A life worth living and dying for - MechaShaman

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#121

Yesterday I did a Energy Healing with “the spiritual Activator”.
Today after Listening to EmpD, I thought about Quitting Rapé…the shamanic tobacco snuff I use…I know that I am addicted to it…I have this on and off relationship with nicotine…one year ago I quit Smoking Cigarettes (and also Rapé). In August I “allowed myself to become addicted to it again” conciously. Rape is definety more healthy than smoking…
It was very interesting. After a talk with my bestfriend I thought again…why is it so bad to be addicted to it? Isn’t it okay to be addicted to something if I know it? Often it really helps me to recenter myself when I am triggered and then I am centered enough to make “wise choices” like use somatic movement practises to regulate. Or I take it and then an amazing journal post comes out of me. Or I put on some music and dance.

So I conciously decided not to quit for now. Ill have to quit anyhow when I make my thailand journey in 6 Weeks…this was the quitting date and there I have a pause of a month to decide how my future relationship will be.

But for now Ill keep this as my “bad habbit”…i dont want to push the addiction to the shadows again. Ill talk to my therapist about that this week…I havent found the true answer that completly resonates with all my beeing it seems…but maybe I am just lying to myself…for now.

#122

Something very intersting happened after listening to EmpD:

I bought my next Alberto Villoldo Online Course…and as its a digital product there is a 2 Week money back guarantee…and I thought: I can simply download everything and return the product.
After I had my call with my friend, I realized: I don’t want to be like that. I don’t need to steal. I have enough money… My way of rationalizing my was was: my power is of intellectual nature and I am just using a loophole…Im like the sly fox…

I had a look at my Archetype cards…and indeed for the shadow behaviour of the Thief, it say “Shadow thief doesnt steal out of actual need (such as starvation) but out of perceived need (shoplifting items one can afford to buy)”…The need underneath was to perceive a sense of power…The thief prods you to learn to generate power from within by alerting you when you are in danger of losing faith in yourselg…very interesting. …and the light aspect: “Sheds light on the potential wealth within you that can never be stolen”…so I guess the power that I start to see withhin myself is my integrity…my want to be in a reality filled with love and abundance for everyone…with fairness…and where loopholes arent abused…

#123

Was for lunch with my family today.
It was super interesting…i found this dimension of energy of how much I want to be “part of the family”. I felt when I leaned in, I would loose myself and would behave exactly as everyone would want me to be in the family…and when I went out I felt like myself again…like when I am alone. It is definitly the merging pattern at play here. I somehow felt the energetic structur of my family…the conditioning of my family as an entity. My current shamanic course is about that.

But kudos to me again for beeing able to stay myself with my family…progress has been made :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign:

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#124

Listenting to longer loops of Subs defintley have a way different impact…it goes way deeper and still after 3 days I still feel that the subs are being processed.
On sunday >I had quite some headaches, which got better after I was at another energy healing…I will wait some more days till I listen again to EmPD and Alchemist. But I am having amazing manifestations in regard of productivity and discipline…But EmpD feels way better than regular Emperor for me.

I really love the Alchemist journey. I am getting to a point of capability of energy work that I used to only be able to perform on weed. I am proud of myself for that. Its been now nearly 10 months off it. I trusted that I will get there without it and I got there.

I want to increase my resiliance to those headaches I get from the Sub processing further…but it comes down to resiliance. I guess both Emperer and Alchemist have resiliance scripting… so Ill get there. And also my theraphist told me that I am currently in the process of building resiliance.

Also some days ago I oversteped a boundary of myself…to please someone else. I stepped into his projection of mine. Luckily I could redo everything and noone is super mad with me. I learned a lot out of it…what happenes on an energetic level through invitation, requests and interaction. And how this merging pattern corresponds to projections and people pleasing.

I am growing and growing and growing :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign:

#125

Soo…
Had my first experience as Assistant Spaceholder for a medicine ceremony.
It was quite an experience and I learned a lot. It was nice to be in a service role…but what I recognized: It is very very hard to take positive feedback in…it somehow doesnt stick in me. It doesnt make me feel good…I dont know if this is good or bad…I will investigate further.

