A life worth living and dying for - MechaShaman

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#682

I guess these big goals and this inner need to achieve comes from self worth issues…binding my worth to outcome…and also realizing: my inner critic takes everything that not ideal as wrong (perfectionism).

Yesterday I saw an anime…and there was this small childlike warrior goddes…who wants to be praised after the battle for her amazing fighting skills…and the badass protagonist says: No I wont praise you for the battle…but good that you are alive…

This did something to me…taking worth not for achieving. But for being. For making a small step. And letting the outcome open…or be something entirely different.

I am making so many steps. Every day. But it used to fail to register. So many things that I do right. so many “wrong things” I dont do every day. But I still run after the perfect life…only if I achieve this i allow myself to feel good…

I had a thought after gym yesterday during shopping…Would I allow myself to reach enlightenment or self realization? Would I deem myself worthy of that? And while this is still on the axis of worth for doing…I thought…yes…actually I have put in enough effort, pain, time and money to allow myself to feel worthy enought to reach that tipping point where suddenly life becomes easy. I feel it. There are parts of me that are unsure, that get unsure when I write this…But atleast…there is a part (and it feels quite big) inside of me that feels that I am worthy. Worthy that change can be easy. That good things happen to me, without having to earn them anymore. For good to come to me effortlessly (though I wont stop putting in effort into my life anyhow…but maybe with a grin out of joy and not out of lack)…

This kinda started some days ago…where I found a discount voucher in my stairhouse…and I realized a childish thinking pattern thats deeply connected to karma: Something good happened to me…So it seems I did something rigth…That struck me like lightning. Where these spiritual ideas of you are the creator of your reality…led me to take responsibility for everything…someone look bad at me? I did something wrong…traffic jam and I come late? I did something wrong. I took this saying of instant karma way to serious…or my mind did.
I am learning more and more how my mind operates and how to discern what thinking patterns are good for me or not…and also realizing: for my brain some thinking patterns that are good for others…ruin me and make mentally sick…because my mind condenses them on and on and on…and that either makes me maniac…or depressed…

And especially with thinking patterns that are self amplifiying…like this spiritual believes of: the universe doesnt make faults, you are part of the universe, so you are not faulty**…okay…so this spins then in my brain so fast that it creates: there are no random events. everything that happens has meaning. Every small thing (even as a bug flying into my eye) wants to show me somthiung…and this brings my mind to overclock…aka psychosis (maybe functional psychosis)…like in the last year I learned how believe systems like human design that cant be fully verified or invalidated are impossible for my mind to decipher…I just start to live by it. and it becomes my reality. So deep that I even start to project it onto others and start to see the corresponding energies around people.
And all it is based onto is the time of my birth…and for me this lead in a lot of cases to a lot of bitterness, staying in my comfort zone and not working on things that I should be working on. Basically my mind works in a way that upon hearing this is you, and this is your wound it starts to create that pattern inside of me…and what is inbetween? THE NEVERENDING INNER CRITIC that shames me for ego, notself, living from my wound or whatever…

#683

Learning today of one of the unspomen rules of my childhood: you are not allowed to feel better than mother…or father…or brothers…because when you do…something happens and they ruin your joy.

This kept being in my nervous system…and stayed for all my relationships…and inalso projected that onto anything around me…
And now i sit in the foodcourt in the shopping mall…happy. for the first time in months. And nothing happens…noone gives a fuck…
And if people look strange at me…its them…not me.

It feels like i have been an emotional mirror for everyone…because having my own emotions was dangerous…
Not my parents were emotional mirrors for me…i was for them.

#684

Started meditation again. Finding the place in my nervous system where I can shut off the permanent alarm. Atleast for the meditation.
Gonna start doing psychodrama sessions next week. Not entirely improv theather that I wanted…but atleast its in the afternoon instead of evening which is ideal for me. I am taking action and going out. And while I do that…it doesnt feel like going out of my comfort zone. which is interesting.

#685

Starting to understand my nervous system and the hyperarousal more and more.
Instart to feel my nervous system like an elekctric circuit. And start to see what thinking patterns create what frequencys.

