That’s so powerfull.
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The last 24 hours have been powerful.
For one. Reccon is a thing. Even 2 1Mins mincroloops create quite an intense mental processing load inside of me. Yesterday I had headaches most of the day.
This last week has been a back and forth in regards of what I want. I have been tested an proven by reality to what I want and to where I want to go.
What has come again and again. Is that there is this part inside of me that wants to be a son that makes his parents proud. This is an unhealthy part. I make my decision now. Such things as honour, duty and things alike (everytime I think about these things, I think about the disney movie Mulan). Are no things that are my values. Maybe though, I am not there In my dfevelopment as an Adult and man. And this will come…something resonates here. I feel that before there are things like duty, honour, giving your life for a value etc. ther needs to be freedom. Atleast for me. Before I am indipendent from my parents, I cannot give myself to any cause or something.
But I refuse any morals, ethics that include that as a child you are somehow called to serve your parents. And as I write this, I see the conflict inside of me. Honouring your parents, or being grateful to your parents has nothing to do with being obidient to them. It has nothing to do with following their advice. Its an inner attitude. An inner attitude that I treat them with respect. And I didnt do that.
I realized today, that I got into powergames with my parents. This is what is was all along. Powergames. Mostly between my mother and me…with my dad, maybe a bit. But as I write here mother and dad (not father), I see that there is still something going on with this. And yes. I pity him. I pity him for not stading up for himself as a man. But again. Here is my saviour complex at play. My inner child wants to push my adult to help my father. But this is not my role. I am not my fathers father. I am his son. Its his journey though life. If he asks, if he recognized me as me, as an individual, as a man, then I will help him, if it is withhin my boundaries and capabilities. But without that, I decide now, that I wont help him any further.
A memory comes up from the last family constellation. Where a man was so afraid of his wife, that he used his child as protection from her. He made her a child, so he is at peace from her nagging. I guess this is exactly what happened with me. But its just guesswork. So as a son, I declare to you dad: I wont save you from mother. And its interesting. the word mother, has a very dark taste to me. Its this strict mother. This mother that uses her child as an elongation of herself.
I learned something really interesting yesterday evening though…After my divorce and with all this narcisism stuff, something happened in my psyche…Before I started my process, I idolized my mother. I didnt see anything bad in her. With learnign about narcissism and the narcisistic mother, I projected that onto her. And only saw that in her anymore.
But as an adult I know: People are preople. They have good and bad sides. And as an adult (and ritalin helps me a shitton there) we can see (if we have become emotionally mature) both sides of one person in one person. Everyone has its shadow. The mother has her shadow. But also her beauty.
Yesterday I realized that I projected the good mother and the good father onto my best friend. And in my parents I only saw the bad sides. I split those up.
And as I see that, I ask myself more and more, how healthy my relationship with my former best friend was. I dont use any words like toxic or so anymore. I dont want to. We found each other. We gave each other for what we were subconciously looking for. I am deeply deeply grateful for that. But I see now that what we fed to each other was no healthy food.
There were some Parents, Child projections in our friendships. I tried to prove my worth to him. I somehow was in love with him. Romantic love. Without sexual energy though.
There was a lot of idealization going on. A lot of projections.
Back to my talk today:
There is still some guilt for the hard boundary of wanting to get rid of that house unfinished till end of august. Guilt for not finishing things. Guilt for leaving my projects to someone else to finish. And here lies the hook. There is no bad in giving up. There is no bad in reorienting myself in life.
There is no bad in ending a relationship. There is no bad in leaving someone to their own responisbility. Unless its a child.
And now the puzzlepieces come together…
AS I learned in that narcism course…there is a strange realtionship in toxic realtionships. The adults (may have a relationship). And then there are child parent relationship between both of those. And this guy said, when you break up. you are going to feel guilty. The guilt of a mother leaving a child and the guilt of a child leaving a mother.
This is what I am feeling here, simply when I say: If you wanna finish that house, do it, you are adults. But I am not gonna invest any more time there. Because I dont want to do it. I leave them in their own demise. But its them. I leave them behind. I let them drown. But only, because they are grabbing to an anchor. They have the choice to let it go. But I dont have any force anymore to swim with such an anchor attached to myself. I can barely stay above sealevel by myself.
