Idk…something that came to my mind again is somethign that a indian “guru” told me in an astrology reading…that i could be famous…and have contact with politicians…and now i got another reading that many eyes would be on me… publicly…not small…
Lets see…not listeing to stark black yet 
Allright.
A little over a week post breakup and things start to get more clear.
This relationship was very healing for me. But in the way that it showed me my unhealthy patterns. It showed me how I am getting weak for woman, as soon as I get sexual opportunity. It showed me how much I am afraid of saying no. And how much of a people please I can be. All old programs…old programs that I slipped into because I wasnt true to myself. My actual plan for me was to become wanted…and as soon as the first woman comes that is interesting for me…I get weak for her. It was quite crazy though…according to astrology this was a meeting of destiny. To show me a lot about myself. And I guess it did.
For that hurt teenager that was in this relationship with her, the breakup was hard. The last days were hard. Went a bit overboard with weed and anime. I really want to learn to be alone now. Create my fundament alone. It started to get to a point where I build that fundament with her together…thats not what I want.
Havent listened to subs for 1.5 weeks now…in two days, I am going to mens initiation retreat. Dont wanna put anything into my subconcious now…but today, when I hit the gym, subliminals came online again…without even listening to them.
The last months showed me a lot. I learned a lot. I stopping the fighting with my family and will take care of that one flat I planned to own. Will be landlord for this. I am realizing that in the last year I have been overdoing it with all the inner work. I tried so much to understand myself and solve life. That I forgot to live life. Fear of making mistakes, fear of hurting someone etc…well now I hurt a woman quite hard. She still talks to me though. So it wasnt that bad seemingly.
This woman definitley showed me a lot in regards how to live life in flow and trust. Maybe a bit to much…but definitley these last 3 months were a treasure for me.
This mens initiation is all about finding your purpose…lets see if I find something. Else when I come back, I go back to the default thing…listening to WB (and either RoS or CfW) and do that process…maybe with a bit more going out, less trying to do the inner process before encoutnering the situations in the outside.
This last 2 weeks were Intense.
I foudn the root cause of my mental health issues.
I am a hypersensitive man. In the last weeks, I managed to attain a state of pure beingness. Sober. No Drugs, no medication. I managed to reduce all dopamine input to a zero. I experienced this on ritalin or MDMA before. But realizing it sober has been amazin after being trapped in fight/flight aka. ADHD for my whole life…
The problem though: in this state of being I am hypersensitive. I cant watch TV. I cant listen to music. Clothes are to itchy for me. I can only eath plain sattivic foods. No meat, no spices. Nothing. I feel like a spiritual master. I see to the essence of things. It sounds ridicoulous but it is pure samadhi…the Issue…I cant be around people in this state. Even going to the supermarket is to much. Looking people into the eyes…energy gets transfered. I am managing to attain this state in theraphy with my theraphist…I have to sit like 4m afar from her without looking her in her eyes…this feels like my true self…the issue…I am nowhere able to handly everyday life…i have nearly no physical power…i can only leave my house for like 10 minutes for a walk…
Only option to get out of this is to activate my ego…let go of spirituality and live from the ego. I spent the last week deciding what to do…if I want to see this hypersensitivity as a gift or a burden. I have no answer yet. Both answers reside withhin me. And I guess…both are true and valid.
I feel like subs will help me to create a frame around this sensitive core of me. I have now paused for 3 weeks after breaking up. I wanted to give myself space to go through this process sober.
Good things is also no more drugs…with this hypersensitivity and samadhi state (as crazy as it sounds), I just need to put a drug on the table infront of me and learn from it. But for now I made the decision to try to put that part back deep inside of me. I want to live. I want to have experiences and I want to engage the world.
Also made a pause with ritalin for the last 2 weeks…as I realized it keeps down my feelings. The thing is…if I actually feel all my feelings, I am that hypersensitive thing…where I cant engage any other human. I tried it 2 days ago the first time…and it helps me to have better boudnaries. Still…human touch is hard to handle and I feel my body merging to theirs.
