A life worth living and dying for - MechaShaman

[MechaShaman]

So I did an experiment today…i had ayahuasca on the evening after i was at a prostitute.
I wanted to find out if I absorbed any “bad energies” from her…from the other men that she services…
And the answer is no!

There was a story running in my mind…dating back to my youth with the born again christians…they said with sex you exchamge energy and a part of your soul. And its possible to lose yourself when having to many partners…all BULLSHIT!

This answers a very important topic for me…i believed that i needed to have partner all for myself not sharing her, because of the energies I would absorb if she has sex with someone else…but I learned today that this is no issue!

All this spiritual bullshit about monogamy……all those rules…

Massive amount of today for my courage to make that experiment

[MechaShaman]

Getting a lot more into my own flow in the last days.

@JAnon your advice hit deep…i had been trying to DO way to much. Also seeing how this influenced me working with subliminals. I had been conciously trying TO MUCH to force action, rather than trusting in zero point and NSE that everything unfolds naturally.

Learning to relax way more and how to occupy my mind. I had been trying way ro hard to force myself to relax without anything external. But putting on a youtube singing bowl video, stimulates my mind enough so that the rest of my system can relax…i recognized this also before that i can actually deeply relax during driving my car…my mind needs a baseline of stimulation. I was trying so hard to be a yogi…sitting in silence, forcing myself into this external image i thought i would have to fit in…

For the next loop, my stack will be Alchemist St2, Wanted Black and Primal

In two weeks my next sexual shamanism retreat will happen. Gonne be prepared for that one. Allready curious for how more outgoing and secure I will be then. I am sure that I am going to suprise myself

[MechaShaman]

First listening to Primal today and afterward playing the spirtsgame supernatural on VR as a morning workout…
I immideatly saw how performance has been the foremost metric of success in my life. Not fun or fullfillment. I had been pushing myself to perform so much. Not anymore.

[MechaShaman]

Primal is sick AF

Out for a walk. My default relationship with people around me has changed. No social anxiety, not seeing myeelf as a child anymore and everyone else as an adult. I only see it now that it changed. Saw a beautiful woman and thought “i could go talk to her”…without resistance…

A lot of people just look like retards…i never allowed myself to put such labels on other people…“because i am spiritual”…my inner conversation changed…the inner critic says something…another voice says back fuck you mom…i realize that i never pushed against…i never fought…(Or barely ever)… Only yielded or ran away…fuck you mom, fuck you dad…i wont let you reign my life anymore…

One deep truth ran thru my head: I am the boss of my reality…I allways tried to find someone else to reign me.

This is an amazing sub

[MechaShaman]

Another round of Ayahuasca yesterday…

I realized how I treated my inner child…I expected it to grow up…i put all the pressure on my inner child to become an adult…so much pressure for a child…i repeated what my parents did to me…

Realizing this was a HUGE relieve…and once that child cpuld relax, i got in contact with that actual adult part of myself…it was here all the time and took care of me…this adult though again was way to strict…again, repeating my own parents faults…and this adult had a stick in his ass…typical austrian/german

This feels like a massive breakthrough!
Also since some days I am more and more getting into breaking rules…a week ago I saw a video from a dating coach, talking about the rules of the “game”…
He said:

1. you learn to play by the rules
2. you learn to break the rules
3. you write your own rules

I feel this applies to all rules in life…be it spiritual, cultural, the law, whatever…i started to see that playing by the rules is like playing the tutorial of a video game. You cant use all the actions, have maybe only a part of the map, only a limited set of skills…and only after you get to the full open world experience.

I am starting to question and recognize a lot of areas where i opose rules on myself…as my ayahuasca journeys are allways a pivotal playground in a heightened state of conciousness, its a great place to reflect…and i started to see how many rules i put there on myself…“what I am allowed to do on ayahuasca and what not”. On ayahuasca you listen to ayahuasca music, on ayahuasca you do serious inner work and dont just jerk around because im supposed to treat it as “the holy medicine”…

So i started to do different stuff…listening to psytrance and dancing, taking my time and putting body lotion on my body, started using my phone (i never allowed this, as “you are supposed to go internally for healing”)…and especially the last one was so super healing.

In one of the ceremonys during last week, i saw how unhealthy regular silent meditation is for me…with my very active, fast mind…when I dont give my mind anything to do, it starts to poke at all my internal wounds, bodily pains and pokes and pokes and pokes…not good, this stuff needs simply rest to heal.

