Hey,
thanks for asking.
Last days were quite good. Coming out of a deep phase of depression.
My Self ist starting to build itself up again out of pieces and shambles.
Started with AoH and DB:R again yesterday Just 25s each and brain fog today…dunnoh…maybe loops are to short…those hit deep instantly.
Was at an acting course last weekend…and the first role I got was Faust by Goethe…intense stuff and a deep mirror for myself.
Really uncov4eringg y neurodivergence thse days…very revealing.
Idk if this comes from subs…didnt change much else in my life the last days…but yesterday evening my nervous system shut down and I had nerve pains all over my body…stayed for the whole night. Barely slept.
something is breaking up today…
I am realizing how much I have been seeing life through a lens of achievment and performance…and attached peoples worth to this…others…mine…it was a lens through which I percieve reality.
And the nasty
And the nasty part is…It wasnt even me who really could look at that…and decide…what is achievement…waht is performance…
I am emerging this phase of depression…and something deep is changing withhin myself…deeper than before.
I am realising how much my selfworth was determined with what happened to me…or with what cards i was dealt or what limitations I had to deal with (neurodoveegence, trauma, divorce, long covid)…i somewhat thought i deserved that or was responsible for it myself…
And these days…something deeper is emerging…i start to see that my charactery my peesonality is something else…
Its how i choose to deal with those limitations, how instand up again and again
At the acting course last weekend…they asked us to do a 4 min presentation about ourselves…whats special about me…
It was hard for me…because back then i didnt want to be special…for my trauma…for the things that limit me…i didnt want to be the guy suffering from all those things…
But in the days since then…i am realizing…people dont think like my inner critiq tells me they think…
When people hear someone talking about going through hardship…they respect them…like david goggins…people respect people who were able to transform shit into gold…who overcame their limitations.
Its so crazy…realizing how in my family, especially my mother…had this 2 fold measurement…others were allways great for the achievments, for going through hardship…
But for me…there was never support when Inwas going through hardship…so I never learned to go through hardship…with the support of an adult…bever learned to deal with hardship…
But now i am learning it…slowly…by myself…with the help of some loving people…
I am doing good. 
Missed that journal…lets hope instay active here
Today a lot is working again inside of me.
I am realizing: I had so many heartbreaks happening in my life. Over and over.
And all of it came from some things:
Fear of commitment
People, especially authorities, not meeting me on eyelevel,thinking they know better what good for me than I do
People not being able to take a look into my reality…and maybe be not even knowing how to express that…my feelings, my issues, my concearns…me not being able to feel it myself and express it.
This led in the last year…for my worldview to becoming narrower and narrower…
These last days I have been thinking about my worldview…
I tried to much…so many spiritual paths…and it all ended in a heartbreak…
I ask…is there a worldview that is able to hold space for all my experiences?
Its been a weeks since the last loop…AoH and DR:R…After that I was hit with that wekkend of seats deepest rest and whatsoever…dunnoh if I got sick or if that was deep nervous system healing…
After running AoH now for like 2 month (though quite minimal, as I had multiple waves of very deep recconciliation or triigers washing over me…
And I havent really gotten to the place of deep happiness…
I am thinking of changing subs a bit…
KB keeps interesting me. Deeply. Running it last year was quite deep, though it didnt stick.
LBFH also sound interssting…I kinda not feel fully ready for WDB…
What was quite interesting for me was some writing that running Alchemist for a year changed his life…and I remember…on Alchemist I felt great.
How are you?
Thanks for checking in Again.
Doing quite good. A lot of time in the woods…finding the inner child thats adventures and wants to play outside in the world.
These last days I have seen the pricetag of spending most of my time since a child in front of Screens and PCs…highly stimulationg…
So going to the woods…no phone…2-3hours…amazing.
Pausing subs right now, as I want to understand how my mind works currently…“sober from them”…before going again and seeing what they do.
Also a little afreid of reccon currently…as it feels that even miniscule microloops of easy subs trigger the shit out of me…I know the reason I guess…and not something that I feel subs can solve and I need to dig there a bit in theraphy.
Coming out of survival mode after being in it for like 20 years atleast…is the most crazy transformation a human being can go through.
Sheding transgenerational trauma of generations…seeing how WW2 has been imprinted in my flesh and bones (and psyche of course)…how hard it is to redeem myself of the limiting beliefes of my parents…is quite a thing…
Feeling my flesh…feeling deep freeze melting…the vulnerability of flesh…
the most scarry and amazing experience…