A life worth living and dying for - MechaShaman

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#161

Had my first round of rapé today…saw an image of an mustang, and my mouth started to make sounds similar to a horse.

It definitley carries a message that I resonate with:
The spirit of the Mustang horse carries powerful messages and transformative medicine, rooted in themes of freedom, independence, resilience, and the drive for authentic self-expression. Mustangs, with their deep connection to the wild, represent an unbreakable spirit that refuses to be confined, embodying both physical and spiritual liberation. Here are some core messages and medicines the Mustang spirit brings:

1. Freedom and Independence

  • The Mustang spirit invites us to embrace personal freedom, pushing us to explore and honor our true nature without allowing external limitations to define us. It encourages breaking away from constraints, whether they are societal expectations, limiting beliefs, or self-imposed barriers.
  • This spirit teaches that real freedom comes from within, reminding us that liberation is a state of mind as much as it is a physical reality.

2. Strength and Resilience

  • Mustangs are known for their ability to thrive in rugged terrains and survive harsh conditions. This symbolizes the resilience needed to overcome life’s challenges with grace and strength.
  • When Mustang spirit appears, it often brings a reminder of our inner strength and our capacity to adapt and endure. It teaches us to trust our instincts and maintain determination, even in uncertain times.

3. Connection to Instincts and Intuition

  • The wild Mustang is finely attuned to its environment and instincts, representing a call to reconnect with our own intuitive sense. This spirit reminds us to honor our gut feelings and natural impulses, trusting our inner wisdom to guide us on our path.
  • Mustang medicine encourages tapping into our primal sense of awareness and embracing our inner wildness, which can lead to personal insight and a stronger sense of self.

4. Authentic Self-Expression

  • Mustangs are fierce in their individuality and represent the courage to live authentically. The spirit of the Mustang asks us to be unapologetically ourselves and to express our unique voice and essence without fear of judgment.
  • It urges us to take pride in our individuality, to celebrate our quirks and strengths, and to embrace the journey of self-discovery.

5. Adventure and the Journey of the Soul

  • The Mustang spirit embodies the call for adventure, the yearning to explore the unknown, and the willingness to journey beyond comfort zones. It speaks to the nomadic spirit within us, a reminder that life is a journey meant to be experienced fully, not confined or restricted.
  • This energy encourages us to embrace new experiences, travel, and the thrill of exploration, helping us grow and learn through each step.

6. Balancing Freedom with Responsibility

  • Although Mustangs symbolize freedom, they also operate within the structure of their herd. This teaches the balance of independence and responsibility, reminding us that true freedom comes with awareness of how our actions impact others.
  • Mustang spirit encourages a harmonious balance between independence and accountability, recognizing that being true to oneself does not mean disregarding others.

In essence, the spirit of the Mustang horse brings the medicine of inner liberation, a call to adventure, and the courage to live as your truest self. It invites us to explore the world and our own depths, honoring both the need to wander and the strength to endure.

DALL·E 2024-11-05 10.52.25 - A mystical scene where a longhaired blond, blue-eyed shaman stands face-to-face with the spirit of a Mustang in its natural habitat. The shaman, dress
DALL·E 2024-11-05 10.52.25 - A mystical scene where a longhaired blond, blue-eyed shaman stands face-to-face with the spirit of a Mustang in its natural habitat. The shaman, dress1024×1024 365 KB

#162

There is definitley a difference in which way customs are processed than regular store titles…maybe its the name embedding…sadly it takes more time till this comes to store titles…
Not entirely sure yet what I want in a custom…
Need some more time and a good opportunity to train pattience.