It also took a lot of energy…energy that I barely have. And staying up late and losing my own rythm, my own structure was a little difficult.

Today I listened to my stack again…EmpD and Alchemist St. 3. Again longer loops. 5:30 and 3:30.
The longer loops definitley do me good, but they give my mind a lot more to process and it feels like my head is aching. A lot of energy flowing through my body. Lets see how this unfolds in the next days…Since the last listening it was 8 days…maybe a bit to long. 3 days pause may be the best. But I would like to get to a point where this processing doesnt bug me anymore. To get to this level of resiliance.

Listening to the stack put me from a place of I dont want to do anything today to a state of mind of motivation and to get things done… As I am investigating ADHD currently, this simply may be my mind…and if subliminals can “cure” this…I guess thats what it takes and what I need…definitley better than medication…and I guess after some months it will stick with me…Build Momentum and keep momentum…not fall into the hole of stillstand anymore.

#126

Woah…Somehow my Capacity for Subliminals has increased massively during the last months. Those Processing headaches lasted not even the whole day. And where way easier to handle than in the past.
Had a crazy dream today…my childhood patterns were replayed. My parents didnt listen to me…and when I got angry they refused to talk to me and ignored me. This created this disgusting dynamic between us…that I only got what I wanted if I behaved as I was supposed to be and only got that whats “deemed okay”. Reading that I see that this is how a normal parent would behave…or not? Because with my brothers it was differently…they threw tantrums over and over until they got ewhat they wanted. Things I never got. Expensive phones e.g.
Especially regarding my youngest brother there is a lot of envy…I was the “golden child”…my middle brother the “black sheep”…until my youngest brother was born…then I was simply left alone “because the eldest is self sufficient” and my youngest brother became the golden child. No time for me anymore…I simply functioned…more or less…I secretly drank alcohol…my parents didnt keep the alcohol locked away and out of childrens reach…
All my childhood I mostly just had 1 friend. No clique or so…one friend with whom I was in a submissive, more or less toxic relationship.
All of this I can forgive my parents…but for what happened when I was around 13-14 I havent been able to forgive yet. I was deeply lonely. Depressed. Several times I thought about cutting myself. Also talked with my parents about this. And that I am mobbed in school. They talked once to a teacher…nothing changed…I would have needed theraphy at that point in my life.
Really started drinking then and smoking…got together with the wrong friends…they really got my drunk…like passed out drunk…I guess they thought it would be funny…was way to drunk and I guess I had alcohol poisoning. This call for help wasn’t heard.
From that point on I escaped into video games…like really escaped… World of warcraft…I was living only in that world anymore…all my life was just about it anymore.

Life got a bit better when I moved from lower high school to higher highschool…and foudn a friend in the new class…there were soem toxic dynamics…but we were both geeks and shared our interests…we learned how to cook explosives in the garage…not like just black powder…we were cooking nitroglycerin and similar stuff XD…He also intoduced me to drungs…weed and mushrooms…this is where this all started.

Life became a good amount better when I met another guy who was a born again christian…and he introduced me to these teenager churches…nice music, singing, hugs…It was nice…This was the beginning of my deep dive into spirituality…in hindsight as an adult I see how I was running away from life…again into another world. And the crazy stuff is: I didnt understand this loving forgiving god at all…I projected my mommy and daddy issues onto jesus…The concept of unconditional love was still not understandable…I couldnt integrate it…there was is one part in me that could take it…but that other part inside of me…that like to smoke weed, masturbate, etc…my shadow…I had DEEP SHAME for it…like massively…SOO MUCH SHAME…and christianity couldnt help me with that…

It didnt help that I really got ridiculed and mobbed in school for beeing a christian now…during civil service after school I also got mobbed for it…and because of this, during the next phase of my life…I kept silent about it…didnt tell anyone about this part of my life…my believes, my spirituality…I WAS SO FUCKING ASHAMED OF BELIVING IN GOD/JESUS…I didnt even tell my ex-wife anything about that phase of my life…meanwhile…inside of me…i was feeling so bad…i thought I would go to hell for abandoning god…
I was so ashamed for beeing spiritual…I am glad I am not anymore. I am glad that now the people I have in my life are also deeply spiritual. I am glad that I have more friends now and not only this one favourite person. I am grateful that my friends listen to me. I am glad my childhood is over. This inner child of me needs still some time to understand that childhood is over…that there isnt the same danger anymore from the people around me…I guess thats the source of my anxiety…

#127

That is awesome, that you made this turnaround and took your live in your own hands. Keep it going.

