A life worth living and dying for - MechaShaman

[MechaShaman]

Soo…
Yesterday had the third ayahuasca ceremony in a row, after kambo. This one went deep.
I saw how i want to achieve and use external status power and wealth simply because i would think it would make me more attractive…because i never felt suffiently attrqctive enough without any role to hide behind.

This topic has been working since quite some time in me…as I am going on the direction of beeing a healer, teacher, guide…and having there this shadow of manipulation or abuse of power is something very dangerous. It was beautiful to see what the reason was for that…with that i can let it go. Because i know that i am attractive and liekable without any role. I dont need to hide behind an archetype, profession, achievements, etc. and use that for attracting love.

This was exactly what i was tought by my parents…that i was only loveable and likeable if i performed. I projected this view on the entire reality, that every person would be like that. I take this projection back. I am loveable, attractive and worthy without any performance. For others this was allways easy to do. But for myself…all the hurt i felt i did it to myself, because i thought i wasnt worthy without performing like my imaginary best version…i let go lf this believe.

Kambo ceremony also showed me again deep stuff about the nature of pain. In western society and medicine, pain is a sign that something is wrong, that needs to be healed. But the other case is true…pain is an indicator for healing. Just as recon is an indicator of change! I want to raise my resiliance to pain. I want to be able to tolerate more bodily discomfort. Kambo will teach me this. Gonna do it now weekly for 2-3 months. And ots the first time that i want to have more resiliance in my life because I want it. Not because of my parents telling me to be less sensitive, more resilient.
Still i know that this is a journey. This wont change from one day to the next. I am allready seeing it how i became more and more resilient im the last year.

On ayahuasca I saw again that my life is getting so amazing on a macro perspective. After years of purposelessness and no goals, I study shamanism, yoga and human design, I have learned how to relax, I eat very healthy, I am trusting my own inner guidance, I am no longer a victim of outer circumstances. I allowed myself to commit to a path and let go of FOMO.

There is still the list of “issues” in my life…and typing this out, I immediately ask myself: why am i call those issues? And not things to improve or adventures that i havent taken yet
I dont want to be so focused on the things that are not perfect in my life, i want to be focused on the things that are.

Its crazy how much my mind is still focused on sex. How crazy this is making me, that there is no woman in my life right now. This creates a lot of suffering in myself actually. Id like to let go of this lust. I dont want my life to be run by my penis anymore…but there is this other voice: dont repress your sexuality, this is what keeps you grounded in reality. Without sexuality there is only spirituality for you…and i am honest…these are the only things that interest me anymore.

I am starting to see more and more what kind of relationship i want to have.
I want to have a relationship where both me and the woman are free. Where we have our own lives, our own goals. I want to be sexually unbound…and i want her to be the same…but i am honest, there is an envy process to go through, that i am not ready for yet. But all when the time is right. I guess for that my core and believe in myself will have to become stronger. My self worth. I dont know though if going full harem is the thing i want. Having someone to count on commit to is something very very beautiful. Though i fear that i would lose myself in the other person…and get moved from my path and direction…so a lot of things where i dont know yet what i want in regards to romantic intimacy…until then, some uncomplicated, intimate, sexual experiences on the retreats i am planning to attend to in october and november would be amazing. And i am sure something great will happen there!

After this intende days of work with the medicines, i am kinda full. Now again its time for a bit of grounded life. Tidying up, studying again, yoga, dance. Enjoy life

[MechaShaman]

Was at a autentic relating event today and ran a microloop of wanted black…
and DAAYYUM…I love how I feel this sub…grounded, centered, calm…something deeep withhin me relaxes after just a minute of listening to it.
Its been in me for quite a long time that I want to run this…but I am afraid of the Recon it may cause because I am a bit of a shutin, not going out much other than to my retreats…beeing on my journey of recovery from burnout/long covid.
Actually I am thinking of building a Custom with it…
Ill give it some runs again to think about it…

This would be the first draft:
-) Wanted Black Core
-) Synergy: Tale of the Dragon
-) Synergy: Perfection Manifestation
-) Synergy: Wisdom of the Ages
-) Synergy: 42
-) Synergy: Inescapable Gaze
-) Divine Self-Image
-) Growth Through Pain
-) Mosaic

These would be nice but it gets to dense allready…
-) Synergy: Preordained Vitality
-) Synergy: Beyond Connection

[MechaShaman]

Not doing so amazing today. Slept bad, low energy and a lot of feelings coming up.
My course on sunday was last minute rescheduled again…i dont know whats up this week…why again and again my abandonment trauma is tickled. For the first 5 short time disappointments I coudl go through…but the 6th got me into emotional overwhelm.