Yesterday i learned through that alberto villoldo course another very very important thing…i had a big missunderstanding on how to basically “raise a child” or actually raise and treat myself…i allways worked with the means of punishment. When i did something “bad” like, watching youtube, i punished myself…i thought if i get rid of the “bad behaviours”, i would by myself start to do the “good stuff”…ohh how wrong i was and how i again replayed how my parents raised me…

As i see it now, i let the “bad” things be, just let the behaviours play out…and what I do, is nourish the qualities in my life that i want to have more of…again, this goes deeper in the topic from some days ago with the and button…i simply igore the button when i do something i dont want to do anymore…and when i do stuff that i want to have more of…i fucking hammer on the button

This came again with an amazing video by Dr. K on youtube regarding Dysthymia. Dysthymia (high functioning depression), basically means that someone only derives pleasure from the outside. Because he doesnt experience internal pleasure when he does the right thing…in childhood these were the parents…but later this could switch to rules, religious codes of behavour, societal values etc…
And this completely correlates with my learning about the button.

I am very proud of myself. I start to nourish me in the way I need it. I start to do what I want without shame. And the results of it are glorious.

And i start to find that part in myself that takes so great pleasure in nourishing myself. As I dropped all the shame for going for what I actually want.

Other than that, beautiful things are happening. In not even two weeks the next sexual shamanism retreat is starting. Its in my country again and I again take a beautiful woman on the car ride there…starting to flirt a bit over messages…flirting is somethinf very new to me…i am getting there

Got connected to another woman through friends, only had a phonecall with her yet, but we are gonna meet after my retreats…so Woman coming to my life. Finally. All the work starts to create harvest. I am proud of myself

Also starting to see my positive aspects, as i dont touch the button anymore and found the button…

I am extremely couragous…I mean…how many people take ayahuasca, some say the roughest, most serious plant medicine, multiple times a week, and sits in a completley dark and quite room to see into his shadow and befriend it? I never allowed myself to see that…as i was only pressing the button for “taking drugs”…and i couldnt see the positives because of the shame i put onmyself.

I am starting to accept that due to me developing unhealthy thinking patterns in my childhood and sticking to them for 34 years, my brain is not in balance hormonally yet…and this needs this thourough approach with Ayahuasca…for now…its time to bring my bain into a highly neurodivergent state and keep it there until the new neural pathways are set in it and the old ones are deleted. No shame anymore for needed what I deem what I need. No shame anymore for me taking responsibility of my own health and mental health. No shame anymore for me nohrishing me how I want to be nourished. No shame anymore for me beeing how I am

[MechaShaman]

The level of change I am going through in the last week can be only described as astonishing.

This intense Ayahuasca approach i am currently taking is bringing massive fruits. While still staying grounded in my body and not drifting off into spiritual worlds. I dont know what happened, but emotional energy simply flows and my body doesnt tense up all the time any “hard emotion” comes up. I guess that the rigid personality pattern is staring to life…as i let go of all rules and if i encounter any rule i impose on myself, i simply rebel against it and see what happens when I break it.

Yesterday had anoter ceremony. I learned how to manipulate the energy around me. The “Quality” of space that is filled with matter. I guess this is coming from alchemist. I start to understand and sense the concept of aura. Reading primal seduction also makes a whole different sense now with creating that reality bubble.

As I do a lot of ayahuasca these days, i decided to be way way more careful with my subliminal usage. Listened to 10s loops today. I instantly can recognize how the subliminals are processed in my brain, how they are changing me.
But to be totally honest: i can finally use my mind how i want to use it. I am no longer the servant of it. It doesnt control me anymore. It feels like its the first time in my life where i am actually a human beeing who can control ones mind and isnt slave to it and by that a slave to my past…i dont want to live differently anymore. I have finally tamed that supercomputer

[MechaShaman]

Another deep realization:

All my life, one of the rules was: you dont run away from problems.
Ohh man…my mind was trained to dive into issues till they were gone. Till dome issue was completly 100% solved…until then, i didnt let it go…

This created two problems, first, I got stuck in problems that didnt matter to me. That didnt matter for my goals. I wasted so much time. I tried so hard to prove my worth by solving all the issues that didnt matter to me…and by that comes the second issue: i didnt have the energy left to tackle the real issues that counted for my goals.

So the new rule is: run away from problems that dont matter to you, dont waste your previous time of life!

