The move is finished. Well done me 
Telked with the lawyer about making future communication with my parents over her…Because direct contact with my parents make me have panic attack…Well done me
Made a new friend in Gym. Well done me
Worte in journal again and telling myself to feel good. Well done me
For now I need this tool to allow my to feel good. Well done me for seeing this
Having that workout in the gym with someone else…moved more in my body than most theraphy sessions.
Just having a man stand next to me…giving me presence, counting my reps was amazing.
As now my move is finished…In the next days I want to start making a plan what I want to focus my life onto now…there are multiple intersting things going on…but Id like to focus a bit…
Just a collection of thoughts…
-) Working on my “healthy ego” concept that I maybe want to turn into an App
-) Hitting the shopping mall regularly. I gave away nearly all my clothing and decided I can spend around 1k for new clothing and new everydayitems to really make a change in everyday life. And really taking my time for it. Finding my style.
-) Hitting the gym regularly…additionally Id like to start something with fighting. But at the same time I am very anxious about it…so maybe Ill start with a personal trainer for some sessions…did that in India actually for some sessions…and it was quite nice.
-) loosly hoping to get some neurofeedback clitens. mid term I have availability for around 5 session per week. That would finance my flat. Which would be amazing.
-) more social contact
-) contact improv and improv theather…maybe for spring/summer when I can use my motorcycle to drive to vienna
-) dating…I really would like to enter the sexual marketplace. I want to have a one night stand. And maybe something very very loose…or multiple loose things…but it feels like there is this boundary I havent crossed yet. not sure when to start this
-) career is kinda semi open. with my finance plan, I actually would wish to be able to stem my daily life in 3 years by myself. before that I have savings. Then I still have enoguth funds left for when I am old for safety and still some safety left so I never have to worry if my car breaks down or something similar…but the big question “how to earn money easily” is on my horizon…and when I say easily I dont mean without effort…but without burnout. from a chill relaxes place where earning money doesnt say anything about my selfworth
-) selfworth and selflove is still quite fragile, comes very near to the dating thing…realizing my worth is very connected to if I have a GF and how much money I make
enough for now
Life is starting to get better…as I am learning to stop worrying so much and also to stop hurriying so much…
Something I have encountered, that is central to atleast my life, and in my therory is central to everybodys life, is how the bonding system of someone operates and what impact it has on ones identity.
In the past I used to find things that I then Idealize and that I completeley lose myself in…be it spirituality, shamanism, yoga, videogames, woman, even friends. This is changing now.
Somethign I am currently learning is to try things out and to make faults. Like I start to understand the process of dating (and I not even mean woman by that)…I am currently creating a new style for me and a new wardrobe…And it feels so good to not buy everything instantly when I like it…but to try it on in the shop…make a picture…and wait 2 days until I make a decision. This feels quite nice.
I feel very hurt today.
A old friend with whom I broke contact contacted me as if nothing happened.
I told him that I dont see a future for a friendship as there was a situation where he didnt accept my NO, got angry and loud (on drugs) and I dont feel safe with him anymore.
What I got back was brutal. A message that was completly dismissing myself. Very brutal disregulated communication. Attacking my sanity and view of reality.
Its very brutal to start to see what this does to me.
Its very dissapointing to see how some people fight. What people do when their ego is undr threat.
Neverytheless it shows that this connection has no future.
I am able now to say in words what growing up with a narcissistic mother did to me: It made me doubt my own sense of reality. I still have issues trusting my own sense of reality. Atleast when I am not in full prefrontal mode. Subs help. But not permanently…and I dont use them enough nowadays…I feel like my biggest reccon issue is to stop using subs out of fear that they will make the reccon even stronger…while in truth I just hit baselevel.
Its very eye opening to start to see what people do when they are disregulated…as a neurodivergent person who takes everything literally (most likely because of this subliminals hit so hard for me) unfair communication is really hurting. I am only starting to learn this filter function…to see beneath the words of what someone is saying…reconstruct their emotional state from their words…which is hard for my mind.
Nevertheless, I am doing good. And I am proud of me
I created two amazing outfits for me. So proud of how I look.
How are you?
Hey, thank you for asking.
Life was going up and down last month. With move and all these family shame triggers.
Doing better since some weeks and gettin back into my life that I had before my move.
The last days I have been realizing how deep my masculinity issues are with other men.
There is this deeply ingrained rivalary inside of me…as I write this I remember how my Ex-Wife cheated me.
I am realizing more and more how I fawn in front of other men (strangers). Especially bigger ones. I realize those are primal reflexes. Like it feels I am becoming small again…liek 80cm. And my cognitive abilities in those moments also vanish.
It is as if I get contact to that animal withhin…and it never learned that this isnt the jungle and we arent apes and bigger monkey dont crush me when I shwo status, dominance and sexual availability. There is this big preverbal insinctive fear inside of me of other men…that when I rise up to my true form…they will attack me. Physically.