This is what I feel. The guilt of firefighter because he couldnt save everyone from a house. Because someone chained themself to their safe and said, I am only moving out with that safe.
They are adults. They are no childs. They are in responsibility of their emotions. Just as I am in responsibility of my emotions. They are in charge of their lives, just as I am in charge of my life. Lets no longer play any power games of trying to make each other move or behave as we wish. Lets no longer try that. Lets no longer play power games. Lets be adults and try to move forward. Lets stop that childish playing.
I know that only I did that process and that inner work. Spirituality woudl say…change yourself and the reality changes…but this is still an experiment. So I better make myself ready to be TESTED’… And I am PROUD, deeply that I use this word here. Instead of maybe ATTACKED or SHAMED or PUNISHED or MADE RESPONSIBLE…
I WILL BE TESTED BY REALTIY
NOT BY MY PARENTS
I WILL BE TESTED BY THE SUBLIMINALS (you could say).
And this will be the test if I want to BECOME WANTED if I want to become a GODLIKE MASCULINE Man.
A godlike masculine man who is wanted, doesnt give a fuck if someone “attacks”, shames, guilttrips, manipulates, or shouts at him.
He takes a deep breath. Looks at the other person. And waits.
HE DOESNT ENGAGE THIS ENERGY
And he takes responsibility for the hooks he has for those energies by breathing. Or if it gets to much, by going to the toilet, to wash his face and arms…maybe takes some incencse with him to regulate and then goes back to the peace and business negotiations.
This what happens today, is no longer a process of me changing my family. This is no longer something of me breaking free.
This is no longer a fight.
THIS IS A TEST
THIS IS THE TEST
The test if I truly (!!) want to become wanted. If I am truly ready to become Wanted. If I truly want to be a man. This is an initiation. This is a BIRTH.
And at the same time.
THIS IS A DEATH. THIS IS THE DEATH OF THE CHILD. THIS IS THE DEATH OF THE ADOLESCENT
And I make myself no illusions. There will be times when I will be a child. When I need to cry with a friend, or shaman, or theraphist.
BUT I AM ENTERING A PORTAL about my ROLE in my FAMILY system. THERE I WILL BECOME A MAN TODAY
So it comes again to something that I said 2 weeks ago. That motivates me. That gives me the strength and drive to go through this:
THE BEST THING I CAN DO FOR MY COCK IS TO LEARN TO HANDLY MY MOTHER
The best thing I can do for my future sexual relationships, is to learn my nervous system to be nonreactive to my mother.
If i dont fear hear. I wont fear any woman becoming angry with me. I will be able to hold space for her. And this is ATTACTIVE AS FUCK. Woman will feel that with me.
And when my nervous system went through that. I will become way more calm. That anxiety will become less. I will be more calm and attractive.
What I am going through here is a TURNING POINT of my life.
And all this happens on this most auspicious day of the north node eclipse in aries. Together with NEPTUN entering aries. This happened the last time 160 years or so ago. When the US independecy war started.
The same is happening today.
I am becoming independet from my parents.
And because this happens on this day.
I have the trust that the right thing will happen. Whatever happens is for the greather good of my own journey through live. The worst case that can happen is that my personality doesnt like it. But for my soul this is an initiation.
But as my personality. I trust myself. I trust that I will rock that shit.
I am confident that I can breath through everything that comes my way.
I have my Ritalin. I have my regulation tools. I made a plan. I prepared myself better than for anything else in life before. I am ready.
And I accept that some anxiety, shakiness, fear, excitement. Is part of the progress. Life is not safe. If I would be 100% sure how this would go out, it wouldnt transform me that much.
But as I wrote all of this. I feel ready and excited. And I approach this as a test. A test to see how much I have grown. And a test to see if I am worthy. If I am worthy to become legendary.
Fuck you all. This is purely for me. Like me or dislike me. Agree with me or not. I DONT CARE
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That talk yesterday was powerful.
I felt the testing on an energetic level. On a spiritual level. But it didnt even reach the physical plane.
But: nothing has been finalized yet. Only verbal agreement has happened.
