A life worth living and dying for - MechaShaman

[MechaShaman]

I really start to love chatGPT:

Finding balance between instant and delayed gratification is a powerful way to enjoy life in the present while also building a better future. Here’s a practical approach:

1. Define Your Long-Term Goals and Short-Term Joys

• Clearly outline what you want to achieve long-term—this can be financial stability, career success, or fitness. At the same time, identify what brings you joy in the moment, like a favorite hobby or time with friends.
• Knowing both your goals and your pleasures helps you consciously decide when to enjoy now and when to wait.

2. Set Aside Time for Both Instant and Delayed Rewards

• Designate specific times for immediate rewards and planned actions for delayed goals. For example, you might dedicate weeknights for hobbies and relaxation while reserving mornings for working on long-term goals.
• Structuring your time helps prevent either gratification from taking over entirely.

3. Use the 80/20 Rule

• Commit around 80% of your efforts toward actions that align with long-term goals, while allowing the remaining 20% for spontaneous fun and instant enjoyment.
• This way, you’re always making progress while still enjoying the present.

4. Reward Yourself Progressively

• Give yourself small, frequent rewards as you work on long-term goals. For example, after finishing a challenging task, take a short break or treat yourself to something small.
• This keeps you motivated without derailing your progress.

5. Mindful Decision-Making

• Before choosing instant gratification, ask yourself if it aligns with or harms your goals. Practicing mindfulness can prevent impulsive decisions and foster more intentional ones.

6. Embrace the Process, Not Just the Outcome

• Shift your focus toward enjoying the journey rather than only focusing on the end goal. This reframes delayed gratification as a source of satisfaction in itself.

Balancing both types of gratification is about learning to enjoy progress as well as pauses. Remember, it’s not about choosing one over the other but finding a rhythm that lets you enjoy the present while investing in the future.

[MechaShaman]

So I had a walk in the woods with a friend today…
We walked over a fallen tree and he jokingly asked: Lets do a gladiator fight? (like who can push the other one off first)…
I remembered when I was a child…I didnt like rough games. I didnt like the games in the pool where children push each other into the water or spray water into each other faces. I was and am still a very synsitive person…
And then something opened up…maybe I am looking into the whole wrong direction in regards to masculinity…
Maybe this dominant alpha fitness archetype is not what is fitting for me…
I am an intellectual. I am a thinker…a smart guy…and I tried to hard to become someone else…i am trying so hard to develop into a direction that is somehow not me…
why? because I bought into the believe that I needed to become like that to be attractive to woman…
But for both my ex-wife and ex-gf…my strength was my mind. They did’t want me because of my alphaness, my body or anything surface level…they liked me because of my mind. because of how I can talk…

Maybe I have approached all this masculinity topic from the whole wrong direction…I tried to fill gaps inside of me instead of developing my strengths further…I tried to become like the others instead of finding my own authentic seflf

[MechaShaman]

So…to reflect on my last weeks experiences…
The day after I lsitened to my Custon I fell into the what in Somatic Experiencing is called the trauma vortex again…it can be described as hanging from a cliff…where all energy is used to not drop deeper into it. Like quicksand…and I see…just like quicksands…the more I fitght the more I sink into it…Somatic experiecing tells me that you can only get out of it with help from outside…just like quicksands.
I get into that vortex when I am emotionally overwhelmed…when there are to much emotions to feel for me alone…and then I do “dumb things” that put me further in…eating unhealthy…binging youtube…take to much medicine alone…especially the last thing is dangerous…it helps short time (during the trip), but in the long term it (e.g. the next days) it puts me further in.

Yesterday when I met with my best friend, we did emotional releasing again…and I came out of it…today I am centered again…What keeps me mostly from asking for help earlier is shame…there is the story inside of my that says A man needs to be able to do it all by himself…this is one of my deepest traumas/issues…that I dont ask for help out of shame…writing this, an image from my childhood comes to my mind…me asking for help, and the parents saying you need something AGAIN??!?…

During my childhood I was kinda expected to raise myself…that simply time and money will make me grow up…I wasn’t raised at all…
An image of a plant comes up…if you plant a seed it may grow…it may die off…but it will grow in any shape or form…
For a plant to flourish it needs care…it needs to be nurtures…water…fertilizer…some shoots need to be cut away…some shoots may need to be stabilized with a stick…
This somehow never happened during my childhood and youth. I was missing a loving caring mother that nourishes my emotional needs…and I was missing a father that that learned me how to be a man. that guided me. who pushed me to grow into the right direction. I was left to my own devices.