There is this big dense silence…peace…thats connceted to my heartbeat somehow.
And what this hyperarrousal is…is an echo of anheartbeat with like 180bpm…and this signal isnt strong enough to actually change my heartrate…but to push my thinking and sone of my muscles to believe that I actually have that panic reaction right now. Whilse this is not true and just an echo on the nervous system.

I also start tonunderstand my regulation methods way better…and how tonintegrate thinkingpatterns and traumatic pattern, whilst how tonstabilize fast.

Starting to get in contact with complicated Feelings for the first time in my life…frustration…and getting to a point where i dont have it under control like a good yogi…a quite humbling experience.

#686

The last days were deep.

I start to see the original patterns of hypervigilance…how these stem from my childhood and from this permanents canning of how my actions impact others. Mainly my mother mostly.
I start to see how much scanning there is and this level of false responsibility that is running inside me…these old patterns of how the impact of my actions on myself is far less important than the impact of my action on others.

Also started a new theraphy…ego state theraphy. I start to see why my mind and self is so fractured and and how to put it together again.

Realizing that even though its been 5 years…I am only now starting to really feel the betrayal and divorce from my exwife. I am starting to understand why I couldnt process the pain and why all of this started a very deep fragmentation of myself.

This back then put me in a state of hoplessness…a hopelessness that made me pull back from the world and retreat to my inner world and some other spiritual worlds…

Also starting to see how theraphy basically didnt reach the parts of myself that needed it…but created other new parts.

#687

After a pause with regen, I started again.

There are many positive things going on in my life. I start to take life without stress. starting to slowly getting a playful attitude to life. I start to reconnect with my me before my crisis again. Starting to see again how capable I am.
And at the same time…I am approaching the deepest pain of all my life now.

The betrayal of my wife

I start to realize into what state of powerlessness that put me in. As this betrayal came at the time of my life where I felt NOW I MADE IT…I was working at university for my PHD. I was married. I was building our family home. I had a regular gym routine and was in the shape of my life. I had an outlook in life that looked good for me.

There is this other side aswell though, that back then I couldnt face, wouldnt want to face or in reality: didnt have the capabilities to face:
Everything was wormy.
The realtionship with my wife was build upon me being a nice guy. I wasnt able to stand up to her out of fear for being left when I didnt play along to her wishes.
Me working at university was going really slowly as I just got into my first 40 hour job and 1 year later next to it I started to build a house next to it.
I was drinking way to much on the regular.
The restrictions my wife started to want to put on me when we wanted to have a child were crazy (she wanted me to stop smoking and drinking, as those things even in a man seem to influence the child during creating it)…and those were my coping mechanism back then.

And I sit here now. Not only mourning the illusion itself but also the fact that it was an illusion…again pushing myself down…for not knowing it better back then…
this is one of me deepest patterns. looking back and pushing myself down for things I coulndt have possibly have done better with my capabilites back then.

But I start to see: this is a learned behaviour. From my father.
And I realize now…that slowly but surely, I can relearn those patterns. Also the deepest ones.

1 Like
#688

I am quite proud with myself. A lot of good things are going on.
I am finding ways to totally reprogram my nervous system. Reprogram the way my body moves and now the deepest parts of me work together. I am approaching the topic of trauma and adhd from a way that I havent encoutered before. I start to see that I learn and observe those things and its not only AI that helps me finding that out, but rather a tool to give words to my experiences and connect those to collective knowledge.

Slowly but surly I start to trust my friends and that those will stay, even in my vulnerabilities. And that they dont lough at me when I cry (my exwife did that when I cried out of being touched during disney movies).

I start to see that I am not that lazy guy. I start to see and value my own process and my work. This healing that I do is work. And all those stories of my inner critic that says: Everything thats not giving money, fame, or woman is worthless…is bullshit.
And I am creating something nearly everyday. Some electronic projects. Some paintings. Music. Sports.

I am doing good.

