That’s a beautifull picture. May I ask which tools you used to create it?
Just chat gpt!
Pushed in something along the lines of:
Draw an image of a blong long haired blue eyed shaman beeing seduced by the spirit of ayahuasca in the form of a beautiful woman.
May have been some tries of “draw an alternative”
You have to be lucky that the images are so explicit, when asked for a more revealing outfit, chat gpt doesnt wanna do this 
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I am thinking a lot about my subliminal switching…if it is some sort of recon…or if this is simply my approach of using subliminals as a tool for my (quite unique process)…
Even before working with subliminals i knew that the outside world is just a reflection of my inner state…and its only a matter of doing the inner work and the outside will change…
As each microloop (and i only listen to like 10-30 secs) brings new revalations, lets me let go of blockages and changes my inner world…ill simply co tinue to go for it…that what i call the shamanic spiral approach
I simply want it all…i want expansion in all directions…and when i look back on the last 6 months…so much has changed. Every subliminal i have listened to is still there. Maybe not in the full intensity as when i directly ran it for some weeks…but the experiences given by NSE and the inner processes have stayed…hell, even from the 2 1-2 min loops of power can corrupt i still profit.
Ill simply continue to trust my inner knowing. As i have been doing the last 3 years. And the progress i made is immens. During yesterdays ayahuasca ceremony I had memories about how i was 2 years ago…so much has changed. And the change keeps on becoming faster and faster.
One thing that i feel holds my back is that house i still own…so much of my energy is blocked there…buts in the working…
The last some posts were quite romantic…all of this was triggered by a comment of @Parsifal …where he wrote about his experiences with his partner…
The thing is…this is what I actually want. I want someone who is on a level with me. I dont want to need to be the “masculine man” who has all the power, all the responsibility…and whose wife or partner is obly in a surrendered submissive position.
I want a woman who is on a level with me. Who is like a copy of my, but completely different. Where there is a dance of the archetypes between us…one time i am dominant, she is submissive, the the other way around…one time i am her guru, and then she is my guru…a woman to merge with…woth no bullshit games. A woman who has conquered her lizard and mamalian brain. A yogini, a master of her reality…
A woman i can sing that song to that i pushed out to ayahuasca yesterday…
I cant let my fingers of you,
I want more of you,
Take me,
I want us to merge,
I want to loose myself in you,
I want to devour you,
I want to become one with you…
I want to sing my heartsong…
All this redpill/pickup things I learned…lal this process…is just for this one goal…
I thought i would have to take a strategic approach…first be able to pickup woman and then at some point choose one…but why bother with that? Why not trust in subclub? And there is the perfect subliminal for this goal…
Still i want to conquer my sexual traumas, still i would like to experience some casual sexuality…but with honest intimancy…without any tricking, playing, chords attached, manipulation…
But the goal is to meet her…
…the one thats equally crazy for spirituality…
…the one that can be equally crazy and dirty in bed…
…the one who is also a trickster, switcher and Chamäleon…
…the one that not only requires me to hold her, but can also hold me at some times…
…and i know…there is not only one woman who fills this niche…and when i meet one who fullfillms my needs it wont be the one, that i never dare to push away or loose…i learned that this is a road to disaster…
I listened to 30s of lovesong in the morning…since discovering AI and drawing all those romantic pictures of me and her created a lot of longing in my heart…i wanted to give it a try… No reccon from it. Nothing at all.
In my therapy session something interesting came out of my mouth…that I wouldnt want a relationship like with my exgf again…where she was chasing me…i was listening to khan and WB back then…
But i am totally honest: she wasnt good enough for me…i had the feeling that i could do better. She filled a lot of boxes…but she was running borderline on existential minimum, had her two kid (i wont be a daddy to other children…either my own or none), and she was in a rough position in life and very dependent on me…to dependend…i felt the energetic burden so intensly. I was her lover, guru, shaman, theraphist…this gave me a lot of power…a part of my was quite turned on by this…and was yearning for that power…but i am proud of myself for running away…i started to abuse that power. I dont want that power over another human being. I want to be with a beeing on my level…
This is what I am dreaming of…
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Wow, its amazing how fast heartsong is hitting…a lot of feelings of melancholy and longing… beautiful romantic moods…
And right now I asked myself: what am i looking for in a relationship?
