A life worth living and dying for - MechaShaman

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#81

Hey @MechaShaman , I hear you. It can be really tough when people don’t live up to their word, especially when you’re trying to build some stability in your life. You deserve that respect.

I wonder, how do you usually respond when you’re put on the back burner like that? Do you speak up for yourself, or do you let it slide? I’ve been working on this too—it’s definitely not easy, but I’ve noticed that being more assertive is giving me a sense of confidence and control that I didn’t expect.

In my opinion, it’s not okay for others to neglect your needs. Your time and plans matter. You deserve that kind of respect and consideration.

It’s exhausting holding yourself to high standards all the time, but remember, you’re also worthy of receiving the same integrity and care that you give to others.

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#82

I suggest to read: Amazon.com: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
It was an eye-opener for me.

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#83

Amazing idea. Cool.

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#84

Tha k you for asking the question how I react…

I behave. I take it. I rationalize their rescheduling. Modt of the times they have good reasons. Things thag come inbetween. And by that i am compromising my own experience. I am repressing my anger and it attacks my body.

Still its hard. I donr have many people in my life. Half a year ago I called a woman out…we were friends, not romantic. I told her that I need more stable relationships, that I need her to answer my messages in a reasonable time and not reschedule. She instantly ghosted me.

I am aftaid that this happens again when I hold people responsible.

I had the scary conclusion that seemingly I am more needy for relationships than most other people that I meet. It happened over the last year several times to meet someone at a retreat or something we connected deeply with our hearts and then…nothing…i try to stay in contact…ghosting…shallow words…

In theraphy i got told to not go down the road of closing down to the outside. Of simply giving up on receiving anything from the outside. Giving up on relying on other people. But this keept me for so long in hope. I guess its kinda time to let go of hope and find and develop the strength inside of me to not rely on anyone anymore.

The irony is, that what i learned about the game between men and woman is…this type of man is the one who is attractive…the one that closed down. The one who doesnt give a shit anymore…

And yet what comes out of womans mouth is that they badmouth these types of men.

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#85

That clearly is unassertive behavior, and it will leave you frustrated, angry and can make you depressive. I appologize, to not write my own, but here is an answer from ChatGPT of the different behaviors you can choose when someone lets you down (assertive, unassertive, passive-aggressive, agressive). It will affect how your relationship will go and how you feel.

1. Unassertive Behavior (Passive):

This is when you don’t express your feelings or needs directly, often leading to internal frustration.

  • Example: “It’s okay, I understand you had something else come up.” (But inside, you’re frustrated because it keeps happening.)
  • Result: You continue to feel disregarded and possibly more resentful over time.

2. Assertive Behavior:

Here, you directly express your thoughts and feelings in a respectful and clear manner, without blaming or being hostile.

  • Example: “I understand that things come up, but this is the third time we’ve had to reschedule, and it’s affecting my plans. I’d appreciate it if we could stick to the agreed time, or find a more reliable alternative that works for both of us.”
  • Result: You stand up for your needs while still considering the other person’s situation, promoting mutual respect.

3. Passive-Aggressive Behavior:

You express your frustration indirectly or subtly, rather than addressing it openly.

  • Example: “Oh, sure, no problem, I didn’t have anything important to do anyway.” (Said in a sarcastic tone or with visible frustration.)
  • Result: The other person may sense your frustration but not understand the real issue, leading to tension without resolution.

4. Aggressive Behavior:

Here, you might express your feelings in a way that disregards the other person’s perspective, potentially causing conflict.

  • Example: “You always cancel on me! You clearly don’t care about my time or respect me at all!”
  • Result: This can escalate the situation, creating more conflict or resentment.

The assertive approach helps you respect both your boundaries and those of others. Would you like to brainstorm how to phrase certain responses in your specific situation?

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#86

I hear you, so much.

I resonate with every word that you spoke. I can feel your words as if they were leaving my mouth. That’s the amount of similarities I can feel with your story.

I want to tell you, it’s okay. MechaShaman, you will be alright. Infact, you will grow into a man that you’ll be so proud of.

You’ve taken the first steps through realisations, I want to appreciate you. Good job man!

You will be out of this and running towards your ideal life, ideal self and the one you’d be so proud of growing into, soon.

Utilise the subs here and take whatever action you can towards your goals.

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#87

Thank you for sharing brother and for believing in me!
I am sure that i am deep in the process right now. So deep that i know the only way is through.

Its very welcome to have someone from the outside telling me, that I am on the right way through all the Bullshit…while i dive myeelf through it, i cannot see the end :metal:

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#88

This day was intense.
After spending half of the day in melancholy, at one point a cut the corner and saw that its time to step up my masculinty. That its time to get strong and get out of my confort zone on a physical level. I was allready going good out of my confort zone on a mental level, but I yielded to not moving my ass.