I am trying to sit with the feelings. I am asking myself: how to trust people when they are so unreliable? I know they dont mean it bad…but i got to the point where I accepted that I need a bit of stability in my life, that i cannot live all the time outside my comfort zone. Just in the present moment. Some planability is nice, i want to have that in my life, i want control. Why are people so incongruent with their words and actions?

I am also asking myself the question of why i have so high standards of myself…Regsrding my integrity.
Today i got a new shippment of shamanic tobacco. They shipped me the big bottles instead of the small ones. I couldn’t simply be happy and keep it at that. I felt the jnner need to contact them if they want to ship the smaller ones and get the bigger ones back…
Its fucking exhausting to have to live up to such a high standard…

The question thats arrising withhin me is: can you still love yourself of you dont reach those high standards? Can you actually love other people who dont reach those standards you put onto yourself?

The five personality patterns talk about this…that people in the rigid pattern have this strong super ego…this only if i obey the rules, i am loveable and likeable…i want to get out of that. I dont want to put up rules anymore for myself. I want to also embrace my “dark side”. The side that sometimes wants to lie, cheat and looks more on myself than on the other. But allways i have to live like jesus…abding the golden rule…telling myself that the pain someone else experiences is also my pain, as we are all one…putting myself down. Making myself small…

Can i love myself when I am the “bad guy”? This is the intense question…that puts up a lot of further questions…what is good? What is bad? Who decides whats good and bad? I guess i do decide. And i want to live in a reality that is based upon love and the golden rule…but it fuvking feels like i am fighting an uphill battle and expending so much energy while so many people simple only think about themselves and cant pull themselves together…

Pulling myself together…this brings me further…i wear this mask of the one who functions and has his shit together…but the truth is…i am fucking clueless…i am so fucking afraid. There is this black hole at my solarplexus thats a neverending source of pain, chaos, fear and panic… But i just had a realization: its not here all the time…who says that this is the same thing over and over again? Are these actually different emotions that are just passing through? Different learnings, different triggers…i guess framing it like that is way more helpful for myself. Often i just want to scream from the fear and terror i am feeling within me. This fear of going crazy. This fear of completely losing control. Fear of beeing absolutely powerless in this cruel game thats called life. That all this life is just some sort of purgatory where i am trapped till all the inpurities are purged from me…and this fear that fucking up will bring me back to the beginning over and over and over again…

I am really starting to love this forum. Its such a high energy container for journaling. Most of the time i suprise myself with what comes out when writing a post.

Today i listened to a mocroloop of wanted, alchemist and my custom…each sub 1min…
I am seeing deep processes going on here. Someone called this existential reccon i gues.
I have trust that this will pass, and that i will learn something great from it…and i guess that by surviving the purgatory, only what is pure will remain

[MechaShaman]

I ask myself where the balance is…if sitting at home with my reccon, my stuck emotions, is loving of myself…if taking a pause from this, by playing a video game is loving of myself…or if it is simply running away from my issues…my parents often accused me of running away from my issues… But here i am…trying to prove everyone wrong…trying to prove that i am so much stronger…am i overdoing it again? Am i overpushing myself?

What is self love? Where is the balance between beeing content with myself and pushing myself out of the comfort zone…i remember something i agreed with my therapist once…that i should never listen to anyone or any voice that says do more do more…you are not enough…push yourself harder…

I guess i am doing it again…overpushing myself. Wanting to change myself more out of a feeling of unworthiness…Expecting myself to be able to sit through anything. Expecting myself to be able to endure anything.

Maybe wanted black is to strong on the same day as the other subs…with all that manifestations scripting.

