Running AoH since a week. And goong through intense healing. I feel more than regeneration.
Currently i am approaching a point where my nervous system starts to slowly trst going out of survival mode. Slowly. Letting rhe guard down that i had my wholy life. Tension in the body. Down tonthe facia.
I am starting to feel vulnerable. Not emotionally, but on a bodily level. Soft flesh. It feels amazing…and death scarry at the Same time.
AoH run is going well.
I feel like my relationship to subs has changed…as i take life way more easy nowadays.
No more 2 cusrom with 4 hard title stacks 
Though i have to say…i am starting ro get interester in runnin KB again…
And after now 1 year of being single…
I am co sidering jumping onto the W:DB train…but ill let that simmer in slowly.
Today, after a crani sacral session, I felt happy for the first time in a long time. A first seed was sown.
lately I am going through a lot of deep shit. Parentification. Deep shame. Guilt. Inner critic.
I had a lot of joyful experiences today. Bought some birthday gifts for myself. And for a friend.
What I am struggeling most is…I do the right things in my life, but either they feel wrong…or it is just a fleeting moment of happiness that can be shoved away by the wind easily.
Lets see hwo this changes.
I had a really good week. Until yesterday evening where I got a birthday message from my brother. This triggered a cascade of guilt and shame attacks. Barely didnt sleep any.
So angry to feel to powerless about those family triggers.
And disgusted to see how deep this parentification goes that I put other peoples emotional wellbeing over my own nervous systems health.
Today, after cranio sacral theraphy something deep happened…something broek withhin me. A barrier that somehowe kept the pain and heavyness don inside of me. All the heavy load I carrried all my life surfaced. I went out of denial.
And I started to see all the pain my inner child…or I…carried. How I please everyone else around me…but me.
Its a pain that crying doesnt make easier to bear. Something I cant look away from.
And that feels so true…that I dont want to run away from anymore.
Dont want to dissociate away from anymore.