Other than that, I realized: I have huge boundary issues. And according to my theraphists to really integrate them it will take a year. Getting boundaries going is the most important thing in my life currently. Really starting to protect my nervous system. To really create a safe space for myself for the first time.
I had two issues where I got hurt a lot in the tantra communites…one with that mans retreat “Brotherhood Initiation”. My commitment buddy (an assistent at the retreat) simply ghosted me afterwards. And I was in a very vulnerable time after this retreat as I just broke up with my GF and before the retreat fell back into using weed. I even wrote him: Hey, I am on the bring of throwing away weed, I need a push to know that it is the right thing to do"…and I was left in the dry. No response. A month later I confronted him. He said that he was sorry, but at the same time he wrote “But you know, I am not here to safe you”. Which made me even angrier. I am still proud that I am weedfree since then. But I didnt throw it away. I still have it. I made a safe with my 3D printer for it. So I need to brake this safe to use it. Back then I said: 3months and I can use it again. But I dont feel stable enough in my life right now to use it only lets say every 2 weeks. As a treat. To much danger to fall back into a habbit. Still, I havent touched it and show myself that I am responsible. Still, I am not sure if I am making my life harder if I keep it available or not…
So with that guy I had one more message, telling him, that I dont want to be called Bro by him. Telling him that currently I dont want to talk with him for an appology as before that some serious stuff that happened on the retreat beween the two of us needed to be gone through in writing. The thing is: Just before that retreat I realized: My nervous system doesnt like to be touched by people. I dont like Hugs, shoudler touches, whatever by people I dont know or trust. And I tried to enforce those boundaries. And in those spaces normally everyone hugs each other, is very near…but I started to ask the question: Do I actually like this? And the answer is: No my Body and nervous system doesnt like that.
And this guy…kept on being pushy about it. Touched me at the resteaurant waiting line. Even though I said I dont want to be touched. I felt molested actually. I know there is another truth, where I didnt enforce my boundaries strong enough. I am honest: I didnt have the energy and was afraid of the emotional reactions. I didnt want to get into fights and arguments at the retreat.
I wanted to clear this up in writing. But just telling him I didnt want to be called Bro…he was not able to take this boundary. Just responeded that I am seemingly angry and projecting my negativly charged words onto him. Which for me meant: I am not hearing your boundaries and telling you that your boundaries are unreasonable…I want to go on to call you bro. And I realized: its no point to talk with that guy. He seemingly doesnt have the emotional intelligence. He is a boundary tester and crusher. I wont get my proper appology there. I let this sleep after that. A week ago the retreat leader contaced me how I am doing. I shared this story. He suggested to hold space for a talk between the two of us. I decided though…to not go for this. There is to much danger to again not being heard. To again being told I am unreasonable with my expectations. And what is to be gained? An applogy by a fucktard that I dont like anyhow, that I will never see again most likely. I conciously decided to go on.
The second thing was that during an event photos were made. I was naked at some point. And pictures where made. Told the photographer not to share those nude pictures even with the facilitator. On the next day wrote the facilitator to not use my nude pictures for social media or anything…and some days later…with the pictures shared with the participants: a nude picture of myself was included…
First I was just like: delete this. But then I felt something deeper…
A part of myself that said: A sorry is here not enough. Something is missing there: Responsibility. Especially as she said: This was a missunderstanding.I am proud for getting angry. For me, getting angry is not something bad. Its a way to access my truth. Getting loud. Putting my fist on the table. Masculine fiery power. I wanted a proper appology that this was a fault on her side. And a “callback” of the picture via mail to the persons it what shared to. She didnt want to do it. It went so far that we got into mediation. In hindsight it was a disaster. I went into people pleasing mode. Suddenly it was her and the mediator vs me as they were gaslighting me about that fiery power calling me being triggered. That some deeper wound is underneath…sure, this triggers every time that my boundaries were crossed. Nevertheless…sharing a nude picture without any consent is a major thing. Its against the law even. I fawned so hard and pulled back from me wanting her to send that…I just wanted to get an honest applogy how I need it: “I made a mistake. I am sorry.” I jsut got a “I am sorry that my action caused pain inside of you.” Which for me. Is not taking of responsibility, espcially as she is a facilitator. There is a part inside of me…that feels guilty for being so precise about words. Nevertheless. As the mediator suggested her to write something in the community newletter about how this experience has teached us something. And what she wrote a month later was actually satisfying me. The she wrote we made a mistake.
Still: what this whole thing brought up for me: in both of those situations, I was hurt. I was a victim. Because: What could I have done more to not be let down by a commitment buddy? And what could I have done more than to write her: No nude picturs of me for social media or anything? And I had to fight a lot to get my power back. I know now that I can fight for myself. This is what I gained. But it took so much energy. It felt like a collectice process was runnign through me. Back when this process started I was in a quite spiritual open place…talking to energies and realites…back then I agreed with the “temple entity” that my price to go through that conflict is that during the next temple event I will meet a woman for an affair. For some regular intimacy. Lets see if that happens. Lets see if that spiritual ágreements work.
Nevertheless: What I found out is true taking of accountability and responsibility:
A proper appology
Really looking into the victims world to see what damage has been caused
Talk how this damage can be repaired
If I had to value the damage that has been cause by this guy not responding to me…I would say: 500-1000€. Simply because it refuelled my wound of misstrusting other men.
And the main thing: If you do damage and with the appology tell the other person: Hey you are overreacting, I just did this and you are reacting like this, this would be an appropiate reation: This is gaslighting. Especially as in all of those situation I didnt react. All of those messages were finely tuned word by word by me. Analyzed by AI. Because I also misstrusted myself for having those firm boudnaries. For being so sensitive about gaslighting. But I am realizing it. I am becoming a scanner for the slightest amount of abusive behaviour.