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I want a woman who can stand on her own feet, who isnt dependent financially on me
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I want a woman who has her shit together…by that I dont mean the she is perfect…but that she know her issues, her shadows and has the ressources to deal with it…be it therapists, emotional release tools, etc.
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I want a woman with who I can life out the different flavours of sexuality…be it crazy spiritual tantric sex, i wanna have crazy sex on psychedelics, i wanna be able to do bdsm scenes with her and step fully into my dominance (without having to be in that role 100% of my life), I want that we can go complete animals and just let go
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I want a woman who’s main goal in life is not to have children, but who follows a “higher purpose”, right now, a family is so far out of sight for me…i dont know if i ever want to have a child
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Regular monogamy is not required…as with all that sexual shamanism i also want to do, quite some freedom and trust is required. Maybe some boundaries like no kissing of others (one of my teachers said, that people dont fall in love with their genitalia, but with their tongues) and no regular or oral sex with others… I don’t know if I am ready for the full open relating.
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I want to be able to respect her, some intelligence and wisom is needed
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As some beauty, both from her being and looks
Still…this woman who provides these points needs to manifest in my life first.
Until then its time to have fun…
So i wanna be bold from now on and have as much fun as possible during the next some retreats
It would be amazing to experience some free love for some time.
And for that, the Khan is still the right Archetype for me. I love how Khan gives me that no Bullshit attitude. I love the directness of my words when I use Khan. I love how I say what I want. I love how I do whats needed.
Only issue with Khan is, it pushes me to so much action…a bit to much for my still from burnout and long covid recovering body.
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wow wow wow
I had a crazy revelation…since listening to heartsong yesterday morning, i find myself sometimes in a feeling of romantic longing over and over again…this longing for my other half, this longing for the one…
I completly pushed this down…do as psychology says…there is no the one…there is noone who is perfect…and sure…she wont be perfect…she will be an imperfect human being…but she will be perfect for me…
And this realization has some very very big implications about how I will relate to woman from now on…
Not every woman I am romantically interested in will be potentially my next partner…no more trying to get and win that woman that is in front of me…
But rather…finding out IF that woman in front of me is that perfect fit
This creates such a relieve in me. I know that my other half or twin flame is somewhere out there…i know it, I feel it. Its only a matter of finding her from now on.
This will eaze me a lot in any encounter with woman from now on…because there is nothing to lose anymore. If it is the one…i will make it right…by destiny. And if it is not the one? I will safe a lot of timeif she doesnt like me…the most I can lose by “fucking up” is some casual sex…
And on the other hand…i already feel it…this revelation unroots the root cause of my neediness I had with any woman…sure…when I start to think shes the one it will come…but she will feel the same with me…
And exactly this outcome independence opens my door for some casual fun 
What a great day and revelation 
This is the goal:
Visited my parents today…
Its allways a hustle…this whole awakening I have been going through since now 4 years…
Its all about breaking free from my parents, my early childhood conditioning, ancestral patterns etc…
Basically the journey of becoming adult…
Its hurts so much that they dont see me anymore. That they dont even ask what courses I attend to…that they dont ask what I learn, what human design is…
The only thing I hear over and over again…is: we worked so hard all our life and you just spend our money and dont want to work
I wasnt raised to become a self sufficient adult. I was raised to be a son who does what is said to him…and now that I break those chains…all i get from them is resistance…It hurts a lot. To surpass my parents and only beeing pulled down for it.
They live very misserable lives. They have so much money…but they are so trapped in programs amd believes how one is supposed to be…
Still…I am getting better and better at being myself…being the adult me with them and not falling back in being a child…
I am so looking forward when this fucking house sittuation is cleared and I am no longer financially involved with them. Its very hard to run alpha subs for me…because at soon as I do…i immediately want to break all bonds with them…but to sort this out in a civilised way takes time sadly. I hate it…but accept it. Only some more months…
Had kambo 
today again…it showed me a lot where In my life and in what patternd i still carry victimhood.
Today a journey with the mighty San Pedro 
It was a fullminant ending for this last weeks of intense purging with the mother.
Two days ago I saw inside out 2…amazing movie. A masterpiece. It triggered my core wound. I completely forget a very deep truth…
I am a good human
Today during san pedro I was in the woods and it hit me…I am a good human
I was sitting in the woods for an hour crying. I never want to forget that truth again.
Spend the evening performing sex magic to program that into my being.