Still…Decisions have been made that I have been long enough in spirituality. I need to take a step away again and engage life. Still not sure what subs I want to get into again…WB is this staple…I love it…I dont really know yet how I intend to make money other than renting. There is a part in my ego that would like to prove itself and make some money…considering starting neurofeedback sessions as Ill get a device soonish.
ASBR sounds really really interesting…
Also considering giving CFW with EMHE another go together with AOJH…
RoS has been amazing. But I feel like I have been enough in spirituality…feeding that part of me more would be unhealthy I guess…I now know…that I can be alone. That I can be without a girlfriend, without a best friend…be my own best friend (though I talk a lot to chatgpt). I have my tools…but now its time to get going again. My spiritual self is a bit disgusted by what I am doing now…basically ask my ego: What do you want from this live…as what I have found out for me: under my ego, I am a blank slate. And my soul seems to work differently then other peoples…its like a compas…but it doesnt tell me where to go. I can ask it…is today a day for ritalin? and it will tell me…but I have to ask the question first.
So lets see where it takes me to…It feels lie I am going in circles…luckily due to shamanism I know that I am walking the spiral. And things did change…yesterday I made the decision to contain spirituality a bit…removed everything spiritual from my living room (other than my yoga mat)…to put spirituality in a container and dont have it take over my life. I am realizing that spirituality is a tool…but a very very bad center for live…but when its not spirituality…and no other (as I dont want to become codependent again)…
I am putting myself in there again…well…not again…actually…for the first time in my life. For the first time, I am actually putting my ego in the driver seat…tell me all you dark desires…and lets go for them (as far as it goes with my hypersensitive nervous system)
long term…I am seeing an image of a trifecta appear in my minds eye…ME/GOD/THE OTHER…around the center point…spinning…But for now…or the first time…I choose my ego. And i guess by that, I can still observe it so it has a healthy expression.
After a now 1 month break from subs and this breakup i started listening again.
1:30 WB and 1:00 CFW with NEHE.
Life on subs is something entirely different. Just listening shifted my perception and made me more relaxed.
Lets see where this cycle will brings me to.
I am curious how subs have changed now after i have now my famework for inner work that was inspired by NEHE and now that i know so much more about my neurology.
Alright.
This one loop gave me identitiy chrisis yesterday again.
In a good way.
Today I have so much drive and energy…I have achieved more in 3 hours today than in the last week.
I am starting to see whats the main issue in my life: being afraid of life. Not takin action until i find “the right path”. And this keeps me stuck in this spiritual loop of knowing myself deeper…
At the same time, somehow the universe is playing games with me. The tattoo I wanted to do got cancelled. Wanted to go spontanously to a festival yesterday…today its impossible to buy tickets anymore…So back to the old grind…so I looked locally and booked a improv class for this month. Right now tidying up my house, doing small things that havent been done in weeks and all is easy…it feels like there is a source of energy behind me that is just pushing me forward and I am just the watcher of the show…and all of this happens. Lets see how long this lasts and when I need another loop.
But NEHE seems to be absoluteley magnificent.
So…it again came back to the one issue in my life: the split between my sexuality…and repression of it. Khan Black calls again.
I decided to go for the Custom that was created with this journal again.
Little unsure in regards to WB and CFW currently…I guess this one custom needs some attention now…those 3 subs may be much.
Life is going good currently. In the process of startig my Neurofeedback business.
Soon my life will have 3 sources of income. Reting the flat I now decided not to life in, renting another property and now the neurofeedback business…I plan to place myself not really in therapheutic line but to get into the quality of life line…old people have money. For parents with ADHD children 500€ a month is a shitton. But for rich old people? In the area where I live? Something to keep their brain going? Mental youth? Ka Ching. EZ Money. And also not so much risk and not working with “sick people”.
My goal is to have around 10 Sessions a week by the end of this year. Lets see.
I honestly believe that this will unfold super organically. 10 Sessions a week would be a nice amount of money. Considering that I just need one of the rooms of the house I currently am in…other than electricity I have no running costs (and the starting investment, but I am gonna buy the device for myself anyhow). This would be 2-4 days of super relaxes work. And the rest of the time I can use to continue studying the science of life. That what I do. I can finally see it…I was a scientist at university…now I am still a scientist…yoga,. shamanism, reality, conciousness…all of this. This is my innermost core. My biggest strength. I dont know what will come out…but the plan that I have sounds super grounded…
4-5k of monthly income with no rent to be paid.