I guess thats the core of developmental trauma…

There is anger inside of me…at my parents…but there is also this part inside of me that my parents can’t be blamed for not providing something they also never got…they did their best…and it wasn’t good enough…but I guess this is the story in everybodys life…I am not special…I am not super poor… Out of those hardships comes my strength…out of those hardships comes my medicine…the shaman is the wounden healer…that what I learn to give to myself is my personal medicine for the world that I will share when the time is right…this is my purpose…

[MechaShaman]

So today Ill sit with the peruvian shaman again…
Mapacho and Ayahuasca

My intentions today are:

• Raise my capacity for emotional energy and energy senstivity
• fixate myself on the positive aspects of my life, the things that work and to nourish those
• Connect deeeper with my authentic masculinity
• develop the capacity to ask for help earlier when I am spiraling
• Learn about those medicines and how to use them properly
• Connect with the spirit of Mapacho more deeply…as he is often said to be the Father

This masculinity process I am going through in the last 2 days is super interesting…I have been trying to fill up the masculine qualities that I (think) thast I am missing, rather than nourishing the masculine aspects of me that I have…

So today its time to learn more from the spirits…

[MechaShaman]

Using chatGPT do go deeper into the masculine archetypes:

Here’s a list of the masculine archetypes along with their corresponding shadow aspects—the negative or imbalanced expressions that can arise when these energies are distorted, suppressed, or overused:

1. The King

• Attributes: Leadership, authority, stability, wisdom, benevolence.
• Shadow Aspect: The Tyrant – The King in his shadow becomes authoritarian, controlling, and self-serving. He demands loyalty without earning it, abusing power and becoming insecure, defensive, or vindictive.
• Shadow Aspect: The Weakling – The King can also become indecisive, lacking direction and unable to command respect. This aspect may avoid responsibility, doubting his worth and authority.

I definitley have a tendecy to fall into the shadows of the King…The tyrant no so…but only because I am lacking possbilites in my life where I have power over others…But the weakling…this happens when I get into the trauma vortex …

2. The Warrior

• Attributes: Courage, discipline, strength, decisiveness, focus.
• Shadow Aspect: The Sadist – The Warrior’s shadow is aggressive, violent, and domineering, taking pleasure in harming others or using power irresponsibly.
• Shadow Aspect: The Coward – The opposite shadow avoids conflict and responsibility, giving in to fear and failing to protect what matters. He can be passive, weak-willed, and avoidant.

Discipline, courage and strength…I am seeing how I have them aslong as I am not spiraling…and when I spiral…I am expressing the shadow aspects…but not so much actually…I am still having the courage to face pain and dificulties…

3. The Magician

• Attributes: Knowledge, intuition, transformation, innovation, insight.
• Shadow Aspect: The Manipulator – The Magician in his shadow uses knowledge to deceive, control, or manipulate others for personal gain.
• Shadow Aspect: The Detached Trickster – This side of the Magician may use intellect to avoid emotions and stay distant from real connections, becoming cold, secretive, or deceptive.

Wow… the magician I guess this is the strongest masculine Archetype inside of me…but I see the shadows of it in me…rationalizing emotions…finding reasons…intellectualizing without feeling…and the manipulator…I know this energy inside of me…I use it when I am not properly nourished to “get what I need and deserve”…when I am not nourished…

4. The Lover

• Attributes: Passion, empathy, sensitivity, creativity, connectedness.
• Shadow Aspect: The Addict – The Lover’s shadow becomes consumed by pleasure, seeking excess in sensual experiences, addiction, or dependency on others to feel whole.
• Shadow Aspect: The Impotent Lover – The other shadow aspect feels numb and disconnected, unable to experience passion, intimacy, or connection, often feeling apathetic and emotionally detached.

The lover is also strong with me…when I am not spiraling I express it well…like today where creativity flows out of me…but when I am spiraling…I am gripped by the Addict . I feel like the Impotent lover was active in my in the past…for that to come out of me I need to spiral super super hard…but maybe when I am spiraling and am afraid of help…when I think that I am unlovable…when I am ashamed for beeing broken (“again”) this gets expressed…

5. The Sage

• Attributes: Wisdom, detachment, objectivity, inner peace, counsel.
• Shadow Aspect: The Cynic – The Sage’s shadow becomes dismissive, overly skeptical, and judgmental, seeing life’s darker sides and retreating into detachment or arrogance.
• Shadow Aspect: The Know-It-All – This side uses knowledge to appear superior, alienating others with condescension, or avoiding real engagement by over-intellectualizing everything.

Pah…when I am centered I know these Qualitites…still the Cynci is strong in me…I definitley havent integrated the dark properly yet…and I also know the know-it-all …but its getting better and better…

6. The Creator

• Attributes: Innovation, expression, vision, originality, change.
• Shadow Aspect: The Perfectionist – The Creator’s shadow fixates on unattainable standards, fearing failure and refusing to complete or release anything unless it’s “perfect.”
• Shadow Aspect: The Chaotic Creator – This aspect is unfocused, constantly starting new projects but finishing nothing, leading to wasted energy and frustration.

Wow…there is much growing to do… perfectionism is a big trap for me…its getting better, but its still a big weakpoint that can bring me into spiraling…and especially chaotic creator is something that I very well know…unfocused energy…not putting all my energy into the right direction…beeing all over the place…

7. The Wildman

• Attributes: Instinct, spontaneity, freedom, primal energy, connection to nature.
• Shadow Aspect: The Savage – The Wildman’s shadow loses all restraint, becoming impulsive, reckless, or aggressive, with no regard for others’ boundaries or consequences.
• Shadow Aspect: The Repressed Wildman – This shadow is disconnected from nature and primal instincts, becoming rigid, controlled, and fearful of spontaneity.

