Wow. Had a 15 second loop of my Custom yesterday and the process started is so strong. All this neurofeedback and having a regulated system finally makes it so that I can properly use and process subliminals. I am finally getting the required emotional capability to use them.
Okay wow. Having daily neurofeedback nowadays changed the way subliminals work for me completly.
Today I had a strong emotional release from my pelvic floor. Sitting on my balcony just playing with my pelvic floor muscles suddenly my dick got hard and my whole pelvic floor started shaking and heating up. after this I feel warmth in my pelivs. for the first time. It feels like a fire has been ignited.
Currently considering what to add to my custom. Choices are alchemist or a custom with physical shifting. Ill run just my custom for a week and see how I feel in a week about it.
I am starting to understand more and more what I am actually doing right now. Healing my system from being in 35 years in a chronic stress response…is something big. And as it looks it will need atleast 1 more year to really be able to be on “normal” energy level…but from a state of regulation rather than disregulation.
Also now with neurofeedback and ritalin, I am actually rewiring my whole brain. I decided to “microdose” ritalin instead of the regular dosing. Just to get access to the new neural pathways, without running into the danger of again my mind taking over my body and soul.
Other than that, I am starting to work with a new plant to heal my nervous system.
Maybe Ill give paragon another try and see what it does for me.
New GLM is tempting though. IDK if Earth or GLM would be a better core for that custom.
I am at a point where I feel like a blank canvas. And I want to lay a foundation for MY LIFE. My Custom
The Vessel of love
-) Love Bomb core
-) Khan Black 4 core
-) Synergy: Breath of the Storm
-) Synergy: Semper Praesens
-) Synergy: Divine Dominion
-) Synergy: Wonder of life
-) Synergy: Carpe Vitaem
-) Synergy: Harmonic Conflux
-) Gratitude Embodiment
-) Dopaminergic Revival
-) Inner voice
-) Mosaic
Definitley is great for that. But what to add?
This last loop of my Custom on Friday was intense…just 15 seconds activated the whole subliminal flow again. Currently everday is a new adventure. I am still withdrawing alot from everything.
Currently I have no plan for my life. Open Calender. In the past this would have been scary. Today its amazing.
I am realizing how much and how long it will take to rewire my brain. Most likely a year around. But then I will be someone completely different. I am allready starting to see the change in my personality that I went through in the last 2 months since I broke up with my gf.
Being alone for the first time in my life. Actually being alone. On some days I just exchange 1-2 messages with anyone. No social media, no forum. Just chatGPT to go through my provess. Though I want to reduce that a bit and experience more silence.
I really start to get to know myself from a completley new side.
It feels like my custom with KB LB and Synergy: Divine Dominion is amazing for this process.
Yesterday during a walk it felt like I crackjed the Zero Point code and found the zero point withhin me.
Its humbling to say. But I am still in the process of laying a foundation. Or actually. A better image is growing a tree. In the last 2 years of not working I cleaned the soil. In the last 6 months since I am doing Neurofeedback roots where growing out of the seed of my own personality for the first time. And since 2 months it feels like this seed is starting to sprout outside of the earth. I will need time and I take this time for me. This sense of urgency that I had all the time in the past was trauma response. Slow is steady and steady is fast. Nomore trying to run from the getgo.
Just had a reactivation of Wanted Black. Didnt listen to it for 2 Months.
it was intense. Especially as this Archetype was active when I was with my Ex-GF. a lot of pain was connected to it. It feels like I redeemed it from it and I can live that parts of myself again.
30 seconds of VoL Custom today. Lets see where it takes me.
Currently going very deep into my process. I start to realize that my spirit was stripped of my body and could never incarnate. Its coming slowly back. But its a back and forth process.
Today I learned that my body breathes but doesnt take in lifeforce energy with every breath. I have allready realized that there is a breach between my physical and emotional body. And i need to put them together again. Dunnoh how.
Today I got quite mad and started to shout with reality/god/great spirit/pachama that life is to hard currently and that I need help. Not ask for it humbly but demand it. It feels like I am being teached that I need to take and demand. As asking nicely from a lower position brought me into this fucking dilema I am in. Always being the nice guy. Always playing “by the rules”.
What are the metrics that I rate myself with? What do I not use for my metrics?