So i need to stay firm there.
So ill get a new flat that i own in summer. Its allready free and i can do some renovations but i wont move till its my property.
Im the next weeks i should get a nice sum of my money.
I allready made myself a budget that i can use to make the flat nice. 10k. Some new furniture, some smart home stuff, maybe some upgrades in the kitchen there, a vaccum robot, wall colors, an AC of its allowed to install. Maybe a new couch and a new tv.
Its super interesting to see what “strands lf fate” or archetypes run through my live…what substories my life is currently made out of.
- The Shaman
- The Yogi
- Human Design and Astrology
- The man that wants to become Wanted
- The man in me that longs for a serious relationship
- The man who wants to bring something to this world and find his purpose
- The adoloscent that becomes Adult and self sufficient
- The part of me that wants to relearn how to have fun and let go
Its super interesting to see how those dofferent personalities come and go in my live…
Interestingl enough, the subliminals work and come online mostly at the gym. Like i walk up to the gym and feel the wanted black feeling coming over me.
But what i learned from astrology… it’s not needed to integrate all of them into one. But every of those needs to have their playground.
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What was super crazy and scarry was what happened with my mother after that talk yesterday…the way she looked at me…and what happened energetically…there was so much sexual energy and an energy of seduction coming from her…
I have no idea what this means. Need to talk with my therapist about that…
But chatgpt suggested that this could happen when roles and dynamics are disolved and crazy emotions and feelings emerge…like my mother seeing me as a proper man the first time as a woman…
It honestly felt like she is completely in love with me. Crazy.
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So a lot is shifting in my life…It seemt the name embedde customs and the now new listening schedule reaches deep into my being…instead of making big, but not sustainable changes on the outside of my being.
When I look back at the last month…
I no longer life by my impulses. Maybe a bit…but I am no longer controlled by addictions, and repressing emotions.
I feel like GLM changed somethign deep there.
And I am realizing this journal entry not for me…I am writing this to show off with my progress…with what I learned. Fuck you I am no longer trying to whore for attention…
Wow, 9 days since my last entry.
I am discovering a lot of things. a lot of things where I felt so ashamed in the past. Ashamed for “needing” time to process emotions. In my family there was no room at all for emotions. It was completely in the shadows. No wonder I was so undernourished.
Spending more time with the Girl I am seeing, I see how things can be differently.
I may be a man. But I am a sensitive man. Right now I NEED atleast an hour everyday simply to process emotions. I wake up and everyday after my morning toiletry I cry for half an hour. And I decide that I no longer feel ashamed about it. If my whole life is like that. I take it. I love myself for my sensitivity. Woman love me for my sensitivity.
Oh what a weekend it was…we spent most of it in bed. Sex was crazy. Like ridicoulous. Everytime it became better and better. And with her I felt so relaxed, I had complete control over my ejacultion. It all comes down again to what I learned with human design…with the right woman its easy. And making it work with others is an uphill battle.
I decide that I dont want to fight any uphill battles anymore. I dont want to engage in fights anymore where I am at the disadvantage. This takes up to much energy and every win is a phyrric victory.
Now the grieving for my former best friend is starting. I feel ashamed that out lifepaths go in different directions anymore. I feel ashamed for being the one who changed and took a junction in life and changged direction. But I have to be real…he could do the same. The last talk we had 1 week ago was just me telling me what happened energetically during our last time seeing each other. He could call me anytime. But I dont want to look back anymore. I dont want to safe him anymore. I am owing him anything. He never said those things. But energetically I feel like those things where there in our field.
I allways jokingly said…we are like a gay couple but without sexuality…there was a truth in this. A deep one. And its interesting to see how life brings me this junction where I switch from this relationship to the one with this new girl. There is a part in me that wants to call her “my girl”…but I no longer want to have a realtionship with posessiveness. Even though I am afraid of it. I am even more afraid of the me that comes out when I am possesive. I am starting to build trust into the connection itself. Not trust myself. Not trust her. Trust the energy that is between us. Give up control and give the control to energy betweeen us that pulls us together. Trusting that there is something bigger at play than me or her. Trusting that 1+1 not equals 2…but more.