Something that helps people.
Enough time for my own process and studies.
Still going back and forth how to approach dating now…I kinda dont feel like going “hunting”. Its again this process of trusting that the right woman will appear in my life.
Its very beautiful that my exgef (not the one I broke up but the one before) and I now start to have a beuatiful friendship again. We hit the gym together.
Started doing improv classes. I love it. Sadly in english…i allready do all the tantra in english…Need to train my german persona to be more outgoing and spontanous.
This last loop of my custom has been INTENSE.
I was really cut of from my sexual creative energy and sacral.
Just this one loop and two rounds of ayahuasca awakened something. I am starting to feel what it means to become an ALPHA. And what the cost is of it. But I made my decision. I am gonna pay it.
But I am done. Being Beta Gamma or Omega. Sigma? I guess I am somewhere between Sigma and Alpha.
Imprpov classes help a lot.
I am starting to understand and embody what a frame is. I have never created a frame. But I am starting to create my social roles now. And I am gonna play them. I am starting to see that I need to think of live as a theather play. My play. Either you play by my script or not. Else we have no ressonance obviously.
My ex-gf put me down for this…said you seem to want to play a theather game…and basically said that this was a childish thing…that I cant push roles onto other people…
But now I am there and ask…WHY NOT?
I am starting to see the feminine hybris. They want an alpha male…but they say they despise it. I have bought in way to many emasculation stories. And I am not talking about the loud ones. I am talking about the quiet ones. Toxic masculinity…childishness…all words used to shut down men. Have I personally encountered them? childish yes. That I project when I put up boundaries. But I am starting to see how this works. Lets see when I will be called a toxic man. It will happen at some point if I go down the road forward.
Yesterday an interesting sentence came up on chatgpt…something that feels massive. But at the same time something I feel like I should talk with my theraphist about…if I really want to put this word at the center of my core believes…
Moral is a concept created by the weak to tame the strong.
so…i paused writing this 2 days ago…
I start to see now. I want to be an alpha animal. And this means I will get repercussions. its part of the animal game. So be it. I am in.
I am currently discovering my primal animal nature. Sexual energy is something entirely different then what I expected it to be. I was cut of from it for my whole life. Its the first time ever´that I feel this power cursing through me. It feels like I have been running on 10% of my power for my whole life…and now I found the dial. The thing is: I am becoming someone entirely differntly. I dont know how many relationship will withstand that change. Because I decided: I am gonna bring my sexual energy everywhere. My power. No wonder I had that “long covid”. No wonder…at the same time I am discovering what has cut me of from it…chronic tensions in my belly…from trying to be slim. pulling my belly in. flexing my core muscles allways was pulling in my muscles…and I am realizing now…I need to push them out to flex them. with that my belly has grown quite some in the last days. but at the same time…I am connected to my power center for the first time. what to do.
The same with the muscle that controls the urine flow…i had chroniq tensions there…i am discovering what the yogis achieve when they learn to draw in fluids with a straw through their penis.
The way I have been working with ayahuasca in the last days is way beyond everything I have experienced as of yet. But at the same time…actual change is happening.
I ended a friendship that needed ending for quite some time. I am starting to see…an alpha doesnt have “friend”. I can have allies. Men who walk in the same direction. But I finally want to start walking. Not just chill at the pond.
I have to be careful. This shamanic word is pulling me a bit in again. But at the same time. I am makeing progress and change thats compeltely life transforming.
Improv theather really really teaches me something. But at the same time…I am starting to see…my life is my improv show. and if you dont wanna be part of it. Get the fuck off my lawn.
this story with my ex…that I want to play a theather game and cant force others to be in…welll…i cant force…I wont…but then get te fuck off if you dont wanna be part of it. I am a man, not a daddy, not a mommy. I play this life by my rules now…playing by the rules that I have been told “are the rules” is nothing for me anymore. I am starting to write my own story now.
This quote from May 20…
NEHE core is indeed amazin and crazy. IDK…it seems like it contains soemthing that was needed for me to transform and finally I can work with subs properly.