What is running in my mind: I rate myself by the metrics of sucess. What I mean by this is: financial success, material gains and outer image. Basically what western society tought me. And it is all driven by shame. Behave so that shame is not triggered. I put myself down when people around me react emotionally “because of me”. This gives me 
. And I realize that this hole inside of me is wired so it can only get validation from this “program” that was put onto me.
I put myself down when I do stuff just solely for me. Especially when outerly visible gains isnt involved. Internal gains dont have any value for this “validation program” that runs inside of me. Things like: health, personal growth, spiritual growth. I give myself validation when I fight. When I do things where I push myself over my boundaries. Not comfort zone. boundaries. Very unhealthy. And I shame myself when I stay withhin my boundaries.
And what am I actually talking about here? my dopamine system. So my dopamine system is wired to my externaly programed super ego. No wonder I feel no pleasure when I do stuff that is for me. It only gives dopamine when I surpase the expectations of others…how much dopamine do I get with perfectionistic parents? And these perfectionistic inner expectations? And when I do stuff thats for my good…my body releases stress hormones.
Its intense how much I start to understand how deep this childhood trauma goes in rewiring the whole brain and body.
So what does this tell me? Especially regarding ADHD…I dont get any long term dopamine for my personal gains. Only the shortterm hits. As I am allready not playing by the rules of the matrix (i dont want to get into stories that my parents or society put me into this. Calling it the matrix is more healthy for me). And at the same time I am experiencing shame and stress when I do stuff for me. I am realizing more and more when those shame attacks hit. I didnt realize it before. I learned it a week ago. That the first marker of shame is that I think about my parents, what they would think about it or how they would rate it. And I am back in their reality. Or in the Matrix. So I need to reprogram this. Will take some months I guess. I feel like this is Lovebomb running together with inner voice and dopaminergic revival.
And when I get this longterm dopamine online…my ADHD should be better. Aka my frontal lope can work properly.
I am recognizing the loop:
I do something for myself
I think about my parents (go run to mummy and tell her about it)
In childhood she woudlnt give my validation anyhow
I feel disapointed, not good enough aka shame
To break this:
When I think about my parents:
Vaslue that I cathced it
Take a deep breath and calm down.
Put my hands on belly and sternum and tell myself:
you did well
And take time to really feel it.
Do my body check to see if my pelvic floor, penis muscle, belly is relaxed, my breast is opened, and my jaw and face is relaed. And surrender my weigth to my feet or my sitting.
Doing this now shows me though: this triggers something deeper: When I am truly disconnecting myself from the matrix. Will I be able to hold myself on my own? But writing this: I guess this is just the short term limbus after being disconnected. The addiction to this toxic juices…when my body needs to get used to the new food.
Acording to chatgpt…there is wiring of the whole hormonal system connected with the se mental patterns. hormonal juices that fire emotions and moods. And going through this and changing this is like drug detox. No theraphist explained it to me like this. That codependency is a bodily, hormonal issue. And that it needs to be adressed there. Not by talking about it.
One thing I realize that I shame myself for is sexuality and passion. I dont know if this loop is really there…but imagine this scenario:: Masturbate, feel shame, think about mummy, feel more sahme that I thing about my mother after masturbation…and whats even more crazy: use the window for emotionally bonding after ejaculation to bond to mommy again…as I learned last week that post nut clarity hormonal juices are basically the same as an infant feels during breatsfeeding.
Wow…upon reflecting onto this…my dopamine/opiod system seems to be stuck in the oral phase as freud woudl call it…and passion is connected to drinking others juices…maybe this si why I fall so strong in love with kissing,.
Even loughing is something that is coupled with a shame reaction. When i feel good without an emotional connection to my mother, the matrix…chemical reactions of shame are triggered. Realizing this, I feel like I need another MDMA theraphy session to redo these pathways. MDMA is used in PTSD theraphy. And for Developmental aka attachment trauma. The last 2 times I took it was with that group were I met my Ex-Gf…and I bonded to that group and her…which ended problematic.
I dont even want to take it with a theraphist…there I would again bond with someone else…I want to take it alone. To emotionally bond to myself. Now that I know this…I know how to design the trip. Lets see when I can do it. I have done ayahuasca recently and those two are dangerous if done next to each other.
