Feeling angry…
Wow as soon as i write it out, the feeling is gone.
And sad.
Since i listen to my body i start to see how incompatible my own rythm is with so much happening in the outside world…
Today i am starting to get tired at 5pm when it gets dark…
How to go out? How to survive at retreats that run till 11PM?
Lets see how this will go this weekend…maybe this is just filling up my batteries properly…for the first time in quite some time
There is frustration in me…there is sadness in me…
Becoming a man takes it toll…letting go of the so many things…letting go of binging watching things on youtube, letting go of taking in to much information…
Lettting go of all those things I found comfort in…
But now I am fining comfort in something new I am finding comfort in a deep sense or purpose…in a deep sense of beeing a man…in a deep sense of doing what is right…what is good for me
And I dont want to trade that for the shallow pleasures anymore
Everytime I feel an impulse to got to youtube and make the right choice by not doing it, I feel something growing stronger…a muscle of some sort…a feeling of internal power…something that is bigger than shallow pleasure…something that gives my life something that was missing for so much time and where the lack thereoff made me depressed…purpose
Still…I feel ashamed for having those imature pulses…
But at the same time I see them as tests…as tests if I truly want to become an Emperor of my Kingdom…An emperor of my own life…the creator of my own life. Someone who has control over his animal nature…A man
And I deeply know…THIS IS THE RIGHT PATH…This is what I need and want to be doing…This is what my inner child deeply longed for…This is what I deeply long for. This sense of power. This sense of strength.
Life will allways throw tests at me…now its resisting those temptations…in the future it will be different stuff…there will allways be temptations. The easy route…the lazy choice… but I know… everytime I make those choices it will make me weaker in the long term…I will make debts with myself…I will worsen my spawnpoint for the next day…
AND I DONT WANT TO DO THAT
I want to be successful!
And the level of success I am feeling since a week has never been seen in my life before
The level of internal power, the level of purpose, the level of self trust, the level of confidence…and its been only 3 weeks of running emperor (daddy)…
I cant even imagine where my life can be in 3 months from now if I continue making steps foward, without making backwards steps.
In the past there was allways this program running that after doing something where I had to overcome my lower impulses, some part inside of me wanted a reward for doing so…and this kept me stuck…as I was taking one step forward, one back…
Now I get it the reward for the hard choice is strength, purpose, confidence…All the masculine qualities that I have been DEEPLY longing for…
I havent been so proud with myself ever than in the last week.
I have never felt that strong and confident…
And I have never felt so sure that I can get the life I long for.
And deep wiuthhin myself I know…It wont get easier again…and thats okay.
I accept it. I accept that this is the price of success. I am ready to pay it. And I will become stronger and make even bigger steps…and feel more success, power and confidence.
I had some crazy dreams today about dominance and power. Sadly I cant remember much, but I was a bit shocked with how much power there can be inside of me…or a part of me was shocked. A part thats afraid to wield that power, a part that is afraid to have so much responsibility…
But in the end there is no running away from this responisbility…as this last ayahuasca trip has shown me…I am the creator of my reality…I got the whole power to shape my reality anyhow…so the utmost responsibility I have to myself is to shape it in a proper way thats good for me.
There is a part inside of me thats lazy, that wants to run away from this responsibility…and thats okay. I will get used to it.
There is a part inside of me that is used to comfort…and that comfort is getting taken away now…and thats okay. I will get used to it.
I feel ashamed for not steeping up into masculinity earlier. But at the same time I forgive myself. I didnt have someone to teach me. And I guess it wasnt the right time yet.
To be totally hones…meeting that peruvian Shaman changed a lot. He feels like a role model to me…The energy in his home is amazing. Very calm (other than his 2 doughters playing), loving , caring. He provides an energy of groundedness and safety. He is very humble and at the same time so fucking powerful. He speaks in calm way, but sometimes is not afraid to raise his voice with his wife or his children…But withhin seconds he is calm again.
I am looking for opportunities for raising my voice. For beeing in a position of power. I need to get used to that. Maybe I can go to psychodrama or something to train that…so that when I am in a relationship again, I am ready for this and dont have to do it for the first time…Getting more comfortable with expressing Anger in a controlled way.