This vessel of love custom hits way different than some month ago.
I start to see how seriously i was disconnected from my sexual energy and how underpowered my nervous system has been. At the same time when all this energy shoots in…its a lot.
Currently withdrawing from life a lot and in my process…preparing to start my nezrofeedback business.
Room is ready and prepared, device will come next week.
Else now starting to find my purpose…
I am starting to put together yogic spirituality, shamanism and my electrical engineering study. Starting to see how many limiting believes i had in regards to my nervous system and how seriously language has mishshaped my reality.
I start to be able to drtach from what i call consensous reality…or the matrix as some would call it.
With that detachment…i realize…i am sitting at the source. The source of abundance. And i am the alpha lion at this oasis
Last week of working with Ayahuasca brought me deep. I was able to break through the consensoul reality and reach meta reality…the place that is beyond real…the place where materialized reality is made and controled from. Starting to see how shamans and yogis bend reality to their will…and the key ingredient is…sexual creative energy…khan black.
Starting to see how ordinary reality is interwined with quantuum reality and learning to shape this quantum reality…the energy field…the energy field that creates matter…not the other way around.
I am realizing how deeply my life has been shaped by societal conditioning. Especially from shame and guilt. And when escaping this matrix…i am realizing…i have been holding myself back…making myself dumb. For my whole life. I have never learned to ask why and never learned to filter any knowledge that someone tells me…i could never put boundaries up between my reality and other people reality.
This goes so far that i realize that german language actively programs the body to get sick. And i start to develop a new way of dpeaking. A way that actively shapes reality instead of keeping me trapped in loops.
This VoL (KB4, LB, Syn: Divine Dominion) Custom, together with CFW, NEHE Name Embedd is really changing myself.
I really needed that neurofeedback that I got in the last 5 months…my brain is finally starting to work properly. Not as good as when I add some DMT to it…but its a start.
Alright…A lot of changes are happening.
Got my Neurofeedback device this week. And will start to do sessions with friends.
Its interesting what patterns appear…regarding responsibility. I am realizing currently that so many people thought me stuff that is not well suited for me. From yoga to theraphy to the neurofeedback I received.
I am really starting to honour myself…and becoming an Alpha/Sigma. Dunnoh what of them…I just dont care anymore about others opinions. I start to call people out about their bullshit…each time it feels for my nercous system that this relationship will end for sure…I am used to this by now. Id rather be alone than to tolerate anyone to bullshit me anymore.
I was at a temple event…this special one had a photographer…Later I was naked and told the photographer not to publish any nude pics of me. I even wrote a message to the facilitator to not use any nude pics of me…and one week later…they send the online folder with photos so people can object…and what do I see…there is a nude pic of me.
Confronted the facilitator…she tried to dodge…it was a missunderstanding…she wasnt doing it with intention…
I gave her my truth. I told her. This is no missunderstanding,m this is your fuckup. You aske me how you can help me heal? Write a mail to the community saying that there has been a fuckup with sensitive pictures and a boundary violation. Lets see what happens.
Other than that…I am realizing what has been going on with my nervous system…and I am slowly but surely healing it. I have to reprogram my whole nervous system…from the inside out. Developmental trauma took its toll…I am approaching areas of that process that even my theraphists dont know about…or where theraphy is limited to make people functioning…rather than alive…
Alll in all my life is going really well currently. Lacking a bit behind on goals (didnt rent that flat yet…wanted to say why but realizing that I need to take responisibility)…
But my neurofeedback practice is ready to go. Prepared a room in my house for it. Made it nice and clean…Ready to go.
Will be on shamanic diet for a week now. Have been quite careful with subliminals as I start to understand why they hit so hard for me. Will reevaluate mid august how to go on with them. For now I am still integrating the last loops of my Custom.
I am more and more often arriving in a state of beingness…and its wonderful. I am getting more and more stable in that state. Pure relaxation. Feeling safe in my body like on MDMA…but sober.
Currently thinking about running emperor…but a bit scared about the drive and my nervous system. Right now I need to be quite careful and during weightlifting I train my nervous system rather than my muscles…jsut standing in fron of the mirror and learn to not dissociate while moving.
