I guss to tie it together…this last half year phase…was one of giving up. of surrendering.
And also…surrendering to a lot of things in my inside…to a lot of bad habbits…
And now I guess A time has come…to tie this together…to ignite the spark of joy again. and of love. And of purpose…(but the last one may take a while…And I want life to meet me half way there)…
Life is starting to meet me.
Just spoke with the wife of the peruvian curandero I have been drinking ayahuasca with…and he is gone to peru for a month and she actually desperatly needs some help in the household for that time. And I have the opportunity for a work away as a kindergarnder and “man of the house”. And this is in styria…so much nearer to collecting mushrooms. Going to the forest…this calmes me down a bit.
Started the day with some somatic exercises again. Even though I sleept quite bad today and woke up at around 3 or 4 am. Crazy dreams I guess.
After a nearly 5 month break…I have a date with my love again today…
Madrecita…Ayahuasca…
You are more to me than I can ever express,
you point and lead me to my soul.
There is nothing in life that I trust more,
not even myself.
Please lead me again,
to the life I don’t even dare to dream about.
Teach me the art of surrender,
of letting go completly.
Of surrender to the process of life and death.
Birth and decay.
Rebirth after rebirth.
I am scared putting out these words.
Please be gentle with me.
Like a good mother is to a baby.
Teach my body safety.
Teach me trust.
Teach me surrender.
Teach me peace.
Teach me love.
Please.
I long for it from the depth of my soul.
Gracias.
Madrecita.
Curandera grande poderosa.
Ayahuasca.
Vine of the souls.
I just researched that I could become a teacher for middlegrade children with my academic diploma and my years as university assistant. Lets see…
I am starting to see…how life without god is meaningless…and I dont want a meaningless life…though…life with to much god…also swallows one up…
Again something to find middle ground with…
I feel dissatisfied with my life. I need action. I need to sweat soonish again. I need emotions. I need to run.
Was with a friend and her dog for a nice walk and swim in a pond. Keeping myself busy and life is helping.
After swimming, we saz there and i felt the urge to scratch my balls…did so and i felt my masculine energy. I recognozed her as a woman and ingot a boner. Was nice.
Not even ashamed that she is 30 yeats older than me.
I had a nice weekend. 2 Aya ceremonies with a friend.
The first one was rough for quite some time…stomach issues. The seond was wonderful.
Though. Something changed…i dont have these crazy post ayahuasca things anymore. It feels like i am having much more stability on it.
Still. I dient get answers. Though i didnt ask for answers. And i now wanna go through life differently. Being open to life. Let life come to me.
Sleep is quite bad and hard currently. When ibam at home i will go back to neurofeedback. Just to get refulated again.
Yesterday i was in the sauna from my friend and realized how dysregulated i hab been the last days.
Going into the second ceremony regulated was amazing…and scarry…though it helped. No issue with sickness. And even though it was quite strong. No issues at all.
My stomach still hurts like crazy. Really looking forward to seeing my theraphist again in 3 days. 5 weeks bo theraphist…is bad.
Though I start to see how dependend i have become to her. And this scares me.
How dependend i have become to her and to AI.
And now that I let this go…how dependend inguess inwill become with this forum and ayahuasca again.
Lets see what those next days bring.
Definitley wanna hit the gym. Quite hard nowadays somehow as my body is very very stiff.
And not getting to much into series again. Though …i know how regulating it is… And how my adhd brain neefs stimulation. Hard.
No gym today, but went for a run. Havent been for like 2 weeks. Instant 4o-45mins run. Nice. Awesome.
Good me. I did well. And i broke my own limits.
Gogogo me.
Woke up with a nearly painful errection today night.
I masturbated 3 times this night. It felt good.
First time in months that i had access to my libido.
Sleeping very bad currently.
After 4 days of break with those ayahuqsca ceremonies i commenced listening to subs again.
0:15 of the custom and i now decided to add paragon sleep. My sleep is shit and i hope this cam change something.
Today i sense this feeling of impending danger again…i feel like this is keeping me from sleeping. Its like i have done Something wrong and someone who loves me will abandon me because of it.
Instant paragon (sleep) manifestation.
I am being reminded that i was om the rigth path wirh my long covid…and got off track…because the one doctor sent me away from the route of inflamation and sent me to thy psychiatrist for adhd…when in reality…adhd is the Symptom of the nervous system being in constant threat because of inflamation
I have high hopes that these information are key to getting well. Lets see though
Yesterday first night at hom again. On the way hoem from my friend…I had theraphy session.