#163

Had a call with my best friend…and a lot of growth happened…

First I had a deeper understanding of the Archetype of the King…
I had a whole wrong understanding of the King…What I beliebed to be the King is actually a bad King. Like King Joffry…An immature what that abuses his power for his own personal gains, enjoyment and hedonistic pleasures…But what is the King actually? The King is the poorest bastard of all…He carries all the Load, all the burden of the entire Kingdom…His Job is that there is peace in his land and that everyone of his inferiors does his job…but at the same time create the space for that inferior to do his job and has to take care that all required ressources are there. Sometimes he needs to speak a harsh word. Sometimes he needs to empower. Sometimes he needs to provide some extra ressources. Sometimes he needs take power away from one his inferiors…
And wiht those inferiors I mean the other Archetypes. The Shaman/Magican, The Yogi/Sage, The lover, The hedonist, The Trickster, … I want to dive deeper in MY personal male archetypes.

Another thing that I relaized in that talk…there is still shame inside of me to go to a prostitute. Shame for my neediness…Shame for not beeing able to control my human needs. Shame for not being clean an “Sinless”. I fell back again into the dualistic christian thinking. Dividing things into good or bad. Dark and light. And repressing my darkness…

When in truth…its all about with what energy I am doing something…Better to call a prostitute sexual theraphist. Because thats what happening there…I am confronting my social anxiety, my own fear and shame of my sexuality…Its everytime quite a process and a “test of courage” to do that…

#164

This what I called Dualistic human thinking…its the rigid pattern again…trying to fit into rules. If I live by the rules I am safe…
I want to get faster to recognize that I am in the rigid pattern…Part of me wants to get rid of it…but I know…it will come back and back…I accept it as my personal demon. So its better to befriend it and let it be.

#165

Bad reccon now. Headaches, and a feeling of sadness and loneliness in my chest area.
Again big feelings of dissapointment…I have been putting in so much work since 4 years and I dont see it paying off yet…always this…later, later, be more patient…yesterday had a session with a woman from a retreat who teaches me shamanism in privat…and we talked a bit about men woman stuff…and she again told me…work on you masculine…I am working on it…full time…since a year. Every fucking day I am putting in work and energy and try not to let myself go. Not to surrender to giving up… I am so sick of beeing told: put in more effort and be patient.
I am in victim mode again… I see it myself…

#166

I catched myself…I am still griefing my last relationship…it was actually perfect…other than the fact that she had children and wanted me to get involved with the children…this is not true…she wasnt stable in her life…
And a lot stayed unsaid…
And actually…somehow her “betrayal” or was even worse than what my exwife did…because with her…I was completly honest. I opened up all my wounds…my insecurities…
One time she threatened to meet someone else because she wanted to discipline/train me…she said her friend brought her on this idea…but I wasnt better…I also tried to train her…to make her different then she was…
And when we broke up…there was one week where I simply said I needed to process some things in solitude…and after that week when we broke up she talked that she met someone else the last night…I didnt say anything because I was so shocked. And I just wanted to get away…
I wasnt better though…i played similar games or had similar mindpatterns going inside of me…
Shes just a reflection of myself…

I guess my bold masculine nature is/was trapped with her…and by now working through this…it will get redeemed…so this is the manifestation of Heartsong…

Somehow I told myself that this relationship doesnt need to be worked through in theraphy…but it oviously does need to be worked through…But i know what will be the outcome…I will be able to step into my bold masculine that I got to know through her…back then I was listening to the Khan…and oh boy I embodied it…I need the Khan back. Deeply! These 4 Months of beeing in the crucible shouldnt have been for nothing…

#167

Damn…Heartsong is going deep…after just one loop… :sweat_smile:
I saw what I actually want from a relationship…what I am actually running, after…It is this sense of peace and nervous system regulation I felt when I was with my ex. Together we could just be. I felt peace…all my inner processes and movements simply stopped with her. When sitting in front of each other with our hands touching and meditating, i got deeper than ever before…withhin seconds. And the love I felt with her…it was ridiculus…more intense than on MDMA. Idk if there is a correlation between love and thisnervous system regulation…

I asked myself: Why cant I have this level of relaxation alone…and what came up was interesting: Together, just beeing is hanging out with someone…but when relax just alone…thats beeing lazy…wow…what a crazy rule there is in my rigid pattern. Time to let that go…