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#128

Sooo…
I dont knwo what has shifted in the last months, but I can take those 5 minute loops quite easily now. Nearly nothing yesterday…other than overeating at the all you can eat where I was with a friend…but this is a regular thing to do…I want to change that…Most of the time I am finished after 30 Mins, but we like to stay and talk and he eatsa lot more…So I am baited again and again to order more.

Today I gave my Custom another loop. 5 Minutes this time…and WOW…it hits entirely differently. I had deep understandings about the nature of poloarity…about how to work with contradicting parts inside myself.

I wanna see how the custom works differently from the reccon perspective…for now it feels that it processes way easier. But lets see!

#129

Simply WOW…today was the best day since long.
The custom completley took over. I had so much drive…so much joy. Amazing.
I had a deep healing process right after listening aswel…how to work with contradicting parts inside of me…
2h of yoga/cardio today. Even dedusted my home and collected all those spiderwebs.

Didnt really recognize Khan Black like I used to…lets see!

Also: I wanted to binge youtube a bit…but after 5 minutes…I was like: fuck this shit…this doesnt get me anywhere…proud of myself :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign:
I guess thats Synergy: Breath of the storm…
Had a walk…was wondering about nature and full of gratitude.

Will add the Custom to my Stack…so Alch3, EmpD and the Vessel of Love for now. Its been now 20 days since the first listen of Alch3…one more Loop on friday…on Saturday I am gonna have Ayahuasca with a shaman again…lets see how long I was out…then Ill start Alch St. 4

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#130

A lot of sadness today…but also joy…heard the song to which my exwife and I studied a dance for…no grief…but good feelings that these exeriences were part of my life. Once I experienced that disney dream of going super all in with a partner…share everything…combined accounts…shared complete social circles…
Don’t know yet if I will ever go ther again. Or to leave some safety up…maybe I go there again at some point…but with time…let trust build slowly.
Griefing the relationship with my exgf again. That I still grief for this shows me that I am not ready for another relationship yet. I would have expectations of that relationship for the next one…I don’t want to bring those projections to another woman…and I also don’t want to be targeted by such projections from previous relationships of her.

Still super present and not running away from any feelings…
This custom indeed is the foundation for me…

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#131

Drafting my next custom currently…
I know its broad…but this is my try to not sub hop anymore…run those two customs…change my life…

  • Alchemist St. 4 Core
  • Emperor Daddy Core
  • Synergy: Divine Dominion 6
  • Synergy: Energetic Transcendence 5 (I wanna experience that module)
  • Synergy: Wisdom of Ages 4 (Wisdom is what a shaman/yogi embodies)
  • Synergy: Subconcious Mastery 2 (sounds like an amazing module to get to know myself and for long term development)
  • Synergy: Voice is the law 2 (having a deep masculine voice is one of my biggest goals)
  • Synergy: Tale of the Dragon 4 (I wanna be more humouros)
  • Inner Gasoline (learn how to use my sexual energy for my own life and process anc channel it)
  • Mystic Osmosis (spiritual)
  • Elemental Opus (spiritual)
  • Psyche Restoration (to take care of depression and anxiety)
  • Subconcious Flow (Seems like a nice lifehack, better my yoga practice, everything)
  • Growth Through Pain (I hope this lets me handle recon and Emotions better, may be unnecceasary with including Emperor daddy?)
  • Emotions Unfettered (May also be unnecessary with Emperor Daddy?)
  • Deep sleep (Sleep is important)
  • Mosaic (why not?)

little to much…
Growth through Pain and Emotions Unfettered should be handled by Emperor Daddy and Synergy: Breath of the Storms by the other custom.