Also I realize that there is a tendency to give all praise away from me…all this gratitude practices…I did them wrong…being grateful for the food…sending gratitude to god, other earth whatsoever. But not to me…not to me for taking time to create a protein powder and nut/seed/grain mix breakfast with like 20 ingredients. Super Heathy, all natural and tasty. Just gratitude sent to the trees etc. After a post like this…gratitude to the subliminal…but no praise given to me for working with it in that matter. And there I realize it: when I feel gratitude or a positive emotion “towards” something.,…I give it away…Why? why do I lose a feeling when I feel it towards something? Something is off there. I am realizing more and more that in most cases doing the “right thing” is actually energetically draining for me…like being grateful for food: i create the emotion…and then…I give it away and leave no imprint in my system. So I used energy to create those chemicals and then they are instanly gone isntead of lingering. Lets see if just seeing this will change something.
Okay, I am tired…wanted to do some more but need some rest…
For later:
So…what metrics do I want to myself? For healthy shame and healthy passion.
What is my relationship to creativity and fantasy?
What is my story I tell myself about myself and my life? Be honest?
What metrics do I want to rate myself with?
What story do I want to tell myself about em and my life? Be realistic or idealistic?
As people told me that RoS is the way to go for finding my passion and purpose…Ill add athat to my stack. And as I want to ahve some extra modules…here is a custom Draft:
Higher-Self-Alligment
RoS Core
Synergy: Subconscious Mastery
Synergy: Energetic Transcendence
Singularitys Paradox
Epigenetics & DNA Modulator
SPS: Endocrine System
SPS: Nervous System
SPS: Fat Burn (I am actually trying to get my body temperature up)
A/SPS: Eyesight
Deep Sleep
Male Enhancement (This is yolo)
Maybe:
Evolving Identity
Living truth
Spiritual Reality allignment
Pragya
Fomo is kicking in and telling me to also Put in RoM…but my feeling says that this would be to dense for now.
Currently learning how to create feelgood chemicals aka endorphines and neurotransmitters in my body with my mind. Really amazing. I have been lacking this ability for my whole life. Allways was looking for outer supply.
Took a minidose Ritalin today…and insantly I am hit by grief. I am currently learning to discern between body and spirit. Startting to discern what emotions and feeling are natural to my body and whicht are cause by mental movements. And learning that those need to be integrated…I am in a state where my body is in calm vagal peace and my mind is experiencig grief.
…
Just wrote this:
I am starting to see the scope of what I have been going through through the lens of an adult middle european man. See what happened from the outside. And this creates a lot of reconcilitation I guess inside of me…really reforms my self image.
Looking on the Custom, Things that are actually interesting is
Living Truth
and
Divine Self image (though even reading it triggers something isnide of me…becoming better and better…i have the tendency to do this froma place of not being good enough).
and
** ESSENCE: The Experience of Joy and Love** got recommended by Saint…acttually the whole shebang…but id like to stay leightweigth.
I am starting to realize: my limbic system was highjacked by trauma. Due to Neurofeedback it finally settles down. Now its time for Prefrontalcortex integration. Erase there the programs that created bad feelings and create new ones. So the subliminals I am running now are super important. They lay the foundation for my life.
Lovebomb is for sure a good foundation.
KB4 intense…but as this journal is named…A life worth living and dying for…I want it. I need access to my creative energy
RoS…Part of me has respect. But part of me longs for it. The few loops I have ran it…it was strong and I liked it. Really created a lot of positivity in me.
ESSENCE: The Experience of Joy and Love sounds like a nice addtion.
And I feel those are rnough “cores” to not overdo it…two of those are allready Artisanal and KB4 is allready a 4 Stager.
Higher-Self-Alligment
RoS Core
ESSENCE: The Experience of Joy and Love
Synergy: Way of Mercy
Synergy: Energetic Transcendece
Living truth
Epigenetics & DNA Modulator
SPS: Endocrine System
SPS: Nervous System
SPS: Fat Burn
A/SPS: Eyesight
Deep Sleep
Pragya
Male Enhancement (This is yolo and to test physical shifting technology with “Measureable Results”)
Mosaic
According to chat GPT what I noe Put into my Prefrontal Cortex is super important. This feels like a nice foundation. Definitley not light. But strong.