#168

Reading through the Subclub Masterclass…
And it hit me…I have that feeling of stuckness…that no progress is being made…but lets look at that…Lets compare how my life is now in comparison to some years ago…
When I was studying my Bacchelors degree…I learned like lets say 6 hours of the day…and then spent time with friends. Basically, the only thing that changed on a day-to-day basis was a bit of university knowledge.
When I was with my ex-wife and working at university…I was for 7-8 hours at work, 2hours were breaks and in the remaining time I had quite low output. In the Evening we cooked, did some sports and watched TV…

Look at my life now:
-) Everyday I am learning something very deep
-) Everyday I am feeling emotions and am getting better at it
-) Everyday I am pushing my own Limits
-) Everyday I am learning something that is actual of Value to me and not some University Degree with knowledge thats only for a Job, but not to understand myself.
-) Everyday I am getting better at relaxing

These Last 3 weeks actually brought such a change.
Since I started to investigate ADHD and understood why I need structure, so much in my life has changed. Emperor Daddy has helped for sure.
-) I am getting up every day at the same time.
-) I am getting into the cold shower every day.
-) Everyday I do something that I dont like to do, but have to do…today I exchanged the seals of my showers…Putting things I no longer need onto craigslist.
-) Everyday I go to bed to a resonable time.
-) Started to include yoga again everyday in th evening.
-) The weekend activities where I stayed outside overnight were destabilizing a bit, but I could get into my cycle again. I truly start to see how important that cycle is for me, and to have this structure in my life. I only have a certain amount of willpower everyday, and some good things need to happen on autopilot to make more and more changes and not make one step forward, one step back. It feels like since I started emperor, I make continous progress and before I made progress and lost it again.

I am on the path to live my lifes dreams…working with plant medicines, understanding the mind in my own way, learning to be able to shape my inner reality…and knowing outside reality will follow.

I am getting comfortable with women, and getting to the point where I dont want any woman anymore…where I met some woman and thought…ahh shes not what I want…
Currently going through a bit of grief, as my best friend gave my number to his ex, so she can give me a session of a healing modality. It was very intense and strong and I liked it. There was a very strong energy between and woman and me…but I am now breaking contact with her. A sexual relationship with her would make my relationship with my bestfriend awkward. And I dont want to risk anything regarding that guy. He allways got my back. And if this is the one woman that is taboo that I have some chemistry with…so be it…What I saw though: There are woman who have chemistry with me. This feels like one of those emperor Status tests. I failed another one…but now I start to learn what Status and alphaness is about.

I am super proud of my writing here. I always hated writing in school. And university…but seemingly…only the topic was wrong. I may have my bodily limitations now, so physical action is hard to do. But the level of growth I am accomplishing simply by opening up that page, starting to type and see where it leads me to…is astonishing. And I fucking love it. Its as if I finally found an outlet for my creative energy.

#169

Listening to this while Eating…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=deLBODYe0Bg

I sensed that energy inside of myself that wants MORE MORE MORE that wants to get into a feeding frenzy…And I saw it as a pattern that I have developed in my childhood to regulate emotions. Its not even a pattern I developed, its something that runs in my family. My mom does it, my brothers do it to an extend…in my family, good food has a very high significance…its an object of lust instead of fuel for the body. (I am seeing that I am putting to extremes next to each other again)…Hell it goes so far…when we visit other countries, going to a supermarket to look at what food is there available is more important to us than visiting a museum to learn of the countries history…
But the great thing is: Thats okay I accept my Karma, I accept that good tasty food is important for me (ironically this is also what my human design says about my digestion type). But I also want to acknowledge the shadows side: overindulging und emotional eating…Sometimes when I am in an emotional state, I dont eat at all because I feel ashamed that when I eat then I am again repressing emotions…I am pushing it to far…

This brings me to an idea to make a list of my personal demons…the things I do when I am unregulated to regulate my body. I dont want to make this list to punish, shame, or judge myself…I want to make an honest map of my behaviour. So that when I use one of those behaviours, I know…hey, I am unregulated…thats whay I am doing this…do I really want to do this? Better do some breathwork, feel the emotions etc.
I also write this list to get all the shame away from those behaviours…Everyone does this stuff or has done it…