I am so proud of myself. That I have gotten to the point of being ablke to cry for now nearly an hour alone at home without taking drugs. Proud for not running away or numbind my feelings anymore.
Ill listen to subs today or tomorrow again. I guess around 1.5 mins of WB and GLM.
Even though it looks like a serious relationship is forming, WB is still the right choice. I still want to become the man that is CAPABLE of having a harem. This is the thing where I feel quite ashamed about…Even though I allow myself to commit to a relationship with that girl (its interesting that she is morea girl than a woman to me), at the same time I allow myself to stay with one part outside of the relationship…living my own life…and also allowing that someone else would appear where the connection is even stronger)…
ChatGPT says this is super healthy. I feel like I am at the point where I challenge deep religious and social conditioning.
What was the purpose of this journal post today?
To prove my worth and show my progress again as I did in the past so often?
No…it was to show up in my vulnerability. To show the parts of me that I feel ashamed about.
And to see…nothign of what I wrote in this post is “crazy”, “disgusting”, “unmanly”, or anything I tell myself in my mind. I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed for being my own biggest enemy. For being my own persecutor. For being the only one responisble that I am at this place of life that I am in.For being the one that limits me. YES ITS ME. And I feel ashamed about it. I feel guilty for it.I feel guilty and ashamed for blaming my parents for so long. I gave my power away to them. I am claiming it back. But with it I take responsibility of all those feelings. I take responsibnility of my addictions…I take responsibility of my coping mechanism. I no longer say “I only do this because you make me to”. I take responsibility for being a victim. But I allow myself at the same time to be a victim in some regards…no longer repressing the victim. But accepting it…
The only addiction that now comes to my mind is Ritalin. Being in a “victim mindset” about ADHD…well…this is something deeper to investigate…if this is really victim mindset, or really a genetic anomally that need medicaitoin because of a different brainstructure.
For now, Ill listen to my adult part inside of me and my doctors. and take it 4 days a week. Because part of me wants to see that friend I am gonna see in an hour without it and be in a poor me state and have someone to hold me to cry…But who says that this cant happen with ritalin? ritalin makes it actually easier to cry. for me. No more taking ritalin to “get my shit together”…to live this mask of being a “man” who doesnt need help and is able to do everything on his own. This is the deepest thing that stands in regards of me accepting my masculine nature…ther is this story in me that says a proper man doesnt need any help. he is perfect. like hercules. who did his scutinies and is then blessed by the gods…only then he is a MAN…before he is a adoloscent…but this is not true…
Deep anger emerges from the core of my being as I write this…I took this colcusion and fantasy thinking because of wathcing the disney movie hercules as a boy…but as i write it down here…
I TOOK ON THIS BELIEVE…no longer blaming.
I am a MAN. AND I AM NEEDY. I HAVE NEEDS. I am no GOD. And I dont want to be a GOD anymore…when I god needs to be perfect…without any impurities…
and there I realize it…what is the primal sin? To not follow your nature. It doesnt mean to be invulnerable. It doesnt mean to be unhurtable. Being a goldy being means being as human as I can be.
Have a look at the greek pantheon…how human they behave…how they fight. How childhish they are in some of the sories. They are no perfect beings. they are more human than we are.
FUCK THOSE JESUS STORIES. FUCK THESE RELIGIONS…that I bought into with all those stories about perfect beings…
But I bought into those believes. I take responsibility for it. I take my power back.
I am a man. I am needy. I need help. And thats okay. I am not perfect source that can only give give give…this is the image that was in my mind about a man…“an elighened being” that only gives gives gives. Serves. I no longer want to be this anymore. I guess I wanted to be this because of all the admiration…no free giving…giving to not even have to ask to receive…a deep narcissitc wound. Covert contracts.