It went down to one very powerful affirmation:
I am a good, self assured, interesting man, who is in his center and is mafnetically attractive for woman who want to experience my sexuality with me
I am ready for my retreat. I know a lot will change.
Again taking a woman on the drive there. Allready exchanged some voice notes with her since two weeks…went into a flirty direction. Lets see where it takes me 
Hadban intense trauma theraphy session today…
Some days ago I wrote why i cant really run alpha subs…because immideatly i am so triggered about the situation with the house i still own…and where my parents have their fingers in…
The whole situation with my parents needs clearance. I need to slget out of this dependency.
This is more important than my new career. This is of utmost importance for my physical and mental health… …i need to get away from my parents…they will continue and continue to abuse me…they cannot do it any other…
All this spiritual nonsense…when you change, other people change…bullshit…i tried it for so long…but they stay the same…all this talk about if you meet people in love they will answer with love…it doesnt work for my and my parents.
I need to make changes.
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Just came back from my retreat…Black Butterfly…
Ohh what am experience it was…and how different it was from how I expected it to be…
This was the second time I was at that retreat…but it was way different. Way less sexual…and way deeper regarding transformational shadow work…
I didn’t connect with woman the way I liked to…and i dont punish myself for that.
So what was this retreat all about? Becoming the creator of your own reality…so something quite wimilar to what we are attempting here at subclub. The focus of that retreat was more focused on breaking out of the patterns that keep me stuck in loops. To not necessarily having to experience them but to let them go before being stuck in a replay of my childhood patterns or anchestral patterns.
A very important part was also to shift from victim mindset to creator mindset…the first time i did this retreat, last december, 2 weeks later, i gave up weed. My therapists also reflected to me some months later, that something shifted in me and that i am no longer in victimhood…
Though i see that regarding some things, i was still in victimhood, though not as strong… As i have learned when quitting weed, i had to go through a lot of stuff again to experience the same thing without weed…so lets see what shift will be coming to my life.
I want to summarize the highlights:
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It was super interesting to see some other men that I deemed as role models…there was one super madculine man, really attracting woman. And a second one who had this amazing combination of grounded masculinity and sensitivity. While that pure masculinity was really magnetizing me…i feel that with me, this integration of femininity and masculinity is more what i strive for.
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I am so pround of the progress I made regarding emotional regulation…it was quite easy to show and process emotions in front of others.
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I got a lot of positive feedback… especially regarding my ability to show vulnerability, taking space…some men expressed their envy.
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In the beginning of the retreat, my traumas and shadows surfaced massively…and i was deep in my child self…not very attractive for woman…but by the end of the retreat, my adult self came out and some woman showed their interest…which is amazing feedback…in the past i pushed myself down with perfectionism and would be bitter (there was no more time left to connect)…but now I see: I am making progress…big progress
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I connected to some medicine facilitators who invited me to come to panama. Also with another woman who gives ayahuasca and other ceremonies for several years connected with me…and we agreed that i can learn from her about the foundational work of shamanism.
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There is a voice in my i side becoming loud that I want to leave my home country to travel. This will give me the drive to confront the situation i have with my parents and get that sorted out.
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I am starting to see how underressourced I am. Especially regarding human contact. It was very beautiful to experience a community where daily hugs are available…and some cuddeling. It was really soothing for my nervous system.
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Having a 10 day break from subliminals was great. Only on the last full day I listened to 15s of primal…and really saw the reccon… I have to really consider my sub usage…maybe my nervous system isnt really ready for them…or maybe the dating/masculinity subs are right now not suited for me. Ill listen to Alchemist St3 very sparingly now and see how I do with that one. And a bit of paragon…the medicine woman really told me to take care of my sleep. And paragon makes my sleep amazing.
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I start to see how these sexual shamanism retreats aren’t the right place to look for sexual contact…i eas recommend to visit a daikini or sex priestress…to work through my sexual traumas…basically a " spiritual sexuality healer"…very very curious!
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I need to slow down again and relax more and take better care of my nervous system.
