A Northern Power (Not Nice)

Journals - Major Programs
#242

Dragon Fire gains

Feeling stronger since the Saturday emotional flashback. Stronger like a rod up my ass. Still feel purged and hollowed out from the solar plexus from all that healing. Struggling with trying to overcome historic trauma and yet it is actually happening for real with DR and getting a sense of direction with Genesis. For the first time in my life, my own soul is running the show.

Faced down a terror fear of working with people who dislike me and I passed with flying colours! I went in with the intention of doing a great job for myself - fuck what the other person was doingā€¦ Now I feel like the dragon unleashed and 20x stronger and more confident!

Excuse the crudeness but the Dragon strength comes from knowing who the fuck I am, what I stand for and my own agenda. Others can talk cash shit about me if they want - doesnā€™t affect meā€¦

Even though Dragon Fire has taken my soul and crucified it on the cross, Iā€™ve been the rising wounded phoenix who knows heā€™s just tasted a greater power for the first time. :fire:

2 Likes
#243

Week 4 of Dragon Fire

Benefits of Stage 1 so far

  • all round basic foundational confidence with no doubts whatsoever about who I am :rainbow: no matter where I am

  • continual releases of past trauma and anxiety. Recon on week 4 is now just mild tiredness

  • work (still a bag of shit) is becoming easier because I donā€™t intimidate easily anymore, soft skills like assertiveness are emerging naturally without the fake posturing. I called security

  • being more precise and present without escaping into dissociation the minute stuff gets difficult, or self sabotage fearing success. (still needs some work)

  • threats no longer faze me, I called security on an old abusive man who previously called me a monkey and felt no way about him being accosted by two big bastards.

  • art is still very important to me, seeing and creating art. Iā€™m leaning more towards erotic paintings as a specialism because that seems to drive me in some way. Ultimate Artist got a loop and my works have become looser and more expressive.

Iā€™ll be taking a washout in a few days time before ST2, but Iā€™m impressed. Living anxiety free seemed an impossibility a year ago, now itā€™s real.

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#244

Its good to see you fighting your own inner demons or accept them, either way its shadow work that really makes a difference in making ourserlvs better.

I know i am a pain in the ass, but i cant see someone suffering like i did and not doing nothing about it, you need to quit that toxic Job or become the Boss and change stuff there, it will only consume you brother trust me.

There is tons of things to do online nowadays or even better making your own biz, i discovered one time that i would make more money fishing shrimp in sea rocks for 2 hours a day than a Director of a company, it was kinda of Eureca moment for me abour my time, effort and money.

6 Likes
#245

Dragon Reborn ST1 washout

Summing up the ST1 experience and (shit job aside) I feel a lot more solid, less fearful, more grown up and a tad more loving to myself. Iā€™ve gotten through some tough times (which included tough recon) and come out of it better prepared. Feeling more comfortable within and seeing potential in choosing a direction in life.

Still having occasional freakouts but thatā€™s the nature of such a shitty hostile work environment. Luckily I move very soon :+1:

After a few days itā€™s ST2, Iā€™m told it is just as difficult as ST1 but bring it on!

Thanks to Genesis my needs are as follows:

  • Creativity focus
  • Better employment prospects
  • More money
  • Self esteem and confidence

Wondering if Ascended Mogul/DR ST2 would be a good ideaā€¦?

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#246

Echoism

Iā€™ve just learned this term to describe a victim of narcissism. It fits me to a T exactly what Iā€™ve been trying to battle for my whole life.

Echoism is described as a response to growing up with narcissistic parents:

  • Lack of sense of self, low self esteem

  • Fear of becoming selfish

  • Fear of taking up space

  • Fear of asking for what you want

  • Going along to get along

  • Avoiding attention

  • Caretaking (involuntary)

  • Bad boundaries

In my relationship, Iā€™ve found myself saying things like ā€œIā€™m upset because Iā€™m too sensitiveā€ because I disagreed with someone. Agreeing is easier than disagreeing (risking anger from others). That is echoism.

The solution seems to be finding that manly drive and believing that yes I am my own person and deserve to be!

However playing DR it seems lā€™m also getting the classic reconciliation where itā€™s ok to not play ST2 because ofā€¦ reasons.

Difficult shit to overcome.

4 Likes
#247

Feel you on this.

Had all kind of past people telling me how egoistic, selfish, arrogant whatever Iā€™d have become (since using Emperor), but matter of fact, I am finally establishing boundaries with people, and they hate losing control. It drives them nuts.

All the best!

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#248

Ever look up narcissistic abuse?