I have been thinking a lot about my schooltimes the last days. Being bullied. About civil service. Being bullied. About my school time where I bullied a bit…one time…we had a fight. The other kid got hurt. I got punished for it. And I guess there I shut of that “warrior” that kids try out with each other. I gave that other guy a headbut…like you see in the movies…when you fight and use your head to hit the others head…sounded like good idea…but I guess i hit him hard…
I feel something in my chest right now…something is moving…
But yeah, I guess then I shut this part of…being afraid of my own power…I dont remember more right now…IDK what happened later…IDK if his nose did bleed or if he cried…but I remember that I was ashamed of me “winning that fight”. It didnt feel good. And AFAIK we were bullying that guy as 2. That guy was an outsider. He wasnt handicapped but he had something strange like a harelip IIRC. I feel ashamed now. Not that shame I feel with my parents…but actual shame in my breast.
What Happened today today is still incomprehendable to me…
Just came back from the psychiatrist regarding my sleeping issues. Inslept so bad the last weeks and the medication didnt work.
So I started microdosing agaric mushroom and ayahiasca vien again…to get some nights of sleep.
Told him that…and he told me: if that works, go for it. He rather have me working with plants than give me more medication. And he also said my adhd medication is okay with that.
This day feels like christmas and birthday together 
Also i start to see: its time to take on my spiritual practice again.
I have a lot of plans going on for the next days weeks.
Gonna start taking self defense classes.
Next week guitar classes.
Started programming again yesterday and starting to take life easily again…
Did a 5min loop of Regeneration today…i kinda need to see if i am limoting myself with to low loop times…lets see if i end in reccon hell or if this is exactly what i need…
Slowy starting to think what to add to my stack…considering AoJ or my HSA custom.
TBH I dont even know anymore if the subliminals are what are actually changing me…or me who understands how the subliminals are working and by that learning to control my own mind.
Longer Looptimes are definitley good for me. 2 resting days. Today was acutally one of my greatest days since quite some time. Had a Theraphy session and afterwards a massage where I could let go and feel totally safe again. Also today I got there for like an hour.
Slowly but surely…I am getting there
Decided to add my HSA Custom to Regeneration.
As this custom brought my anfeeling of positivity and feeling of core in the past.
Slept 11h today.
Having an amazing day today.
As my move in completed…my nervous system calmes slowly down again.
And instsrt to feel save again…step by step.
Something I continue to struggle is Integration.
It feels like I am a cameleon. I change so much from moment to moment. So much from being alone to being with someone. I am someone totally different with every person I am with. I feel so different in the gym that at home. I leave my home and my thinking patterns change. And with that my body tone changes. How I walk.
Depending on the clothing I put on I am someone differnt.
It feels like if I make a experience as one part of me…I cant integrate it in another one.
Really diving deeper in fragmentation of the mind/plurality/Ego States.
I feel me becoming different just when I look at someones message feed. The context changes so much…WOW…CONTEXT…this is a big word…and it feels like it opens up a new view inside of me…
RoS allways does a lot to me…feeling this very light part inside of me…where a lot of inner conflicts are started, especially with eating meat…and this surrender surrender surrender…is simply tiresome. It leads to rubberbands in my life…I surrender to it to the point where something breaks…and then the “monster” comes out. I want to find a way for “the ego, the wound, the personality, the egoic self” and the depper unhurt part to coexist…and not fight anymore.
Did a brain activating neuro feeedback montage yesterday…and the night was crazy.
Went through some deep stuff. Didnt sleep much. A lot of energy got released from my body. And today I feel safe again. After months of not feeling safe.
That release yesterday was indeen really intense…
I relaized: my body or I life in permanent fear of someone assaulting me and physically attacking me and hurting me to atleast the degree of hospitalization and a weeklong stay there. This is what is permanently going inside of me.
Realizing more and more the damage caused by mobbing in my youth. Instart to see how inwas permanently in gamma mode. And how this also cuts down my cognitive abilities…how freeze/fawn goes super deep. It basicall dumby myself down. Cuts me off of my sexual energy.
That moment in the gym today…where I switched out of gamma mode…it vanished after an hour or so…but it left an impression…I was in a mode of being in control of my life…it was as if saying NO was a regular card in my hand…rather than an emergency button that would create turmoil if pressed. I felt like as if someone whould somehow assault me or harass me or be unfriendly to me…I wouldnt just fawn…but would get a push of energy that would give me power to handle the situation.
As Dr. Jordan Peterson says…The capability to be dangerous creates strength.
Sadly I was dropped by both self defense trainers. Last week he aborted an hour before our session. Today the one even ghosted me and I drove unneccessarily to the location. Really have to be careful that my malignant thinking pattern dont create a “the universe is conspiring against me” theory. Those were just a**holes.