Yesterdays ayahuasca trip showed me my parents in a different light…i saw how many of their behaviours that i thought were adult behaviours were deeply childlike behaviours. Before that I saw how many bofmy ways of dealing with problems in my life were so ridiculously childish.

I also had realizations regarding my selfworth in the last days, especially regarding dating. I thought that i have to prove my worth, with my skills, my knowledge, my openeness, my looks,nmy vulnerability etc. but this is so wrong. Any woman needs to earn her right to see the true me. The completely authentic me. Where I let my guards down. She needs to show that she is trustworthy. I dont want to give away all my beauty and wisdom for free, trying to buys myself into her heart. The amount of effort, work and sweat I have put in bevoming the man I am now is not graspable for most people. I have imvested now 4 years of my life in changing myself. Slowling becoming a man. This is now not something to give away freely.

Because of that I start to see why smalltalk is important. As a barrier, as a test. Spend some time with someone on the sureface level and observe the other person. How does she react to me. Does she like my way of humor? How does she react when I push her. Is she emotional stable? Or does she become unregulated. How does she react when i pull her? Can i pull her in, in my natural way? I start to see how important the game of sediction is…but for the first time, i see it not as somethig I have to learn to bed a woman…i start to see how it is necessary to bed the RIGHT woman. To not hurt myself. To protect myself from the intrigues of interpersonal shadows. To not be abused anymore. To not create new problems in my life.

Its to to get to know my unique way of seduction.

Also one of the things i used to do, is spend so much time to look atmyself from the outside. To view myself through the lens of the other. I thoight that this is how you socially calibrate…Bullshit…i can onyl socially calibrate by trying it out.
I dont want to waste anymore time looking at myself through the lens of someone else’s reality. I want to spend all my emergy for my reality! I dont care for anyone elses reality anymore. I have mine, and someone can be inside…or not.

As i am writing this, i start to see that this is most likely what shamans call energetic cords and parasites. By thinking how someone else perceives me, i give away my life force to them. I yield to their reality and give away the power to reign and sculpt my own reality.

All my human design courses are helping me masively currently. I spent so much time just learning about my design…but by now learning about what i am not, i can let go of these things. I see how i let my best friends energetic structure influence me…to prove my worth to him.

Its a crazy and amazing time. I am so proud of myself. I bow to myself, to the man i have become and the progress i am making wothout overpushing myself.

Also I start to see how improtant this journal here is. How effective it is to write everything out. This is a way easier way to express emotions than to do emotional release exercises somitacally.

[MechaShaman]

I recognized how in the past there was a part inside of me that put the value system of my parents over everything I did, over all my desires, over all i experienced. And this created a lot of internal stress as there was a part that judged everythig I did.
I was also so judgemental in the past…of everyone. I felt so bad and shameful for all that judging.

It feels like a complete wail is removed from me.

Learning from human design that I am designed to be a rebel. Someone who goes new ways that never have been gone before…i judged all of this thrue the value system of my parents.

I also realized somethig more about seduction and woman: as I step i to the power of owning and reogning over my reality and creating it to be my personal heaven on earth…its about woman basically having to propose and qualify for a chance to come for a visit, ride and adventure in my reality.

I also projected this value system from my parents (drugs liek ayahuasca are bad, spirituality is useless, personality development is something noone does) onto all woman and thought I was a looser. While in reality I am a man who dives in wisdom, has integrity and values. What I experienced in my last relationship and retreat, I am a hell of a lover and I can provide the most amazing adventures ever.

The time has come to update my own selfimage.
Yesterday on ayahuasca i expressed the wish to forget myself. To forget that image i had of myself for such a long time. Its crazy how fast some wishes can spring into reality…Ayahuasca is indeed a magoc potion…i understnand more and more why I cant let go of it

Also I recognize in a lot of situations that I have positive internal self talk. The good ol
It took some months of running my custom, but it comes out now beautifully.
Lets see if I start running it again or if I am finished with it.

[MechaShaman]

Saturday was again Kambo Day
Its astonishing. I dont know why, and i dont care…but all of these things that used to be hassle and pushing me out of my comfort zone like ayahuasca or Kambo are becoming so peaceful and joyous.

I guess this comes because I am getting out of negativity.
During the kambo session i understood more about the concept of aura, and how to transmute emotional energy and use it to create my aura. So not use emotional energy to shout or stomp the floor…not express the emotional energy on the physical plane but rather on an energetic plane of existance.

I love the alchemist journey. It brings me to such an amazing reality!