Lets see how all of this unfolds 
It feels like my need ro connect with people is filled for now…very happy to be in my comfy home…alone…in my peace 
I did really well this week. I am proud of myself for taking such courageous steps and going deep into my shadows…2 days of rest and on the weekend i am with the peruvian shaman again…To meet my big love again…
I collected a massive amount of points this week
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Started today with Alchemist St3
20 seconds. I immediately felt the power in my womb…a fire 
…a big well of energy that i have been cut off from for my whole life…or actually…that i have cut off myself…out of fear…out of a specific fear: the fear to hurt someone. I know this fear for quite some time…i was looking into my childhood to see what happened…where I hurt someone…physically or hit someone…but this was the wrong thing to look for. The big fear that is inside of me is to emotionally hurt other people…not oht of lashing out or something…but simply by being myself, going my own way and not the one others expect to be…and the center of this fear definitely comes from childhood: withdrawal of love when i didnt behave. Withdrawal of love when i tried to set boundaries. But i know now that this is just a pattern of my childhood. A family pattern. The fear of being abandoned when I am myself.
But if this retreat showed me one thing above all else: i can trigger other people and they will still love me. I can engange into interpersonal conflicts without losing the relationship.
And the biggest thing: i will never abandon myself
I feel that fire in my belly now. I feel a sense of fullness in my belly. It feels wonderful and scary at the same time. It comforts me and at the same time it scares me.
Another big learning of this retreat was the understanding of a german rhyme:
Ist der ruf erstmal ruiniert, lebt es sich ganz ungeniert
The translation would be:
Once you are disgraced, you are free to do anything
And it was so wonderful to bring all my trauma, drama and still be loved and in the end when i was living like that, to also get attraction from woman…
I also learned why it is so hard for me to flirt and be sexual with woman:
The big fear of being abandoned, my core wound. For beeing called out as a creep. And that this spreads out and i am being shut out of communinty. Where did I experience that? Well, with my exwife (first girlfriend)…allways when I tried to be sexual and engage sexuality…she was like…uhhhh…again? You are allways so sexual…you only want sex…
Now i know…it was her…not me…she projected her issues with her sexuality, her shame for her sexuality onto me…her inability to let go…her inability to have orgasms…her inability to surrender and give up control…amd hid all that under a mask of beeing a sexy woman…with her sexy outfits…her openly talkin about sexuality…but under it all…she was deeply deeply ashamed of her sexual nature and of her body. She rigidly did sports and kept her diet in check, to have a sexy body…but it was all a mask…i start to see it now.
I projected her behaviour on other woman…but my ex-gf showed me the other way…my sexuality was celebrated. And she surrendered willingly to me to explore hers. It was wonderful.
I want to update my view of woman…that not every woman is so ashamed of herself…not every woman hides her prudishness under a mask of sexuality.
Not every woman will call me out or punish me for beeing sexual…and the ones who do it? Thank you for showing me…this means you are the wrong woman for me!
It was wonderful to see at the retreat…that after 3 or 4 days of letting out all my childhood traumas…crying infront of the group, showing all my shame, opening up about all my shadows and insecurities…i had no shame anymore…i started to make sexual jokes and implications…because after showing all this wounds and issues of me, I though…nah, after all of this, i wont find any woman to connect anymore for sure…no more fear of rejection because no more expectations…
Ohh what a dilemma that is? I really want to get to a point of having no more expectations when spending time with woman…
And then, when i was just joking arohnd sexually…woman liked it…when it was just joking…without any expectation of it actually happening…
Reading that last paragraph……makes me realize what a big progress has been made. It feels like i found the secret of seduction. The missing piece.
I guess the best thing is to continue my spiritual path…channel my sexual energy up and not having it stuck between my legs…not beeing horny anymore…because the horniness is what makes me needy…and the needyness makes me weak.
Wow…its crazy how good just 20 secs of alchemist lets everything flow
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Another very very important learning was a deeper inderstanding of the merging pattern…from the book the five personality patterns…those patterns were also part of the course and i learned that they originally originate from willhelm reich…the founder of energetic spiritual body theraphy.
I had one moment that was deeply triggering…after i was left over in a find your partner for a ritual. I felt liek an outsider…and after beeing abandoned by the group, i felt how i energetically left the container (group energy field). But by doing so…my feeling of myself went from being a child to being an adult. It took some time and processing and then i found that dimension of energy of how much i merge with something energetically. This feels like the biggest breakthrough of all…its very interesting to observe it right now, as i am lying on my couch…something has changed in the realtionship between me and my spurroundings. A sense of seperation is there now. And its again the irony that all this spirituality is about all is one, we are not serparated…and i find peace by seperating myself…
I feel this realization will make a big change in any further relationship that will enable me to keep my boundaries up way better. It will help me not toerge as much with others. It will help me stay myself, while being in contact with others.
