complicated to heal) for a while and now it has healed enough that it isn’t causing me any more troubles for a few days.

So Ooray!

3 Likes
#356

I forgot to mention
But paragon also seems to really max out my ability to develop muscle during recovery time

Let’s say I feel healthier in general

Usually paragon start it’s effect when I consciously notice that part X of my body could be better

Then it usually start to give results pretty quickly

2 Likes
#357

I felt pretty good today

Maybe not amazing but good enough that it feels great compared to last week

I’ve had an easy time smiling to people (+ them smiling back naturally, and it seemed like it gave them a bit of joy enough that it lasted after smiling) or doing tasks

I’ve had a boost in mood especially after having an idea on what to do for the next few months coming (planning)
Like a piece of a puzzle coming perfectly in place

It felt right compared to all the other choice where I wasn’t sure (I wasn’t feeling much of anything thinking about them)

So I’m crawling back up a little bit more everyday
I’m really glad I dared to shake a bit my plan and added LBH into the mix

2 Likes
#358

Update specific for paragon :

So far after going under the knife like last time but with paragon to my side

-The pain lessened much faster in time I would say 3 times quicker in term of days

-My body seem to be stronger in term of immunity since it’s less inflamed and produce less ‘’ crap’’ that need to be cleaned as a result of the surgery

-It looks like I’ m basically healing quicker
I have hopes to be done with this struggle 3-6 times faster than last time and once for good also

So far so good

2 Likes
#359

For a small talk

It looks like I’ve become quite sensible to subs for now so I’ve tried with 5 or 7 min

Both didn’t improve the after effects

I don’t know if it’s because the title I’m using are healing oriented or something else all together but recon has been really hard, even when I tried 7 min LBH solo mode

I think I’ll stick to an instinct usage of subs every now and then, it’s been a week since my last loop

But for a really massive positive point I’ve been slowly finding back my marks into my own life and it feels great

I knew it would be possible but I’m still impressed to how I feel compared to 2 month ago

For that I have to thanks Elixir a lot but also my own incredible capacity to be patient with myself and to be able to go through that storm day by day, hour by hour

One of thoughts that helped me was : ‘’ I have to go through it, otherwise how will I be able in years to help my children or close ones going through such periods if I gave up’’ (PS : I don’ t have kids yet)

Also on another note I’ve gift myself a nice little custom that I haven’t played yet but is it normal the file is 174MB? Just for the masked I know I’ve taken standard-solace AND .flac but I wasn’t aware it would be such a huge chunk, the ultrasonic is still only around 20 MB?

I’m a bit surprised to say the least
Anyway…

I’m rejoicing into starting back a physical activity because damn I want to grow back some muscle :sunglasses:

And spartan is looking pretty cute overthere :eyes::ok_hand:t2:

1 Like
#360

I’ve basically healed from my surgery in no time compared to the exact same previous one

So yeah paragon worked wonderfully
I would say it went approx 3 times faster

I’d say that I’m a whole lot better than in the previous months in almost all areas.

Also if I’m not as active on the forum it’s because like you could’ve guessed, I’m focusing on myself more than ever before

So I’m quiet but I’m making my moves!

Hope you’re all doing good and keep going at it, for those that has fallen into a bad place of some sort, remember : if you’re doing what you need everyday, even if it feels like hell, it’ll feel just a tiny bit less tomorrow, and it’ll feel not as worse the next week

In no time, step by step, day by day, you’ll be better of you give yourself the chance to

Trust in thyself

You’re strong and capable enough
Sometimes think less act more
Especially when it’s about your health of any sort

4 Likes
#361

I’m currently in a prolonged washout after my usage of my fun custom that followed Elixir and LBFH a while ago

I’ve found that for quite some time previously to that washout that I was unaware of how much I was in overstimulation especially in my mental function and nervous system Wich ended up provoking really hard panic attack on a regular basis and some more really bad symptom I don’t even wanna talk about

So despite all odds I just decided to cut most form of stimulation (subs included) until I felt that I was back to my real baseline, basically I went ‘’ don’t think - just live mode’’

With my weekly and daily list of things to do to regenerate - cold showers - Exercice - optimal diet intake

Soon I’ll have reached the 2 months mark (for the sub part - as for the rest I had removed stimulation months before) and I feel wayyy better on so many aspect I really can’ t explain how much I missed being able to have a day without a feeling of imminent fictional death

I forgot why I wanted to mention all of this lmao
Maybe for myself

1 Like
#362

On a side note
It’s so hard not to break with this new experimental going on ahahah

Everyday I feel so much desire starting back using subs
In the meantime I use that rush of energy to further regenerate myself and relax some more while reading all of your amazing stories to fuel later motivations :sunglasses:

Side note nb°2

In my previous use of my custom Wich has sex mastery in it

I noticed that sex was just woaw…
Something else all together

Honestly to me it worked better than diamond in all aspects, sex was easy and felt incredibly smoother, more sensual, more everything

The sensations, the connection… Easy like flipping a switch

When I think about having sex it’s exactly what sex mastery has brought on the table

Sadly I only used my custom brievly for the sake of helping my Lil’ nervous system, therefore results went away as expected
So that’s another point why it’s so hard right now for me to patiently wait :roll_eyes:

I’m eager to transfer that custom into v2
And see how it’ll take effects this time

1 Like