[MechaShaman]

What i am realizing…all this spirituality bullshit about humbleness…keeps me from getting s healthy self esteem. I may have a missunderstanding there…but i am so afraid of being confident, because I want to stay humble. i dont want to let my ego become to big. But this is actually what I need. I need this to be a proper man. Can i be self confident and humble at the same time?

How can i have a healthy good self image, without the ego highjacking and creating a self enforcing loop that makes my ego super big again? I had this happen 2 years ago…but i am different now.

I allow myself to have a healthy, confident, self image. I allow that some people will be attracted to this and some people will be repelled by this. It is okay…not everyone needs to like me. The right people will like me…i actually dont want that everyone likes me…only the right people should like me…I allow myself to be narcissistic, i allow that some people may call me a narcissist. I allow people to call me egoistocal. This was something were my parents pushed a lot on me. They never allowed me to be egoistical. They just used me as an extension of themselves. To fill a role in their life. They wanted me to push me into the direction of what their dream live would have been…bjt they didnt have the courage to go for it.

But I am very very couragous. I see it over and over. May it be engaging with shamanic medicines. May it be attending to those edgy retreats. I realized on one of the ayahuasca trips last weekend how outdated my self image actually is…that I still have thid self image of beeing a loser, someone who gives up, someone who doesn’t pull things through…
But i push through the things I actually want to get done. Since now 4 years, i am taking daily action to become a better man. Daily i am commiting to myself. I push myself hard…yes. I may need to learn to reduce that a bit. But I am strong. I have an iron will. But I only use that will anymore for what I want. If anyone calls me out for being egoistical for that…its just their envy

I dont need to prove my self image to anyone. I wont show it to anyone. But internally I will now carry myself with more worth. With alll the worth, with all the self love i can muster.

I see how much i question myself so much. That i want to make all things perfect the first time. That i only allow myself to do to little, but i dont allow myself to be to much, or give to much…
Again I allow myself to cross some boundaries of other people to be called out for it. Thats okay. I am waiting to be called out for it. It wont change my worth. It wont say anything bad about me. Because I do it conciously.

[MechaShaman]

Last week, when i had my skin infection I listened to paragon before going to bed every night. It helped a lot with the itching. But it also did something else incredible: every night I sleept and I woke up refreshed…something that hasnt happened in most of my nights.

I gave it another losten yesterday before goib to be…and today I am waking up completly refreshed, emrgized and calm.

Somethig happened then…I started to do “chores”…writing some mails, paying bills…and the first time in my life I experienced doign chores as something positive…with each thing I did, i felt the load coming of my shoulders and I got motivated to do some more.

I have never experienced that in my life before…those things allways felt like things I need to do out of a should

Lets see where this takes me today!

[MechaShaman]

Soo…today was the last day of Alchemist St1

What all happened in regards to the scope of Alchemist in this first month?

• List item I delved a lot deeper in shamanism with the Divone quest 21 day journey by Alberto Villoldo. I learned a lot about rituals and how to extract energies from the body and mind in a subtle way. Yesterday I saw an instagram add for another course by him and bought it

• List item I restarted my yoga practice, not where I have been but its a process. Kundalini is again very active in me

• List item I have become a lot more stable with emotions and I am getting to a way deeper acceptance and understanding of reccon and how to work with it

• List item my journey with human design is getting deep

• List item My work with plant medicine has leveled up immensely. I am getting to a way deeper understanding. I learned how to apply Kambo

• List item I am trusting more and more that my process unfolds naturally and effortlessly without needing to force it. I am getting way more relaxed

• List item Paragon has become an integral part of my journey to health. I am starting to learn how much I have been missing good, relaxed sleep

Allready stockef what the next stage will bring. Lets see how long I will washout.

[MechaShaman]

Small reccon story from today…i woke up snd was quite low energy…but still centered and calm. Went on easy with my day…watched the lord of the ring series…felt like ordering a burger…havent done that for quite a bit, but i used to love burgers…thinking of it made me salvinate…while the burger where out for delivery, i had some rapé (shamanic snuff tobacco)…and it pushed me out of reccon…to my regular place of mind…where I actually dont like beef anymore…

It makes me sad that I now wont eat the food…but its not good for me. It will affect my body and digestive tract for days.