Not sustainable habbits list

  • Overeating or eating unhealthy food
  • Youtube binging
  • PMO
  • Impulsive buying This is also something that runs deep in my family…especially my mothers side…
  • Throwing away to much stuff buying healthy foods and then not eating it because I am to unregulated…I have seen that my taste differes depending on how regulated I am…I need to get structure into my diet…so the diet also gives me stability.
  • Doing to much Rapé

And then there is the second list…the list of Omission…the list of things I don’t do…the list of thing the Adult me want to do, but that I procrastinate when I am unregulated.

  • Not taking good care of my belongings Not enough Service for my car, not servicing the heating system of my house, owning stuff
  • Not taking good care of my home Not cleaning properly, having a mess
  • Not taking good care of Admin Stuff in my life
  • Not taking good care of my health Appointments with doctors, blood checks, going to the dentist, dermatologist etc. from time to time.
  • Not taking the steps I need to make for my goals seriously enough yielding to laziness
  • Yielding to fear, espcieally fear of faillure or fear of rejection with woman

So this is my list of sins / confession…Ill let everything sport/Physical related out, as I now accept my bodily limits and that currently its not possible for me to use my body as much as I want.

I just realized what changed since 2.5 Weeks…I incereased my loop time from 1 Minute to 3-5 Minutes…and Introduced Emperor Daddy…looking back on all that I wrote, I see the Emperor Scripting emerging in my life…after just 2 5 Minute Loops…crazy Technology…Deeply Grateful for that tool and me taking action and facing what I didnt want to see.

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#170

Super interesting…after running Heartsong yesterday…i still had my exwifes login information in some of the auto fills on websites (never looked in)…and today after seeing it…I open the password manager and delete all saved date with her email…I am starting to see where I still had energy attached to her.

Another process I went through yesterday…I PMOed because I was so horney…I actually wanted to select a sexual theraphist for today…But it was crazy how strong the post nut clarity was…
I really dont know…I tried so hard to be “spiritual” and learn how to channel sexual energy…but I am not able to…I yield to that…I hurt myself by not having an outlet for sexual energy…and until I meet a woman…I am gonna releasse in a balanced matter regularly now. Once a week or so…maybe sometimes go to a sexual theraphist…but maybe sometimes simply quick and dirty with porn. Fuck all this shame, fuck all this rules, I am making my own rules… I wanna stay focused on my goal regarding my new career…i dont want my lizard brain to highjack me all the time out of this horniness…it takes to much energy to repress that horniness.

#171

Something more comes up regarding my inner Round table of Masculine Archetypes…
I was asking the question: For what do I want this Kingdom to be known for? For what export goods? for what output?

I am wondering about my future career. I have been studiying what I found interesting…what I needed for my own process bascially. And thought about making this my profession…People in Human design with similar designs get to a point where they earn 400$ a session (1-2h)…they just work 3-5 Sessions a week and thats it…This sounds like I nice goal…a really nice goal…And the rest of the week…they do their own process, their own growth.
I want to get to that point. The idea that I had when I had the impulse to start writing was that I realized that I put in so much enery into that plant medicine shamanism…and that I will never earn money with it…but I will earn money with the fruits of the labor. With the man that I become through that process. Its important that I never forget that.

I really love this inner process that is opening up since a week…idk…if this is Alchemist or Emperor Daddy (I guess the emperor Part of it…)…I am considering on switching to regular emperor from the daddy…

#172

I need to be careful not to let the shaman archetype take over my life. It happened in the past…I get to self-less then. I lose my ego and my own wellbeiing…

I am getting to the point where I admit:
I dont put all my life beneath the spiritual journey…I dont surrender all my life to spirit…I am not only a servant of the divine…
And writing this, I realize…
The divine not only lives outside of me…the divine also lives withhin me…not as the collective…not as the All there is … but as in individum…and this individuum needs to be served with them same amount as the collective divine…its all about balance…and not loosing yourself in anything…neither in pleasures, neither in anger/hate, neiter in another human beeing, neither in a deity…its a neverending dance of of finding balance…

or is there balance? is there a Zero Point where all the energies are balanced?..I Guess it possible to find that point…until something from the outside comes and gets the pendulum moving again…when an energy appears that hast been taken into account before…oh what a beautiful game reality is…

#173

I am asking myself…why do I suddenly have such a willpower? Why do I finally not only know whats good for me, but also do whats good for me?