[MechaShaman]

https://youtube.com/shorts/UC7EXK4uKwA?si=BCgd2WUtQOlHgsnD

This short just blew my mind…i thought, i dont have this, I could go full on screamin in that situation.

But then it came for me…where are other unspoken rules that bind me? What is it that keeps me from beeing a highly sexual attractive man? Do woman want me to be a sexual attractive, masculine man with self worth and self esteem? YES
Does everyone of my friends would want me to be that? YES
But there are still those inner projections of the parents/society/whatever…the rules that say: beeing a highly attractive man, that woman chase is shameful, beeing sexually redeemed and getting any woman you want is shameful, its something to not be proud of

Wow! I am grateful for uncovering that limiting believe…when i dig deeper, fears come up…fear what other man think about me…envying me…i had been envious of all the other man that were successful and chased after for all my life.

I admit that I was afraid of their envy. I admit that I stopped myself from beeing exeptional out of fear of the haters. I dont want to let that stop me anymore
I allow people to hate on me
I want that people hate on me because they cant take it that I am better than them and me beeing me shows them their shortcomings

I want to be so bold and cocky to split the room

I let go of the wish that everyone has to like me
The last thing was something a woman said to me in December at a retreat…that she sensed that I wanted that everyone likes me…
Fuck…only now I start to see what the price is to be liked by everyone…

[MechaShaman]

Had a phonecall with my buddy…

He pointed out where this limitation came from…where I was stuck in my past:

It was highschool time, when i started to become attracted to girls. I was the smartest kid in class…not because i learned a lot…i simply was the smartest and school was super eazy for me. I was hated and mobbed by most of the other kids. I was made fun of. Even by some teachers.

Back then i learned not to show my exeptionality.
Instead of going to military service I did my social service as paramedic with 18. There the hate continued and by one guy i was actually physically bullied. Back then it was the first time where i got in contact with “working class people”…before i was in a private school. It was hell…i was made fun of by most of the guys there. And i coudlnt fight for myself. I never learned to fight for myself because even as a 5 year old child, when my 3 year old brother bullied me…my parents didnt allow me to fight back…they thought me: intelligent people stand above these things, words cant hurt you…they made me the perfect target for abusers.
This is what started my shutting down all my emotions. All my hurt. When my brother mobbed me and called me crybaby over and over again and they didnt stop him. And when i cried, was hurt becaue of it, they told me words cant hurt you…so i shut down all the hurt buried it deep withhin and started to keep everything repressed with eating to much and later numbing myself with tv, videogames and reading for hours…isolating myself.

@JAnon spoke about that image of a rubberband some time ago…
I start to see it. I start to see how i was trying to escape mediocrity so hard…but those other part of me…that wanted to protect me…kept pulling me back…it was saying: beeing exeptional and better than others is dangerous, and makes you an outsider

The adult me doesnt care anymore if I am an outsider. The adult me knows that even most may hate me, but there will be the some right people that love me.

Learning all this brought a deep release in the center of my beeing. It feels like something very deep relaxed…that part that pulled me back again and again and kept me stuck…

Its time to spread the wings and fly now…

…as the chain around my foot is gone!

[Xandra]

Was passing by here). Admirable progress and insights.
Wanted to drop something here for long covid and fatigue for you, as myself had big bad fatigue almost my entire life, which got worse after covid. Didn’t even remembered what was normal energy charge before harvesting benefits of the practices: buteyko breathwork, keto(ketovore diet), dry fasting. Hope that might help. Best wishes on your journey

[MechaShaman]

Thank you
Yes breathwork helps me a lotm thank you for the reminder.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCBAgqBC3xY
Found this video by chance (aka. the NSE)…I understood how all this social anxiety helped me. It helped me in the regards of pushin down my specialness…how has this helped me? Because my goal was to FIT in. My Goal was to be homgenized. My goal was to be like everyone else.

Not anymore. My new goal will be to NOT FIT IN…lets see where this new paradigm will lead me to

[MechaShaman]

Sooo…another round of ayahuasca.

This time i wanted to dove into my shadows and get in contact with my humourous part. I tried so hard to become funny by trying…but i havent looked inside. I didnt trust that it would be there. My whole life I was so serious. Just as my parents…only serious business…no fun. No eaze.

So as i want to learn the art of seduction and flirting, i let my mind wander in that direction aswell…and i had some amazing ideas.