During breakfast I had a realization…All those “bad habbits”…were places were I was leaking energy. A step forward is building energy…and a step backward is losing energy…and because of that I was not really getting anywhere…
It feels like I get a deeper understanding right now about how to reach a goal…about what it really means to want to get somewhere…how important it is to conserve energy…and that every small drop counts…as this will influence my spawnpoint of the next day…and by the end of a month…a daily loss of 10% adds up to a huge difference allready.
I fucking love this emperor program
I was missing so much stuff in my live…no wonder I didnt attract woman…but this will change…maybe not immideatly…but if i run this sub for half a year…I could really start to be a high valuable man.
I am considering if I should also run some intellect based sub…to build on my strengths…something like limitless…or stark. A Limitless emperor daddy combination sounds kinda nice…but I am asking myself if this would be Stark Black…
Wont do it before my travel…will commit to EmpD and Alchemist for this last month till I travel…maybe experiment with Limitless as a 3rd title.
I am asking myself more and more in what area I want to earn money…but I deeply trust human design with that…study what you want to study and chances will arise…I will get invited into something. And it gets more and more to me…as a projector I can become a universial genius…simply by learning how to manage and manipulate energy. Everything is energy. A production line is energy. My life can be viewed as energy. Everything is an energetic system. And by mastering that I will be able ton contribute everywhere…may it be a coach for a single person, or helping a factory to optimize.
Alchemist will help me to understand this better…
I really want to build a custom with the Alchemist…because of some of the extra modules. And I would be considering to building a second one with EmpD…add some modules to it to make it suitable for exactly me…maybe EmpD with limitless…
Something deep has shifted inside of me…
my Intention for this weekends temple retreat has completley changed…
It not somethign the line anymore of: -) I want to have sex, I want to have this or that experience, etc…
Its:
If no woman is interested in me…fine
If I dont have any sexual or intimate experience fine
The Emperor is truly killing the neediness withhin
I am proud of myself for the level of growth I have been able to achieve since the last retreat. This retreat I want to enter with my whole beeing. As an Adult. Not as a needy, lusty, greedy teenager.
I feel fear typing out this. This is something new for me. To show off this new Version of me. It feels vulnerable. The emperor speaks to me: This is because your new frame will be tested…I am ready for the tests. I know that these tests are there to integrate this new version of myself…
Like a lobster who has freshly shed his skin…and now goes out. I may fail some tests…but I am sure that I will also go through some of them and raise my status, masculinity and strength. I put out the intention to not only see the tests that I fail at…but also see the tests that I pass.
That is a good way of seeing it. I will incorporate that findings in my own life. Thank you for sharing your development, a lot resonates with me.
Hearing a podcast from a woman who has the exact same human design as me…
And there was this part about knowing what right and not doing it…
This change i am going through now…i wasnt ready for it before. I needed to gain courage and strength. No shame “for beeing late”. No more thoughts about why only now… I allways tried my best…i trained my muscle…and it has become so strong that it is able to make those hard choices now.
Super interesting what happens here weekend retreat…
Its the first time i am here without an intention that needs someone else…my energy is completely different…so much more mature. I love it.
The first room i was scheduled to be in was with two other people…i dont really like that at all…its also not good for me regarding to human design…so i got a single room for an okay extra amount.
The interesting point: each room has a plate with some spirit animal or totem in this hotel…
The first one had the amanita muscaria…and then my single room had the dragon…
It is somehow synchronistic to the transformation i am going theought…from relying on a lot of plant medicine to stepping into my power.
Also whats super interesting to observe for me…i am starting to sense the “energetic contracts” between other people and me…like the why I merge with them…things like i want you to like me apear…i want that you approve of me…
And its super easy to let go of those energies withhin me…alchemist definitely does its work withhin me…
I start to feel the cognitive dissonance between the me that spent time with those people the last time we spent time together and the new me that has emerged in the last months…its hard to stay completly in that adult mode…but its working more and more…this weekend will be super super helpful to integrate that adult more calm self
Wow…so much has changed…
I recognize how i have been seduced by woman…how they got like a bonus or status simply because they were beautiful before…now not anymore…or not totally atleast…it feels as if my neediness has went completley away.