So i have been thinking about my goals lately…
And the main thing i want to do is to live in a community of like minded people
I had another theraphy session today…it was intense…about what human needs actually are…this retreat showed me how undernourished I am in my daily life. Not enough human contact with like minded people…not enough touch…
I start to see how deep the rabit hole of my developmental trauma goes…my parents didnt teach me at all how to nourish myself…and i am looking to live in a community with people to learn from them.
This is a long term project.
First step is to sell my house back to my parents…the timeline for this is that is has to be finished in februar…at the latest march…
Then i want to travel…south america would be nice…maybe ill find something there or connect to people…
As the first step i would like to keep the place where i currently live… Beeing away for 3-6 months shouldnt be an issue…
Second loop of Alchemist St3. Today… Again, immediately after listening (35 seconds today) i get connected to a resorvoir of energy in my belly…one that i have only rarely encountered before and only on psychedelics. That what some spiritual traditions call the source of our power. Its amazing.
I guess this is the lifeforce that i have been cut of because of trauma.
My ayahuasca retreat was cancelled…i am actually happy. I need some rest…and i coudlnt decide on what voice to listen…the fear of missing out and the want to experience something exciting…or the need for rest…its very interesting what words i used here…fear…want…need…i should start to put my needs over my fears and desires/wants…
The last 2 days i have been thinking about what I want in life…i guess a manifestation of the “find your purpose” scripting of alchemist…So here is some brainstorming:
- I want to experience the authentic ayahuasca in the jungle with true masters of that art
- I want to have a life with having my needs for touch, cuddeling and emotional connection met
- I want to express my sexuality
- I want to continue studying human design
- I want to feel free and beeing able to move to a different place rapidly
- I want to be able to relax even better than i can now and take good care of my nervous system
- I want to get to a place of better health again (i feel this will happen when my needs are properly nourished)
- I want a network of people that I can count on and who can count on me…some can be International, but some local
Next step is to start to think about how to nourish those desires and find solutions that dont counteract each other…
Listening to lovesong and finding my soulmate is a long term goal…but it will take some freedom of me to travel for long periods of time…learn of ayahuasca for long periods in the jungle…
Still, what i learned my body and nervous system needs sexual partners that i feel safe and comfortable with…one night stands dont give that…
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But what lies under all of that? What is it that I actually want? That I want to achieve with those goals?
I want to experience a sense of comfort withhin myself why? I want to feel home withhin my body. Safe. Calm. Peaceful…i guess thats a basic need?
I guess it comes back to not feeline alone
I want to experience freedom i want to express my curiosity…i want to let my creative curiosity run freely…i want to uncover the mysteries of this what we call life…
Why do i want to have sex? The teacher of the retreat said a line…Everything in life is about sex…but sex…
So what do I want to try to get out of sex? How do I want to feel at and after sex? in those moments I feel comfort…I dont feel alone…i feel seen…i feel accepted…i feel that i can express myself…i feel that i can dominate…i feel that i can surrender…i can feel that i can trust the other…i feel that i am trusted…i feel like an adult man…i feel vulnerable…i am trusted with the vulnerability of someone else…i can simply be…i can experience adventures…i feel loved…i feel nourished…i feel held…i feel peace…i feel that i did something amazing…i feel powerful…i feel alive…
So how to get to that point withhin myself?