So much to grow here…my connection to nature is only slowly coming up…but I am getting there…also I think I am oftenmistaking impulsivity for spontaneity…feeling a pull to investigate that further

8. The Father

• Attributes: Protection, nurturing, guidance, structure, discipline.
• Shadow Aspect: The Dictator – The Father’s shadow becomes overly controlling, strict, or demanding, enforcing rules rigidly without compassion.
• Shadow Aspect: The Abdicator – This side is absent, irresponsible, or unreliable, failing to provide guidance or support, often leaving others feeling abandoned.

damn…even when centered I have no clue about this Archetype…I am in the shadows. I to learn of the healthy father…it feels because I have a corrupted father archetype, I cant really run Alpha titles without creating massive amounts of reccon…I become very dictatorlike…and irresponsible regarding my bodily boundaries…getting into this all or nothing energy.

9. The Rebel (or Outlaw)

• Attributes: Independence, defiance, change, risk-taking, disruption.
• Shadow Aspect: The Anarchist – The Rebel’s shadow seeks chaos for its own sake, undermining order recklessly, rejecting authority out of spite, and breaking rules destructively.
• Shadow Aspect: The Conformist – The opposite shadow of the Rebel fears standing out or challenging the norm, conforming to fit in and losing individuality and independence.

There is a big draw to this Archetypes…but its hard to put it into words…I guess the path I am walking of becoming a modern shaman, using illegal medicines put me there…I definitley have fears challanging the norm…in my past I completley conformed to the norm and lost individuality and independence… individuality and independece are actually two of my most important values…it would be interesting to draw a chart with allthose values and how I would rank/rate them

10. The Explorer

• Attributes: Adventure, curiosity, discovery, independence, bravery.
• Shadow Aspect: The Wanderer – The Explorer’s shadow is restless and directionless, constantly seeking new experiences but never committing or finding satisfaction.
• Shadow Aspect: The Stagnant Explorer – This aspect fears change and exploration, becoming complacent, rigid, and trapped in routine.

wooow… the explorer is big in me…but I also know the restlessness, directionlessness and constantly seeking the new experiences…not commiting…or finding full satisfaction in something long term…I kinda see a parallel with that what I call ADHD …and when I am spiraling… the Stagnant explorer is coming out…

These archetypes and their shadow aspects remind us of the balance needed to keep these energies in healthy expression. Integrating and acknowledging the shadows allows for more mindful development and maturity.

What a beautiful piece of inner work I could do here with ChatGPT…

[MechaShaman]

Spontaneity and impulsivity both involve acting without extensive planning, but they differ in the intention, mindfulness, and outcome associated with each:

1. Mindfulness and Awareness

• Spontaneity involves a conscious, mindful choice to embrace the moment. It’s an intentional decision to act based on how you feel or what seems meaningful right then.
• Impulsivity tends to be more reactive, often happening without conscious thought. Impulsive actions are typically driven by urges or emotions without considering consequences.

2. Consideration of Consequences

• Spontaneity usually includes at least a quick awareness of potential outcomes, even if they’re not fully analyzed. Spontaneous actions tend to be more thoughtful and positive, and they often align with personal values or desires.
• Impulsivity often overlooks consequences altogether. It’s driven by immediate gratification or escape and can result in regret or unintended consequences.

3. Emotional Quality

• Spontaneity is often associated with joy, curiosity, or a sense of freedom. It’s often uplifting, connecting you with others or opening up enjoyable opportunities.
• Impulsivity can stem from boredom, frustration, or the need for instant relief. It’s frequently tied to emotions like restlessness or stress and can lead to disruptive or risky behaviors.

4. Examples of Each in Practice

• Spontaneity: Deciding to take a last-minute road trip after a long week because it feels like a fun and refreshing break, or joining a friend for an impromptu adventure.
• Impulsivity: Buying an expensive item you can’t afford just because it looks appealing, or saying something hurtful in an argument without thinking.

In Summary

• Spontaneity is a mindful, joyful embrace of the moment, often aligned with one’s values and with some awareness of the impact.
• Impulsivity is a more unconscious reaction driven by a need for immediate satisfaction, often without regard for outcomes or reflection.

Striking a balance between them allows for meaningful spontaneity while managing impulsive tendencies, leading to a more intentional and fulfilling experience.

Reading this…I start to see the difference…and I start to see how since I stopped working a regular 9-5 job, there is not enought structure in my life…the is to much room for spontaneity and impulsivity…some structure will help me…what comes to me here is the 80/20 rule from balancing long term fullfillment and short term pleasure

[MechaShaman]

I did well today…proud of myself…some intense inner work has been done today. I did amazing

Its interesting how when I say to myself you did well today, I feel a resistance to take this in…I feel fear…
And what comes is: now that I did this well…it is expected from me to do well all the time…
Wow…this is what happened in my childhood…

It was so expected from me to do well that I didnt want to dissapoint my parents…it became my job to do well…oh what a fucking burden for a child…I am currently feeling deep compassion to my child self.

