Hey,
thanks for asking.
Last days were quite good. Coming out of a deep phase of depression.
My Self ist starting to build itself up again out of pieces and shambles.
Started with AoH and DB:R again yesterday Just 25s each and brain fog today…dunnoh…maybe loops are to short…those hit deep instantly.
Was at an acting course last weekend…and the first role I got was Faust by Goethe…intense stuff and a deep mirror for myself.
Really uncov4eringg y neurodivergence thse days…very revealing.
Idk if this comes from subs…didnt change much else in my life the last days…but yesterday evening my nervous system shut down and I had nerve pains all over my body…stayed for the whole night. Barely slept.
something is breaking up today…
I am realizing how much I have been seeing life through a lens of achievment and performance…and attached peoples worth to this…others…mine…it was a lens through which I percieve reality.
And the nasty
And the nasty part is…It wasnt even me who really could look at that…and decide…what is achievement…waht is performance…
I am emerging this phase of depression…and something deep is changing withhin myself…deeper than before.
I am realising how much my selfworth was determined with what happened to me…or with what cards i was dealt or what limitations I had to deal with (neurodoveegence, trauma, divorce, long covid)…i somewhat thought i deserved that or was responsible for it myself…
And these days…something deeper is emerging…i start to see that my charactery my peesonality is something else…
Its how i choose to deal with those limitations, how instand up again and again
At the acting course last weekend…they asked us to do a 4 min presentation about ourselves…whats special about me…
It was hard for me…because back then i didnt want to be special…for my trauma…for the things that limit me…i didnt want to be the guy suffering from all those things…
But in the days since then…i am realizing…people dont think like my inner critiq tells me they think…
When people hear someone talking about going through hardship…they respect them…like david goggins…people respect people who were able to transform shit into gold…who overcame their limitations.
Its so crazy…realizing how in my family, especially my mother…had this 2 fold measurement…others were allways great for the achievments, for going through hardship…
But for me…there was never support when Inwas going through hardship…so I never learned to go through hardship…with the support of an adult…bever learned to deal with hardship…
But now i am learning it…slowly…by myself…with the help of some loving people…
I am doing good. 
Missed that journal…lets hope instay active here
Today a lot is working again inside of me.
I am realizing: I had so many heartbreaks happening in my life. Over and over.
And all of it came from some things:
Fear of commitment
People, especially authorities, not meeting me on eyelevel,thinking they know better what good for me than I do
People not being able to take a look into my reality…and maybe be not even knowing how to express that…my feelings, my issues, my concearns…me not being able to feel it myself and express it.
This led in the last year…for my worldview to becoming narrower and narrower…
These last days I have been thinking about my worldview…
I tried to much…so many spiritual paths…and it all ended in a heartbreak…
I ask…is there a worldview that is able to hold space for all my experiences?
Its been a weeks since the last loop…AoH and DR:R…After that I was hit with that wekkend of seats deepest rest and whatsoever…dunnoh if I got sick or if that was deep nervous system healing…
After running AoH now for like 2 month (though quite minimal, as I had multiple waves of very deep recconciliation or triigers washing over me…
And I havent really gotten to the place of deep happiness…
I am thinking of changing subs a bit…
KB keeps interesting me. Deeply. Running it last year was quite deep, though it didnt stick.
LBFH also sound interssting…I kinda not feel fully ready for WDB…
What was quite interesting for me was some writing that running Alchemist for a year changed his life…and I remember…on Alchemist I felt great.
How are you?
Thanks for checking in Again.
Doing quite good. A lot of time in the woods…finding the inner child thats adventures and wants to play outside in the world.
These last days I have seen the pricetag of spending most of my time since a child in front of Screens and PCs…highly stimulationg…
So going to the woods…no phone…2-3hours…amazing.
Pausing subs right now, as I want to understand how my mind works currently…“sober from them”…before going again and seeing what they do.
Also a little afreid of reccon currently…as it feels that even miniscule microloops of easy subs trigger the shit out of me…I know the reason I guess…and not something that I feel subs can solve and I need to dig there a bit in theraphy.
Coming out of survival mode after being in it for like 20 years atleast…is the most crazy transformation a human being can go through.
