It feels like subs are the thing that lets my brain escape habbktual patterns…so hard ro do that without.
Thinking about my father and my relationship tonother men in general…
Feels like there is a deep seated beliebe that others dont like and aremt feeling joy when i surpase them…and grow above.them…that intake on their envy…or their helplessness.
Or shame…
I would like to get rid of that mondset…and get intp one of brotherhood and shared joy of growth …
Feels like this is deeply rooted in a fight for woman and pussy and sexual access…
And also envy on my side that i dont have sexual access. Currently and that it had been a very rare thing in mx life.
2 rounda of gym today…like 4h total. I like this place.
Ended the day yestterday with pranyama and meditation…watching a movie was boring.
Slept really well, had a crazy dream where i told my mother to fuck off, and woke up quite relaxed today.
My body feels good and used. Will hit gym again later. Love it to move…
And there i am not alone and i can conentrate better…
Threadmill for an hour and listenong to audiobooks…
Next day. Started the day with some yoga, then went for a very short ihht session, dentist…dentist sends me to another doctor…got a appointment in not even a week…nice…
Paragon sleep seems to really put me onto a health journey aswell…
And now…gym again…
It gets easier and easier to talk to strangers and woman in gym…when Looking back at my last phase of running WB etc…i get way more outco.e independend…and more inportant… way less shame…or catastrophizing…
had an amazing release today at the dentist…it was as if I got the “spiritual imprint” of a healthy nervous system transmitted by the doctor…I coudl really let go and surrender and trust her during receiving what she was doing.
After that gym. 2h.
Hoem for food and now 2 hours of rest…my nervous syste,m switched to safety…grateful for that…
side bonus from the dentist…I had some black sediments on my teeth…she removed all of them. Better smiley face 
2 movies yesterday after gym in the evening…uncharted and spiderman. Got to be a bot late.
Yet i am quite rested.
I start to feel my body from the gym. Yet on the other side ot feels amazong. Inguess one mpre week and ill be into that cycle.
It two more days and the next acting course will start for the weekend. Maybe then ill have a gym break
It feels good to have a focus and do so much with my body.
Proud of how my day went so far. Yoga, Pranayama, Mantra, Breakfast, Neurofeedback. An d soonish ill hit the gym.
Life feels shallow…
Cloudy…
Like its missing something…
Missing something that feels all thats happening…
It kinda feels like I am missing myself…
Who am I?
What am I?
Where is that me thats beyond the ego?
Beyond the mask?
That which carries on?
I long for something deeper…
For a life more meaningful…
For something that gives my life essence…taste…
I long for…LOVE
Stayed up to late yesterday…I start to see a pattern…it happened on both the days on which I did neurofeedback…one the one hand it made my nervous system calm down…on the other hand it made me mnake unwise choices after winding down…
Good to see that pattern
Yesterday during neurofeedback I felt love again since quite some time. It was amazing.
I could step outside of myself and look at myself with a perspective of love. And at the same time…I could give love myself to that source of love.
It feels like this is a twofold process…being loved…loving something…is an inner process…its between something that I project on something and myself.
I wanna be centered…
not centered in myself.
Not centered in silence…
I wanna be centered in something deeper…
I wanna be centered in love
Though…is there a difference?
Am I something different when I approach my true nature?
Isnt my true nature love?
I wann disolve in love.
Please take me…God/Goddess…
Disolve me in love…make me love…
I wanna know why I am here
…
It feelsnlike somsthing deep is opening up currently…
And i cry over the question.
…why the fuck am i alive and here?
Whats the purpose of my life?
How the fuck do i succees in life and when does all the pain finally stop?
All the pain that is in my body…my nervous system that feelike like burning and under fire permanently…
Injust want it to stop.
Gym again today.
Slowly and steady i burn 
Startign tonsee how my mind was running my life…
Learning tondesonatize many of my issues and push them in my head.
Gym js definitley helping.
his last weeks brought a lot of changes.
-) Consistent Gym and Looking for my cardivasculat health
-) Yoga to get my body into resotration mode and take care of my muscles so they can go on with daily gym
-) Pranayama and IHHT to get my metabolism healthy again
-) New supplement and medication stack that goes more on the bodily side. Barely any psychopharmaka and most important no ritalin that makes those ups and downs every day
-) took course for the next two months and decided to do acting course.
-) got in contact with the “guru” i used to learn with again…still indecicive if this is a good idea. A part of myself tells myself to run, yet another is magnetized.
-) No more talking to AI and a lot less writing.
-) Takign care regarding my anime uptake.
-) started to read again and listen to audiobooks (this comes slowly)
-) starting to make plans regarding my future.
-) got in contact with my father again to mend and change family dynamics
this is the biggest thing currently and I feel a lot of resistance
I need to find a family theraphist.
Its time to come clean with first my father, then my mother about my health conditions and the structures in my family…and to cleanse the trauma my mother brought over me a year ago from my system. I would love to do it on my own. And slowly I start that it happens. Yet I feel like there are other steps included.
Regarding my life…MY OWN LIFE.
I sam still unsure into which direction to steer…yet I am making choices again…better to do anysthing than to steer my ship in a circle until I fidn somethign thats super clear…
Went over my Financing plan…with cutting down on theraphy…it looks okaish now. Handleable. Tehraphy indeed took a lot of money every month
And when I start to think: One lesson of theraphy costs as much as a Name embedded major…Holy Hell…or one hour of the breathign coach…costs as much as a new Custom with 3-4 newly bought cores…Holy Hell…
Somethings on today.
I saw how nicotine is bad for me and catapults me out of subflow.
I use it when unease body sensations come up anddueto that am stuck.
I need to quit.
A lot is moving iny body.
Belly, throath, diaphragm.
Heat, cold.
Today during acting class there was a task where we moved another peraons arm. Just grabbong the arm of a woman gave me anerrection.