What also comes up is another structure that is present in my family…my dad tried his super best…he tried to please everyone…but he never tried to make us (we are 3 brothers) to self sustaining men…when we had an issue, he did it for us…thats not totally true…he did it with us…but he never said: you are a man now, try it yourself…because when doing things the first time alone…things are not becoming perfect…and perfectionism runs very very deep in the masculine side of my family…I remember…when I first did some DIY home work alone…and it didnt become perfect…he said *you didnt do this very good…and it was allways like that…perfectionism was expected…even from things that you do only once in life…no 20/80 pareto principle… he allways does everything perfect…puts in so much effort to make it perfect…and expects it from everyone the same…and he burns himself out with it…maybe he derives some joy out of perfection…but for me this is to tiresome…when I look at some imperfections…like the wall that i plastered and painted myself in the kitchen…that has quite some imperfection… I am thinking wow, I did this myself, I did it for the first time and I made it…its not perfect…but I wanted to get it done quickly…

I dont expect perfectionism from me anymore…this is not my pattern of behaviour, its my fathers…I give that energy back to you…and I redeeem my inner father archetype from asking for perfection. I give my inner father archetype the allowance to tell me how good I did for doing something for the first time…because I do a lot for the first time…this whole process I am going through…I do so much for the first time…Because I decided to live a life of transformation…to walk the unknown paths…and I decided not to live like my parents…in the constant fear of the unknow…only walking the known paths…I am different than you. I am not you…this is not me. I am letting go of the fear of the unkknown and the expections of beeing able to walk new paths in the same quality as walking the known paths…

Wow…I DID WELL…YOU DID WELL…YOU DID IT THE FIRST TIME AND DID AMAZING…I AM PROUD OF YOU SON!!!

Walking the unknown paths through darkness

[MechaShaman]

So…I have a mirror in my hallway…where I write affirmations on…very deep ones…
currently it says Don’t fight which was the deepestr realization I had from Bufo in August…and I am a good Human beeing from Inside out 2…And I read it…and felt triggered…I followed the trigger and what came up was: Good people dont take drugs…this is simply not true…the shamans of the amazon are good people…the lady where I help facilitate retreats is a good human being…

Time to let go of that story…
Ahh I feel it goes further…**Good people don’t break the law’’ (as most shamanic medicines are illegal here)…And its not true. I can be a good person and break the law…a law that I havent made…a law that was created out of the war of drugs by Nixon (IIRC) that led to nothing.

[MechaShaman]

One last thing before I have to leave home…its okay when things die…
Especially inner parts…those shoots of the tree that need to be cut of…its okay when they die and go…its part of life…
I bouught into this concept in theraphy that all inner parts must be held precious…but some can die…I dont need to nourish everything and every part of myself…just as a gardner pulls out the weeds…I can pull out the weeds of myself…
I am in control of my inner world…I can choose what to nourish and what I declare as a weed that I want to pull out…

I am very proud of myself for that journal and the work and love I put into it

interesting…beein proud of myself triggers me…I guess because of all these spiritual traditions telling that beeing proud of youself is a danger…that the ego shouldnt become to big…need to investigate that further…but need to leave now

[MechaShaman]

The difference between healthy and unhealthy pride primarily lies in how pride is experienced, expressed, and used in relationships:

Healthy Pride:

1. Self-Worth: Healthy pride is based on a positive sense of self-worth. One recognizes their own achievements, abilities, and progress without placing themselves above others.

2. Humility and Gratitude: Healthy pride often goes hand in hand with humility. One is grateful for the support they have received and acknowledges being part of something larger.

3. Drive and Motivation: Healthy pride motivates one to keep learning and growing. It is inspiring and supports personal development.

4. Authenticity: Pride is shown honestly and without the need to force recognition or impress others.

5. Positive Impact on Others: Healthy pride inspires and motivates others without demeaning them. It strengthens a sense of community and fosters respectful interaction.

Unhealthy Pride (Arrogance, Conceit):

1. Overestimation of Self: Unhealthy pride often leads to placing oneself above others. One may believe they are better or more important than others, leading to arrogance.

2. Need for Superiority: People with unhealthy pride often feel the need to constantly prove themselves. They seek external validation and feel quickly offended if that validation is lacking.

3. Competitive Thinking and Devaluation of Others: Unhealthy pride often leads to putting others down to boost one’s own ego. Constant comparison breeds competition rather than community.

4. Masked Self-Worth Issue: Unhealthy pride can signal low self-esteem. The person compensates for insecurities by trying to stand out through achievements or status.

5. Isolation: People with unhealthy pride often come across as distant or difficult to others, leading to isolation and conflicts in the long run.

Conclusion:

Healthy pride is a positive, motivating type of pride that contributes to personal growth and harmonious relationships. Unhealthy pride, on the other hand, is rooted in arrogance and the devaluation of others, which strains relationships and hinders one’s growth. The key is to be proud of one’s own achievements without belittling others or overestimating one’s own importance.

