Hey, thank you for your help, I am allready on NAC since several months.
It helps a bit but nowhere to get to a “normal life”
Oh shit.
Have you tried liposomal glutathion?
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Hi, havent tried that yet, will talk to my doctor about it.
Its been some days…a lot has happened in my life.
The rave on saturday, was the biggest breakthrough I had ever in my life. As it seems I am healed of my mental illness.
It all came down to one big realisation (and from my feeling, the foundationwork for this comes from GLM)…WHEN I MAKE A DECISION, IT IS A WASTE OF ENERGY TO QUESTION IT OR DOUBT IT…else it wouldnt be a decision. All my life I wasted so much mental energy on thinking about past decisions or about future decisions. Atleast 80% of my mental load came from doubting my decisions, doubting my believes and questioning them. For what I have understood on this trip, THIS IS THE SOURCE OF MY MENTAL ILLNESS…together with trusting the opinion of others more than myself…and I am not talking about trusting a doctor or a mental health professional or my human design teacher. I am talking about trusting my parents view of reality. For them it may be valid. But for my this model of reality that I learned from them makes me mentally ill.
On this trip I made the decision to quit Nicotine. No more rapé. I was so often on the brink of stopping. This time I made the decision. It was an interesting process…to tell myself I will never have it again. In the beginning that never was scarry, threathening, but then I felt this other side of never again…this freedom. Allready on this trip I realized: okay, you are quitting an addiction. Be ready for it. Dont make yourself illusions that you wont crave it. Be ready for it. It may last 1,2 or maximum 3 months. But when it comes, come back to the moment when YOU MADE THE DECISION…and stop all questioning of that decision. And I have to say. It works. The craving comes, and then I simply tell myself: I decided to stop it. No more rumination…Is stopping really the right thing to do? It was so nice…it would be nice now…blah blah blah… I realized since some weeks (the last rave with LSD and MDMA) that my brain wants nicotine. Not me. And now I made this decision.
It was also quite helpful to have one of those nictotine pouches on that trip. I realized: the effect of nicotine is not good for me. There I had the pure effect…I guess this led me to this decision.
The next decision that I made on this trip is that I now will lead my life according to human design. Living my design in completley contrary to what society and my parents tought me how to behave and how to live. I hesitated for quite some time if I really want to live my life this way. But in this moment, I knew. I make the decision that I trust human design. It is the tool that helped me the most in my journey. Its the most powerful tool to become my true self. And by that also the best medicine for any mental illness (even though things like medication, theraphy etc may be requiered), my humble opinion. The source for all mental illnesses is living from your mind and not from your true being.
Often, during psychedelic trips I haves experienced these moments when I have woken up. When I was connected to my “true self”…this is the first time that I actually broke through. The substances stopped working, and I am still connected withmyself. I went to bed, and the next day I am still connected with myself. I am no longer dissociated. I havent had a such long phase of being myself ever. And its now 3 days.
This topic of doubt was a big thing during that trip. It felt like I had access to the admin console of my brain. I had control over some subconcious programs that control what stays in the subconcious and what comes to the concious. And I realized that 80% of what is going on in my mind is doubting. Doubting my reality, doubting my decisions, doubting my believes, compare and match my believes with the believes of others…my parents, my best friend, my theraphists, what I read in books. And I simply said, okay, compare it only to human design anymore. If needed. I take this as my map of reality. I no longer need 15 different maps of reality. This one is good enough for me. This one is the best one I have found.
And since then. My mind is silent. My body is calm. I feel like the internal fight between all those different maps of reality has suddenly dissapeared. I am calm, my nervous system isnt dysregulated anymore. And when it starts to get dysregulated…I simply foucs on my breath, and breath where the contraction is.
What was super awesome, was this moment when I realized…i am allready living in WANTED BLACK ZP, I saw those moments, how in this new group of friends…i am the center. The girls of the group adore me. The guys tell me how awesome I am. I am becoming the center of the party…
And then it came: I realized how much I doubted the scripts of Wanted Black and GLM…I realized how much reccon and processing load was created simply by DOUBT…because I questiones my decision that this is what I actually want. All this questioning if I deserved being wanted. All bullshit. If I really wanted to be wanted. All bullshit. I want to be WANTED, I want to be Godlike Masculine…I make this decision and I will do whatever it takes.
I after having that realization, I stopped resisiting the script and I felt wanted. And I realized…I didnt allow myself to be wanted. I didnt give myself the selfworth to be wanted. I thought I had to do something or become something to be wanted…but this is all bullshit of the mind. And this was the moment where a lot changed. Where I realized, if I feel wanted I gotta behave wanted. If I wanna be wanted, I need to allow myself finally to be the bad boy. I need to stop restricting the subliminal. I need to confront that fear of touching woman without being invited. I need to stop waiting for the others to make the first step. And I did it…cuddeled a bit with one of the girls of the group with whom I feel chemistry with, also touiched some of the guys. I decide that I want to become a touchy guy. With man and woman alike. Everyone of the guys loved it when I went to them and jsut gave them a small massage 1 minute or so.