At the same time though, i do t really feel like seducing…may be resistance…but maybe the first step is to stabilize in my new masculine self first…so i dont fall back into old patterns.
Lets see what the first temple will bring to night…
But not feeling sexual at all…but a back massage would be ver very welcomed 
My eating habbits have changed. … i am more interested in the salads rather than the main course… dessert is a bit tempting.
I am realizing more and more during eating when i eat out of greed and lust rather than need
I dont know what happened in the last week…but something shifted massively…
All my neediness is gone, and no more drive to run after woman…I guess if one would approach me it would be different…but even the thought of investing energy into seduction with a risk of losing that emergy feels ridiculous…
This is what i have been trying to understand the whole time regarding this topic of neediness…when i am not needy anymore, why would i do something? Then id rather spend my time with something else…
Kinda feel trapped at this temple retreat now…lets see what to orrow brings…but today i am only pissed for not beeing able to use my own sleeping rythm.
But maybe this what i am experiencing is a result from heartsong…that not any woman is interesting anymore…but sometimes one may appear that is interesting…one where i am suddenly needy again…
Curious what the next days will bring…
Dreaming of Zombies again…
There was an infection that broke out…we put the infected into some sort of holding cell…most of them were behaving and playing along…but there was this one guy who couldnt be handled…who allway tried to spread rhe infection…who had this penetrating, imposing Energy…
And because he continued to try to touch us (it was me and a woman idk) we at one point had to kill him…over and over we hacked at him, tore his body appart…bot over and over he rebuilt his body…until at some point we realized that he cannot be destroyed, but only diluted and so we somehow very fast squished his body into a liquid and diluted it more and more and somwhere him to waste…
It was a crazy crazy dream…i still feel this Energy. An emergy that feel like it want to enter me and take me over. Take control over me…
Whatever i just let this myself feel this eneergy fully…and i am becoming fully present…
Yesterdays experience was super interesting…this new me…where there is no more neediness…is omething totally new for me. I have never been there. I am having such a hard switch currently…shamanism, be it with ayahuasca or the sexual shamanism suddenly seem like nice tools, but not something i would want to work with in the future.
It feels like this step from the mamalian (teenager) brain to the frontal lobe is completely turning my life around…that this emergency of the true ruler of my internal kingdom and the dethroning of the shaman and yogi is completely altering my life…
I am again at the very beginning no plan for the future, no idea what i will work…and thats good. Human design thought me that this strategic thinking will not lead me to what i want. And i agree.
I want to just be.
Today i feel tired.and a mix out of a feeling of relief and grief.
I feel this phase of sexual shamanism in my life ending. It feels like this exploration has led far enough and i have gotten enough from it.
I have gotten enough from that field to be an amazing lover. I know that now. With the right woman. And i dtart to accept that i need the right woman, not just any woman.
This will definitely open up space withhin my life. Lets see with what it gets filled.
It was interesting to have a talk with a tantroc bodyworker over breakfast…she invited me to be a tantric masseur…but i know this is not the job i want. I dont want to do that as a job…its to much work to control my sexual energy while touching woman.
It was very interesting though to hear her talk about mature feminine nature…i feel this shift that currently happens in me will help me attract those kind of woman.
I feel disgusted of the weakness I put up with. I feel qshamed for it. No wonder there was such an inner conflict inside of me…
Or is it really me who has that feeling? Its again a believe…i am never allowed to fail and show weakness…
Again i see myself trying to hold onto extremes and perfectionism. Its okay. There is still shame inside of me for not beeing perfect. For having a croissant and a coffee today at breakfast after some healthy stuff.
I want to find balance between doing whats good for me and enjoying the qualities of being alive.
I dont know whats active here. If the emperor scripting is really pushing me to total control over myself or if those are old programs running…
I definitely see how staying up late fucked up my rythm. How i am super tired today and not anymore in my masculine.
That i following my own steucture and rythm is of utmost importance now.
Listened to 1:50 of EmpD and A4.