This is a big question for me: how to handle reccon in a way that doesnt “damage” the body or impact me long term? Takig it to the extreme again…but i gut to a level of sensitivity, where things like the wrong food, beeing up to long for a night etc. affect me for several days and increase the chance of dumb choices in those days.

My own anser would be: i am allready learning it. In the past these phases lasted for days/weeks. Now those reccon phases last a day/some hours max. Sadly movement doesnt really work for me, as I am still struggeling with low bodily energy. I guess my way of handeling it with rapé and plant medicines is okay for now. Until my body gets better…

But i guess the most important thing is: not to punish myself for small errors and slips, like simply throwing a meal away…i am still learning.

Another thing to to, what I havent done enough…is to tell myself STOP IT when I am about to do something that isnt good for me in the long term.

So i guess this cow didnt die for nothing, but to learn me a valuable lesson. Thank you

[MechaShaman]

Another gem:
I used to have this believe that living out of the comfort zone is the standard…and not doing is is beeing subpar…yielding to recon bad…doing the “right thing” and making the good long term choice the standard

But this is so wrong…when i look at my live…i am so often doing the right thing. All those things I did to push down emotions that i dont do anymore…that i have conquered…i quit weed…nearly 9 months now. I quit caffeine. I mostly wuit unhealthy food…and when i eat something “unhealthy” its still, sushi, or organic meat, or some home cooked organic desert.

I want to change this belive. The new standard is a 50:50 scale. Beeing out of the comfort zone more than 50% is beeing amazing. Beeing under it is beeing lazy. And by this scale I am fucking amazing…

I want to let go of this perfectionistic mindset that only 100% is sufficient. No wonder I never made it to a healthy self esteem when only 100% are even sufficient…

Now gonna drop some , I am going to be the assistant for the shamanic practitioner at a magic retreat in some weeks. Need to get acustomed with their energy.

As my intention for this journey: I wanna devolop a healthy self esteem. I wann start telling myself well done from now on everytime I go out of the comfort zone…so I have a proper calibrated inner meter…

I used to only push the +1 button on the i fucked up counter…as i believed the stardard was to not fuck up and make everything perfect…but this is so wrong…
And i only looked at that counter…

Actually the scale has two buttons…a +1 button for something good, and a -1 button for fucking up… I am gonna use that from now on…
But everytime i am gonna push the -1 button…i am gonna learn from it. And when I dont punish myself for fucking up and analyze and learn from the situation…i am going to press the +1 button…

So this will lead to an enormous growth of self esteem…what a great idea ()…it will reduce my inner level of stress and self punishment massivly.

I want to see and put attention on the achievements I make. And push the button i earned it.

I wann give myself recognition…and not only want to wait till I get it from the outside i guess some love bomb blooming?

[MechaShaman]

Also, in the last time I again fell back i to the habit of not stopping and asking myself of how I feel…and look the devil into the eye…the truth is I feel exhausted

Most of the time its very hard to rest for me…properly rest…do nothing…basically meditate…just look at the clouds etc.
When I do this, all the feelings get so strong…mostly fear and panic.

I mean…it got way way better in the last months…way way better. I did a great job , I grew so much , I can handly all hardships so mich better

Maybe this is also breath of the storms ccoming online. For me it feels like Wanted Black is amplifying the other subs massively. I guess through the emotional resilience scripting…that works so much better than healing subs XD

[MechaShaman]

I am realizing how much pressure I have been putting on myself. All this blaming…parents…trauma…whatever…it was me who was my biggest critic. I am sorry, I will take more charge of my thoughts

[JAnon]

@MechaShaman

I feel exhausted

Reading your last few entries, the image that came to mind for me is of an elastic band. Stretch it far and fast, and there’ll be an inclination to ‘snap back’.

A couple of possible questions for self-reflection.

Can trust yourself to relax and recharge, without losing your progress?

Do you feel established enough in your new patterns such that they are becoming a natural part of self-identity, so that you can relax into it as your new reality?

If you took some time for rest, is there a fear that you’d slip back to old ways? And if there is that fear, is it a justifiable one or just old junk?

Can you integrate your forward momentum with a resting, natural, present awareness?

[Metamorphosis]

This. RoM helped me the most… Universe knows for how long I’ve dealt with answers to these question on the side of “I can’t rest peacefully”.