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#249

How about watching some interviews on narcissism at YT with Dr. Ramani Durvasula?

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#250

@RVconsultant very familiar with Dr Ramani as well as Richard Grannon and Jay Reid, latterly the most lucid on the effects of childhood narcissism.

Going to try something a little different:
Dragon Reborn ST2 + LBFH for 30 days.

The type of healing LFBH offers is the kind I respond to best, ā€œloveā€ and loving the self forms a foundation to become assertive, even though my idea of ā€œloveā€ is full of conditions, violence and disempowering beliefs about self worth.

Gone in too hard with 3 loops, whilst doing great, itā€™s a brand new sensation of getting into the new clothes of self esteem and feeling my way around.

2 Likes
#251

Love Bomb for Humanity is probably the best subliminal Iā€™ve ever listened to (sorry PCC, you can still be second!):

Some results from just five days:

  • A much better sense of my self and value, whatever anyone says about me is automatically wrong and it doesnā€™t bother me anymore. No more reaching out to be validated. Self love feels cool on the outside and warm inside.

  • Work became effortless and (dare I say it, enjoyable?) Iā€™ve stopped hating the customers and let go of the animosity and suspicious behaviour and just treated them normally. The good thing is they also respond well, even the hard to please lot.
    I get tipped a lot too :money_mouth_face:

  • Passing my partnerā€™s shit tests. Before Iā€™d take her accusations and occasional flip outs personally, now I recognise them, instead using LFBH to draw upon self love and esteem and just stay still. No more getting up and leaving being offended.

  • The feeling that all will be right :+1:

Dragon ST2

  • Looked up my previous female friends, felt a little angry they were doing well for themselves, but realised that rejection was a good thing, I couldnā€™t offer them what they were looking for - and thatā€™s fine.

  • Better boundaries - personally and professionally. No to being overworked, no to disrespect, no to stuff I donā€™t want to do.

  • No more doubting self, better self esteem and realising that I can be solid and respected without resorting to hard ā€œalphaā€ tactics.

6 Likes
#252

Yeah LBFH is the most Alpha sub in the shop, without beeing Alpha if it makes sense.

4 Likes
#253

Iā€™m feeling resistance to Dragon ST2 for the sole reason of becoming more masculine. It feels natural, yet uncomfortable to try to stop the masculine energy from expressing itself. In my belief, being a man feels wrong (hello social programming!). Asking for what I want, making sure that things get done respectfully and moving the needle generally is new programming that Iā€™ll probably challenge until it gets overridden. It isnā€™t just ā€œgrowing upā€ that I need to adjust to, itā€™s also learning a new way of being that is more in line with being a masculine man.

I fear things might happen out if my control with this new masculine energy, things like:

  • wanting to come on to my coworkers
  • looking at other women with a desire for sex
  • demanding sex from my partner
  • choosing not to be assertive with customers and let the insults slide

However I am:

  • walking around a lot slower at work
  • remaining calm whilst under pressure
  • being rewarded with a new place to work
  • getting regularly tipped at work :money_mouth_face:
  • recognising that my own internal map of life has shifted for the better, lots of redundant actions to get love have stopped

Dragon ST2 is tiring me out.

3 Likes
#254

Trying out Dragon Reborn ST2 with DR: Limit Destroyer. Seems there are a lot of mental challenges to overcome:

  • Knowing and demonstrating physical love
  • Demolishing the idea that I am a constant failure (donā€™t even try)
  • Trying to understand why my family kept me emotionally at arms length

The first one has me in breathing trouble. When attempting to physically express love to a safe person, my breathing shortens. Why? Not sure, maybe fear of being trapped?

The second comes up when wanting to push forward generally. Thereā€™s no drive whatsoever. Adding for things, initiating things with my my partner, practicing my creativity. Why shouldnā€™t I be exhibiting my work in public. Oh, but I might get rejected again, why bother?

Sadness when realising my family keeping me at arms length emotionally. I donā€™t know what healthy love is.

All in all, my potential should have been greater but Iā€™ve swallowed so many duff beliefs from a young age that are running my behaviour. My weight, for example came from my father, but I took it and ran with it.
I donā€™t have my own beliefs because I donā€™t know who I am or too scared to start being what I stand for (Echoism).

Iā€™ve gotten lost under the mountains of shit trying to find myself to become emotionally strong, taking time away from pushing myself to be great within my own creative talents. My early learning curve in life was far too steep and now Iā€™m relearning in order to readjust to real life.

It upsets me to have such a late start and feel much time has passed, still trying to overcome, but thatā€™s the challenge, innit.