  • Alchemist St. 4 Core
  • Emperor Daddy Core
  • Synergy: Divine Dominion 6
  • Synergy: Energetic Transcendence 5 (I wanna experience that module)
  • Synergy: Wisdom of Ages 4 (Deeper wisdom…yeah)
  • Synergy: Subconcious Mastery 2 (sounds like an amazing module to get to know myself and for long term development)
  • Synergy: Voice is the law 2 (having a deep masculine voice is one of my biggest goals)
  • Synergy: Tale of the Dragon 4 (Speaking is my strenth, wanna refine it)
  • Mystic Osmosis (spiritual)
  • Psyche Restoration (to take care of depression and anxiety)
  • Subconcious Flow (Seems like a nice lifehack, better my yoga practice, everything)
  • Deep sleep (Sleep is important)
  • Mosaic (why not?)

okay…2 Cores, 6 Synergy (23), 4 Modules…29 in Total…bit much…my other Custom has 23 in Total…Divine Dominion is shared…so this is actually only 23 more :upside_down_face:
Tale of the Dragon is still open for discussion…maybe instead of it add inner gasoline again…

#132

Lots of Recon today…Sadness, tiredness and fear…Bingewatched most of the day some crap. Lovebomb kinda leads to this sort of reccon…
There is a question I ask myself regarding khan black…it gives a huge energy boost when I listen, but later I “pay” for it with tiredness…Dunnoh if that is worth it.
Lovebomb also seemingly keeps on digging and digging…but I guess since I found something where I havent griefed fully it will hit there…

The thing is…with my ExGF I felt a love that I have never felt before…like not even with MDMA or Ayahuasca…maybe with the Hare Krishna guru…it was crazy…
The story i tell myself is that if I grief for that relationship, I “call back” that love to me…because it is inside of me…I could feel that love because I could project my hidden parts onto her and externalize them…shadowy parts…but also things that are withhin me but are somehow blocked often…joy, playfulness, just being…
Why cant I experience these things alone with myself? Do I think I havent deserved it? Do I think its impossible? Am I afraid that if I do so I don’t need other people? The last one is kinda hitting something…and yeah…actually it would be nice not to need other people…but to enjoy there company…my theraphist once told me that I am pushing functions onto people…

Having some Ayahuasca today again…to get into it when I sit with the shaman in 2 days…
Lets see what she shows me after this day…

Day wasnt completly bad though…I did laundry, cooked some more medicine (which is quite a process actually), got my car to repair and back and did some yoga in the morning…also, I didnt have much rapé today…but when I had it…I immideatly stopped binging, moved a bit and got going again…It really works as a recon breaker…

DALL·E 2024-10-31 18.31.06 - A surreal and mystical depiction of the spirit of Ayahuasca. Visualize a luminous, ethereal figure merging with a dense jungle landscape. The spirit a
DALL·E 2024-10-31 18.31.06 - A surreal and mystical depiction of the spirit of Ayahuasca. Visualize a luminous, ethereal figure merging with a dense jungle landscape. The spirit a1024×1024 497 KB

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#133

A big thing that came up in the last days was purpose…something deeper than hedonistic goals…yes…i am studying all those spiritual things
…but i have no idea where it will lead…i just do it because this is whats interesting for me…
Idk if this is enough…i kinda feel its not enough to keep the hedonism in bay in me…with hedonism i mean lust…bingewatching, masturbation, overeating, being lazy…

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#134

Your journal inspires me to get off the last small dose of SSRI, and to start working (cautiously) with the vine.

Thank you.

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#135

This is deep! How are you?

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#136

Hah :stuck_out_tongue:

For getting off SSRIs Kambo can help (but only do it with a facilitator). Or Ketamin theraphy…I used Ketamin Theraphy to get of my Antidepressant (Wellbutrin).

The vine is actually really nice to microdose instead of an SSRI. I have only limited experiences with SSRIs…I once took a small dose (thats supposed to not be feelable at all) of it and that day I was like a zombie, nearly had 2 car accidents…decided I wont put that into my body.

#137

Hi!
Doing good right now, regarding my past and childhood.