[MechaShaman]

Puhh, ayahuasca with the shaman is a different beast than doing it alone…even though the medicine is not stronger.
As of yet I cant really tell what happened and how it will unfold in my life…but one of the topics was my anxiety. Lets see if it lifts from me…
Another topic that comes back and back again is loneliness…and the question? When am I ready for a relationship? When do i feel i have done enough inner work to attract a “sufficiently high value” woman?
My last relationship is now nearly 6 month finished…and the internal change I have went through is massive…

Some days ago I saw a video by doctor K who talked about beein happy alone vs being in a relationship…and what he said is its possible, but its an uphill battle…and this is what it feel like. This is what my life feels like…an uphill battle…
I know that it makes me strong. But on the same time I see how I struggle in my life and how undernourished i am, especially regarding touch.
And I dont feel bad anymore that I want touch from a person that i trust and feel safe with.

[MechaShaman]

Sitting with some Rapé to interte Ayahuasca…
What comes up is a feeling that I rarely recognize…maybe a feeling that I have run away from…dissapointment…I am somehow disappointed in life…in my past where I relived the patterns of my parent…I thought…If I do like they tell me I will have a happy life…and so I followed along…it led to heartbreak, no fullfillment in my career…just beeing a zombie…unhappines…looking at the half empty glas…

One of my intentions…and also something that the shaman told us is to allways focus on positivity…But how to do this?…and how to do that if I carry a feeling of disappointment in me? I feel it in my solarplexus area.
It feels like this lingering feeling of dissapointment is the key to turn my negative half empty cup view around and change it to a the cup is half full view…

And as I write this, again comes this realization regarding my journey to masculinity that I am going through…how I approach it…I was completley focused on that what I am missing…being a wild guy…being a muscular strong man…beeing a fighter guy…yada yada…all these traits that quite easily can transform into toxic masculinity…(maybe this is a projection…)…
I wasn’t focusing on the masculine traits that I have…I thought I missed something…I needed to develop something that I dont have…that I was strange and broken and needed to become like someone else…running Khan, Emperor etc…

But when I look at my life…what type of man am I? I was the clever kid. With 15 I indulged in chemisty, doing crazy science…studied on of the hardest college degrees (electrical engineering)…I am actually living the geek life…now this has turned to spirituality and self development…my strengths are thinking and talking…Why am I not using subs to build upon these strengths? Like limitless or Stark or ASBR?

This feels like a very very deep revalation in regard to self acceptance…not more fighting against who I am…accepting myself and my strengths and devloping them further…I thought to become legendary I was missing soemthing…I needed to become different from how I am…but in actuallity…I need to become more of myself…I can take my strengths and nurture them, develop them…and go deeper into them. It feels like a big load is coming of my shoulders writing this down…and something withhin me relaxing…

Do you see this view of the negative in this masculinity exploration? I definitley see it.

Ill take some time to process this further…and maybe decide what stack to do in the future…

These last some days have showed me how much I enjoy writing. Its something new for me…in school I hated it.

One thing I definitley admit is: all this seduction stuff was something I thought I needed…because I wanted the outcome of a relationship…or actually…I was scared of a relationship…of again trusting someone…I just wanted to have some fun without commitment…but not because I really want this…because I thought this was the way to satisfy my sexual desires while running away from my fear of beeing heartbroken again…
But why take these extra steps if I know that somewhen I want a relationship again? Why give in to that fear? Why not take the direct path? Only in a relationship Ill get what I actually want…Intimacy and someone I can trust. I guess Ill give heartsong another go with the alchemist…what I read in the thread is that It also leads to self love…I felt this also in the 2 loops I have run it…without this soul shattering reccon that Lovebomb gives me.

I definitley need an outlet for my sexual energy. I learned in my last relationship how nourishing sex with a loved one can be. How empowering it can be…how much more energy it gave us to empower our lifes…the shaman also said: when sexual energy cannot be expressed…it makes you go crazy…and I experience this it feels like…thinking baout sex all day, beeing the biggest goal in my life to have sex…its exhausting and tireing. I cant focus on my career like this…when I reflect on the times of my life when I had a relationship and when I had not…The times with a relationship were definitley a lot better…sure not without problems…In my first relationship I wasn’t authentic…and in my last I was fearfull avoidant because I was afraid of commiting…while in truth I there was a part of me that wanted to fall in love deeply…I was fighting that part…Ill give Heartsong a chanche…its said to show me what I actually want from a woman…and then I can screen the woman that get manifested…and if this works in the way of any subclub subs…I wont need more seduction skills that I have…I will be able to seduce in my own autenthic way. with my intelligence, kindness, wisdom and commitment to beeing a better man…every fucking day. this will be enough. I will show my strengths and not to again “fake it till I make it with a type of masculinity the others tell me about”…and the skills I learned in tantra, sexual shamanism and tantra meets BDSM will seal the deal and make her mine

This is also what a spiritual teacher says to depressed man…find youself a woman…if you have nothing to do, your life becomes miserable…my psychiatrist also told me this…I should start listening to some of them…unconditional happiness is a nice endavour…“enlightenment”…but what I learned again and again, and also saw very clearly during yesterdays journey…enlightenment is no permanent state that you reach…its only glimpses…its an advanture for the whole life…glimpse after glimpse…atleast this is the shamans view of it…and this yogic view of permanent enlightenment is only possible if you renounce the world. I decided a long time ago that this wasnt my goal…
I have made enlightenment for long enough my single focus in my life…its time to slow that journey down…

I think that I have developed enough so that I will attract a woman who has worked enough on her…who isn’t “damaged and bonkers” anymore…ill give that a try…and if I see its not working…well, I can still run after enligtenment and develop myself further.