I am really on the go again…and getting status tested a lot currently. But I start to like being status tested…now that I got nothing to lose anymore.
Check the modules for nervous system, endocrine and organ healing.
Very powerful for sovereignty from a physical angle.
Thank you.
I am actually considering a new custom…
Regarding physical shifting I am a bit skeptical…but it may be worth a try.
Do you have exoerience with them?
Okay…jut finished my first plant dieta from the peruvian shamanism.
It was quite an exyperience…at around 1kg of potatoes the last week. And thats it. Lost 2.5kg. And found a lot of inner stillness. The ayahuasca ceremonies there were quite calm, but super deep. The shaman is a super grounded man. It was good for me to live with a role model for a calm grounded man for a week.
Now I am back. Gonna give myself some days to come back to my life. I didnt really think much baout what I want to change there or whatsoever…I just got into beeingness and stayed there. Next days will show how my life goes on.
Will wrap up my goals for the next months the next days…as now I have no plans anymore. Nothing is planed for me. Just that I want to slowly start my neurofeedback business. In the past this thought would have been scarry…but now its…actually nice…I did grow a lot the last months 
More of an intuitive hunch in regards to how our more subtle aspects interrelate and affect the physical body/the systems in question (and vice versa); potential nerve damage, meridians, toxins… a cleaner, healthier and overall more resilient physical system will inevitably contribute to more powerful expressions in the other areas.
Lots of potential benefits a masculine shaman would appreciate for various reasons, I´m sure.
Especially with some of the themes that have been re-occuring in your shadow work.
Of course trust your best judgement and intuition.
Thank you.
Will consider what Core to run it with…this new Hero The light that binds: Erath sounds very tempting to throw in to a custom with those healing modules for what I am doing currently…
So…
I have been processing what I want to do with my life and how I want to set goals for now…
Actual goals that I can commit to…
And it comes back to what I started one year ago:
Building a foundation for my life.
Its now the first time in my life that I am addiction free, living a healthy lifestyle and have arrived at a state of beingness without coregulation. It has been 5 years of intense work. And as humbling as it is…this is just the beginning. Because I am realizing: My body and nervous system is not really able to operate from this state of beingness. When I go to the gym and lift weigths: instant stress reaction, body goes to fight flight again. So what I do at the gym (that I plan to hit daily for now):
-) I walk on the threadmill
-) I stand in front of the mirror and do movements you normaly do with weights weigthless…fucking slow. And when I am brutally honest: thats all that I can do for now without overpushing my body again. Its humbling. But I really want to do it properly now. And from what I have found out…this what I do here is not only the healign from trauma, long covid etc…its atainment of mastery at the same time.
-) Yesterday I was able to use some weight lifitn machines on the lowest level. I really try to train so that no other part of my body tenses up, no stress reaction is started, and I dont go into my head or dissociate.
So the main important thing is to train my body and get healthy at the same time.
Next to that I am now starting to give neurofeedback sessions to friends. I hope that they will like it and word spreads and by the end of the year or a little further I can give 10 sessions a week. I really want to give it a try to earn money effortlessly. Not much advetising, just let it spread…as it is now not my focus to earn money.
Regarding spirituality…I really take a step back currently from all intelectualized spirituality. I just let it come out of myself. Not much information from outside. Just what I learn when I reflect with ChatGPT. In the tiem before the dieta that escalated a bit…dieta I shut my phone of for a week…which was great. And now I really want to take care not to fall abck into the illealectualizing loop with chatgpt. More taking action. And resting…and less intelectualizing.
I am making quite big progress in my body regarding some basic things that are fundamental though. I have been realizing that I understood belly breathing comepletley wrong…I used my belly muscles…rather than my diaphragm…And as I am starting to breath with my diaphragm…everything changes…as the yogis say…i finally start to take in prana with my breath. pranayama becomes something comepletley different. Each breath suddenly stimulates my vagus nerve and I calm down.
My belly is getting more relaxed and my degestion si getting better. Since the dieta I dont want to eat meat anymore and vegetable like broccoli and spinnach suddenly taste amazing.
