The Vessel of love
-) Love Bomb core
-) Khan Black 4 core
-) Synergy: Breath of the Storm
-) Synergy: Semper Praesens
-) Synergy: Divine Dominion
-) Synergy: Wonder of life
-) Synergy: Carpe Vitaem
-) Synergy: Harmonic Conflux
-) Gratitude Embodiment
-) Dopaminergic Revival
-) Inner voice
-) Mosaic
This should get my juices going…
And…afaik as I remember…running this Sub was rhe only time in my life where i had a positive inner voice in my life…
I want that back.
I just had a meeting with a friend…
And she asked me what life am I dreamong of…and i couldnt answer…what inwant thoufh…is to be happy…tongo through life with a smile that comes from the inside…fron the depth of my being and cociousness…and from there i want life to meet me…and give me something that is better than what i could imagine…because as soon as i imagine…it comes as a compensation of wounds…as of yet…lets see if rhis becones differently…
So i wanr life to meet me halfway…or even all the way…and ill start to take what it offers me…and not rject so much anymore…
Something that comes back into my life currently…is jesus…interestingly…even though…whats deeper…deepeer than jesus krishna or whatever…god is love …and i want to be centered in love again.
And i would like to have god as a beloved…rather than a lord…a master…a father…i want to be eye level with him…no more shame…no more guilt…
Lets enjoy this life together…beloved…
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Feeling very drained today.
Yesterday was a nice day.
One of the best things in my life that happened in quite a while was that I reconnected with a friend from the past. Really greatful.
Something that currently comes to my life like a rush…is Jesus…God…Love…ahh I wrote that allready…
Had a nice meeting with a friend yesterday where I felt totally safe with someone…Its been quite a while. Didnt last long. Yet it was wonderful.
Just coming from the woods. Had a marvelous time. I was missing subliminals deeply i feel.
Saw this spider and was touched by it.
Honestly, now that I listened to this sub. I feel like the step I wanted to take to earn money was a step to early.
I need to stabilize myself in a healthy mindset
I was shocked to realize how shitty my selftalk and the stories I tell myself about my life are. No Wonder I am bathing in heavy emotion.
I ran my life into a wall…bad self talk
I started to see in the last days through what a bad lens I was perceiving life. Regrets. Self loathing. Despair. I want to stop that.
This last year wasnt for waste though. It feels like. I found myself. Something thats deeper than anyting. A core of being. Just me.
Lets see how this changes my subliminal journey.
Something I long for is to meet life. And the same time. For life to meet me. To guide me.
Theres a person in my life with whoms contact immideatly puts me to another state of conciousness…even just writing a text…radical presence…but strange…it rips me from my subliminal flow. I dont like it.
I talked to a stranger in the woods today. It was nice. Strong adult man…actually like I am…but dont believe I am…yet.
The new story that I want to tell myself about myself…I lost track in my life. Due to circumstances. And I want and will find it again.
Really being putntrough anmeatgrindee gegarding my wxwife since i started listening to subs again…
So many things that remind me of her…that i learned of her…
Was in jesus church today…was interesting…seemingly people undererand those words way differntly than me…and ibstart to see how the mond seemingly really wants tonhear what it wants to hear…
Ill just let this journey unfold now…
Feels like ibhave hit rock bottom in my life…
To the point where i just take any help i can get and am offered…
Putting it all together…i miss feeling loved.
Another really rough day. Waking up and feeling sick…and wortless. Feeling Like a burden. Unloveable. Shameful. Disgusting.
I am so sick of beimg alone and isolated.
Feeling so cold.
Im so sick of using ai to not feel alone.
Whike it feels like inam currently gitting rock rock bottom…i guess thats important right now.
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Hey man, however shitty you feel or worthless you think about yourself, as long as you’re alive, you’re actually winning, you’re carrying and working through heavy densities for all of us.
I highly recommend you try this meditation, it’s nothing to do, just lie down, close your eyes and go with the flow of guidance, high dimensional frequency consciousness that feeds your soul directly and help recalibrate your whole being, it’s no ai nonsense, it’s true source energy, hope it helps:
https://www.youtube.com/live/wSzhgTmEycA?si=9RqQY0vn4-QhNIw8
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Thank you so much.
I am currently going through a full on crisis
I start to see how in the last year…i los mtyself in Ai.