I learned a lot from the medicine aswell…the shaman showed me how to work with tobacco. He allowed me to work on him with mapacho. Lets see when I will use this…

Lets see what else comes up…

[MechaShaman]

So…in the ayahuasca ceremony some days ago i was thinking about the seven deadly sins…I was asking myself…if I remove all of these from my life ther is only life as a monk left…

I asked chatGPTS for help:

Certainly! Viewing the seven deadly sins as shadow expressions of healthy behaviors provides a nuanced perspective on how qualities can become distorted. Here’s a list:

1. Pride (Shadow of Self-Confidence)

   • Healthy self-confidence and self-assurance become pride when we start to see ourselves as superior to others, refusing to acknowledge mistakes, or feeling entitled to more admiration than is earned.

2. Greed (Shadow of Ambition)

   • Ambition and a drive for success can lead to greed when we become excessively materialistic, hoard resources, or pursue wealth and status at the expense of our integrity or relationships.

3. Lust (Shadow of Passion)

   • Passion and a zest for intimacy turn into lust when we seek pleasure selfishly, disregard boundaries, or use others for gratification without emotional connection or respect.

4. Envy (Shadow of Inspiration)

   • Admiration and inspiration become envy when we obsess over what others have, feel resentful, and diminish our self-worth by constantly comparing ourselves to others’ successes.

5. Gluttony (Shadow of Enjoyment)

   • Healthy enjoyment and appreciation of food and pleasure shift to gluttony when we overindulge, using consumption as a distraction, or filling emotional voids in unsustainable ways.

6. Wrath (Shadow of Assertiveness)

   • Assertiveness and self-protection become wrath when we allow anger to consume us, act destructively, or seek revenge, often harming ourselves and others in the process.

7. Sloth (Shadow of Rest and Reflection)

   • Rest and the need for self-reflection turn into sloth when we avoid responsibilities, give in to apathy, or neglect our potential, choosing comfort over meaningful effort.

This perspective highlights how each sin can represent an excess or distortion of a positive quality, reminding us of the importance of balance and self-awareness.

I had a deep missunderstanding…I was again magnifying any behaviour in my mind to its essence…those seven deadly sins are only the unhealthy, extreme expressions of those energies…when you get lost in something…and not when endulging a bit…enjoying a bit…
Wow, this is a deep revalation for me…and will help me to create a much healthier ego.

[TheRock]

Wow, it’s impressive to see how much you’ve developed in the last few weeks, reading your recent entries. You’ve clearly grown significantly, almost like a different person. Congratulations on this progress!

[MechaShaman]

Thank you so much my friend.
Its very hard to see my own Growth and reflections like these show me that I am on the right path.

[MechaShaman]

Another Intention I had was to let go of my Anxiety and fear…
The medicine showed me how to work with the energy and vibration of fear: I have to become transparent to it. I need to relax my emotional body and simple let is pass through it. Become Invisible to it…It was definitley inspired by something I heared Maharishikaa a spiritual teacher talk about: Fear is like a cloud…and when its here, you say "go on fear, I dont need you here…but I feel that is allready to engaging…Becoming invisible to the vibration of fear sounds better.

The spirit of the Jaguar is about learning of fearlessness…as in his natural habitat, he is at the top of the foodchain…there is nothing that he has to fear…

Iits super interesting…I also had the impression to look into a special topic of human design…and it says something about fear: Fear is a mechanism of conciousness. It is there to make you alert and vigilant. To be intelligent means to be fearful.

[MechaShaman]

I had a super interesting dream this night…I was having sex with my ex-wife…and when I woke up…I was like…WTF oh yeah, we arent married anymore.
It feels like I have really gotten to a point where I have finished up with her and my marriage. It super interesting that this comes at the same time as when I open myself up again to another relationship on eye level…with my ex-gf I wasnt ready to get into a relationship on eye level…there I was only ready for beeing the chased one…

It feels like this place inside of me is opening up. I am super interested what Heartsong will bring to me…
I am getting also to the point that Emperor daddy is the correct subliminal for now for me…It has created all those internal shifts regarding my masculinity. So Ill see where it brings me further.

So the Stack will be Alchemist St.4, The final form; Emperor Daddy, with a different view now on masculinity, and Heartsong.