Learning a lot today…i am sensing energies so much finer since going through alchemist…
I am not in such an high state today anymore. Losing it a bit and thats okay. This high state will come when i am ready for it…i am intefrating it more and more.
More grief regarding my ex coming up…i dont idealize the realtionship anymore…i dont wish for it back…but the sex…was otherworldly…and how i felt for beeing able to guide her through such experiences…i felt like the master of the world…it gave me so much confidence to rock her world…
The question comes up: What is stopping me from feeling like this by myself? What am I missing internally that she gave me externally?
What comes up is intimicy…intimacy with myself…listening to myself, my body, my needs, my own rhythm. Becoming more intimate with myself. And i am not talking about self pleasure. I am talkin about the basic stuff…listening for the smallest impulses of my body and following them…stop eating when i am full…everyday here i am sending something back and not eating the whole plate…i am proud lf myself…my family’s programs dont allow this.
Listening toy bodys signal for when its hungry, tired, when I am in the mood for something or not…
Yesterday evening I didn’t listen to my body…i should have went to bed instead of doing the evening session. I stayed…put of shame…out of stories what others think when i come here and dont take part.
But this is what makes me an adult and what will make me feel powerful and the master of my own world…to create it in a way thats fitting for myself.
What i learned in trauma theraphy is that this sort of trauma disconnected me with my own inner voice. My own inner guidance…and let my life be reigned by mental concepts and the others…
I am not fully there yet…yes, i do fail…but i dont yield to perfectionism again…i look at what works…At the areas i have grown.
And since i have been in this place where this retreat is in august (not even 3 months)…so much has changed. A shitton. I did put out the intention to celebrate the wins…where i pass the tests. Those sre the small things. Like stopping eating the cake after 3 bites. Bringing my own breakfast to get the food that i am used to. Not pushing myself onto other people out of the need for conversation and to push my stories onto them. Taking time in the breaks to write this journal and reflect on whats happening in my own process.
The fact that i am starting to recognize the tests i have passed is allready an amazing reason to celebrate and be proud of myself. In the past i have never seen where i changed. And i start to see how celebrating these small wins gives me the emergy to go on. To make the next step. To not make one step forward and one back.
It feels like i can finally give myself the validation i long for…and am no longer looking outside for it…
And of that is no win and lifechanging event?
Massive 
I am having spiritual realizations regarding the nature of different ego states in different vibrations…its not allways possible to not lose a high state…so its really important to take measures and to implement habbits in every ego state that will push me to positivity…
I have an image of that game with the snakes and the ladders…its important to place a lot of extra ladders…so when i slide down a snake i can take a ladder back up…
That will also increase my capability to handle reccon…because reccon will lower my state…bht by having habbits like journaling, yoga, healthy food andy proper sleep schedule, i will come up to a higher state faster again and will be able to process all those emotions the reccon bring up.
Where the real tests are starting is when i am in a bad state…then it is of utmost importance to stick to my habbits and use them as ladders back to a good state!!!
Having deep realizations about my spirit guides…some of them are spiritual…but some sre archetypes rhat i connect with:
Will need to take a look deeper into them when Im at home.
I can use these energies, connect to them and regulate my body to them…it really helps to take some rapé, so i feel them more easily.
I am getting abit horny again when i am not in my pure masculine. Its been 5 days since i released now…
I feel the steong pull to make a spiritual custom with the alchemist and some of the extra modules for energy work and spirituality…
But another voice tells me to work with the alchemist major for a little more so i get more used to it…and wait for the new minds eye…would be a nice second core i guess…i am not so much onto manifestation but i guess its very helpful to sense and see energies…and this js whats important to me.
There is some fear in my system that i resist to feel…and thats okay
I am learning more and more that fear is nothing to resist. Fear is here to make me awake and present.
Had a very headling experience…there was a practice where to people meet and we say what we want to do to each other. This quite beautiful woman wanted to touch and kiss my belly…the area of my body thats most connected to shame…because of beeing overweight and my strong bodyhair…my exwofe didnt like my bodyhair and waxed me…
But this woman really got off when she saw my bodyhair…
It was awesome 
