A life worth living and dying for - MechaShaman

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#602

Wow. Had a massive self love process. Crying. And deep understandings how my concept of love is bound to tough love. Disciplined love. How softness is missing inside of me. Because I am afraid of softness. I didnt learn yet how to be soft and put boundaries up. For some parts of me being soft creates the fear that I am being inprinted by outsides. Mainly my parents. There I still see this pattern. As soon as I am soft with them. They try to imprint me and condition me. Train me. And I guess I am the same with me aswell…
The believe that I dont grow naturally. That I need to micromanage myself all the time. Not allow myself to test myself, to see how far I have come…e.g. with former addictions. But just an example. Last week I had some Rapé, the shamanic tobacco that I used to be addicted to. Used it 5-7 times a day. Had it on friday twice. And since then…didnt even think about it anymore. Told myself…twice a day is a bit often…now I need a pause…and diidnt think about it once. Yesterday when walking by a tobacco store i felt a short impulse for nictotine and thought back about how deep that is ingrained in me…but about the Rape…not even once did I think about it. Even yesterday during very intense reccon.

A lot of limiting believes are coming up in the last 2 days. It feels like RoS is really uncovering my inner life. It feel like a booster for lovebomb aswell. It shows me how many worries and fears there are acvtually in my system…even though I dont conciously see them. I got the advice to run DRR lately…I guess it would be good. But right now I feel like I need something positive to look at. DRR sounds like another crucible. First I want to access my own lifeforce with Khan Black. And allign to myself and dharma with RoS.

I had some deep realizations about dharma this morning. I was allways going for moksha…as dharma sounded like soimething that is put onto me from the outside…seemingly I was wrong. Dharma is what happens when I live my authentic nature…when I live my sexuality. When I follow my dreams. When I become a strong man. Somehow my mind is so fucked up from religion that I believed that dharma is about following rules. Yielding to some rules from books that are thousands of years old. And I wont do that. I will only follow my own compass. Those can be nice orientations. But I am the one who decide how to read them. There is no outside persecutor. Only me. Only my karma.

Yeah, another deep realization I had was about trust…that I can only start to trust myself by trusting myself. To give myself the benefit of doubt. To not allways want to do the riht thing. To not micromanage myself all the time (or let my mind micromanage me). Only by that I can start to build trust in myself. Like with the shamanic tobacco.

Well done again me :heavy_plus_sign:
This LB custom allways does that procvesswes…with inner voice it really changes something. I guess I really should run this for some time this now. This is the type of positivity that I am lacking. Or rather not positiivity but relationship wiht myself.

#603

Massive Breakthrough today.
Had a walk outside, decided to turn off my mind. Sat at the river for an hour just watching everything.
Later my mind started to come up online…with all this feelings, archetypes, inner parts…and I told it: stop it. If you want to do something, give me more motorical energy (i am suffering from chroniq fatigue since 3 years. every bigger movement puts my nervous system in fight flight).
And 5 Minutes later I had a realization. When i use my muscles, so much energy gets set up in my body. so the first idea was to put the energy into the ground. And then I had a second idea: I created a magnet of energy that pulls me in front of me…and suddenly I moved faster, and faster, and faster. Without any bodily effort. While this is amazing healing…at the same time ths goes much deeper. It feels like I am starting to understand what mind is. And what the zero point is. What happened there didnt feel like I moved my body. It felt as if I would step into another reality in which I moved faster.

While the outcome is the same…it came from a totally different point. It was mind guides and body follows. It feels like I am approaching a new level or reality. Where I am conciousness. And that conciousness has control over the mind. And this mind controls what the body does. But the mind is something entirely different than the brain or physical manifestation of the mind.
I guess this RoS journey will be intense.

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#604

After this last message it went further. I had some intense energ releases. Also today. It feels like I am finding the reason why my body is stuck in fight flight.
Had some intense somatic releases.Heat groing through my body.
Crazy stuff is happening. I feel energy circulating still. It seems like I broke through a barrier and now I feel my lifeforece prana qi all the time. My body feels tingling and alive. Warm.

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#605

[quote=“MechaShaman, post:594, topic:22899”]
Higher-Self-Alligment
RoS Core
ESSENCE: The Experience of Joy and Love
Synergy: Way of Mercy
Synergy: Energetic Transcendece
Living truth
Epigenetics & DNA Modulator
SPS: Endocrine System
SPS: Nervous System
SPS: Fat Burn
A/SPS: Eyesight
Deep Sleep
Pragya
Male Enhancement
Mosaic
ZPU Anti reccon

Considering Adding Full on Genesis: The Art of Joy and Happiness
And Essence: Clear Sight to better sort out my inner world.