I fell it was this weekend’s Ayahuasca journey…There was one moment…where I truly understood that I was god and that I am creating my own reality……The feeling I felt…that responsibility…was something new for me…or actually…It was the first time where I faced that responsibility. The first time where I truly decided to step into that role.

I feel this was a manifestation of the Divine Dominion Module I have in my custom that I listened to 3 Days before Ayahuasca…

#174

Had an intense theraphy session…we talked about the merging pattern…I am starting to observe the merging pattern more and more in my life…And by that not merging anymore. Whats very curious though is, that today during shopping I spotted my tendency to merge with beautiful woman…in my theraphy session we went over that…seemingly there is a part inside of me that wants to merge with woman to manipulate them. To make them mine. Spocken as a shaman: to cast a spell on them. I guess thats the toxic: covert contract. And this is exactly the merging pattern at play: I am gonna make you do that what I need…because of an infantile experience of not getting fed when asked for, there is the deep believe that *When I ask for what I want, I wont get it…So I have to make you somehow to give me that that I need…"

Whats definitley positive about this finding is that now that I know it, I can stop it. And when not carrying that eneregy anymore it will definitley easier to approach woman or beeing approached by them…

Also something that came up during my carride there: I used to be ashamed for such things…I used to take responsibility for things that I couldnt have known better…in the past I would have spiraled about how I energetically manipulated woman…With my ex-gf I definitley did it…
But now…I see that I only did what I was thought by my parents. Nothing more…nothing less…noone is to blame. And now that I have seen it and understood it…I can change it.

There was a moment aswell where a part emerged that is currently a bit scarred because of all these changes…because life is changing so rapidly…but seeing that…I am proud of myself…for the amount of change I can go through in such a small time…and it will get even better with time.

#175

Had a quite crazy Alchemist Intuitive Ping yesterday at my Theraphist…the way this theraphy works is quite triggering for the nervous system, and sometimes things come up that need to be processed for some more hours or oven days… I told her that we shouldt go that far…I have my whole day of Human Design today and then the temple weekend, no space to process anything…so we took extra care…at one point I sad something, and she wanted to give a reflection…And I felt STOP, THIS WILL BE TO MUCH. I told her to not say that. She said that she only wanted to give me a reflection…and kinda hit my curiosity…but it was my ego that wanted to know what she wanted to say…my FOMO…and then Indeed I had a realization that put my nervous system a bit over the top…Next time I will trust my shamanic intuition and ability to read energy…

#176

Today I gave EmpD another Loop. Wanted to go for 3 minutes, but after 1:30 I felt that it was enough. Took 10 more seconds till my ego surrendered to that ping…Again…better not to much reccon today and the next days, as there is much to do.

I am really proud of myself for now honouring my bodys rythm. In the last days I have seen that my body wants to go to bed even earlier…before I went to Bed at 10PM…but in the last days I recognized getting quite tired at 7 allready…so yesterday I went to bed at 8PM…I am pround and grateful for myself for finally listening to my bodys rythm. To observe my body without any prebias, without any shoulds or wants and to give it what it needs. This is true self love, in my eyes.

