Stayed overnight with a friend…
Just realized…how much do i fight feeling bad? How much do I fight feeling tired?
Can I accept those feelings?
And are my actions that I am taking coming from a place of wanting the thing to gonawqy because incant handle it? Or out of self love?
This theraphist called me…
And told me: my process is to much for her…it touches her own wounds very deeply…
And I feel amazing…this experience…of someone else who is in this authority postition or “above me”…to say…this is tonmuch for me…for the idealized role…to say: i am not perfect…showing vulnerable…
And at the same time…being seen in my pain, in my suffering…
I can now Accept that i truly suffer as much as i do…and that i dont make all of it somehow up …
I am realizing…it physically hurts me when i see unhappy people. And i womt fight it any longer.
This weekend was amazing.
Sitting with medicine again.
I am learning these last days how deep my issues run to my body and my nervous system.
And I made that commitment to heal it.
The word that describes my condition the best…ist hypervigilance. Such a small word…yet the core Symptom of PTSD…and it makes my life a living hell.
I want to leave that hell now. For once and for all
These new titles of subliminalclub are all so tempting…
Currenntly brainstorming what i want to run next…
These last days I calmed down a lot … Stilly healing of my hypervigilance and body is in the center of my life…and with that…is the foudnation…and it feels like i found it…my relationship to the creator…his love…and my heart givong answer to him…my heartsong so to say.
I didnt listen to it…yet it influenced me deeply.
Body and getting fit is still important…though last days i calm down and i see how much rest i need when hypervigilance isnt active.
And then i also feel…sexual energy…or lifeforece…is also in the center of life…
Yet i dont feel totaly ready yet…kb could totally disturb my sleep that i am finally finding currently…
Last title of interest is alchemist…
So something along the line of Hs1, Alchemist, Paragon (or Paragon sleep)…is i guess the direction i want to head to…even though Renaisance man sounds tempting instead of alchemist.
Still…i beliebe currently the action i take ans my behaviour is more important than the subs inlisten to.
Its astonishing how much shame there is for me connected to having a relationship with god…infeel this comes from my parents…when i became anchristian in my youth…
When I moved putting the center of my life from them to god…
Weiting this …insee though …how this is part of initiation to life.
These last days i worked with plant again that resore the nercous system not necesswrily psychedelic…yet wuite potent.
Injust did IHHT…
And for a split second…a saw the pattern break…the pattern thatvtales care of everyone else before me…the pattern that rules my life.
My innermost child cant differntiate between me and others.
My neevous system thinks it is my perception.
Durin ihht something in my breathing opened up…in an breath freely now…and that permanent feeling of drowning and soffocation is gone…something in my belly is getting relieved
So after woeking for plants for a week and a galf, i am starting subs again…for now just paragon sleep.
Not sure if i want to run alchemist, ros, HS1 or KB.
The last weeks i have realized something serious.
My body and my nervous system is neaely all the rime in a chronoc state of freeze, panic and hyperarrousal.
And i made it my upmost goal to cure thaz now.
What it costs.
I realized though…what I am going through. Has no healing in regular westeen medicine.
I am realizing that its not normal to be cut of from my pelvic area…not feeling the weigth of my body, the warmth of my flesh…my bones…the densoty…of not being able to stand still and let myself be carried by my weigth.
I made a 3 month plan of working with medicinal planta fron south america to rejenuvste my nervous system from the depths.
Also working with IHHT, hypoxie training to heal my metabolism.
My masterpiece is incoming.And instaet to really believe it: i deserve to be healthy.
Today i uncovered what i feel like os the root cause of my nervous system issues …
My brainstem is stuck in a feeling of suffocation. Because of that it tenses my throat.
This stems from birth trauma most likely.
And my prefrontal cortex needs to permanently active to overwrite this reflex in my brainstem that days: dont breath, there water in your mouth. So there is a fight inside of me of beeathing and not breathing…and because of that i cant sleep properly, relax properly and my symapthic nervous system is permanently on.
It all makes sense now…why on psychedelics incant leave my body…whey during meditation inpabic as soon as my breathing bevomes so shallow that i dont recognize it anymore…why my sleeping is bad.
Lets see…how this integrates…will need some weeks to months i guess…
But today…during hypoxy training…it felt like incoudl breathbfor the first time…that feeling of suffocating was gone for some time…
I am ao hyped for finding that out.
You have no idea.
It feels like i found the masterkey to my nervois system
Today i feel very lonely…and envious. On a friend that got a really nice job offer and is now going with the flow.
I kinda feel really lonely in my life.
Id like to live more conected to people. Single life is taking its toll.
Feels like these feelings sre here because that friend canceled our call shortterm…this really does something to me…
Vertigo…sweating…a lot is there eith these rejectipn triggers…part of me feels rejected…worthless…snd i have to tell myself…this is jsit a story my mind spins.
Feels like this is deeply connected with that feeling of suffocation.
Wow…this is a shame attack at its finest.
Did an mdma theraphy session with a friend…and it is opening up masive layers kf feelings…and also the ability tonfeel them at all…
So much has happened since that MDMA session…
The biggest thing thats happening…I am starting to be able to process the trauma sitting in my womb/belly. This pain that is seemingly intergerational trauma…that compeltley cut me off from feeling my belly and that put my nervous system in constant panic.
I am starting to realize that I was never able to process feelign and emotions in my body as far as I can remember…and so that…things can actually get processes emotionally and in the tissue…rather than just the mind.
I guess this goes much farther than I expect it tp be…and is only the beginning of a very very deep journey down into my body and down into emobied reality.
Sine some days, considering to giver alchemist a run. Could start Paragon:Sleep angain to have any sub. Yet I feel I am allready doing so much for my system and would really like to integrate all of that…
KB is definitley soemthing…yet…there is that part inside of me that wants to get where KB puts me…naturally…as I have experienced how fast subliminal gains can vanish for me…and they can act as a sort of bypass for me…lets see