Still struggeling with what happened 2025. Where the life I built broke down again.
The biggest thing I went through was this disillusionment of spirituality. Discarding those believes that there is a higher Power. This trust in something bigger. IDK yet how to go on with that. But I start to ask myself how much of that is self betrayal and magical thinking…and how much is helpful.
My RoS Journey goes deeper, even though I didnt listen to subs for 5 days now.
I start to see the soul as the inner part of me that is unhurt and in neverending joy. Simply as a state. But I start to see the dangers of this state: I forgo my boundaries. Often I quickly fall into loops of forgiveness and want to reconnect with people who brought a lot of pain to my life. Forgetting the reasons why I distanced myself.
I havent found the point of balance yet. Balance between Love and Boudnaries and a healthy sense of separation and Ego.
Another loop I start to discover in my life:
I started online dating again…out of curiosity. It just needs one ghosting and I stop doing it again.
Looking back a lot to 2025. Trying to process those feelings.
Now that my move is finished I ask myself a lot of what direction I want to put my life into.
There is this part inside of me that would like to have more social contact. At the same time that is the area of my life that is deeply triggering for me, as it brings up all my self conciousness and self worth issues.
and this then allways brings me back to the same old topic: Spirituality. As this is something that is SAFE FOR ME…,…and I get to the point in my life where I start to know what nervous system regulation acutually is…and that if I continuously try to live the husstle ouside my comfort zone…I wont get proper rest at night.
And learning that my body is actually in deep hypervigilance all the time…It feels correct for me to first find that place of rest withhin me.
Though I wont completley cut out the social game…Ill try to have one thing every week where I want to meet strangers. Maybe 2 when I add some group activity.
Today I reached the level of feelings again. it was burried for months now…
I start to see again…how I feel lonely, resigned, powerless, abandoned.
And how the loop goes…I start to build trust and joy again…start to move out again, go into the world, try to start to get to know people…and then one or two small things are enough to trigger the shit out of me again so I go back into isolation and just explore my inner world…
This Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (@Parsifal thanks for showing that up in your journal) is really fucking with me and my life. And in hindsight it shows me how it fucked up conflicts in my life.
I start to realize that I didnt process those deep dark feelings in quite some time…and I am honest…this is something I am even afraid to talk to my friends to…because they allways start to coach, show me ways want to get me out of that state…and by that…i never process those feelings…and there is that fear when I ask: jsut be with me when I feel bad…that this is overwhelming for them and they leave me…instead of just saying this is to much for me…Wow…exactly this is what happened with my ex-gf…I did that. I couldnt say: I dont have space right now to hold your feelings. And I still did it…it completley overwhelmed me… (like it was crazy, withhin seconds I went from being in an amazing mood to vomiting from crazy pain in my belly)…because i didnt listen to my boundaries…and then left her because this whole experience was way to overwhelming for me and I didnt understand what happened.
In reality…I wouldnt mind if someone simply would say: I dont have space for hard feelings…that would be okay for me…but this fear of being completley let down when I show those…is paralyzing. Even in theraphy…so often when those feelings come up, the theraphist tries to “help me”…I dont want help. I want to be held. while I feel those…
At the same time I realize: There is a part inside of me that wants to be saved. That wants that someone comes and changes things…all those things I feel powerless about…triggers. Shame attacks. Sleeping issues. PAtterns I dont manage to change…
And this other part inside of me that is afraid to take help…because help often meant that later the bill would come…or in spirituality…after help comes…you need to change, follow rules, become pure…
Started to attend Alcoholics Anonymus Meetings two weeks ago…I kinda like it…it feels like a quite safe space…where noone wants or expects something of me. And I like that.
Also starting to see the pattern that I am afraif of the easy way and always chose the hardest (perfectionism)…out of fear that going the easy way will have a cost later…or that later it will become more difficult…so rather start with the most difficult from the beginning…which is UTTERLY RETARDED…as I see now…this is like wanting to lear to jump with a 1m post right from the beginning and hurting myself. Or going to the shooting range and start shooting at 25m instead of 10m and wondering why my score is bad…
I set way to hight goals…and my mind is somehow addicted to it.
I really struggle discerning between me and my mind…and on the one hand being forgiving to myself for deep paterns put onto my when I was a child and powerless…and on the other hand taking responsibility for those patterns…its allways this ALL or nothing…that puts me into intensity/shame loops…or as I used to call it…THE FUCKING RUBBERBAND…instead of going small, safe, steps, where a missstep is handleable…the thing only is…it feels like no missstep is handleable for me. Even small frusttration often leads to meltdowns…but as I write this down…this is not allways like that…not every missstep…I will see and observe what misssteps show those patterns.