A More Lovable James Bond :>

Journals - Major Programs
#141

Actually, in my teens when I was still a virgin I felt the same way (i.e. that sex and hooking up etc. was degenerate) though at the same time I wanted it… weird huh? Then after my first gf (age 16/17), which was not a positive experience for me though I learned a lot, I felt less that way but maybe that’s partly because I was in such a whirlwind of emotions at the time, during and after the relationship. I started drinking around that time, so that plus the trauma of my first gf equalled my not having much of a problem hooking up in my early-mid 20s. But it wasn’t tht fulfilling anyway because almost all of the girls weren’t very attractive, definitely not up to my standards tbh…but I was drunk pretty much every time. So yeah, the truth is I’ve never been intimate with a girl I consider an 8 or above. I hate that. And I’m not a bad looking guy either, like I definitely could’ve and still can, but now I have this weird thinking it’s degenerate thing going on. And I find the jealousy I get from seeing other guys with attractive girls to be invigorating honestly. Idk. I’m fucked. Yeah, I’m thinking maybe I’m naturally this way? Or I have deep trauma, guilt/shame associated with sex/hooking up. If so, Khan might be pretty intense if it goes back that far you know?

And yeah now I kinda feel like how I was in my teens, like sex/hooking up is degenerate/dirty, though at the same time I want it and feel jealous and envious of guys getting it. Lol :crazy_face:

#142

Lol. I find myself in your description minus the GF. I had my first time with 31 with my now fiancee.
But all this I, would wanted to have it as well, but it feelt wrong. Definitely.

I can tell from my experience, that it was trauma indeed. And despite my catholic life, I was a porn addict through most of my life. Only me relationship and the sex within brought healing to this. To feel that sex is something sacred, that can heal the soul, that creates a bond that’s so much deeper than anything I’ve ever encountered. It made me understand much better, why sex is only allowed inside of marriage in many cultures/ religions. Because of the power it has over the soul.

For that purpose I’m running KB. After almost 3 cycles of stage 1 I feel something basic is healed deep inside of me.

I discovered, that in my case, sexual trauma is deeply connected to an selfworth issue and it seems LB is the best choice to heal another part of me.

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#143

Wow, congrats on the fiancee though that’s awesome. In your case I’d say that’s not degenerate lol, like you’ve only been with one lady who’s now your fiancee, but who am I to judge anyway. I wanna do KB as well at some point, probably gonna do LB in a few days.

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#144

Realizing that maybe seeing sex/hooking up as “degenerate” is my way of coping with loneliness…

Edit (next day): sorry for this post, I think it was just recon/stress-driven.

#145

Day 27 washout day 6

So I sometimes take videos of myself with my phone if I come up with an idea or something, well, I was going through old videos that I had taken before subs, then watched the ones from recently, and for sure I seem to have way more charisma, screen presence, and am more captivating in the new ones. This is awesome to see, it’s like I was journaling progress without realizing it :slight_smile:

#146

Day 28 washout day 7

Had some realizations that are somewhat unrelated to the stack, but relate to subs and the subconscious in general: whatever is in your subconscious at a given time is what you’ll experience and how you’ll experience/perceive reality.

Edit: went on a hike with my brother today, and I always used to not like seeing people on hikes because I just want to “be out in nature” but today I actually liked seeing people (to my surprise). And yeah just people seem to treat me better/be nicer to me, and I THINK it’s from Inner Circle, though I could be wrong. Since putting that in my stack, I feel people look at me more favorably, like it has an approachability type aura in it (maybe).

#147

Day 29 washout day 8

Okay, so I was feeling kinda awful 2-3 days ago (mentally/spiritually), like I actually cried a bit before bed, then still felt pretty bad the next day, but then the day after that, I feel like I’ve dropped something/let something go. Like something has changed but I’m not sure what.

Edit: I don’t really feel like approaching girls anymore o.0 like I don’t want it to be my main goal right now. Right now I want to save money, have good vibes, and figure out what I want. So maybe Genesis…not sure.

#148

Day 30 washout day 9

Okay, so I pretty much feel sane and good again :slight_smile: :+1: once again, while I’m in recon, I begin to think it’s my natural state of being and start to think “wow I’m stressed, I need to relax” but then once the recon wears off I realize it was really 80% recon.