Do i feel safe withhin myself? More and more…
Do i feel accepted? More and more…
Do i accept myself? More and more…
Do i feel alone when being alone? Less and less…
Do i experience adventures? More and more…every day is an adventure in my life…
Do i feel vulnerable? More and more…
Do others trust me their vulnerability? More and more…
Can i express myself? More and more…
Do i uncover the mysteries of life? More and more…
Am i able to create my own life to my liking? More and more…
Do i trust myself? More and more…
Do i trust the process of life? More and more…
Do i feel nourished? More and more…
Do i feel loved? More and more…
Do i feel peace? More and more…
Can i surrender? More and more…
Am i able to dominate? More and more…
Do i feel powerful? More and more…
Do i feel alive? More and more…
All of this shows me again…i am going the right direction. I am doing the right things…
Massive amounts of
For the steps taken so far…for my determination of saying yes to life, with all its ups and lows…for my courage to face my shadows…for my healthy doubt of myself…
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So…
On the retreat a guy and i connected and he told me that he sees a lot of his old self in me…and pointed me into the direction of ADHD…another friend recently started ritalin and it helps him so much…
And it ALL makes sense…when i look back at my life…
This rubberband…this internal high tone to my nervous system (that my therapist says will stay my whole life)…allways looking for new stimulus…beeing a very addoctive personality (weed, masturbation, nocotine, sex etc.)…
I dove into the brain science of it in the last days…and it all makes sense…having disconnect to the frontal lobe, that actually represents the adult functioning and beeing able to control your brain…
Recently during my ayahuasca binge I doscovered…on ayahuasca I have control over my brain…my default mode network is slowed down (that is overactive with adhd) and i can control my mind… finally…and it doesnt control me…
How i so easily lose track of my goals…and just my mamalian brain takes over…the brain that is conditioned in childhood…
I start to see it clearly. I start to see how this was the big thing that runs through all my life…that “beining normal” simply takes so fucking much effort. So much effort that brought me to burnout. That creates the rubberband…pushing for a week or two and then birning out…and not having the power anymore to hold myself back with resisting temptations and addictions. Having issues during university…
Gonna talk with my psychiatrist this week…i want to try that medication…i want to have an effortless life…
Whats important now: direct my energy…in the right direction…my biggest goal is to travel the world…and most likely move from the place i live at at some point…why do i put in energy to make this house more beautiful? I start to see how i divert my energy into multiple directions. This needs to stop.
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So its been some days since my last Journal entry.
Working hard right now to bring structure to my life.
Though this time…I dont have that crazy ALL or NOTHING mentality.
I am doing it step by step.
During my retreat, the hotel had a nice pond. With my roommate I went into it every morning after waking up. It was amazing. I took this habit home.
My morning Ritual (for now…small steps…but stable steps) is:
Get out of bed soon after I wake up. Dont think about the day much. Dont get into negative thinking loops. If I cant get out of bed…do some yoga lying. No phone till later. Make the bed. Get into the bath and take a cold shower. This is what was my first goal. And I am doing it since 10 days now. Since 3 days I am adding some morning movements to it. Not with forcing. Just so much as I find fitting. But its most of the time 30-60 minutes.
I researched ADHD quite a bit´. And saw the importance the start of the day has. So after Movement I start to do my online courses. Alberto Villoldo Shamanism Course. Kundalini Bodywork course I have to do to prepare for my course in Thailand in december.
After an hour get breakfast and continue to do courses. Everyday I am doing some “productive” stuff I dont like to do. Paperwork. Planning my Thailand trip.
The afternoons I leave open for freeflow for now.
Evening ritual is:
9PM, get off devices, take a hot bath and get into bed at 10PM.
Got recommended some supplements by a friend that really help my sleep.
Thursday was a bit rough. My human design teacher reschedules (because she is sick) and a date with a woman needed to be rescheduled because she had contact with someone with covid. Created a lot of frustration and I got back into some bad habbits…watching adult animes and jerking off…and staying up late (11PM, but I saw that even that is to loate for me). I am not pushing myself down on it. Today Ill catch myself and do better.
Reducing my sub exposure was a good decision. In a thread about ADHD here @Fractal_Explorer wrote that ADHD brains need way lower sub exposure…and I completely agree…I guess thats the answer why subs hit so strong for me. Should listen to subs only twice a week. Definitley going to continue with Alchemist. Currently considering Adding Emperor Daddy to it. What I read in the the discussion, it may be the Alpha Sub that I have been looking for and that is the most compatible with my Shamanic/Spiritual Path…Wisdom, Leadership, Maturity, Calmness, Centeredness. Some drive and motivation but not that “I need to create an empire” of Emperor or Khan. My body cant take that right now. And also some more seriousness than Primal. How I read the sales page it also has the seduction blueprint of wanted…to attract woman out of this Mature, Calm, Caring energy…This resonates way more deeply with my than any other of the Seductions Blueprints…and feels most in resonance with my inner Shaman.
Very Proud of myself and the shift this last retreat brought into my life. I feel way more grounded and stable. Depression is lifting more and more. Life is becoming more balanced.