I have seen some people write intentions for their Subliminals…to give them a direction.,…I guess that is concious guidance…

Alchemist St. 4 - The final form

• Become more sensitive to internal energies, my emotional body and at the same time, feel these internal reality while staying connected to outside reality
• Continue to deepen my spiritual practice…I want to add some calm yoga to my evening ritual from now on…and this time I am not trying to do it perfectly (aka in silence)…i am gonna use some music with it, to make it easy for me
• Continue my Study in Shamanism and Human Design. I bought a quite indepth alberto Villoldo course a week ago. I wanna dive deeper there.
• I want to make it a habbit that when I am triggered I do some breathwork to recenter, I would like that this would be my first goto tool. As of yet I use the Rapé as my first tool…I have a great idea: Before I do rapé from now on, I am gonna do 1 minute of breathwork. Just to get into the habbit…4-5 times a day…I did it the same when I quit somoking.

Emperor Daddy - The Man

• Create a more structured day…the first thought that comes to my min is like school, or university…Get up do my morning toiletery, then do all the stuff that I dont want to do, paperwork, whatever…morning movement is optional if I have the energy. I shouldnt spend my energy with yoga if i then miss the energy to study. Spend every day 1-2 hours to do my courses.
• Stay away from cheap dopamine…its my biggest trap. once I start to use cheap dopamine, the day is over. It goes into a spiral…cheap dopamine ahs allways to be payed back later…and I never liked it to make depts. I dont want to owe myspelf/reality dopamine…biggest dangers of cheap dopamine for me are Youtube and netflix. Music is okay. Rapé is okay (i observed and it doesnt stop my productivity)…will continue to look out for dopamine traps…Its crazy…hwo one 5 minute loop of my custom with dopaminergic revival brought me to this understanding…not even one week later.
• Develop a habbit of speaking from my belly. That low mmasculine voice is very important for me…its super interesting how the wife of the shaman talked about this and I had a deep understanding how to speak in a lower voice.
• Become a bit more flirtatious and sexual with the woman I spend my time with. No pressure, let the sub unfold.
• Be more discilplined with my food and cooking…eat more healthy…no pressure as my nutrtion is allready quite good…talking going from 70% good to an even higherr number
• Get out of home and go for a walk a bit more often

Heartsong

• Let the sub unfold and get to know it.
• Write a list of the “expectations” or wishes I have for a woman…not a checklist, but a metric to see how fitting she is to me. Know what I want to know what I will say yes to…or What can be manifested.
• See how much reccon it creates

Something that came up during my breathwork that I did while writing this post: I felt that dissapointment in my solarplexus/chest/throat…that dissapointment of life…this time there was remorse…that I am sorry to life for putting so many expectations on it. On the last sexual shamanism retreat I learned of my relationship to life itself…and it is super interesting…I start to see how there is just one relationship…the one between shiva and shakti…the one between my and lover… I start to see how I also had those expectations on my previous partners…and how this created super troxic behaviours and patterns…I was together with a projection, but not another human. How to get to a place in life where I dont interact with projections anymore? where I dont project at all? Maybe its impossible…Human design talks about projection…that there are specific people who carry that projection field, and some who dont…I will investigate that further.
Nevertheless…I will try to approach life with less expectations from now on…I will approach myself with less expectations from now on…

On Ayahuasca I had this interesting revaltion reagrding my ability to relax, as this is a big “issue” in my life…I saw all these “shoulds” I have about myself…I should be able to relax at any moment…I should be able to relax with any person…I should be able to relax instantly…
First I had this moment where the Shaman called me to work on me with his hands and tobacco. My body was quite tense, but in that state I could tell it to relax…I could make the CHOICE to relax…That I choose to feel safe around him.
On the next day I had this understanding that I can let go of all those shoulds…all of those shoulds when I should relax and approach that topic differently: Just observe when I am able to relax and what I do to get to that space of relaxation…and do more of that!

Can you see it? This is again a case of a half empty and a half full cup. The halt empty cup says…I should be full, there is so much missing…and the half full one says…hey look whats inside of me…in these ways I can relax lets do more of it!
It feels like something very very deep has shifted withhin me regarding that half empty and half full cup…and it takes me over.

[MechaShaman]

Its super interesting…I hear that childish voice inside of me asking to get some Rapé…
dont know yet what to do with that…
The breathwork before doing rapé has showed it…its fear that is in my system…it makes super sense…because this is what i allready started to see with the Rapé…when the nicotine stops working after 20-30mins, i feel anxiety…but what I actually fell is the anxiety coming back up!!!…
I have been investigating the power of intention for quite some time now. On thing I saw is that also unspoken intentions that are in the shadows are manifested…and when this subconcious wish to take rapé carries the energy of “redeem me from anxiety”…it will do so…but it will come back…

It feel good to be honest about it that I use Rapé to self medicate anxiety away…I accept it. I know at some point I will be able to feel the anxiety and transform it.
But until then, I dont punish, shame or condemn me for wanting some pauses from feeling fear and wanting to feel inner peace.