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#606

I reach a point in my spiritual journey where I ask myself…do I want to go on with that route or will I just say fuck it and live my life?

This day of the training I do was intense. Family Constellation stuff…
What is the soul? How much influece do I and my doings have on someone else?
This work basically says: solve the conflict with your inner mother and outside world will change.

I feel like this is what subliminals do…but we all know…inner changes will be tested by outside world…or will it not? there are certainly some guys with high flowfactor where this doesnt happen. But does this work with status aswell?

What is the soul? What is the self? Do other people exist or are they just parts of me that I havent integrated?

Nevertheless…I am understanding the consequences of my CPTSD and attachment trauma on my brain.
I am considering withdrawing from my family and friends for 3-6 Months now.
I am understanding that my brain is wired in a way that it only creates serotonin, dopamin and oxytocin when someone else (my mother or atleas the projection of her) allows it. I really need to form new pathways for brain chemistry. It goes that far.
I am understanding that my brain is wired so that when I feel love, it releases neurochemicals that make me feel trust aswell AND stress hormones that shut off my prefrontal cortex. Because of this I go into a fawn response and drop my boundaries as soon as I feel love around someone.
Knowing now that this is no mental thing but something that is wired in my brain…gives me some sort of peace.
It shows me…you cant will yourself out of those problems…

Still, I have hopes that the physical shifting mopdules will help. chat gtp says it takes 6month to 2 years to reform those proper neurotransmitter connections…lets see how much I can make it faster with the program I developed for myself with Neurofeedback, shamanic medicine and subliminals.

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#607

Today I have a big astrological event. Jupiter Return. On my Jupiter Chiron Conjunction. in Cancer 5th house.
Which Means: my biuggest wound (chrion) that is amplified by Jupiter is in the area of the mother archetype (nurturing) and my inner child and self expression (5th house).

It was a crazy day today. I was shown my childhood attachment pattern in a crazy synchronistic way.
And the culmination of my childhood is: I am missing warmth. I never experienced warmth in my childhood. This feeling of being welcome. This feeling of my needs being welcome. And I repeat and repeat and repeat it myself…pushing myself further and further…becoming a yogi to be a master of my needs and surpass them…kekW.

This goes so deep…this german cold efficency…where functioning is above all else. Where needs are like a service manual for a car…necessity to do so I keep “functioning”.

I really want to spend the next some months to change this innermost relationship with myself. I feel like I am allready on this way since a month or so actually. deep selflove. Valuing my own needs…starting to feel my own needs at first. Basic human stuff. I am realizing more and more that I spent most of my life fullfilling projections. Especially those of my parents. Rarely did stuff that anoys people or triggers them…being the bumper in all my relationships. stepping back when there is a conflict.

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#608

So today morning i decided to to be as warm and comforting to me as possible. Tonreally get to know my comfort zone. As all my live i lived outside of it.

Putting on a pant and feeling: its to tigth. And listing to that and getting another one.
Standing in front of the mirror and askimg myself: inwant to shave fully again?

I tried to speak out: yes and no…and the No made my body relax more…but the yes…sounded right. In the depth.
This made me have a deep revelation…my yes and knowm…that i feel in my body…arent wired to my soul. That was makes me relax with my yes…is the people pleaser inside of me…i feel a yes when i do not stuff for me but for the projections put onto me.

Idk…this is an existence crushing revelation…but i told my mind to stop…to not make up scenarios what this implies. And now i live in the now. Future and past have stopped existing somehow.

I saw a video sometime ago. About CG Jung and what he calls empath awakening. A moment in the live of the empath where something snaps. Where in this people pleaser with all this problems a miracolous transformation happens. Where from this once weak person with all these issues emerges a strong personality that cuts through everything. An empath who integrated the shadow.

Idk if this tranformation happens in a snap like he said. With ritalin i could go through that. But i feel like a switch has been flipped deep inside of me.

I know that even when i loose that clarity i would find it again. And this counts.

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#609

Will sleep over it but i feel this one to be good. Not so hyed aboir male enhancement and fat burn anymore…will sleep over it.
Rest feels quite nice to align with mywelf, get some more emotional ressilience and allign with my essence.

#610

Dreamt a lot today.
Realizing…i am making myself down so much dor being goalless…but in reality there is a fucking loop running in me…i havw dreams, goals amd things that i like. But those are things my internal critic diasaprovws to…and i burry them…most of the time before they come even tonmy conciousness…my inner critiq basically dissapproves of anything that doesnt give money or fame. Especially through the lens of how my parents raised me…and i have this loop goong on that when i do what I like, shame is created. When i live my authenticity i shame myself…aka. my brain creates stress and fear hormones.