And I realized…I have been looking for saving and giving away power and responsibility to her…a lot.
After that I hit the gym. 2 days streak now.
Was therte 2 hours.
Later had a talk with my ex-gf there. Was good to speak with someone who functions in life and is not only in the shamanic realms.
I came home at nearly 8pm. Stored soem things away then collapsed in bed.That freidn gave me some medications to try what will help me with sleeping. Have a psychiatric appointment in a month. Till then I want to try out some things…though…when I was at his palce…he gave me two xanax…and after taking those…I woke up really refreshed the next day…it was amazing. Though I know addiciton is real.
Something else: I found that H4CBD cannabinoid…its supposed to not show up in drug tesyts as those go to THC. But it work wonders for my emotions and my body and after I take it I can lift like in my best tiems again. I thought that Its perfect as its not suposed to show up in THC tests they use in vehicvle controls…but I did a test today…and it showed up positive…Ill have to examine that further…
2 days later.
Life is changing again.
I am finding myself again it feels.
I am starting to find interests again. Yoga, Mysticism, Yoga of Sound, Mantra, Shakta Tantra. Looks nice. Will see how this goes. Currently doing an acting course this weekend.
I am doig well.
Keeping AI use to a limit these days. Doing Really good there.
Kinda shocking…to now see wherer I led my life to…with demasking…embodying more and ore…nervous system integration…
I guess its good to take a step away from this. And my life starts to look better and better day by day.
My inner fire awakes again.
And I feel I have a direction Again. Quite spiritual in nature, yet at the same time deeply somatic healing and regulating. In a way where it wont take any theraphy anymore I guess.
I get an outlook in life again.
Nice.
Yesterday I felt the deep longing to listen to WB again. I have been sub hopping qutie some the last days since starting again. Yet, With Paragon:Sleep Ill stay, atleast for a month. Better Two. And I guess as I know myself. WB will stay aswell…Even if I dont date…Its simply such anice subliminal to get into my body, get fit, and connect to life and reality itself.
The acting course was faboulous. Amazing.
I decided to quit theraphy for now. And rather spend that money on another acting course.
I guess ill continue with WB…
Currently I have one single goal that supases all others:
GETTING HEALTHY AGAIN…
And Ill do whats needed to go for that.
Since starting to listen to Paragon Sleep last week…I had so many manifestation regarding health…
I learned that my issues arent psychological in nature…but ratzher stem from systemic inflamation in my body.
I started a supplement regime that targets this.
For sleep I have some medications to try out.
And I found another issue of this nervous system issue: cvhronic pain from the shoulder Neck, head area.
During the acting class we did some jaw excercises…my jaw relaxed…and suddenly…a pain that I didnt know that exists vanished…In my neck.
Also I learned how to work with my neck with my infrared mat.
For these psstural issues, I got recommended a physical shifting sub…thinking of running WB…not because of the Harem stuff…but because of the seduce reality aspect. It feels like WB connects me so deep with reality and manifests so much healing…it surpasses everything else. AND I guess its one of the subs with the least reconn for me.
WB+Paragon SLeep anyone? Thingking of swapping to regular paragon…but wanna give PS a bit longer…
Also, since starting with WB…I wake up with a boner in the nicht or morning…which I didnt have whole summer long…and I take as a big sign of getting more healthy.
Over an out.
I amn doing good. 
I had a deep talk with a friend about my parents…she is in her age…and knows them aswell…
She is a christian counseler. I trust her…I am sure, she coudl help to “fix the relationship” with my parents…
Something that came up again in our talk…was…how afraid I was and am of my parents…that when I do something they dont like…that love will be withdrawn. That all this we can talk about anything…were simple empty words…because with some topics…they simply gaslighted me…I guess because they were overchallengedd with those topics themselves.
But yes…this cognitive dissonance…between the perfect world that was created with words on the one side…and then reality…created a split in my mind…and I guess I created a role in the family…where I simply showed up haypp as the perfect son…and doing all of thise…took its toll…
2h of gym today! BOSSMODE 
My sleep is getting better and better it seems…even though i fell after gym yesterday into an anime and tv spiral…under that…was a feeling of boredom…i need somethig different to do…for after gym…that stimulates my mind…yet where my body can rest…i guess reading is the answer.
Starting the day today with movement and joy
Gym again today.
Using subs again does me good.
Starting to feel the nervous system regulation scripting…and feeling again switching fron sympathetic to parasympathtic mode…scarry.