[MechaShaman]

This rapé immideatly pulled up grief.
I am startingto feel stress in my energy body. Its not in my body but around me, in my aura. when my aura is cleansed of stress, I have no issues feeling emotions and letting them flow…whats intereting though is that the process of crying creates stress in my aura…I guess thats a remainder of my childhood…emotions werent allowed…when I cried I was told not to cry. When I was angry, I was told not to be be angry. When I was joyous and loud, I was told to be silent.
All emotions that showd at the outside were stifled. And so all expressions of emotions create stress in me…because of the fear of punishment. The fear of beeing abandoned.
Lets see if simply recognizing this connection allows me to let go of it.

Very pround of the level of honesty I reached with myself. And the big shift I am going through in the last days. ANd grateful for all the help I got either from people in my life, knowledge that came through my through friend, books, the internet or the spirit world.

[MechaShaman]

Listening Day again…4 Minutes oF Heartsong,3 minutes of Alch St. 4

Yesterday in the evening I had a realization regarding those masculine Archetypes. As the Magican and the Sage are quite strong inside of me, I gave them the reigns over my life. But I had the realization…this is not healthy…In every Story, every Movie…those are advisers. If they get to a position of power…they most likely start to corrupt. I have to be very careful regarding that. Because I started to see that I have the tendency that my live gets to sattvic, to clean…that I have the thendency to become to spiritual and to detached from the world…when I am in that state, I only want to sit in my home and look around my room, meditate, do yoga, eat super healthy and go for walk…all else is “spinning” for me…unnecessary to life and something that will create some sort of up and down in life…
So the power to rule has to be taken from the inner Sage and inner Shaman. Especially as for those my sexual needs are not of high importance…its allways something…for later…when the oportunity arrises, but they don’t really put me into opportunitys where I can get to know someone.

After listening to lovesong, I remembered the time with my Ex-Gf before we had sex. It was wonderful actually. She was married, so off limits and we had this wonderful relationship…she was like a sister for me. She somehow was completly like me, but at the same time completly different. It was such a beautiful relationship. I deeeeeeeply loved her…and somehow it was so pure, as sexuality wasn’t involved. It was very similar to the relationship with my best friend. There were no issues, no fights, we could just be there for each other. Sexuality brought in another dimention…somehow suddenly there was this dimension of claim of ownership. And all those projected needs and demands.
I want to get back to a place where I can have such relationship with woman. But it seems that since I had that sexual relationship with her, I look at all woman in a somehow thirsty/needy way…and this taints how I approach them…
Somehow it feels like I have to work on my intention and energetic contract that I put out when engaging woman…since quite some time, it has been: Can I get this woman to want to have sex with me? And I feel the manipulative, shadowy, needy energy in that…

What about I want to get to know this woman to see if she is material for a relationship? Sounds defitley like a better way to approach a woman.
But what about my sexual needs? There I have this conflict inside of me…the sage( or yogi) inside me says: You need to learn to channel all of this sexual energy, think about when you have a relationship and your partner doesnt want sex at a point…you need to be able to control yourself…and I start to see the perfectionism inside of me again…
Going to prostitutes is one option. Its actually the thing that my yoga teacher, a tantric master, told me…If you cant channel it, go to a prostitute, dont feel ashamed, dont make a big thing out of it.
Sadly at those sexual shamanism retreats, nothing really has happened in the past. I am on a weekend long event this weekend…lets see what happens.
I don’t know what other manifestation routes there are for uncomlicated, easy sex…that fills the gap until I have another relationship. Swingerclubs? Sex Positive spaces?

What I definitley know is that when I dont feed that part of me, it gets crazy…I obsess about sex, I stare at all womans boobs, asses and yonis and I am super frustrated in my life.
Maybe till I found another pathway to life it out, I should make it a structured priority to go to a prostitute every other week. Structure it like food…with food I see: when I dont prepare lunch in time and get to hungry, *to needy, I am like: fuck this shit, I am going out to eat…and I eat something unhealthy…I see a parallel in regards to my sexuality aswell. When I push it to the future more and more, at some point I go back to PMO…and I dont have an issue with M and O when done in moderation…but P is definitley not healthy for me.

Yesterday I sat in an online satsang with a spiritual teacher…and It was super interesting…this guy leads people to enlightenment. I have been there. But I lost it again. And I actually dont want it all the time. It makes me super passive…just sitting around. No drive to do anything. This is something for when I am 60 or 70. But for now its to early…
Where I had a big breakthrough is when he talked about that to reach enlightenment,its important to let go of everything. That enlightenment is more important for someone than everything else. To fully go to the place of Thy will be done, rather than mine…
There is an internal conflict inside of me…not all of me wants that. There is a part that wants that…and wants to feel that deep peace and feeling at home inside myself.
But my sex center doesnt agree. I learned this some time ago…that when making intentions, ask your Mind, Heart and Sex for a yes…and my sex center doenst want to let go of all control. And thats okay.
Its again super beautiful to be honest with myelf…and to integrate more. To not split my psyche in all those extreme parts…that one wants to go fully on the yogic, spiritual path…that one wants to have sex…that one wants to become a shaman…that one wants a partner…that one wants to study human design…but to get to a point and view that those are parts withhin myself that need someone to rise above them and create order…this sounds very adult and mature to me