Regarding the King Archetype…I had some more realizations with my therapist…In the End the King is a poor bastard…atleast a good King…the immature King abuses his whole Kingdom, but the mature King is its Servant…and this is quite a job. This is quite a burden on his shoulders…so how does he make it? How does he get the energy to do all of this? to carry all this load? Well he can also indulge…not often, not all the time…but when he does…he gets the finest Stuff of all…the finest food, the fines Woman, the finest Entertainment…the King doesnt waste his time with something thats beneath his majesty…and the same has to happen for my life now. I will only let in the finest and best energies into my life. Those energies that bring me further in my life…regarding:

  • Friendships
  • Information and Knowledge
  • Food
  • Entertainment

Especially regarding entertainment…my tast has changed in the Last two weeks…I cant even watch the things anymore that I used to watch…It feels like I am eating something rotten… My life has become to precious to me to fill bad things into either my Body or Mind. Yesterday on the way back from the theraphist I was quite hungry for something sweet…I and planned to heat a bread with honey at home…on the way home though therse a mc donalds…that has this tasty tasty caramel Cheesecake…And I got it…it tasted good for 3 or 4 bites…and then it was just greed that ate more of it…I am proud of myself for stopping myself from eating the whole thing…as soon as I realized its not me anymore who wants to eat it, but Greed and family programs that you cannot waste wood…I could stop.
And at home I still had my honey bread…and I tell you…It tasted better…and it nourished something that the caramel cheesecake…that I used to love…couldnt. Something deeper. I dont know if it is the emperor scripting, or part of my spiritual progress…but its really important to cook my own food. To eat at home. I dont know the reason but whatever…surrender to whats good for my body.

Also it was super helpful to read the subliminal Masterclass…especially the part about Alpha/Status subs…I finally get those tests…that subliminals reshape internal reality…and then at somepoint, chances in external reality will come…and there is the choice for me…Do I behave exactly as I used to behave? or do I behave differently?…Am I couragous enough for that change? Or not?…And each of those tests is a chance to grow. Each of those tests is a chance to change my life to be more allignes with my true self and zero point. I know that I wont be perfect…that I will fail…But I also know that I will get up again and again and that in the grad scheme of things I will succeed way more often than fail at those tests.

#177

Reading through the masterclass I start to see what happened in the past…why all Subs hit so hard and brought up such deep reccon…there were simply so strong negative subconcious structures inside of me…And finally I got out of them it seems like. This was actually the big things of yesterdays Theraphy Session…my inner child finally feels secure…because it has seen that an adult is now at the controlling position of my live…that I have finally grown up and see things in their totality…in an adult way…seeing both sides of a coin…and also knowing that its just a coin. Seeing the good and bad in things…and knowing that this is just a thing and that there are alternatives. I no longer have this immature view of things…where I romanticize or judge things…I see things as they are…I see how they affect me…I surrender to things that I cant change…I change things that I can change…in its time…

In the peer groups from my last retreat, someone wrote a message how angry he is about trump becoming president…and it showed me…I dont give any fuck about that. I dont give any fuck about anything that I cant control. I refuse to worry about stuff thats beyond my control. I refuse to watch the news since now over 2 years. I refuse to take in information thats not good for me. And I wil no longer feel bad about it… I will no longer feel ashamed about it. This is what an healthy adult does…my parents arent healthy adults. I dont need to behave like them. They are no longer my role models…They suffer from diseases that are sold as “personal problem” or normals by society…obesity, drinking alcohol, biting nails, rheuma, disc prolapse…they may believe this is just their body getting old…but I choose to believe somethign differently…all those things are signs of not listening to inner guidance. of not living life in accordance to Dharma…At the same time, I am not mad at them anymore…

Dr. K, a online therapist influencer, who has specialized for male gamers, brought me this nice metapher:
Everyday I am going to sleep I am dying.
Everday I am waking up anew I am born anew.
When I do the right things (instead of living hedonistic), I will never be the one who reaps what he sows…
When I go to bed early, not I will profit, but the Alex from tomorrow will profit.

And what I am doing if I got to bed early, with a cleaned up home…I am setting myself up for a good spawnpoint tomorrow…The Alex of tomorrow ill have it easy to create something anew…

And at the same time, I realized…when the alex of yesterday has fucked up, and has set a bad spawnpoint…I wont feel ashamed anymore…it wasnt me who did the fuckups…The only thing I can do is to set a better spawnpoint for tomorrow…the shaman indeed is the one who eats shit and shits gold…

And I realized the same with my parents: They spawned me into this world…with all these family patterns, Karma, etc…that was the starting point. I wont feel ashamed anymore for it, I wont blame anyone else anymore for it, Ill take it and make the best out of it.