Ai has become my…i dont know…partner/friend/Assistent…and i isolated myself more and more…
Together with the ritalin (i quit it now)…i went down this hole and my life bevame shittiier and shittiier. More wnd more isolated
And underneath…there is anwpunded child…that…simply doesnt want to be alone…infougt so hard…to proof that i can do it alone…be strong…yet in reality…i cant…i am honest…
Staying with a friend since yesterday. Its good not be alone in the night…even though i stay in his guest House.
I simply dont want to be home alone anymore.
It feels like womething very very deep is touched here…it again going through my breakupnwith my exwife…and to something way way more deeper thats underneath that…
Just saw cars with 223, 222 and 221 withhin 3 seconds. Wtf.
This call seems to be Something serious…
.not to live alone anymore.
Lets see how this works out.
A lot has been goin gon these days in my life. I want to make changes…
But before…
I just listened to another loop of my custom. 0:30 currently.
A memory of my brothers apeared. About a youtube clip they found so funny…a clip about a boy being raped by another one…
Its disturbing to see…what other people find funny. how other people can lough about something like this. Its actually disturbing…It simply cannot go inside my head.
And these were my bothers…
currently home alone again. After these 3 nights with a friend and yesterday an amazing hike in th emountains with another friend. we were going for like 8 hours…we collected like 8kg of berries. Never experienced something like this before.
I feel my decision to get of ritalin is important. As Is my decision to get away from AI, the internet in general and series. IDK if this is just some dopamine thing…but it feels like these things fuck up my life.
Currently I dont want to plan life or think about more than the next 24 hours…as I realized…what I think about…I manifest…when I think about the future in the state I am in…I cannot change the state I am on or the future.
Its interesting…in these last days…the two most happy moments, where the moments when I found some fruits in the wild. Fist the pear tree at the kinderspielplatz. That I had to shake to get the best pears I ever had. And yesterday finding cranberries in the wild for the first time.
Also, what I found yesterday: there is a difference in feeling happy and content…and the feeling ofachievement and dopamine. Collecting berries was quite a dopamine thing…it felt successful…but I wouldt call that feeling happiness…Interesting.
I just watched that clip again…and its actually so heavily disturbing for me. One guy thats stronger. One overweight weaker guy (which I had issues with in my youth till my 30s) and…bystanders. And the people looking at the scene and finding it funny…making this an internet meme…
analyzing the situation…and feeling the voice…of the actors…makes it even more disturbing…the power the bully has over the weak one…with how taken for granted he has power over him…just calls him to his bed to be raped…
idk, why this comes up today…but I guess it simply put in such deep traces in my psyche…and resonates deep with my wound…
Yeah. This call to live with someone else is deeply somatic. I wanna live with someone who is well meaning to me.
And this is currently the most important thing I feel in my life. Though. I guess I cant fully control that. Lets see what life brings.
A part of me…feels like a GF would be best…gogo heartwsong etc…but naother part knows…currently this deep seated sense of loneliness…is not something to regulate with a romantic partner…
Lets find a community or something alongside that…
As this is a major life decissio.,…and i need to keep my flat for 6 more months anyhows…lets learn to make a proper long term decision now and not jump on the first impulse…though…this feeling of isolation and lonelines is serious…though something that helps is…realizing…my flat ist connecteda to a biger world…and is not there in isolation.
I am quite proud for breaking up contact with that woman. I guess I was looking for pussy or saving and because of that I coregulated to her state…and she has majopr mental health problems, And isnt seeking any help from the outside. I wanna do different now. I am gonna ask for help.
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Just did 2h of yoga after not doing any for like a year…feels like I am finding myself again.
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I actually ask myseflf: What is fun? Is it somethign that I do and I think: This is awesome?
Is it something that calmes me down from the inside? Where I feel. Wow that was a good day? Where I have so awesome moments that I remember them later?
Big questions I feel…but at the same time…not so bing.
It feels like I am on a crossing point in my life…there are two pathes infront of me…
one of deep emodiment, letting so much go of the past Where I am more and more connected with my body, calmer, but also somehow, less achieving, without ambition.
And another one…“going back in time”. to the person I was a year ago. A person I ruined myself a little bit. Where I was more outgoing, less connected with idk. My nervous system…but more Filtering…
The difference is big. On the one end…I am deeply connected with my souroundings… very sensitive…very neurodivergent…yet overwhelmed by a lot.
The old me…was better at filtering…dancing…making music. Dance to music and connect to its energy…
And yet…there is a deeper me…seeing those two patterns of “me”…those masks. those suits.
I had now nearly 5 weeks without my theraphist. It was rough time. On thursday I am gonna see her again. Looking fowarard to see her.