[Metamorphosis]

I’ll follow you… wherever you go…

[MechaShaman]

Wow! This is hitting hard and deep. Thank you

In the past i couldnt trust me. But i am getting to a point where its time to trust myself. And i am getting to a point where i deserve peaceful rest. I have ran away far enough from the danger.

The new ways are definitely fitting my identity, but I feel like I havent stabilized fully yet. The old ways are still a bit engrained in my tissue.
But it definitely feels like I have reached a tipping point. A point where the fear of losing all my progress is not justifieable anymore and is actually keeping a lot of energy in a loop. Energy that I actually need.

Its time to take some rest.

[JAnon]

Massive progress, bro.

Sounds like you’re exactly where you need to be.

Aho!

[MechaShaman]

Aho bro!
Your message reached me deep ony mushroom trip.

I have been on that “spiritual path” of disecting my wounds…operating…wanting them to go away.

But todays experience showed me…its time to put on a mask. The “mask” of someone who has his shit together. Underneath we all have our traumas. Our hurt inner childs. But this mask is of good use. It protects my wounds. It protects my inner child to feel whatever it wants, anytime.

I have been using my energy all the time to dig deeper, deeper, deeper into my wounds…wanting them to go away…its been enough. Its time to use that energy to create a wall to protect this wound.

I have spend 4 years now disecting and exploring that wound…i thought the way to go was to let all masks go, running around with an completley open heart all the time. But this is to much. Its fucking exhausting. Its time to close up now. I know all my wounds, I know where it hurts…and I am going to protect those from now on.

I saw how this mask is so important for interpersonal relating. Especially regarding woman. I studied game mentally long enough mentally to know…they want a man that is rough, with a wall around his heart. Who knows how to keep himself safe. Because this man can keep them safe aswell.

I am the one who is capable of creating safetly witthin. And knowing how sensitive and vulnerable my inner child is… I am maning up and start protecting it properly.

As I know though…learning this is a process. Rome isnt built on one day. But i have tasted this truth and reality. And ill trust that it will be become full reality soon. Setbacks will come. But i am seeing how good i have become with getting up again and again.

I can relax. The last months have shown that I have become so good at not loosing progress during relaxing. Its time to lower the gear I am driving my vehicle through time and space.

And I want to remind myself…even though some parts of mine stay the same… watching TV, Youtubing a bit…in the time inbetween I have become someone entirely different. For so long I had been carying the self image of a teenager…not a man…it feels like this is changing now. And I allow the man in me to watch tv and youtube. I dont need to regress to my teenage or child self to enjoy that.

I earned massively today

I guess thats deep Wanted Black work…I love it

[MechaShaman]

I guess it finds out how my authentic version of rest looks like.
Human design tells me, that I have an active mind/body. Western medicine would say I am Neuro divergent/gifted/ADHD…its far easier for me to relax when i listen to some podcast etc, as my mind is all the time looking for something to work on. This is why its so hard for me to fully relax and just be.

Id like to know how to shut off my mind…but when i dont give it a task, it starts to do dumb stuff…like ruminating about the past, searching my body for areas of stiffness and pains…poking at the wounds basically.

[JAnon]

Happy landings.

Can only speak for myself, but things like metta/lovingkindness, or using affirmations, are ways I can ‘engage’ the mind while keeping fairly chill and paving the way to wholesome states.

[MechaShaman]

Last two days i was able to relax a lot. I used to love playing Dota 2. Currently the big toirnament is played. Watching a lot of it on youtube. And i love it.

I am starting to see how much i tried to love according to some “rules”. This would be the rigid pattern from the fove personality pattern…this goes down deep…everything, every desire, every feeling that doesnt cohere to the rules gets repressed…disgusting.

Today i felt the urge to masturbate…told myself…No, what you actually want is sex. So i spontaneously went to a prostitute. There was so much resistance, so many stories about how this makes me less of a man, how it makes me unworthy…i want to let go of all those stories and rules

And yes, its definitely fastfood…but that part of myself needed some feeding for quite some time…i am done with repressing my sexuality. It doesnt make me more spiritual to repress my urges.

I want to be wild, unregulated, living live on my terms and not on anyone elses!