I get deeper down the masculinity rabbithole…I feel guilty for being a man that doensnt want to fight. Doesnt want to fight his own emotions. Doesnt want to fight his own nature. Doesnt want to fight uphill battles. doesnt want to fight reality. downt want to push his will onto reality. I feel guilty because I dont want to push my will onto others. Onto the world. I feel guilty because I dont want to overpower anything. I feel guilty because I dont want to posses the feminine. I feel guilty because I want to be a male secuctress. I feel guilty because I am a man and I want to live my life in a complete receptive feminine way. I want the BEST OF THE BEST to come to me. Without any effort. I feel guilty for DESPISING EFFORT. I feel guilty because I want to be a sailor effortlessly sailing in the energetic currents of reality…instead of rowing a boat.
I feel guiltd for being a Self projected projector. I feel guilty for being a receptive being in a strategic world.
I feel guilty for being COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE.
I FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING UNIQUE.
This weekend shows it again to me…when I am in “a relationship” (or something is forming), I dont need any drugs. I am getting so well ressourced by that. So no more guilt for needing a partner. I am like this. I need a partner. I am a man that needs a woman in his life and needs sexuality. No longer trying to “become fully independet as a single”.
Need to leave now.,…deep work has been done today.
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2 Weeks since my last post here…
Life is going quite well. Last Week was shamanism week with a pause from Ritalin…It definitley served me…
But It was crazy to see: some life choices on Ritalin were triggering the shit out of me…that this part of me regretted…but I came back to the point: I should make long term life decisions on ritalin.
Without ritalin I am so reactive. I am not in control of my emotions.
My life is going well. Now I am in this relationship. Sex is ridicoulously crazy…the relationship feels more like a heartsong manifestation rather than something WB would bring.
Considering how I continue my Sub journey…WB is simply amazing…even though I dont want to have multiple woman anymore…the rest of it is bonkers. Looking forward to new Wanted…because I would like to get a bit more fit and in shape…and I still want the main title thing of WB: SEDUCE REALITY…I want to have a romantic lovership with life itself, where we seduce each other…and I feel WB is bringing that.
Other than that, I am happy with GLM…Considering adding some Microloops of my Custom aswell…LB and KB4…
What I am currently starting to look for: Something that I have ambition for…it was all the time I want a GF…and I see…yeah, I simply need regular amazing sex to be a happy man…its part of my needs…I also start to see how I was trying to look for the perfect woman…not healthy…it sounds a bit toxic maybe…but my GF now is…good enough which feels healthy…she is not perfect which means no bending myself aroudn to loose her. She is sexy attractive and our chemistry is crazy (she gets wet just sitting next to me)…but she is not HOT AS FUCK…healthy for me…not to get back to oneitis…
I am honest…there is a part inside of me that still wishes to have a harem…there is this part inside of me that wants a different woman for every day of the week…
But there is also this part that says: how far do you want to go? is sex really everything? and why not focus all that attention on this one woman, she is crazy for you…you can have her whenever you want to take her (if we see each other)…
Well…lets see…for now a relationship with her is the correct thing to do. For now Monogamy is the right thing. It helps me to heal my abandanment trauma and start to trust into life itself again…
And the thing is: as soon as this box…relationship and regular sex life is checked…the next question comes up: What do I want to do with my life? What do I have ambition for…Ayahuasca comes to mind…but I dont want to make this my main thing…without ritalin…this is all I want…I am a bit obsessed about it…quite maybe…
But with ritalin I think more clearly…At one point I maybe want to have a family…for that I need to earn some money…and I dont want to earn money in a illegal way for my family…having ayahuasca as a hobby or spiritual practice…where I maybe invite some friends every 2 month for a ceremony…not a deep trauma release one…more like something to get inspiration…structure your thoughts a bit…not serious break through reality stuff…and during this time I have my ritalin break…to see how my life goes without… sounds healthy and balanced.
Yeah…spirituality is still a big thing…starting to use a lot of oracle cards…they tell me that when I have my new flat I am gonna see how it goes on…allready got half of my money from my parents. Gonna get the flat in the next months…
Plans for the next months look nice…next week vacation with GF, then I abborted my greece trip…it would have ended that realtionship…and I didnt feel like camping on ritalin…this was interesting…on ritalin I was seeing how important it is for me to stay withhin my boundaries and take goood care of me…and camping for some days…I cant sleep outside well…then I am tired the whole day…and fight with emotions that are only created because my baseline is bad…This structured life that I am getting now is super important.
