Running AoH since a week. And goong through intense healing. I feel more than regeneration.
Currently i am approaching a point where my nervous system starts to slowly trst going out of survival mode. Slowly. Letting rhe guard down that i had my wholy life. Tension in the body. Down tonthe facia.
I am starting to feel vulnerable. Not emotionally, but on a bodily level. Soft flesh. It feels amazing…and death scarry at the Same time.
AoH run is going well.
I feel like my relationship to subs has changed…as i take life way more easy nowadays.
No more 2 cusrom with 4 hard title stacks 
Though i have to say…i am starting ro get interester in runnin KB again…
And after now 1 year of being single…
I am co sidering jumping onto the W:DB train…but ill let that simmer in slowly.
Today, after a crani sacral session, I felt happy for the first time in a long time. A first seed was sown.
lately I am going through a lot of deep shit. Parentification. Deep shame. Guilt. Inner critic.
I had a lot of joyful experiences today. Bought some birthday gifts for myself. And for a friend.
What I am struggeling most is…I do the right things in my life, but either they feel wrong…or it is just a fleeting moment of happiness that can be shoved away by the wind easily.
Lets see hwo this changes.
I had a really good week. Until yesterday evening where I got a birthday message from my brother. This triggered a cascade of guilt and shame attacks. Barely didnt sleep any.
So angry to feel to powerless about those family triggers.
And disgusted to see how deep this parentification goes that I put other peoples emotional wellbeing over my own nervous systems health.
Today, after cranio sacral theraphy something deep happened…something broek withhin me. A barrier that somehowe kept the pain and heavyness don inside of me. All the heavy load I carrried all my life surfaced. I went out of denial.
And I started to see all the pain my inner child…or I…carried. How I please everyone else around me…but me.
Its a pain that crying doesnt make easier to bear. Something I cant look away from.
And that feels so true…that I dont want to run away from anymore.
Dont want to dissociate away from anymore.
very tired and foggy today…I upped myloop length 2 loops ago…2 mins, afaik Brain fog and this fogginess is some reccon thing right?
Simply wow. After getting through the reccon yesterday…i had a really nice day. and today was a really really beautiful day.
Starting to like life again.
As I am starting to do things releaxed without feeling bad about them.
Considering running KB again…I feel very cut of from my sexual energy.
KB is quite intense tough…maybe something else that has some sexual energy scripting.
though I want to get to a point where this energy is available…and not necessarily flowing to woman…to get to the point where woman flow to me XD…while I am focused on my purpose
Hey man, Alchemist Singularity has energetic cultivation scripting, much softer than KB but you need to engage in some form of practice or be intentional to an extent to benefit the most.
Also Wanted has good energetic scripting, a 1 or 2min loop is plenty to initiate that sense of connection with your sexual energy.
Ty man,
ill keep those in mind. W:DB is actually on my list.
cant sleep…having some very deep belly pain
Last days wre rough. Very triggering. Was again in a deep shame attack.
Found a new theraphist.
Lateley though. It seems a lot is changing. On a subtle level. A level though that affect every area of MY LIFE.
Starting to see how my life was so focused on others…and slowly but surely…seing what MY LIFE actually looks like. And stopping to judge my self for myself.
As those last days were so intense I paused subs again.
It feels like I am starting to see a pattern here…3-5 loops of a sub…and something deeper hits me…something that makes me pause subs. But also something that is to deep to simply process on the getgo.
Something I deeply encounter is how my mind used to work.
It feel like I was allways playing a game of: become like this and this will happen…and it created a lot of bitterness…because THIS was this feeling of being okay.
The last months I lived my life differently…just looking what emerges fom the inside. No more trying of becoming. This also has made me give up my ambition…and put my nervous system on a higher level. Not allowing dysregulation to create drive.
I guess its a process to start to allow ambition to happen from th inside…rather than something I need to achieve to become okay or worthy.
These last day man…
wooooooow…
It feels like the architecture of my mind is changing. As if a new layer of self awareness is added to my conciousness.
Ill wait a little while longer before starting with subs again.
It feels like for me…I dont need many loops. This last cycle was 5 loops of around 30s-1:30…maybe I go to high to fast…but at some point dep stuff is happening (even though these things came out this time in trauma theraphy, where I needed some days afterwards to stabilize myself).
The first loops allways bring out some deep subflow on the first day or second…and then after soem time it gets to the point where life gets really rough…
Lets observe this pattern longer.
could be that I go back to KB after this break…I long for what I experienced last year…back then I was using it in conjunction with ayahuasca…wont be doing it now…
I was running my custom with it…would start another run from st1 on…
not necissarily for sexual energy…but to get this pelvic floor opening and basic security
Last 2-3 weeks I started to review my relationship to nicotine. Yesterday I quit.
There is a lot going on in my life. Identity reorganization.
Started with AoH yesterday again…30s loops…will see if the patern of a deep recon wave after like 4 loops will hit again…maybe it was to much.
Still going into the deepest corners of my mind, how my mind operates, how my brain functions, how it creates realities and how it operates. I feel like those 1-2 Weeks washouts really help.
It feels like I am still only learning how to use my mind and not be used by it.
Currently considering starting W:DB…Will wait a bit llonger as I am trying not to sub hop anymore…maybe again one cycle of AoH…how long it may be…
Looking for something that helps me connect to people, go out.
At the same time it feels like the level of whcih I connect with people is going deeper and deeper. Every meeting…and it may be jsut a talk of 5 minutes…does so much…
At the same time…it feels like I am becoming more and more neurodivergent…as my nervous system settles down.
Currently I am learning to, at the same time be in my feelings…and be above them at the same time…not only one of the two.
Now over a week of tobacco. 2 fallbacks.
I kinda miss it.
On the other hand my mind is more calm, more in idle state.
A lot of hard feelings currently here…my heart is closed currently. Quite depressed mood.
Not really in the mood for anything, and heavy feelings make it hard to move.
Going through waves of grif about last GF, from last year…that I broke up with to go down the Wanted Black journey…Life happened though and showed me the deepest patterns insde of me…that I am currently resolving. SO much solitude.
Struggeling with a lack of meaning. Living day by day may seem quite spiritual…but on the other hand…without future there is no real drive to walk into the future.
There is a lot of regret. And a lot of resignation.
A very very deep pain in my belly is coming to the surface…especially in the evening…I could cry like an hour every evening…some evenings I am able to go there…some evenings a part of me blocks and goes into coping mechanisms…I guess that some sort of titration that I learn of in trauma theraphy.
Currently exploring the very deep fabrics of my mind. How it can create realities in instants. How my whole thinking can be overtake by the smallest things. How my mind projects energy into the future and sets me up for demise.
Life currently is very very hard again.
Starving for touch, and on the other hand my trauma is emerging in a way that I feel so triggered being touched.
How are you?