Its time to change that

With my ayahuasca Battering ram approach(© by @Sub.Zero ) i am making hige progress right now.
At todays ceremony, I tried something new (dont try this at home), i listened to a sub while on ayahuasca…this days process pointed me kn the direction lf the one and only Khan :smirk_cat::smiling_imp:

I know that I have been changing subs on a very quick schedule…the only subs I can properly keep doing is when I commit to a multistager.
I feel though that even listening to a sub once gives me massive amounts of inner progress…
But again…at the cost of not integrating it peoperly into physical reality.

So lets see what Alchemist and Khan will fabricate.

Listening to Total Breakdown on ayahuasca was interesting. Withhin seconds i felt the subliminal penetrate very very deep into me…down to my soul i would describe it. I guess thats what the ZeroPoint is…from there it activated massive amounts of creative energy and unfolded a beautiful process…

I understood that the world is divided in winners and loosers…and that nearly all the people in my life are loosers…people who see issues and not work through them. People who dont let go. People who try to prove their worth all the time. People who never know when enough is enough. People who try to solve problems that dont matter. People who try to find mental security…simply said people who dont follow their inner guidance

So its time to move my body. This ayahuasca approach helps me massively with my body. Better than what regular medicine has brought me. In the last week i started to do cardio with my VR glasses again. I have been increasing training time daily :heavy_plus_sign::heavy_plus_sign::heavy_plus_sign:

I saw that in the last weeks i used my body not enough, its time to get moving again. Khan will for sure help with that.

Also i tried Chat GPT for the first time today…its ridiculously amazing…i had so much resistance with using it.

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#89

I woke up and I remember I wanna get disciplined…if you wanna get discipline get up NOW, even though you prefer to stay there…

Went on the scale again since 2 weeks. Amazing progress due to my current Ayahuasca approach…as i work so intensivly with the plantsy its the first time that I follow the propper diet…in the morning just a jogurt with some seeds in the afternoon steamed chicken with rice and broccoli. I lost 3kg of weight and 2% bodyfat in the last 10 days.

My weight is where I want it (69Kg with 170), but my bodyfat is not there (17%).
Not an expert with bodybuilding, but i guess the first step will be to lean in some more with cardio and i will only be able to gain muscles when I eat properly again. I will take extra care ro not put strains on my body with tgis reduced diet and doing more sports now.

#90

Right now, I would describe my shape asNot great, but not the worst…a good foundation

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#91

Your legs look strong :leg: :muscle:

Be careful not to eat too little, especially if you want to build muscle. Normally, the formula is: caloric surplus = muscle plus (only applies if you also do weight training). Above all, you must not eat too little protein.

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#92

Thank you :metal: the irony is that my legs have the least power of my body since that long covid infection…but it gets better and better.

For now id like to loose some fat first, get lean and then start building there. Especially as i go to that sexual shamanism retreat in a week, get in my best form…as the goal for that retreat is to get laid.
But there i will it properly again…so just one more week of eating light. My body actually feels very very good right now.

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#93

Wish you all the best for that. It should work fine with your current body. Just embrace it.

#94

I love AI

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#95

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Yesterday’s ayahuasca ceremony with listening to Khan created a deep shift in my being. Today I rested a lot and played around with AI and did Sports as I said I would. Now in the evening keep calm has entered my being and my voice has lowered by around one or two octaves and I feel like a man. I was so searching for that feeling inside of me not to have the chitteriness of a teenager. But to find the calm grounded masculinity inside of me.

I tidyied up today and did repair work at my house. But it was very interesting to see that seemingly the khan archetype is not so much about productivity. I didn’t feel compelled to continue with my online courses. It’s more about getting my life in order, reducing.

In the calm state I actually feel like myself. I don’t write these words but just dictate them and let the voice to text put down these words. And it feels as if those words come directly from my being rather than being processed by my mind. It feels like I have found myself. It feels as in this state that, i woulsnt have any issue connecting with a woman, i would know the right words.

I’ll take rest today from drinking ayahuasca. Take a nice warm bath. Play the guitar and finish the day with some yoga.

It feels like a goal has been reached.

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#96

Total Breakdown again…:sweat_smile:
Bringig up so much Anger, Anger that my life is so sluggish. I want to make fast changes. I know what I want to change…but it requires working with outside forces beyond my control…and the big question is? Do I need to get more patient? Or do I need to increase the pressure? We all know what the route of the Khan is…

Angry again about my health state…the big thing that is beyond my control. I feel like a lion trapped in a cage.
Angry with my parents…I inherited a house, I want to get rid of it since two years and use the money in a different way…we talked about them taking it and giving me the money but it takes so much time and unless I continue to pressure, nothing happens. Why am I not taken seriously?