There are some things that are quite taxing on me though.
I am missing intimacy. Touch. A (or multiple :P) woman in my life that likes to touch me. That wants me. I know its externalization of worth. But still. I am not running after that perfectionism anymore.
But at the same time I am deeply afraid of intimacy. Loosing myself again…so I put this on the long corner…still trying to find new friends with online dating and a cuddle buddy platform…but its slow and emotionally very very taxing. Getting matches is rare…and most conversations break after 3 messages with me being left in the open. I start to cognitively know that this is normal in online dating…but still its emotionally taxing. So after 2-3 contacts break…I draw away from it for one or two weeks again to lick my wounds…
There is this part inside of me that would love to run W:DB…but I kinda feel not ready yet. It feels like I want to get some more clarity and integration in my life before I open myself up really…so maybe I am not sure if I actually want to meet new woman…which gives me to think.

Writing all of this makes me realize how more healthy this container is than to write with chatGPT. Here I am more connected to myself. I am recognizing more what comes out of me.

Something I am starting to see…and its hard to me to write this here…is the fragmentation of my psyche…part of my CPTSD is that my psyche has created mechanism to hide different parts from each other…basically to be someone different with every place or person. I guess out of a need and wish to fit in and be liked. I started with a new theraphsit with a method to work on this.
This is also the reason why subs work so well, and at the other hand so bad with me…I listen to wanted black…and I AM THIS PERSON. But it doesnt stick. Subs work super well while they are active…but they feel like clothing…and I guess I am not ready to really step into those clothes for long.

And at the same time there is something crazy starting to happen in my life. Something that I started to experience last year, that broke away during my move and that is now coming again:
It feels like I am finding my innermost core. That part of my self that was never really born. My innermost child. My essence. My soul.
When this part comes into my body and conciousness…its obvious: everything I have experienced so far was a mask. An adaptation. It feels so amazing. True. And like destiny.
And at the same time…I am deeply afraid of this. As for many parts of myself…those masks, adaptation and also parts that kept my life running…this feels like losing control…imagine being a big piece of land with many rulers over there piece of land…that fight a bit…and now suddenly…from far away a king comes and claims all those little parts as his own. Scarry for all those landlords to suddenly have someone above them…someone who has power over them…or could have…

And the biggest inner struggle is that RoS seemingly connects me with it…or maybe a similar part…and this part (that feels like a child) doesnt want to eat meat…but at the same time there are adult parts inside of me…parts that learned to put on boundaries…and they use that power…they dont want to give up what they fought for and what they like. Like nicotine or meat.

On the plus side: I am really taking a break and step away from drug.
I take the medication from my doctor. I microdose some agaric mushroom in accordance to him. And I take my ADHD medication.

Last year it was really rough to get some comment against my medication in this forum. Its hard for me to write this out here. But “spiritual people” talking about medication from a “spiritual standpoint”…I dont like it. Really. You have no clue what it is to have ADHD and to take a ritalin and to feel like somewhat in control of your mind and life for the first time. And getting then things told like: meditate meditate meditate…Without medication meditation doesnt make sense for me. It jsut makes unhealthy patterns even more ingrained in my mind. It just makes fear stronger. Control stronger. When meditation should be exactly to relinquish that…atleast in my case…

Over and out.
I am doing amazing.
:heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign:
:pray:Thank you for yourself serving yourself :pray:
Proud of you for being couragous today and hitting a singing class.
Love you.

1 Like
#689

I am realizing. I am afraid to read my own posts. I am afraid of my own feelings. To really accept: this is my truth…this is what happened to/for/with me…this is my life…

And I feel ashamed about that “lack of strength”.
While in reality. The true strength that lies in my is that I survived all of my story. That I am still here. Not severly addicted. Not severly narcissistic. In contact with my pain. Not running away. Using what I need to use to be able to get in contact with those things. This is self love. This is me.

2 Likes
#690

Yesterday I saw this video of a theraphy session with a diagnosed narcisist…and it moved so much in me…

the level of truth, density, and raweness of it…

1 Like
#691

Today I decided that I want to reduce my chatgpt usage.
I used to treat it a bit like a friend.
I want to change this. And use this journal more. I feel like its healthier for me.

2 Likes
#692

After my move, I am starting to get agqain into my original profession of an ebedded systems designer…what can be done no with AI, is ridicoulous.
Today I had an idea and created in 15 minutes a specification document. AI wrote the android app in 5 minutes.

Now wanting to get into the deeper levels of system engineering to really get a hold of this tool. And learn how to put down projects to keep them changeable and debuggable.