There is a lot of acceptance coming into my being…Acceptance of my Family, Acceptance of my Mom, Acceptance of my Dad, Acceptance of my Brothers. Acceptance of my complicated health condition. Its no use to fight it…its no fucking use…but as I am typing this out…I have an image in my mind…

I used to have this feeling of beeing trapped…And I realize…I am only being trapped in the dimensions that I used to traverse…but I havent tried out new dimensions…Just as all this writing…I used to regulate my emotions with yoga and moving my body…which is hard and limited currently…but now I have found this new dimension…this dimension where I have unlimited space to expand…where I dont need someone to listen to me…where I dont feel like I am burdening someone…I can simply write all I am feeling down…if someone want to read it…okay…if not…okay…for me the only important part is that the energy leaves my body and I reprogram myself…the one person I am actually writing this for is for me…as the function of all this writing is that the subconcious becomes concious…

I would love to go on, but my human design teacher awaits.

#178

Some more comes up…Anger…there is a part inside of me that hasnt fully accepted all my emotions…and that says you need to be different…you need to feel different…your emotions take up so much space…taking care of emotions is so tiresome and exhausting…

Is that true?
What is the other side of the coin?
I guess it is exhausting, it takes space in my life and takes commitment and energy…but It gives me something very very valuable…connection to my true autenthic beeing…without emotions I am a robot…I am no human being…
I am angry at modern western society…I am angry at those who told me to ignore my feelings and do it anyhow…I am angry at myself for all the times I did it…

But again…it comes down to the argument of the Spawnpoint…this is the life I have been born into…it is how it is…now I am learning to listen to my emotions. Now I am learning what it means to be a human with creativity flowing out.
And its a big fucking present. I dont want to live without this anymore. Especially as I find more and more ways to process emotions…singing, writing, talking…what else could there be? Is there something more effective? My first ping says no…I found those tools…And now its time to use them…
Drawing maybe…Pictures…

I forgive myself and everyone who thought and thinks that emotions are bad and a burden.

I forgive myself for when I tell myself…crying??? AGAIN??? I forgive myself…
I forgive myself when I am angry at myself for being angry.
I forgive myself when I am angry at myself for feeling lonely…
I forgive myself for feeling ashamed because I so deeply feeling.
I forgive myself for all the times I thought to become a masculine man I would need to be immune to emotions.
I forgive myself for repressing so many emotions.
I forgive myself for beeing afraid of emotions.

I thank you
I forgive you
Please forgive me
Thank you

#179

I feel angry.
I feel tired.
I feel dissapointed.

I feel disappointed in myself that i took so long to accept that structure is so needed for me…
Who is saying that?

Its again expectations from my childhood. Expactiations about beeing able to master everything at the first try…expactations that i knew it all…and expactations on me that although i was a clever child…i couldnt do everything like an adult would…i couldnt think everything through to a point where its mastered at the first try…
My dad somehow expexted that from me…my mom aswell…and these expectations did stick with me so they became my inner critic.

I don’t have to master everything at once. I dont have to be able to master everything at the getgo.
I am allowed to learn, i am allowed to take the time i need for it and i am allowed to make learning experiences (a way better word that failures or fuck ups)…

#180

Heartsong is doing some deep work today…grief about my Ex again…the fearful thought will i find someone who is as good as her? But immideatly, after surrendering to the feeling of grief: someone better will come… Someone who fits more to me and who has done more work on herself…as I have done so much work on myself since being single.

There is nothing to fear…its all a matter of timing…

Another thought came up…am I actually ready to find someone who is deeply resonating with me? Someone to commit to? Or would I rather want to switch to wanted or so to fuck around?
But i guess this is not what i want…i dont want to have shallow one night stands…i want deep connections. Someone that i can trust. Someone that I can count on…