I am so looking forward when this topic with my parents is solved. I allready told myself that this has to be taken care of at the latest in jannuary, when I come back from my thailand journey.

I fucking hate not to be in control of my life. To have others block me.
I guess the truth is allways somewhere in the middle…
So use the Anger to become stronger, create the internal masculine core and stay true to my timeplan and my lifes plan.
While still keep being stoic and somewhat compassionate…I guess I am in a stage of social callibration again…and transforming my life to be more controlable by my.

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#97

Had a full day,
Theraphy, getting a fresh STD test (being able to say Im clean is sexy AF) and a human design meet and talk. And…ayahuasca…i cant let my fingers of her.
Shes my love…,
Shes my muse…,
Shes the greatest thing I have encountered…
She the physical manofestation of the divine femine…

I cant let go of you,
I cant let my fingers of you,
I want more of you,
Take me,
I want us to merge,
I want to loose myself in you,
I want to devour you,
I want to have sex with you

shes with what all orher woman have to compete with :sweat_smile:

You may have recognized that I am deeply spiritual. Part of my spirituality is praying to the divine feminine…the Shakti, the Kundalini, Lalita Tripura Sundari
But all this praying has only one Goal:
That you come down from the heavens and appear in physical reality
I wanna be the best version of myself and invoke that divine, pure feminine in the woman I am with.
This is the most important goal in my life.my life revolves around this. And I am proud of it

In the last days, a lot of flirting ideas came into my mind. I am not there yet to do this without preparation and practice. During axahuasca ceremonys I make role plays and practice what to say…

Nice ideas came ro my mind…like before knowing the name of a lady, to play a guessing game. I am uncovering my cocky and funny side

Also a lot of plans were made for the retreat. At rhe last retreat I learned a really nice way to cope with my adhd brain…just have a woman next to me to contain her. In this way i can channel all that energy runnig through my body without it creating anxiety.

The goals for the retreat have risen…
I wanna be the bigges cassnova there
I wanna be to much
I want to cross some (unspoken) boundaries and get called out for it (like escalating to fast)
I want to calibrate and I allow myself to go over the top…not that old programm of better be safe than sorry

And…

I wanna be initiated into a reality where sex is possible without any strings attached
This came to me when processing the pain of my exes weaponizing sex or using sex to get security.

And…Ill just ask for that in the group. Play with open cards.be my true self. Where this is my need, my wish. Ill be open to the possibility of not beeing chosen. But i dont believe this will happen.

At the last retreat a friend (who coaches me a bit regarding masculinity) told me: You could asky any woman here to do a BDSM scene with you and all would say yes. This is the image that this masculine guy has of me. Its really time to update my beliefs about myself.

I know that getting to my goals will push me out of the comfort zone. I dont expect anymore to be perfect instantly. I expect to stumble and fall. I am gonna stand up, shake it off and try again. Each failure is learning how not to do it.

I will feel fear while steering conversations in a sexual way. I am ready for it. And i will do it anyhow.

Thank you ayahuasca Grande Medicina

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#98

Today my core eound appears again…
A feeling of beeing inherently faulty

A feeling that something is inherently screwed and “damged” in me

That I am damaged good

I know its just a feeling. I know this not the truth…and at the same time…I am a human beeing human beeings are faulty…we are a copy of god on the one hand…perfect…and also inperfect…

I am perfectly imperfect

And so is any other human beeing that I encounter. Any man, any guru, any woman…

That dream i have…to meet the goddes…to finally find her…

Is just a dream…

A childisch wish…

Meeting the one with which is all good…

And no more issues arise…

Is just a dream…

A dream i allow myself to dream…

#99

Ohh what a synchronicity…

After this core wound came up again…believing i am faulty for beeing different than everyone else…
Today I learned some more with my human design teacher…and the single most influential part of my design say the following: i am a creative role model, i am here to bring newness, i am here be unique, i am here to be different than everyone else, i am here to bring things that haven’t been here before

So long in punished myself for beeing different…
Its to time to claim my uniquness and let it bloom!

The retreat I am going to is called black butterfly…its a journey to go into a cocoon as a caterpillar :bug: and reemerge as a butterfly :butterfly:…why a butter fly? Because butterflys spend all their lives drinking nectar and having sex :sweat_smile:

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#100

Today my human design teacher proposed that we could work together and give workshops and courses together…

Its amazing how my “new career” starts to unfold…all simply coming to me

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