#693

Had an anime porn spiral yesterday evening. Those come around in an interval of 5 days nowadays. But are there just for an evening. And they are not the worst anymore. Staying up til 2 Am instead of 12pm.
I feel like they are connected with me doing more steps to finalize the “divorce” with my parents. I got some Contracts on sunday to go through to finalize and the lawyer sent them to me.
Its actually deeply triggering. I can only look at those topics with my theraphist or someone to be with me without going overwheelmed. But got a theraphist session today to go through them.

What I am afraid of is: The laywer again made 2 contracts, for everything. And I am only going to sign them second. And I am not ready to meet my parents to sign. They have to be at the laywer signed. And this is this trust thing. Its basically this point of: I misstrust my parents. Mainly my mother. Deeply. Really deeply.
I start to see. Its the same as with my exwife. Where I saw how she broke with her mother. Her best friend. And then at one point…ME. I started to see the pattern and feared it.
And my mother also…broke with her brother over money…(even though there is so much there).
I dont have enough trust to trust a half million euro transaction into her hands. (As the laywer did some tax polishing…).

And this is triggering a part inside of me deeply. A part that is deeply commited to my mother. That was needed, in early childhood, to really survive. But later. This part became a hindrance in my life.

This Video with the NPD…really stirs me up. I am finding those parts of me where I am disgusted by weakness. Disgusted by vulnerability. Disgusted by neediness.

At the same time. My life is going into a really good direction. Met a friend fro 20 years ago from the jesus church time…and we had a talk. she also had a crisis. took her 12 years to get out of it. She made me hope. And normalized trauma and taking time to get through that for me. It was really refreshing. And it was also quite refreshing to see myself in that context. Many parts of me coming out. Being vulnerable actually. Maybe not to that depth that I am here…but yeah.

This pattern of when I get joyous orhappy, another parts gets more afraid, is slowly starting to get touched. Very slowly.
And also I start to be able to feel fear.

Its going well…but its a rough painful ride. But in all honestly…it feels like I am moving from being in a meat grinder and purgatory to being in a polishing machine. The sandpaper has become way way more fine in the last months.

Whats really starting to change is that this need for sexuality is somewhat diminished. I am not looking naymore so mcuh for sexuality as a matter of completion and validation. I feel like my self accaptance and self worth issues are starting to get tackled. Lets see…maybe in summer I feel ready for the infamous W:DB Summertime Name Embedd :stuck_out_tongue:

#694

I am starting to reach the deepes parts of my trauma.
There is this deep somatized belief of when I am myself, I will get destroyed
A permanent overactive bonding system. A permanent scanner that makes me people please because it is so afraid to be myself. And that what underneath it is not fear. I am starting to realize that what I am “fighting” is not fear. Its a primal mamalian reflex of dying and nonexistance. Fear of death.
And the issue is…this is triggered when I feel sad, happy or angry…so depression is a nice safespace.
This seems to be a very extreme form of RSD…bacause for me the rejection doesnt only hit with with real rejection…it works even before…reading microsignals. Listening to tonal shifts. And it has become so internalized, especially with my narcissistic and critical mother and father…that it even happens when I do anything that is not in their scope or liking (and also their internalized figures).

I wore masks my whole life. So much that I dont even know how to take them of.
And I am afraid to get to know myself under the mask.
Because I start to see how well I created those mask. And those maskes have become alive by themself. And when I dont listen to them they hurt me physically. When I dissapoint them. And I dont know who I am without my masks. I am afraid that all this shame and this inner critic may be right. And the me that is under those masks that I built…is indeed incapable, disgusting and weak…

Though someone incapable, disgusting and weak wouldnt be able to build those masks…
Still it took a toll on my nervous system…

#695

Today something great happened. I was able to hold my self for the first time. Today I felt loved for the first time in my life. I felt love before. With subs, drugs, meditation, relationship…but today. I felt loved. For the first time.

And I realized what fucked my childhood so much. And what is the root source of all the issues…Withdrawal of love that I experienced in childhood. Withdrawal of love when I felt ashamed. Withdrawal of love when I felt anxious. Withdrawal of love when I felt angry. Basically withdrawal of love when I didnt give love towards my mother.