So a nice summer start here in austria…started mountainbiking again. Want to do it a lot whle i still life 10 mins from the forest. Part of me is sad to let this go…but living in a place that I own where I am no longer energetically connected with my parents is more important…in some things this change is a step back…but in other deeper qualities it is a big raise in quality…on some subtle levels that I cant put into words now…Values come to mind…attitudes…
In August I am gonna go sailing with my GF…she holds a sailing reatreat about self worth. And end of august I am gonna go for a psytrance festival. So a lot of fun for me and easy life…
I am starting to find balance between a grounded life and spiritual reality…relationship is helping bigtime…and Ritalin to create structure and not be so reactive and driven…
Meanwhile neurofeedback is touching areas that are hard to put into words…My nervous system is getting more and more regulated…slowly but surely…
So my life is going into a really good direction…maybe not legendary…as I allways wanted it to be…but normal…which sounds super super healty…lets learn to live normaly…and maybe then become legendary…but now I want to continue to create this FOUNDATION…A healthy body, a structured life, a stable realtionship, a new home that is a fresh start…and then lets see…maybe I want to start something like Stark or ASBR and start to earn money…
I start to see…wanting to have multiple woman definitley came from a place of lack in my life…i knew it…but said: why not…I dont have anything else to do…and I am honest…I have so much sexual energy…especially since I dont ejaculate…I could have sex everyday…with twice a week like we had it the last weeks I can go well…and I feel like this is a healthy pace and healthy place to be in to have solitude aswell…so from distance attraction can rise again.
I also start to see…I am changing somuch everyday…there was a big fear that when I change, I will be loved less and will lose my GF…and other people…it has been in the past liek that…but I am gonna take that risk…and for now…this woman is crazy for me…(me a bit for her aswell)…so I simply trust that she will follow along…it somehow feels like a dream come true…like a female best friend, whos also spiritual, also wants to evolve in life with whom I can have the most amazing sex…and the sex becomes better and better, everytime we have sex…it allways blows me away…and so much bodily chemistry…her skin, saliva and juice taste like ambrosia for me…its crazy.
So life is evolving greatly…and I am continueing my inner process…this week ritalin week again after this shamanic week…
Shamanic week definitley got me to take action…I made contact with a lot of people from my past with whom my realationship broke after I fight…where I felt hurt and pulled out of the relationshiop because I couldnt voice my feelings and me being hurt…
I even reconnected with my EX-Wife after 4 years of no contact…like the endboss XD
Ayahuasca forced me…somewhere deep inside I knew it was right.
Also some guys from my christian times from my teenage years…its interesting to meet them now where my spirituality is basically from the devil and the occult XD
So what subs are currently interesting for me?
I feel like I am not finished with WB…It helps me flirt, game, body shifting, manifest…it has all (I need to resist the I want to fuck every woman I see though)…
GLM is great aswell…I also feel like I am not finished with it…
Adding a microloop of my custom would be nice…I feel like LB would be nice…open my heart a bit more. And KB…because I realize that my sexual energy is kinda stuck between my legs…i would like to learn how to channel it…
Longterm…revelation of spirit is interesting…als also Emperor:TWTP
On this ayahuasca retreat I started to learn what an aura is…and how to channel energy there…I start to see though…how much I still have to learn…and how much the trauma has effected me in my life. But I am getting out of it…and when I am finished with that…I believe that a truly miracoulous life is in front of me…
Also…I have been starting to feel and speak with my soul…I had been deeply disconected from it…I had no clue what it was…
I also solved a deep trauma with my ex-guru…abuse on soul level…
Have to get ready for neuro feedback…
Asking myself…why did I write this post? As a report what has been going on for the forum? maybe a bit…but mostly for myself what has changed in the last 2 weeks and where i stand now…I need more feedback about my own life…I need to update my believes about myself…that my life is still hard and shit…this is so wrong…
I am an amazing man, with a lovely woman that is crazy for him. I help and inspire quite some people and I am only at the beginning of my own journey.
Will wait 1-2 more days till lsitening to subs again…or maybe in the afternoon…lets see. But gonna stick to microloops 1min or so for now…subs a a tool…a little help…but not the main thing in my life. (as it used to be)
Okay. Its time to switch stacks.