Sheding transgenerational trauma of generations…seeing how WW2 has been imprinted in my flesh and bones (and psyche of course)…how hard it is to redeem myself of the limiting beliefes of my parents…is quite a thing…
Feeling my flesh…feeling deep freeze melting…the vulnerability of flesh…
the most scarry and amazing experience…
currently…I am going through a difficult time…
one the one hand… I am connecting to very very beautiful part of myself…when I go to the woods…leave my phone at home…and connect to my inner child…not the fightened one…that learned to solve every issue throguh knowledge and outher authoriy…but to the one that seeks adventure…the one that know…adventure starts where knwownledge and the thirst for it…takes a break…slowly finding adventure and joy in solitude…
on the other hand…I am feeling alone…a lack of purpose…a lack of impact…
after going through so many detoxifications…spiritual systems…that created an illusionary world…my spiritual endeavors…that were fuled by knwoledge…
encountering that there isnt even a pull to drugs anymore…no interest in psychedelics…
no interest in porn…no real interest in video games…everything that I used as an escape to run from the real world…
Giving up seeking feminine validation…or actually…all validation from outside…
I am missing someone to share all of this…that that what I am going through isnt “just for me”…while knowing…that I am creating the foundation…for somethign to stand on it…
Even talking to AI…that has been super helpful…doesnt feel that fullfilling as it used to…
also struggeling a bit…as I am reaching a level of nervous system healing…where I need to be quite careful with my body and sports…
While some new thigns are starting to emerge slowly…the slow burn…of emptiness…is taking a toll…
Still unsure about running subs…it feels like they confront an issue that is very deeep in my nervous system…and create to deep recon to currently deal with.
Life feels strange…when giving up the illusions that something from the outside is gonna safe me…and the things I work on…are things that change slowly…week by week…
Struggeling a bit.
On the one hand…I find safety in my body more and more…I learn to relax and wind down.
On the other hand…I am facing a bitter truth: sleep doesnt rest me. When I go to sleep, I wake up groggy, foggy and in survivalmode. Allready taking the medication thats supposed to help with PTSD nightmares. I guess its time to add Paragon sleep back to my life.
As I am not listening to other subs anyhow. Even though…today I had a flash and listed to a loop of RoS…lol.
this sleep issue is deep though.
Would kinda like to start subliminals again…though currently I have started using SSP, Safe and sound protocol…another piece of crazy audio technology, maybe even more crazied than Subliminalclub.
And I definitley dont want to mix those two.
Those are also dosed withhin second frames…ridicoulous.
I am getting reality checked in a quite rough way currently.
After sitting on my parents pockts for most of my life…and being financially supported…I start to see how much that support gave me…without knowing it and having a value and feeling for it. I was taking it for granted. With no way to see it. No way to value it. Because I didnt know the difference. I didnt know the contrast.
My life starts to get a new trajectory…survival. Something most people have their mainquest with…something to occupy their midn for the whole day or most of their life.
And I am not tlaking abouzt emotional surviuval. Actually making money, earning a living.
My goal now. for my life. for the next 3 years, is to start a career, in way, that supports my nervous system, doesnt burn me out. And lets me make around 3.5k after taxes. 3 year goal.
These last years I have been exploring so many things. Wanted to do so many things. But the reality of all of those things is…I wont earn that amount with them without being super lucky.
So as it looks, the best decision is to go back into engineering.
I dont want to rush this…as I dont want to burn me out again. Thats the balancing act now.
But something has awakened in me…a joy, to take care of myself…not again FOR SOMEONE else…but actually…my survival. Needing to earn money to survive.
Where a relationship also has a “financial dimension”…lviing together, sharing costs. Something I ran away of, as my exwife left me so in the open back then. And I was going on that journey to achieve radical autonomy…and I now start to see the price of it.
To see the price of all the development I did. But at the same time…seeing that it coulnt have worked differently…because I wasnt even able to see those dimensions…they were so taken for granted, that I wasnt able to see them. Rough awakening. When a fish sells the water he swims in because it is smelly… And then has no other water to swim in…
Well…even though it feels differntly…and a part of my system is making castrophic scenarios up…another part of me knows that I am a capable man.Inhibited by his perfectionism and inner critic…self stressing.