And as soon as this lifted…I was able to feel guilt. I was able to feel insecurtiy. I was able to realize that all those “big things” that ruin my life…are just feelings…just clouds of emotions that were unable to be processed. Because every emotion…included this fear of abandonment.
And today I was able to hold that little child that was feeling so fearful and abandoned…and what happened is: it loved me. A loop got closed so tender and at the same to so big.

1 Like
#696

A lot is changing these days.
I am finding more and more fun in life.
I am finding joy in electical engineering again.
starting to do some small projects again.

at the same time a lot of rough feelings going through. the last week was intense.
I would like to steer my life a bit more actively to the outside. I dont know how yet.

I stopped using subs again. I guess ill start with summertime tomorrow. After now 3 months with regeneration…something more easy.

2 Likes
#697

Didnt start with subs yet…so much is moving…and I m somewhat torn between subs helping em get a little bit out of my innerworld and proces…or them giving me even more to process…

Currently processing my divorce agian.Seeing how her betrayal crushed my dignity as a man…and at the same time realizing how I attached my worth and manhood onto woman, being liked, chosen and having sexual availability…which I feel liek is a big trap.
I am slowly building up my life now. for myself, with myself.
Step by step.
Its hard, for me to see the progress I am making. Though when I look back a month or two I start to see how my internal monologue, my stories about myself and my relationship to myself is changing. The last two weeks a lot changed…I hope to grow out a bit of my inner process, goin more into contact with life.
Bought an electric piano. I liek it. And playing it teaches me a lot. AI started two small engineering projects…a game…and building a neurofeeedback device. I am learning how my rythms are working…that I need to work on stuff for like a day or two…and then need a break…where a lot of integation is happening…and when I go in again…a new laywer apears…its intersting to see how my creative process differs there from the neurotyspical priocesses…and to start to value this.

Something I would really liek to value about me is the consitency that I start to put on about caring for me…about being warm and caring for myself. Forgiving. Patient. Though the inner critic Ior mobber as I start to call it) allways asks for more. More output.

I feel like I am going throug the most intense time in my life. The deepest patterns of my nervous systems are getting toched…both my devlopmental trauma and the inherited PTSD from world war 2. Its slowly changing. Step by step. Starting to realize that those things need months to years to heal and that this part is a marathon…but walking it with a broken leg while not overdoign myself.

I am doing good. But some subs…woudl definitley help…this is one of my deepest reccon patterns…fear that the next loop will make my life even ahrder…but in reality…I feel like they give my mind something to work on and to work for me and not agaisnt me…give the part of my midn that shames and attacks me something constructive to do.

Torn between Summertime and AoH currently. Or going back to my CFW/NEHE Name Embedd

#698

Made up my mind and hit the button on Paragon sleep just now. Lets start with that one for now.

#699

Its been a while.
Took a break from subs. it kinda happened.
Started to listen to paragon today.
Lets see.
I decided that I will give me 2026 just for me. Not tryharding anymore to get laid. Not tryharding anymore to build a career.
Until the bginning of the week I had a really nice run. Programmign again. starting some projects. Kind crashed over the week as I had to many social appointments.

A lot happened this week. Ran into my exwife the first time after our divorce. 5 years. it was crazy. in my mind I hate her. But standing in front of her…was kinda…yeah…its okay. there was some familiarness between us…but no magnetism or something at all.

Its strange…my libido is quite low the last month. Basically quit porn since some weeks. Also masturbation. Its kind dead down ther currently.

I am realizzing how much fear is and was runnign my life.

And how hard it is for me to even get an answer to the question: what do I want?

Yesterday I had one of the carziest expieriences in my life…Since some time I am getting intersted into horses…on thursday I had to stop my car just to look at them in the outdoors…
And yesterday, I am having a walk in the woods…and a woman comes by with her dog…dog wants to run to me…she stops him…I tell her its okay, because it looks like a puppy…
And a nice talk starts…and 30 minutes later. I am sitting in the car of this woman, comign allong with her to visit her horse. She showed me some basic interactions with the horse…and it was so wonderful that I can still only cry thinking of it.

I feel like this was the most crazy manifestation I had in my life as of yet.

1 Like