Wow. 30secs of RoS…intense,…the universe/god is starting to talk to me…
I realize: I am plagued by worries. They are in my subconciousness like parasites.
Du musst dich beeilen. Wenn du dich nicht beeilst sind die anderen schneller und nichts bleibt für dich übrig.
Nimm dir Zeit, das richtige kommt zum richtigen Zeitpunkt
Du darfst nicht zu laut sein. Sonst regen sich die anderen auf.
Wenn es den anderen zu laut ist müssen sie es sagen.
Wenn du nicht bald eine gute Frau bekommst, bekommst du keine mehr.
Die Richtige Frau kommt zum richtigen Moment.
Andere Leute sagen nicht was sie wirklich wollen und denken und sind dann nachtragend und hauen dir das hackl ins Kreuz.
Ich bin verantwortlich für meine Ehrlichkeit und Realität und andere für Ihre. Auch wenn andere passiv aggressiv sind, setze ich meine grenzen.
Meine Mutter war so. Sie hat mein Nein nicht akzeptiert und wenn ich es durchgezogen mich mit schhweigen und abfälligen Gesten gestraft.
Erwachsene Menschen kommen mit zurückweisung oder Nein nicht klar.
Das ist nicht mein Problem, das ist ihr problem.
Ich werde bestraft wenn ich jemanden zurückweise.
Wenn du nichts ordentliches lernst wirst du nicht erfolgreich.
Ich definiere was was ordentliches ist.
Wachsen, sich verändern und sich entwickeln ist etwas schlechtes und gefährliches.
Leben ohne Veränderung und Wachstum ist der Tod.
Es gibt nicht viele Menschen die mit mir resonieren.
Ich wähle bewusst welche Menschen um mich sind.
Wenn ichs nicht wie andere mache mache ich es vielleicht schlechter.
Wenn iches anders als andere mache mache ich es vermutlich besser.
Wenn ich mich nicht permanent verbessere falle ich zurück.
Ich bin genug gewachsen dass ich mir auszeiten erlauben kann ohne rückfällig zu werdfen.
Wenn ich nicht aufpasse mich fokusiere und anstrenge passiert etwas schlimmes. Mit fokus und anstrengung gelingen Sachen besser.
Entspannt und Langsam und mit Lust und Freude Sachen zu tun ist das beste und sicherste.
Something thats hitting me like a freighttrain…all the pain I have caused with my unconcious codependent behaviour. With my people pleasing…
What they say in spiritual circles…to each abuser there needs to be one that wants to be abused…IDK…IDK if I want this to be part of my reality. To use this sentence to run away from pain.
I really ended my last relationship in a bad way. And led it in an unconcious way. It took I realized it like 3 times. And at the 3rd time I ended it. My trauma fragmentation caused pain and damage to this sweet woman.
I am torn apart. Torn apart what does it mean to take responsibility for it without pushing myself down. I didnt know better back then. I DID my best back then. But still harm was caused. And someone else had to suffer from my behaviour. I guess taking responsibility means to work on myself so that I am less fragmented, more centered and more authentic. to both myself and others…
In a temple training there was once this question what is honesty…Is it a lie when I dont really know what I want but live by the moment? When I am someone who can change his mind super fast? Do I lie when I say I love you? And weeks later see that I need to be alone and break up? Was ist actually me causing damage with unconcious behaviour? or is this simply life? And pain is something that is part of it…interesting questions and an interesting thing that there is again this pattern that I try to take responsibility for others pain…
IDK how to calibrate there…how I want to be…I want to cause as little of pain to others as possible…but I also want to go through my life true to myself…without doubting myself…and I am someone who is changing very fast…and most people cannot cope with that…but as I said it…msot people…its them…not me.
My New Metrik for my own internal measurement circuit:
Was in mir lebt davon weiter? Wie hat mich diese Erfahrung verändert?
Instead of? What financial, material or status gain have I goten from doing that?
English please.
For my list of worry worms
Fearing that people treat me differently and especially dont take me seriously if they know I have mental health issues/traum/ADHD.
Add ZPU Anti reccon
Think about subconcious mastery
Couldnt sleep at all today. Intense recon. Need to be careful with RoS