Just some intense Reccon from Lovebomb. Feeling lonely.
I start to see how much physical touch I need to be properly nourished.
No idea how to get that other than a relationship…

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#138

Puhh…after this one month break from ayahuasca…I have forgotten how amazing it is :sweat_smile:

One thing that came to me whas the topic of purpose…
So what I say to myself regarding my new career is: I wanna guide peope trough transformative processes…In the beginning I couldnt take this as a pupose…I thought I needed someting bigger…Like my theraphist would say…isnt this enough?

So how to become someone who does that? Well…I can only guide people to where I by myself have traveled…and as a lot of spiritual traditions tell: the students appear when the teacher is ready…so its all about going my own process of self actualization…And this is the goal I have…this is the overarching goal for my live…create the life thats deeply resonating with my being. Where my needs are met.

Its kinda hard for me to go this route…I am not following any curriculum…not any course…no teacher above me who I follow…just trusting my inner guidance…its fucking scarry. Trusting completley in the process of live. Trusting into the unknow while at the same time taking full responsibility for it…something here feels off…maybe I take in to much rescponsibility…and should trust that the inner guidance…the self will take care of anything that comes…

Masculinity:
I keep coming back to a very toxic image of masculinity…that a real man doesnt need anything…that I real man just provides and takes care of the people around him…that he burns himself out and sacrifices himself for his familiy and tribe…that a real man doesnt have needs…And I completley see how my father is exactly like that…I was so drawn to the spiritual and yogic traditions to get rid of all my needs…I dont wanna have this image of the masculine anymore…From now on I wanna dropt that.

The big topic of needs…accepting that I have needs…that I am needy… its super hard for me. Especially regarding the social needs. Touch, Intimacy…It is out of my control. Meeting someone who I am comfortable with is out of my control. Its scarry…There is a big fear inside of me to stay alone forever.

Also an interestaing thing as I am running emperor Daddy…
How to balance drive and doing and resting and enjoying life? I kinda tend to go in extreme cycles… this is also the balance between delayed gratification and instant gratification…how to balance those two?

Many question open up…many feelings surface…but this is how it is…I know that I will come out well the other side and that I will learn a shitton through the journey.

#139

How to balance?

How to balance the want for instant gratification and long term satisfaction?
I see that instant gratification is something that is more coming from what I call the inner teenager. The inner adult in me likes to plan longer. It wants to make the choices that are good in the long term for me. What I learned from neuroscience and shamanism this inner teenager is more connected to the mamalian brain that is steered by emotions…and the inner adult is more connected to the frontal cortex…the part of the brain which is less connected with ADHD and CPTSD (which I am diagnosed with)…
What have I learned to get to that place? Medication, Tobacco, Drugs…but also psychedelics. It all comes down to a regulated nervous system…

IDK how much subliminals can help me with this…I work on this with theraphy.
I start to see that having a regulated nervous system is the most important thing in my life…when I am not regulated, I make non-adult choices…when I am not regulated, no amount of mental forcing is helping me…I am stuck in fight/flight mode where I use methods of instant gratification.

#140

So another thing that comes to my conciousness…once I made the “wise” or right choices and delayed gratification…an inner part of me ask for a “Reward”…“now I pulled myself together and now I want to have a reward”…which creates a rubberband and somehow keeps me stuck it feels…maybe not totally stuck…but slows me down.

It all comes down to the carrot and stick game…somehow this program runs in me…allways doing something to achieve something…not doing things for the sake of doing…this feels like a deep realization that I cannot fully put into words yet.

Also during yesterdays ayahuasca ceremony something was shocking me…I had to purge…can happen with ayahuasca…but it was kinda crazy how I set my priorities…first I cleaned the bucket and made all “the things” beautiful again…and only then I realized that my mouth is tasting disgusting and washed it and cleaned my face…writing this…a theme of my childhood comes to my mind…whenever something “happened” (like an accident during DIY)…my parents focus was allways on the negative…and on the things that got broken…no “ohh, good you didnt hurt yourself”…just…“that thing is brocken now…100€ down the drain”…

This negative bias that I copied from my parents is ruining my life. But how do I change this? How can I start to look on the bright side of life? on the 90% of my life that work? and not focus all the time on the 10% that don’t work?

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