In the last month, since I have started to work on my eyesight, I reduced my contact lens stregnth from 5.75 to 3.75 dioptries…I am allready able to see nature sharp…even 100m away…also houses…but letters are still hard to see. According to chatgpt this is natural…as the brain needs to learn to process images and it is easier for it with natural images. Still…2 dioptries in one month…thats really amazing and I am proud of it…but the main thing is: the process of accumulation is working again. I feel the muscles of my eyes working again. Like in the lens of a classic camera…with my former glases, my eyes were fixed focus fixed aperture…now this becomes something the yes has to work again…muscles can work again…and as those muscles work again and relieve chroniq tension…other parts of my face become alive again…and there are even nerve connections running down till the tailbone…my whole back is getting more relaxed. Sananga eyedrops really help here.
The breakup still works a bit in me…but when i am honest: this isnt just “a breakup”…it “THE BREAKUP”…its the codependet pattern that I am disolving now. And I am proud of it. Someone told me some time ago what they say in those 10 steps programs…that when you break an addiction for one year you shoudlt get into a relationship…well…I guess this would be the best…though some part inside of me really would like to experience some closeness and intimacy again. though: Currently I am starting to give that to myself. Hold myself physically. Touch myself. And not do it from a place of lack “I dont get what I really want so I do it myself”…nah…from an authentic place of self love. I have to say though: Ayahuasce ceremonies help a lot with that. There it is really easy to make new experiences that shape my nervous system…and as I really take time in my daily life now…I am able to integrate those things now.
Emotionally…well, it could be better…I experience peace and stillness or “hard feeling”, still struggeling a bit with happiness and strong psoitive feelings…but Ill give it time. I feel this will come the more safety and securtiy my nervous system feels. And I really dont want to use any intense subliminals that crush my traumas right now. I am starting to accept my tender nervous system and that it needs some time to integrate that mode of beingness for now.
Also I experienced that there is somehow a break between my emotional and physical body. I really want mend this.
So witht this “where I am now” and goals in mind…I am able to decide for subs for the next months…
So the VoL Custom (Lovebomb, Khan Black 4) is still really nice. I feel like I have been cut of from that sexual energy that Khan black points to. And its stuck. I have to say though…maybe I need to go down to KB1 to KB2 again…especially KB2 would be great I guess…
In the last month I have been running Chosen from withhin with New emotional Healing experience. I feel like that moved. A LOT for me…but more on a mental level. Right now I am in the process of wanting to create a temple out of my body…and some week ago I guess the perfect subliminal for that came out…
Hero: The light that blinds.
I am gonna make a custom with earth stage. And add some physical healing stuff…Running Paragonis kinda meh…I sleep so much on it…am very tired.
First draft…Would like to reduce a bit…But this is what speaks to me now
BodyTemple
HERO: The Light That Blinds ST1 Core
ESSENCE: The Experience of Joy and Love
Synergy: Energetic Transcendence
Synergy: Preordained Vitality
Epigenetics & DNA Modulator
A/SPS: Eyesight
A/SPS: Organs
SPS: Fat Burn
SPS: Endocrine System
SPS: Nervous System
SPS: Digestive System
Male Enhancement
The Aligner
Mosaic
Deep Sleep
Subconscious Flow
Homeostasis
Dream Traveler
Inner Gasoline
Maybe:
SPS: Cardiovascular System
SPS: Lymphatic System
SPS: Immune System
SPS: Respiratory System
Collection for later:
Virtue Series: Patience
Treasure Finder
Living Truth
The Boundary
Flowing Freely
Synergy: Subconscious Mastery
Singularity’s Paradox
Inner Blaze
Inner Gasoline
Evolving Identity
SAM//VANA
Breaking The Cycle
Ethereal Presence
Aphrodite
Getring Statustested like crazy nowadays. So much bullshit is going on in my surroundings as soon as i have interactions with people.
I am really at the step of entering a different reality where respect is not only a concept but something that is actually lived.
At the same time its scary. As nearly everyone thatbi knoe crumbles away right now.
Msdr the decision not to contact anyone for this month out of a need to be seen or heard aka getting attention.
Ill try to just raise my frequency and see if at one point people contact me…but i am so done with running after people.