WB will kill my relationship. Even a short loop puts me in that direction.
Gonna go something else for some time…I know the WB process would include that now…and would cost 1-2 more brocken hearts till I Could not fall in love…sounds very very exhausting…
Why not focus on something else for some time?
Something along the line of Chosen From Withhin maybe some Revelation of Spirit and combine it with my Custom. Sounds like a nice mix of healing and Spirituality. Maybe some manifestation is missing…is love that about WB…
But for now. Ill try this. For maybe 2 months.
Got a Chose from witthin , new emotional Healing experience name embedd.
Gave it a 30 second loop.
I wanna focus my life now on creating an abundance and psoitivity mindset…
So much from my wish to be Wanted comes from abandonment fear, fear of missing out and fear of losing control.
Now with a loving girlsfriend where i can be both vulnerable aswell as being really attractive to her, i can focus on properly healing and then starting ro build a career.
So for now CFW…maybe ill add RoS…as it has this purpose scriptin inside…and maybe add a bit of my custom…
Lets do this for a month or two.
I really need to finish with looking so much into the past, blaming my parents for my issues and take control of my life.
So…GF check
Addictions check
Mental health is being worked on with this stack
With helping at the shamanism retreats once a month, i am starting to get a feeling of having a bit pf a phtpose and giving something back to some people, this feels good.
Still, i am looking for something that catches me that is deeper and not in a legal grey area.
The topics with my parents are mostly worked out. Gonna vet my flat in the next weeks.
Its quite painful to let the place go i live at right now. I have been loving here for 8 years now. And with me not working this has been the center of my life for now 2 years. There are may fears…going to a flat from a house…what if the neighbors are loud…what of i am to loud. Blah blah blah…
.y mind is creating all those negative stories…i know that this is the right call.
Its been quite nice though to spend the last week at home with my new gf in my varden…eating, sleeping, sex, and lying in the suns
…for a whole weeks…it was quite wonderful…bjt i know…ita a goodbye to that home.
She also said that she aouldnt wanna love with me where i lived with my exwife.
Somethig that gives me some more confidence and helps me take action would be good for me aswell.
Maybe I am not finished with GLM.
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So.
After now 5 days of honeymoon with my GF…alone again.
Spending so much time together was nice. Though today being alone it shows me:
I need a bit of rest from this holiday…maybe not rest…but time to integrate all the energy that we shared.
What came to me in the last days was: I want to do more yoga again. And I am proud. Yesterday evening I started and today morning I also did my yoga. The real test will come during the week though.
What really catched me in the last time is ceremonial cacao. A really nice substance to indulge in and a nice spirit to learn from. And healthy.
GF is really a very strong mirror for me…and the most dreadful thing I discover is: My mind has the addiction to allways look at the negative…
GF is like 80% good and 20% not so good…and my mind keeps and keeps clinging to those 20% of not so nice things…of things where maybe some of my wishes arent fullfilled for now…or where she is different than me and most likely triggers me because those parts of myself I havent integrated yet…
I really want to get to a positive mindset…see the good. Not only see the good as the baseline and the flys in the soup.
How to change that?
Worked a bit with chatgpt…
Its all about the father archetype now it feels like…I need a mentor. Someone who is not perfect. someone human. someone who has integrated what it means to be a man that is both with open heart and with structure…
I am realizing I have two types of persons in my life: those with open heart…thjat care…where i can be weak…
and those who hold me accountable…
I want both. I want to integrate those polarities…
I want to be a man with open heart and at the same time stand in my truth an integrity…
I guess Choosen from withhin was the right sub for me…or its allready working hard in me.
0:50 of CFW and 0:30 of RoS today…ROS is crazy. And CFW is carrying me deep inside of me…
its shows me my inner conflict…it shows me where different parts of me condemn each other. There is that part inside of me that want to get to a life where I get rid of all those drugs and substances…and there is this other part inside of me that wants to live this shamanic life…study all those substances…the one part is so condemnin and hard on the other…its a hardliner…striving for success…go on go on go on…pushing myself to the limit…and beyond…every second has to be a challenge…every choice an opportunity to make a change…so take all of them.
and there is that other part inside of me…that just wants to chill the fuck out. take life as it comes…with open heart…
Today I am feeling lonely…I am having a bit of a drop after spending a week together…i have been quite productive today…gym, doing some shopping, yoga, inner work. actually no real leissure time…
For quite some time one of my goals is to create life with no leissure time…i dont know if that is a good idea…
i am indeed putting a lot of pressure onto myself.