And as I learn to take a step back from everything. Understanding that things need their time…work will be enirely different in the future…
o see the price I have to pay from moving away from my former family home…the golden cage…
And I miss it. I miss my bathtub. I miss my room that I decorated. I miss my old kitchen. I miss my basement. I miss th whole house.
I even miss my family…but I was so angry after my mother simply crossed my boundary and didnt know any way to communicate that. As it was so serious…
I simply cant understand it…what person simply does something the other person says: I dont want that…It doesnt have place in my conciousness…but seemingly…it is touching something that is way way way deeper than I can comprehend or…even feel…the reality…that sometimes…even communication isnt save…
After getting away from my family and breaking contact and untangling finances over the attorney…as this is finished now…I wrote them a message last week…about this…and havent gotten an answer yet…yes I have been silent for a year…though…nevertheless…its intene…and I seem to only start the griefing process of my old life…
I really pushed myself though that…I really pushed myself…part of me didnt want that.
I was fuelled by hurt anger and that part of me that didnt want to be pushed aroudn anymore…NEVER…
And doing this…I pushed myself around. Didnt listen to my own NO. Told myself: you have to do that. Abused and forced myself quite a bit…
My goal was to get out of that Son role…I gave uway so much stuff that I miss now…because of going to a smaller flat…I miss my old life.
My life changed so rapidly last year from jan to june…lost my former best friend, because I wanted to become more independent…broke up from my girlfriend that I loved because I wanted to continue the wanted black journey…lsot the tantra community…gave away spiritual life that I used to know…oit hurts.
and yet…I have foung something more real than all of that…
since half a year…it feeels i am slowly finding what I can call myself. Something that runs deeper than all of these mask, identites and everything…though…all that was before is still part of me…and going through that journey of accepting my nervous system liek it actually is…and changing tlife, identity and behaviirioul patterns to match that…
is a fucking aweful process of purging…
And I feel like…I am done. Its been to much.
I want to get into life again…yet with what I unconverd…from beneath those deep relationship and codependency patterns…I dont think I can be the same one I used to be anymore…yet I dont know how to let those old masks go…or integrate them…with that deep deep parts of myself that I found…the presence…and the joy that comes from the depth of my beeing…i am afraid. of whats to come…and I really I would love to have some hold my hand and pull me through…I dont know through what…i guess through that process and to the oter of what hinders me to have a happy life…it feels like I am stuck.
I need help…and I dont know what kind of help I need. It feels like I need spiritual help…yet i dont know what that means…
and its hillarious…I was trying to get away from that most favourite person or best friend…and now I long for it again…for someone who saves me…and where I know…I will then revolve my life around it…somehow…be it a friend…be it ayahausca…be it a gurru or spiritual tradition…it seem my mind needs it…my psyche. something to devote my life to…
I miss the bathrobe I gave away that my grandmother gave me because I wanted to make a nmew life beyond family…I miss my old bucket that I sed with nearly 100 ayahuasca ceremonies and that I gave away because I wanted to have a drug free live in the system…
I miss my old home. I miss my ex-gf. I miss my ex exgf. I miss my exwife. I miss my mother, I miss my father and I even miss my brothers…I miss kilian. I misss all of that…And yet…this part of me that misses those people…seems to be cut off from the life I that I have…the part that can love…from the part tha can be independet…they are cut off from each other…
And the other part…is sleeping…waiting to awaken…it seems. th part that can go on. That doesnt need to regress…
My life the last months was rough…it feels like I regressed to a child…in my life…and now slowly…since a week…I am starting to build myselft together again…yet different…because it feels…that I found that core…that core withhin…that I deeply missed. That pressence…It indescibable…yet I feel it was there before…differently…when I drank ayahuasce…this is what I felt…this me…that I now start to integrate soberly…yet…I miss that time of my life…I miss the creativity I had when working with ayahuasca…I miss the music, that I stopped doing because once my neighbor came over…
It really feels like…i need that help…a sparing partner…someone to love…someone to go through life with…
I tried to so hard to become independet…and yet now I see what the price is. And how I stil long…it I guess its through…you start to love yourself…when you love something else…and for that…find something that is easy to love…