Thinking a bit how I want to continue with Alchemist…Id like to get another custom. Customs hit deeper it feels like…part of me would like to start with Alch St4 directly with a custom… lets see…
What I have for Now:
- Alchemist St. 4 Core
- Synergy: Energetic Transcendence
- Synergy: Divine Dominion (would like to test Synergy: 42, but Ill stay with DD for now)
- Synergy: Wisdom of Ages
- Inner Gasoline
- Mystic Osmosis
- Psyche Restoration (to take care of depression)
- Subconcious Flow
- Growth Through Pain (I hope this lets me handle recon and Emotions better)
- Emotions Unfettered
- Inner Voice (I see the results from this module from my previous custom…I want more of it)
- Mosaic
Thinking if I also want to Include these from my previous Custom…may make it quite dense…
- Synergy: Harmonic Confluence
- Synergy: Everpresent
- Synergy: Breath of the Storms
I am also considering MDFY: Freedom…my Intuition tells me that this would help me with that topic where I see immideate results of a sub withhin minutes and then after some hours it stops…and as a means to reduce recon.
If I like Emperor Daddy I may include that aswell…I guess this would make Harmonic Confluece, Breath of the Storm, Emotions Unfettered and Everpresent obsulete…
Lets see what the next weeks bring…I guess Ill run Alch St. 4 first solo for a month before making the custom…and test EmpD.
Next weekend I will have my “debut” as shaman…I will be assisting at a magic mushroom retreat 
This Video helped me out a lot…i thougth all guilt was bad…but there is good guilt aswell O_O
So…Gave EmpD a listen today…something got me and I listened to 5min of EmpD and 3 Mins of Alch St. 3…way longer… I remembered to have read something along the lines that shorter listening times makes it that the sub processes faster and gets online faster…maybe I am simply listening for a to short time…trying this out now…lets see what the next days bring in regards to reccon.
I like the Daddy…Indeed EmbD makes me calm and relaxed…the most important Goal in my life. I feel layed back…did yoga afterwards and it was way calmer than usual. No intense Pranayama…Just layed back and slow breathing. I definitley feel that there is something from Khan Black in the scripting.
During yoga, some conditioned believes regarding Respect got released…I thought that I am only allowed to be respected for financial gains, status or crap like that…achievements basically again… For me its very hard to see my own achievements I achieved during the last 4 years…and most of those are not something “you can buy something of”…
I saw a video regarding the masculinity crisis yesterday…and it feels like this is connected…
From a man its expected to man up…its expected to put in all the work…its expected to work hard…everything less and he is a failure…And I see…I am generalizing… and it points back to:
If I dont put in the hard work, I am a failure…this is not true. This is not a rule I want to have in my life. I work smart. I dont work hard.
So what have I achieved in the last 4 years?
- I learned to listen to my own inner guidance.
- I learned to be present in my body and not be in my head
- I learned to feel emotions
- I learned to make hard decisions, aka. quitting my career, quitting building my house
- I learned a shitton about spirituality, yoga, tantra and shamanism
- I got to the point where I am an assisting plant medicine facilitator
- My food habbits changed completly, I am putting healthy foods into my body
- I quit alcohol and weed completly…I was addicted to both of them…
- I take good care of my home, its tiddied up all the time.
- I know how to take good care of my nervous system
I value myself deeply for all those achievements…but my inner critic…the voice of my parents…tell me: all this is worthless, none of this gives you money, status, etc…BUT THIS IS NOT TRUE… I dont know if this stuff will give me money, status, fame, or whatever in the metric of culture is deemed as acomplishments…
What this gives me is something way deeper. Joy, Love, Inner Peace, Purpose, Contentment…This is what I have aquired in the last 4 years. And I am now brutally honest with myself: Its only for me…Its childish to ask someone outside of myself to praise me for achieving these things…
But I know: Everyone wants those thing in their life…everyone is yearning for it…People around me will start feeling it at a point…and they will want me…
I like those revelations from the EmpD/Alch combination…I like the calmness. I like the maturity.
One thing that is/was missing in my life is a feeling of power…realistically I am not in the place in my life to develop physical strength in the gym…But I know that power is not something that can only be achieved on the pysical realm… I want that deeper, spiritual power…to have words that carry power…energy…When I was at the retreat with spiritual teacher Igor Kufayev, I felt this…his words had power and might…and to get there…i need to find withhin my the source of that power and might…I guess Alchemist St. 3 is the perfect opportunity for that.