Currently my own goals are continuimg to learn to be soft and warm with me…and to get that ptsd out of me…that believe that life is dangerous and that i have to be in fight mode all the time. That part of me that deems all light and soft things as weak and “soft”. That part of me that wants to harden up. Its not necessary. I dont need to become a warlord or fighter. Yes i meed to be able to have conflicts…but else…we live in times of peace where creativity and creation are important.

This inner sense of urgency…also part of ptsd.

Czrrently i have a plam for the rest of thos year…
Do that qi gong and tai chi course that start in 2 weeks. Continue my work with neurofeedback and other means to rebuild my brain. Draw when i have inspiration. Cool well for me. Care well for me. Build the deepest foundations of my life. For the first time. Healthy stuff that you sgould have learned in your childhood. To have those come out of myself rather than those be driven by shame and fear. I guess you could call this healthy self driven discipline.

But it does t feel good. I do the most lovong things foryself everyday. But i feel ashamed for it. I feel ashed for deeply caring for myself. And i have no clue what to do about it.

Also had a crazy sex dream with my exexGF. Was nice.

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#611

One thing i am realiting more and more…there is so much questioning of myself in my mind going on. Question if what i am doing is the right thing. Quwstioning if I am on the righr path…fuck…there is no right path. There is only my life. For which there is no right and wrong. I have money. What else is there to achieve other than happiness now? Its actually so easy.

#612

One of the greatest blocks i discovered yesterday…
I block my self from doing the right things…
The loop is as follows…
Inreally dont wanna do things anymore “because this is what my parents would approve of”. So what about simple things? Housework? Takong care lf the garden? I have this issue that my i so easily fall back into those circuits in my brain.

So i blockyself from doing the right things as its so easily to do them out of the wrong motivations.
And also if i start with the right motovation…its so easily to drop back into those circuits that say:
“You made you parents proud” again…
And there is that part that wants to become self sufficient and indefintley dont want to draw validatio from Something Outside of me or from those inteojects inside of me…

Realizing this…its okay to draw validatio from the internal father and mother…but tondissolve the connection to my “real parents”.

That feels like a strong realization…to change that plac eof my internal mother and father away from my real parents…and only have thosenarchetypes there…but tgis is deep. It feels like. Dunnoh if this is possible…

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#613

This video has a good take on this topic:

And also this one:

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#614

It’s not only possible but it’s already happening since you are having this conscious awareness of this loop pattern, it’s possible there’s more layers to it and the root goes deeper and it will be revisited it in different forms later but the fact you are clearly aware of it in your mind means it’s already unraveling!

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#615

Ordered this now. Feel quite good about it. Became big. But will run it solo for now.

#616

This last month of withdrawing is doing me good I feel like.
I am discovering more and more patterns. One thing I am very proud of is that I started to reduce my impulse buying. I made a list where I put on all the things that I want to buy. And I wait atleast some days till I buy that stuff. I drastically reduced my spendings that way and buy way less unnecessary stuff.

Slowing down my life liek this is strange. But at the same time very nourishing.

In this time of seculusion I am encountering what I have been missing my whole life: A mentor. A big brother. I guess someone to give me outside validation.
And I know. Its a fucking trap. Seeking outside validation. Really curious about this Combination of GLM, Living Truth and Art of trust that I have in my custom. This should hit exactly in that area.

Though. I start to understand. My neurotransmitters have been attached to the circuits that get oustide validation. So changing this takes time.

A word that just flashed in my mind is Recon Pattern.
I guess its important for my to dive into my own personal Recon Pattern to become more concious of when I am in reccon. (Or as trauma therapohy woudl say if I am in the trauma vortex). I would say: When I am in lack mindset. As all this journey that I took on since breaking up with my last GF and drawing back from the world is about one thing Root myself in a deep sense of abundance that is not dependent on anyone else. So I dont fall back into people pleasing behaviours. Again. GLM with those 2 Modules seem to be perfect for that. Really looking forward to that custom.

#617

Intense Day again. KB went from processing into execution today again.
Being confronted with the breakup with my exwife 5 years ago again.
While my mind is allready over it…my heart still aches. And thats okay. I guess this is what it takes. And to be brutally honest…it took me 5 years to become sober. Sober from Alcohol, weed, video games, nicotine, bingewatching, junk food. I guess now is the time when the actual grieving can start. Betrayal.

Its a pain that surpases words. Something that goes from my heart deep into my gut. That makes me want to vomit. A pain that feels like it crushes my intestines. Like everything in there is poisoned.