Also i am starting to see how big that counter is. Not the number, but the fact that i found this button in my brain. For now, i have to put in some effort to push it and cant keep it on auto on. But this will change. As soon as i press this button, my whole system relaxes. A feeling of everything is alright goes through my whole being.
I was running for outside validation all the time…but now i found how to actually get the validation from the one person that actually counts.

And some more for the courage I am taking, for now finally listening to myself and not giving a fuck about anyone else

[MechaShaman]

So…around a month ago I talked with my theraphist about what I am up to do:
To create my own “university curriculum” for me
To gather new Knowledge for my “new carreer”…all based on what is deeply resonating with me and bringing myself joy.

So what is that that I am studying now?

• Human design, doing a course about variable, doing the first steps of the professional training with my 1on1 teacher, having coaching with a high end HD coach and having a course with him
• A course about medical astrology
• I give myself weekly Kambo learning from the spirit myself, after getting it 7 times in the last 2 years and getting an initiation by my facilitator
• Ayahuasca as often as I find necessary and useful. During the ceremonys a lot of what I learn in the other courses gets integrated and I deepen my understanding of it
• Subliminals Running Alchemist St2 and Primal mostly in the last week. The journey with Alchemist is simply amazing for me. My energy system gets completly reworked. My ability to work with emotional energy gets better and better. Primal has a deep impact on me aswell, regarding letting go of all rules. Wanted Black also has a deep impact still. Its all about being myself now. I am currently doing all the inner work with Ayahuasca, and the next Sexual Shamanism Retreat will bring the opportunity for integration of those inner changes
• The Alberto Villoldo Shamanism Course Divine Quest started a beuatiful journey into the depths of shamanism, Archetypes and also gave me a way better understanding of how the brain works. I learned about the Reptilian and Mamalian Brain and the Cortex/NeoCortex and how important it is to surpase the lower Brains to become the creator of my reality and not live in the past or in my Karma. It helped a lot to get in contact with some Archetypes and integrate them into my beeing…like the pure loving nurturing mother.

Other than that I am now really learning how to properly nourish myself and give myself what I want and need. My fatigue starts to lift and I am doing some daily movement practises again. Supernatural with my VR glasses and Dancing mostly. A bit yoga. Id like to do some more, but I honour the boundaries of my body that it give me currently. But I also accept that I am a very intellectual man and that feeding my Brain is super important for me.

The yoga/tantra master I worked with for a year was in hindsight a complete disaster. Nearly everything he told me I am throwing away currently and I realize that with a lot of things my truth is the complete opposite now. I was projecting this “enlightened Indian Mystic” who knows it all onto him. It is time to let him go completly. I got to a point where I know it better whats good for me.

So I am very very happy with the changes that occoured in the last months. And proud of myself…if my journey goes on like this (and it will), I cannot even imagine (yet) where I will be in a month of time.

Things I would like to invite into my life, that may come at their perfect timing, when I am ready for it:

• Deeper bodily relaxation so I develop that deep masculine voice and speak slower…less words but wiser words
• Integrating flirting and having fun with woman, I want to get to a point where touching woman even in a friendly setting is normal, I want to have a fun attitude when spending time with other people. Not allways talking about serious stuff. Have fun and celebrate life.

[MechaShaman]

A big change has happened during the last week regarding how I handle negative thoughts. in the past I punished myself for having negative thoughts. But now, I praise myself for recognizing the negativity spiral beginning. No more pressing the , only pressing the

[MechaShaman]

Another revelation I had today…which corresponds with my wish of becoming more relaxed and calm:

I dont need this sense of urgency anymore
I had this sense of urgency all my life…that I need to get what I want ASAP…i guess it comes from FOMO…

But as I do what I actually want to do and do t give any fuck about anything else anymore…I start to see that I am sctually putting action in the directio of all my goals…all this other stuff I stressed about…allthis stuff I thought I neeeded to achieve or become…came just out of a believe that i needed to fit in and prove my worth…to my family, my friends, society, the collective.

Through my human design journey I learned that that is not why i am here. I am deeply connected to individuality. My phrpose is to go a new path…my path

And regarding that semse of urgency: I am and I have been putting so amazing much action in the last 4 years…to much for my body to take. I can slow down…my goals only goals that remain are actually uncovering my sexual nature and create a life where this can be lived and diving deeper Into spirituality. Wealth? I have it…atleast more than enough for now, everything that adds on is a bonus.

I am just 34. For my spiritual goals I have 50 more years to follow along that path…when I look back gow much growth occoured even in the last year, there is a massive journey still in front of me…and my growth becomes faster and faster…

And regarding Sexuality and having sexual abu dance once in my life…well, i have 5-6 more years to experience that…and then settle down with one to choose of I want to have a child.

