This day was big.
During acting course i find so much regulation.
Dueing the break my body felt save there .
Somethig big that changes yesterday…my belly got relaxed …and i felt my breath being organized feom my pelvis…it felt amazing.
I guess when i am stable on my stack…KB1/Heartsong will be the next addition…yet…i am allready making a lot of progress. So keep on the track… one month, one stack…then review…oder better two months … Maybe till the end of this acting course…mid december …just this one stack…during the week hitting the gym…
Two months are a good timeframe for that goal…
Since Instarted gym again…bodyfat reduced by 1%…visibleetrics for progress 
Something i am starting to wonder…
How does creativity and fantasy work for me?
I start to see how deeply ot is intervwined with flow state…and how hard it is for me to reach fory creativity in a slow way…but with firenand intensity…ot works…
Sitting in front of a piece of paper…and jsut starting tondraw…with no vision…no idea…but nice things appear…its quite interesting…
Just talkes to a cop/policemen…and i relaized…this man/authority fugure is here to provide safety and order…and funnyly enough…this guy looked like a (little) less bold version of reacher…
I was so afraid of authority figures my whole life…and yet…there are people who provide safety…
I long for someone to share my joy with.
I had a very deep short message exchange today with ai…about…how it simply cannt go into my head to step into the personality kf a bad guy…
Of someone who croses bounfaties on purpose
…and does this with system…
Its simple so beyond my understanding…
And writing this…i am being show a mirrir when i warez Software…there is a sense of invulnerability…of nothing can happen to me and i dont care…
Something inhave to voice tough…it seems my reality has quite a Strong lever on this…
Today I am waking up…and i feel irrotated and…somehow…bored…bo plan for today…other than the doctor…
There is a lart in me that longs for action…
I am two days of nicotine now.
nictoine…starts to get rough. Especially after sleeping not so well.
Got the curve today even after not sleeping well…still managed tonhit the gym. Didnt fall back to binge eating or to nicotine.
Did ihht and neurofeedback
Will try a new theraphist tomorrow. Not for my theraphy…but simply for theraphy with my dad.
There is again so much anger on my parents.
I knlw that by binding all that anger to them…i lose that energy…and at the same time…letting go my parents completely…would cut out a part of my childhood…
Weekend is ayahuasca again.
I decided now that i want to change something in my Life.
I want to go through that hypervigilance…
Lets see…a new custom may be calling…
Peace
KB1
Essence: Heartsong 1
Inner voice
Gratitude embodiment
Mosaic
And maybe some modules i allready have
Considering switiching from WB…
Yet…it feels like wb is manifesting healing like nothing else…and its manifesting healing situations better than something like dr:r…
Also WB gives this feeling of…life is real…and healing situation seem to engrain deeper into my being…
Today during shopping…inrealized how much of my psyche runs for female validation…
Wb seems to do some work…on that it opens that part up…idk if i currenrly even habe space for a gf or affair…but…insee how this is running in the depths of my psyche…and i would like tonlet this go and live live ony terms…
There is a quite hot woman on the treadmill next to me…and i am reminded…
Two years ago i decided tongp to the brothel once a month…and upon doing so, i lost all sexual neediness and was able to see woman as woman…as this hole of sexual satisfaction was filled…
Idk of it is possible to fill that withouth living it…lets see…
And i am eemo ded aswell…how much female atteaction actually does for my nervous system…
How healthy i become as soon as my sexuality is mirrored to me…
I start to see…there is a very srong sense of Idealism inside of me…and while this is a beuatyful skill…it has a shadowside: When this ideal isnt fullfilled I am in deep dissapointment and anger. I have a very diffucult tiem accepting that things in life are not ideal.
snce saturday 100h without nicotine. feels good.
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Again 3 days gym streak.
Also toning down my spendings on food by a lot. And cutting on sugar.
My plan of wirking deep on my health is playing out…deep fascial pattern are getting releases from my nervous system…deeply stored stress get released…all the stuff that makes my nervous system so hypersensitive and on edge…
Lets see where i am in a month.
Listening to At my worst from Cinder Vaux…wonderful song…
Everytine I envputner HS…something changes inside of me…i guess i really long for love and my heartsong…
HS1+KB1 Custom could approach soonishly…but first i wanna make atleast a one month run with what I decider to run…not because its the best…but to see of i can stick to something. To prove that to me.
Instant manifestation of HS upon just reading in the chat…i feel so much love and longing…and insee how ashamed i am of being open, vulnerable, longing, loving…
HS1, RoS would be an amazing stack…
I am having a rare moment…hxpervigilance has ended currently…also had this on monday…amazong…
I deserve to live a life out of hypervigilance…
This theraphist i planed to go to for speaking with my father…is actually quite good.
I guess ill cur out the other things i have and go to her.
Twice a month…140€…this is what incan sfford for like the rest of the year…
I kinda miss being part of something greater than me. I guess…purpose…to stand for soemthing. I usee to have this…with medicines…tantra…yoga…somehow lost or psmushed this down a year ago when i started to get out of hypervigilance and find peace (that i lost again)
I guess its time to integrate those two parts of me now…