Today I am learning what it takes to process emotions. That hurt part…that feels all this pain. Needs holding. It needs someone to be there with it. When this hurt part screems in terror and says IT HURTS SO FUCKING MUCH. It doesnt need someone to explain it and say, “well it wasnt so bad”. I am realizing how much I am emotionally gaslighting myself all this time. These hurt parts need someone to be with them in the pain. And when they express it hurts like shit…for this part to say “Yes, I see that i fucking hurts like shit”. And that doesnt try to reduce that pain. With whatever…be it just the breath. Just witness. And maybe put in one foot into the dirt. This is what it means to emotionally hold someone.

And the irony is: I tried a new theraphist for 3 or 4 sessions. He didnt give me this. And it felt so strange. Realizing it now. But I guess…I am learning to do this myself now.
Thank you me. Thank you strong part of me. Thank you weak part of me.
I guess some deep lovebomb stuff going on aswell.

Kinda afraid…of all the stuff Ill put into my subconcious once the new custom arrives…VoL Custom is still very useful…Runnign both may be much. But I feel its needed.

#618

Woke up with a boner today, sexual energy rose up in front till the first eye. My mind is in good mood and bliss today. But my body is processing some deep coldness and heaviness. Its new for me to experience both these layers of my being simultanously.
Honour that my body needs time to process stuff. And give it that space. Tried to dance a bit, but this brought me deeper into the heaviness and pain and coldness. So I just decided to make myself some hot tea and sit myself onto my infrred mat on my couch. Not again go down that yogi path and shower cold to wake up my inner fire. Realizing that I did a lot of stuff that you do with a healthy nervous system to train it…but I have a hypersensible traumatized nervous system that needs a different approach.
So ill just try this for now. Sit on my couch and comfort me when I am in emotional pain.
Interesting…emotional pain. Its the first time I am taking these word seriously. Like in the past emotional pain would be something where my inner parent introjects woudl wave it off with a “pull yourself together”. But I realize it just now on a nervous system level: emotional pain is real pain. Emotional pain is as serious as pain from a broken bone or cancer. (My inner shaman reminds me that cancer is created by not processing emotional pain and letting it become denser and denser).

I am also processing my last relationship. It was a good relationship. For a part of me. But not for the man I am trying to become. The man I am trying to become (or becoming, as I realze I try way to hard :sweat_smile:) had no space in this relationship and wasnt interested at all in any of her social circles. So looking back: it was a romance, a lovership where far to deep feelings occoured.

I hope this theraphist is right and when I go through that process those feeling of falling in love wont be so hard in the future. As currently I have no interest in going there.

#619

Listened to just 0:10 of VoL Custom today. And it hits deep again. Sadly my new Custom didnt arrive in 5 Business days…ohh noes :frowning_face:

I am realizing That there is what I would call the reccon cycle going on inside of me. Stuff that arrives after every loop of listening. Grief about my ex-gf. Anger about my parents. Feeling of need for Justifications why I dont work and spend my time to build my foundation. Pain about a friend that I broke contact with. Anger about why my life is so hard.
This comes againa nd again. I thought: I just have to go through all off these feelings…again and again and sometimes they are gone. Realizing now: This is not how it works. When those triggers are touched and they create emotional reactions in the body (aka neurotransmitters and hormones). Its allready to late. have fun on the roller coaster. But I am starting to realize and recognize when those triggers are touched. When the emotional rollercoaster is about to start…and stop it. Emotional Containment…really proud on myself to learn that. The last some days I even managed during phases of intense emotions to tell myself These are just waves on the ocean

So a lot is changing currently in regards to how I handle emotions. How I manage triggers and how I can control my thought. With basically no drugs and medication. And currently taking a break of neurofeedback aswell to see where I am at. (And to see if it actually makes space in my nervous system or takes space).

I am doing quite well nowadays. The last week was rough. But I feel that was because I wasnt usinjg subs. I am quite sure now that the right amount of subliminal input makes my life easier not harder. It gives my brain something to work on. A direction And then it isnt so directionless that it just createes bad feelings just to create dopamine.

#620

Realizing these things about the reccon patterns thsoe things are essentielle the triggers for my life. And I ask myself if it is possible to contain them better so they dont cone out in my daily life and in the future. Lets seee how this will unfold.

#621

The last days are a lot about looking back at the alst relationship. It was very noruishing. Looking back I quit the relationship because it was so good but I was dependend on someone else for my life working out. And this made me afraid. I dont want to build my happiness on someone else anymore. I really dont wanna do this. I wann learn to be happy by myself. I guess GLM with Essence: Joy and Love will help here.