So its time for more chill, more ease and nore relaxation now…giving myself more space, not allways pushing me into the next process, not allways go conquer the next fear after one battle is fought. A soldier cannot go from battle to battle …he needs some rest inbetween…so wounds can mend, bruises can heal and fun can be had.

Also, I am proud of myself for taking this journal here so serious and using it so much. It is helping me massivley and I suprose myself again and again with my wisdom and writing skills. In school i was really bad at writing. Hell, even when working as a scientist i sucked and hated it. Not anymore, amazing growth has happened

One of my courses, the one about medical astrology, showed me that I naturally have this tendency of allways lookong forward…and that it is so super important to learn to look back and reflect.
Its astonishing how this western approach of the same thing is gold for everyone is deeply flawed. And this knowledge really helps to find out in what sreas of my life I can nourish myself better

[MechaShaman]

i am afraid of sex and at the same time i desperately need it

Sex is super scary for me. While I learned to nourish myself and count on myself…sex needs another person. And then I am at the mercy of the other person…atleast this is how the sex life was with my exwife. She weaponized sex…if i didnt behave as she wanted me to, she withheld sex.

The same with my ex girlfriend…often after sex, when I was in this vulnerable position, she tried to escalte the relationship to a deeper level that I openly communicated that I didnt want that…actually in those moments i should have kicked her out of my bed immediately.

I am aftaid of sex because I am afraid of the covert contract happening. I am afraid about making myself vulnerable and being depended on another person to fullfill one of my needs.

I am so sick of woman who weaponize sex. Who want to use sex as a means of getting something.

Beeing with hookers is actually such a relieve. Because there I can be sure that no hidden agenda is placed. Sadly I am not really relaxed with them and cant really enjoy the sex, as my body is tensing and i have to put a lot of effort not to cum super fast.

With my exgf it was differently. I could relax super well, i trusted her. Still…she tried to seduce me into a relationship using sex.

Whats coming up next inside of me is:
Isnt having sex with me enough? Why do I need to pay for sex? (Be it money or some other form of energy, putting in seductiove enegy etc.). I feel like I should be the price.

I want to live in a reality where woman come to me to have sex with me…i dont wanna play that seduction game out of neediness anymore.

Also, another point where I am deepy afraid of sex: the addiction potential of sex…i am a very addictive personality…or to put it into different words: when i find something i really like, i want more of it. Just like ayahuasca, like weed, like nicotine, like youtube has been, like playing video games has been…but the thing is: all those things canbe boughr for money and i can have a stash of it for a year. Sex on the other hand…i am at the mercy of another person.

And again, i did put the woman above me. I wrote I am ather mercy…why is not she at my mercy? My ex gf was definitely at my mercy…she was super addicted to me. More than I was addicted to her. My only issue back then was not beeing true to myself…not just going for other woman like i said. I feared losing her, i didnt want to hurt her. But by that i hurt myself so much. So much. I knew back then that i need to date/see different woman at the same time, to not fall for one. If i just see one, i am gonna get attached and this is what happened.

Its time for me to become more true to my words and have confruence in my actions.

[MechaShaman]

I am so fucking sick of people who dont value my boundaries. Like my ex gf…i told her what my boundaries are and she kept pushing me…

Like my parents, i tell them what i want to do and not and they keep trying to pull me in again.

My dad thought me that a man has to do the things he doesnt want to do…fuck this shit…i am choosing a manhood where a man only does what he wants to do.

I again fell into my patterns of starting to give more than I wanted. I again game away my power. I again didnt take co trol of my life… For what? To save my parents from their own ego…by not beeing myself i am taking there karma away…i rob them lf their lessons…

[MechaShaman]

I am actually super scared of falling in love and loving other people. In the past this made me allways undermine my own boundaries. I havent intefrated it yet enough to love someone and be in contact with someone while still keeping my integrity.

I cant let go of woman I liked, its as if they haunt me and tell me “you cant have me, nanana”. There is a part of my that wants to deeply fall in love…but I am so afraid of it because in the past I got manipulated as soon as I fell in love…i couldnt hold my integrity. I guess i am leraning it more and more…again I am getting into that pattern of wanting to be perfect at something without allowing myself a phase of learning and failures.

Theres a part witthin myself thats so exhausted…that just wants to have someone to cuddle and rest. That needs that. Its so hard to rest alone.