3 Likes
#255

Iā€™m looking at starting DR:LD at the end of the month. I enjoy reading your posts since I realize Iā€™m not alone. We both want out of this pain stuck on repeat, and we both battle ourselves to make even seemingly small changes.

Oh, to have a desire not be squashed so quickly by my own inner voice. Thatā€™d be something worth getting used to.

And regarding expressing love to a person, I still lock up. I see now I did so often when I was married. Iā€™ve been noticing my feelings and thoughts when around the few women at work. Like thereā€™s an emotional ā€œoh SHIT!!ā€ feeling. I tend to retreat vs. escalating.

1 Like
#256

How am I feeling on Dragon ST2?

Doubts and boredom

Iā€™m sure recon is playing a part in me ā€œtestingā€ and switching subs often, thinking that Dragon ST2 isnā€™t not working properly.

Still trying to fix my post narcissism syndrome - even going as far as wondering if my partner is a narcissist. Learning to trust again after a lifetime of being shamed for having ā€œweaknessesā€ is a big thing to learn.

It was also my birthday and not one of my family members contacted. I discussed this with my partner, and realising that my normal of expecting very little on my birthday is NOT normal. She came through for me that day. Still feel like Iā€™m not enough for her - for myself and for others and I still have the idea that I need to do something in order to be loved/accepted.

They said ST2 was difficult, two weeks in and I agree, adjusting to a slightly new mindset is difficult.

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#257

  1. Sabotage the childā€™s growth with shame and guilt because independence is threatening to the parent.

  2. Deny the above when confronted.

I see a need for a specialised subliminal just to deal with the after effects of being brought up with bad code. Genesis/LD/LBFH stack is too much.

3 Likes
#258

ā€œBad codeā€ sounds pretty fitting.

I listened to Genesis and LBFH yesterday, and Iā€™ve had undesirable issues on my mind this afternoon.

  1. Feeling guilty about leaving work earlier than normal (when I could have stayed) and

  2. Feeling guilty when my housemate is unhappy with something. Makes me not want to come home since something always seems off. I believe in taking responsibility, but carrying everyone elseā€™s is not desirable.

Breaking ā€œbad codeā€ sounds desirable :+1:

For me, ā€œbad codeā€ in this context translates to

ā€œIf anyone is unhappy, itā€™s your responsibility to make them happyā€

1 Like
#259

Genesis and DR LD is definitely doing it for me. But man does it go in waves. From ā€œyou got thisā€ to ā€œwhen is this pain going to go awayā€. Itā€™s not easy facing the real feelings underneath all of it in the slightest for me. I still find myself detaching without realizing. Like kinking up a hose, the flow stops. Iā€™ve identified itā€™s not just the fact the emotions get detached from but the meta feelings surrounding having those emotions in the first place. Itā€™s such a convoluted thing.

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#260

ST2 approaching three weeks

Still very drained from ST2 but a result as that ST2 is possibly getting rid of my background anxiety. Iā€™m on work holiday but Iā€™ve noticed the rumbling unease in the background that Iā€™ve learned to cope with in my life has disappeared. Hmmā€¦ I just donā€™t have it anymore.

Feels kindaā€¦ boring.

@SaintSovereign previously suggested the recon boredom and switching up sub titles is when the breakthrough is round the corner. Iā€™ve thought of ending ST2 numerous times because maybe Iā€™m stubborn enough to just let go of the hard luck story of ā€œthe abused childā€. Maybe feeling weak and powerless are tricks, convincing me to stop the progress made on Dragon Reborn?

Whoever said ST2 was difficult was right, but in a way that forces you out of decades of being in the world.

2 Likes
#261

Approaching the end of ST2

I think DR:LD has cracked the code.

I now feel such clarity and relaxation about myself now that I no longer have to think about conquering the past and hang on to my hard luck story. This is such a personal breakthrough that I now donā€™t need to constantly focus on my failures and defeats and plan for a clean slate.

(as an aside: I can deal with homesickness too because what I yearned for but never gained in family was swapped out for a calm home with my loving partner. It still upsets me that I received a ā€œhappy birthdayā€ a day lateā€¦)

Iā€™m also aware of another crippling belief - the fear of success! Why? Well, once picked out as the ā€œfaulty oneā€, I was never encouraged to blatantly show off and be proud of my wins, rather my failures were brought up and reinforced. I wasnā€™t allowed to shine, so thatā€™s another belief I want to smash.

So interested to start DR ST3 and maybe even using Rebirth to turn the page.

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