GF is quite different…she takes life easy…but at the end of the month her bank account is empty again…no savings…I guess as allways…that the truth lies allways in the middle…
Just with the second loop of the CFW name embedd and RoS crazy stuff happened…listed to it when I went to the shopping mall…
What RoS does is that it feels like that some voice is coming and whispering to me…and showing me secrets of the universe…but in a very playful way.
There was a tennis ball lying on the parking lot…I took it and played with it for the whole time…like throwing it on the ground and catchign it again…while walking through the mall…there was a star wars party at the lego store and they gave soem paper yoda ears to the children…also took some and ran throught he whole mall with them…
The next day I had some very intense emotional healing when meeting some friends. I learned about the value of abundance…or actually…I learned that abundance is not only something that has to do with money…when this friend talked about his life…where he works as needed and is in multiple volunteering positions…as a leader…I was like…wow…this guy really has an impact on many lives. Currently I am learning about the value of relationships as a means to nourish the emotional needs…this is a level of wealth that wasnt graspable for me before…not only financial wealth…but emotional wealth…and when I am honest…emotional wealth is worth way more…
and an interesting thought comes up…lets carry that thought on…that wealth can also come to the next spiritual body…the mind body…a healthy mind…a healthy ordered inner life. those are far more important than financial wealth…financial welath i guess is a bad coping mechanism when those higher levels of wealth arent attainable…
I guess the highest level of wealth is a healthy realtionship with the divine…
Writing all of this out shows me how much is currently changing in my life. How much I am changing…and what foundations I was missing.
Currently struggeling a bit with taking acrtion for my move to my new flat…maybe I need a different sub…but would like to make it without subs for now. Something I am baiting myself with is that when I have moved I will buy myself a neurofeedback device…10k euro…most likely will do sessions with others then aswell…It really is a miracolous technology. Atleast for me.
Yesterday by chance my ex-gf contacted em…if she coudl drop by…I said yes…in the end…she only came because she wanted to have some drugs from me…i actually broke one of my boundaries…I dont give away drugs normally…but this woman really is a master manipulator. she really knew how to press my buttons…not with seduction…but with the poor me story. I learned a lot though…still ruminating mind about what happens and if I have any responsibility if they have a bad trip is going on in me…even though they are adults. still…fear that something falls back to me.
I really want to learn to cope better with fears…how to handle fears…how to forgive myself errors…I discovered that there is a believe inside of me taken from my father…to allways calculate for the worst…I dont wanna do that anymore. I wanna live my life in trust. not in control.
Relationship with new GF is going really well…falling more and more in love with her…it was interesting to see the compelte different dynamics between her and my ex-gf…and also with my former best friend.
With my bestfriend it was 80-20 Trauma bond,/healthy bond. With my ex-gf it was 50/50 (but she had like crazy trauma)…and with new GF its maximum 20% of trauma bond…
This healthy realtioship feels dfifferent…not so fiery…calm…maybe missing a bit of action…but it feels like home. not adventure…and when I am honest…I want my relationships (most of them) to feel like home…adventure is something for ayahuasca trips.
But recoon from this stack was intense…brought me in contact with trauma again…need to be careful with it…because when I am in trauma, i project everything onto Girlfriend…woudl liek to learn not to do that.
Gonna go to the new flat now…and start working there…first step is to clear it energetically and to claim this space energetically as mine. Let the shaman start the process…as this move is not only a simple move. this is a ritual of becoming an adult and seperating me from my parents. This is an initiation…
And as I am writing this…I feel the need to do everything by myself…all the early preperations…for the move with the heavy stuff I will ask friends…I could hire someone…but I feel like its important to do that…ask people to help me. Show my nervous system that I am not alone