I guess these big goals and this inner need to achieve comes from self worth issues…binding my worth to outcome…and also realizing: my inner critic takes everything that not ideal as wrong (perfectionism).
Yesterday I saw an anime…and there was this small childlike warrior goddes…who wants to be praised after the battle for her amazing fighting skills…and the badass protagonist says: No I wont praise you for the battle…but good that you are alive…
This did something to me…taking worth not for achieving. But for being. For making a small step. And letting the outcome open…or be something entirely different.
I am making so many steps. Every day. But it used to fail to register. So many things that I do right. so many “wrong things” I dont do every day. But I still run after the perfect life…only if I achieve this i allow myself to feel good…
I had a thought after gym yesterday during shopping…Would I allow myself to reach enlightenment or self realization? Would I deem myself worthy of that? And while this is still on the axis of worth for doing…I thought…yes…actually I have put in enough effort, pain, time and money to allow myself to feel worthy enought to reach that tipping point where suddenly life becomes easy. I feel it. There are parts of me that are unsure, that get unsure when I write this…But atleast…there is a part (and it feels quite big) inside of me that feels that I am worthy. Worthy that change can be easy. That good things happen to me, without having to earn them anymore. For good to come to me effortlessly (though I wont stop putting in effort into my life anyhow…but maybe with a grin out of joy and not out of lack)…
This kinda started some days ago…where I found a discount voucher in my stairhouse…and I realized a childish thinking pattern thats deeply connected to karma: Something good happened to me…So it seems I did something rigth…That struck me like lightning. Where these spiritual ideas of you are the creator of your reality…led me to take responsibility for everything…someone look bad at me? I did something wrong…traffic jam and I come late? I did something wrong. I took this saying of instant karma way to serious…or my mind did.
I am learning more and more how my mind operates and how to discern what thinking patterns are good for me or not…and also realizing: for my brain some thinking patterns that are good for others…ruin me and make mentally sick…because my mind condenses them on and on and on…and that either makes me maniac…or depressed…
And especially with thinking patterns that are self amplifiying…like this spiritual believes of: the universe doesnt make faults, you are part of the universe, so you are not faulty**…okay…so this spins then in my brain so fast that it creates: there are no random events. everything that happens has meaning. Every small thing (even as a bug flying into my eye) wants to show me somthiung…and this brings my mind to overclock…aka psychosis (maybe functional psychosis)…like in the last year I learned how believe systems like human design that cant be fully verified or invalidated are impossible for my mind to decipher…I just start to live by it. and it becomes my reality. So deep that I even start to project it onto others and start to see the corresponding energies around people.
And all it is based onto is the time of my birth…and for me this lead in a lot of cases to a lot of bitterness, staying in my comfort zone and not working on things that I should be working on. Basically my mind works in a way that upon hearing this is you, and this is your wound it starts to create that pattern inside of me…and what is inbetween? THE NEVERENDING INNER CRITIC that shames me for ego, notself, living from my wound or whatever…