#149

Day 1

Primal 15 min, Sanguine 15 min. Will try to go much easier this cycle, will take extra days off if needed. I feel I went too hard last cycle and should’ve taken more break days. You live you learn :man_shrugging:

Edit: since running subs I really don’t feel “shame and embarrassment” anymore, I walk around butt naked and don’t care…Jk, but seriously, I was reading through Love Bomb’s goals and it mentioned “not feeling shame and embarrassment”, and I realize I don’t even really feel that now o.0 or if I do, I forget about it within minutes. Also, it mentions forgiveness, and I figure if I don’t feel intense emotions/lose my cool in the first place, then there’s no need to forgive, hence Sanguine.

Note: Genesis/Ascension → Emperor → Wanted/Khan → Wanted Black.

#150

Day 3

15 min Love Bomb. Probably going to take a good 3 days or more before running next loops.

#151

Day 6

15 min Primal, 15 min Sanguine. Should’ve stopped Sanguine at 7:30 or 9:00.

#152

Day 8 rest

Been irritable since the last loops, though I did smoke a small amount of cannabis a few hours after the loops, which may or may not make a difference. I think the irritability is more from being overloaded than anything. Had a wet dream last night o.0 taking this extra rest day and maybe another tomorrow before next loop (love bomb).

Results were very good before the irritability. Had a feeling of love and care for myself that I haven’t felt for years after my loop of love bomb a few days ago. Just waiting for this recon/irritability to subside before running next loop.

#153

Day 9

Love Bomb 15 min. Instantly feel better after a loop of LB, not that I felt bad today, but LB is like a mood lifter. Haven’t been journaling here as much as I should during this cycle, mainly to see if not journaling makes a difference. Now I realize it’s important as it does help you to see and be grateful for changes happening, so I will continue.

#154

Day 10 rest

Still feel f*cking good, like I’m way more patient with people, drivers, and not irritable at all. And situations where I’d feel needy, I just don’t after running LB. Like it’s replaced with self love. I totally feel warmer and more empathetic towards people around me and people approach me more, like at the gym, and it just seems like people are nicer to me.

#155

Day 11 rest

I realize I’m annoyed with my money situation. If I were reliably making an adequate amount, I would feel much better, but my current “job” is Uber eats and it’s been mostly trash lately, not a lot of business, a lot of time wasted. It causes me a lot of anger and frustration. Therefore, I think it would be wise to run Genesis or Ascension or RICH even though I really like the stack I’m on.

#156

Do you deep down believe you deserve more?
Not just that it would be good and wonderful, but are you worthy of a better Life?

I realized a few weeks back, that that wasn’t the case for me. Changed that, and now I have my first minijob and strive for more.

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#157

Honestly I think I do, I feel like my potential is being wasted. Then again, idk :thinking: my life is actually not bad, it’s probably better than most people (but that probably goes for you too since most of the world is in poverty ya know?). But yeah I think I do feel I deserve a better life, like there’s people who are pieces of sh*t and they have great lives you know? But I’ll meditate on the question.

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#158

I know how you feel. I know my potential. I now my IQ is way above average. I aced the hardest exams with the most strict professors. I learn easily, I have a very good coordination (fencing and dancing feels easy) etc.
I feel like a Ferrari that is lifted a few inches above ground. All the PS I have can’t move me one tiny inch.

I believe that this has all to do with missing self love. Two weeks of LB changed that. And suddenly I feel like the tires are about to touch the ground and I suddenly start moving millimeter by millimeter.

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#159

Nice man, yeah it’s cool how it seems like we think we need all this stuff but a lot of the time it’s just one or two things that make everything line up/start working (in your case self love). Hmm this has me thinking. I think I need direction/purpose, therefore genesis. But I’ll still be running LB for sure and either Primal or Sanguine (will have to switch one out).

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#160

Day 13

3:20 min Primal, 3:00 min Sanguine. Trying shorter loops as I was feeling a lil needy/irritable recon the last day and a half or so. May have been overloaded. Feels like it was the right thing.

Edit: was definitely feeling recon today and right now a bit. Was feeling needy at the gym (that’s kinda when it kicked in), and feel a little bit sad/depressed, like “my soul is crying” (I believe Fire described recon that way), but not that bad, have definitely felt worse. This is good though as it lets me know the microloops definitely worked :+1:

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