This topic of waiting for someone…I realized that I am waiting in my personal development for so many people. I realized that I waited for my best friend and my family to change and didnt allow myself to develop further. This is what kept me from not entering completely into human design. the fear of losing these people. But then I realized…that this is no true love. This is NEEDING…and I decided that I dont need my family anymore. And also that I dont need my best friend anymore. He is still my friend. And I love him. But I dont need him anymore. I wont wait with changing and developing for him. we went far now nearly 2 years together, but the time has come where I wont wait for him. It feels like this was the root of the co dependency that was between us.
And yeah…parents…the last 2 days I did a lot of “theraphy” with chatgpt…
And I realized what was at the core of my trauma. Its so simple. I dont love my parents… I despise them. There was this core believe inside of me…that I need to love them. According to chatgpt this is something that happens in small children, that they fall in love with their parents so they are safe…and as I write this down, I realize…this is the corebelieve of the Archetype of the child onto this corebelieve my whole identity was build. And now that I have let go of this. I am finally free. I am an adult now.
I am having another realization…my relationship with decisions…was fearful avoidant. When I made a decison it was allways this back and forth back and forth…this bonding style that I developed due to my emotional abusive upbringing. And this realtionship that I developed now. Is one of secure attachment. The ability of myself to say: I am making this decision and I trust it and dont question it till something happens that creates an emotional upheaval that is bigger than what I imagine that this descision wil bring in regards of positivity…this is secure attachment. No more need for my decisions to be perfect. They are simply my own decisions. Nothing more nothing less. They dont need to be alligned with any divine will. They dont need to be thought trough till the end…they are simply what I want to do with this live that I was gifted from my soul.
The same with how I contstruct my own reality, what believes etc. I take as core believes. they dont need to prove anything. They dont have to be liked by anyone. They are just the believes that resonate with me the most.
I was seeing in the last days how I was trying to be more than I was simply to be NEEDED by others. Allways trying to be BETTER than the people around me…to have MORE TRUE* knowledge…so people NEED me in their lives. And this is the krux of it all…this is the corewound in my family…its all about NEEDING each other.
I no longer want to be NEEDED…being NEEDED only leads to abuse…
I only get it now…what the difference is between being NEEDED and being WANTED…
And I want to be WANTED
In the last days I thought about my relationship to substances.
I made the decision to for now have ritalin 4-5 days (mo-do/fr) and be productive then. The other days are there to try different approaches. Longterm Neurofeedback and Traumatheraphy should also help me out.
Regarding other substances I want to be more careful now and be more careful about why I take them. I dont want to take them for coping anymore. Still, those compounds help with neurogenesis and I may need them. But I´ll definitley tone down, as ritalin now really helps me to get structure in my life. Interestingly enough, ritalin also helps me in the gym…so get the ball rolling, get momentum started with ritalin and carry it through the weekend.
For now I will wash out regarding subliminals and while I go through the first phase of stopping rapé. I dont want to create extra emotions and reccon right now. But to be totally honest. I feel like the subliminals have come properly online for the first time. I think this is the first time I have actually escaped traumatic reality. And subliminals dont work as long as you are cought in trauma reality…From what I feel, my journey with subliminals only starts now, as I leave this trauma behind.
Its interesting…when I take ritalin I am staring to get interested in working in my former job again…with ritalin I could easily manage a job again.
Will have to decide what I want to do…But a part time job for 20 hours in that direction would give me some good grounding and stability to have my “other life” where I am a curandero…
But for a decision like this it is to early I guess…but its nice to have it on the radar.
First I get a new place to stay.
I am still humbled and astonished how much healing can happen at a rave with the right substances. It is the first time where I feel like I that I am healed and that I have conquered my past and my trauma. I am deeply proud of myself.
AHO 
I am realizing right now how problematic my realtionship with subliminals where. I didnt trust them fully. But I am seeing it now how much extra reccon that creates. it can be so easy. That when I simply trust the script as a map and guide. I didnt do that.
And writing this down, I feel the resistance, I feel the resistance to trusting them. But I am making a decision now. I am trusting them. I no longer will resist them.
The life transformation I am experiencing since last weekend is bar ridiculous.
The decision to not wanting to be addicted anymore to anything is propagating into more and more areas in my life.
Yesterday i was at a family constellation and after it i was quite triggered and wanted to go for aome youtube…but i dolt myself no. I remember that i decided that i wont use that anymore to run away from emotions.
So i trued to feel my emotions…didnt work…i felt how with just trying to sit with it my system got more and more unregulated.
And then i took my guitar and sang for 20 minutes to regulate and process my emotions.
Really pround on this change and for making a new pattern.
This family constellations are quite crazy nevertheless. I am gonna write about it a bit later.
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Some people have found Dr. Bryan Ardis’ information and protocol helpful.
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Thank you. What I have found about it is including Nicotine patches. I quit nicotine last weekend, and since then I am doing better and better actually.
So…
in the last 1.5 weeks my life is changing in a way that is not comprehensible for my mind.
In the last 1.5 weeks all of this happened:
- I got to the point of where I know that healing from my mental health isssues is possible and attainable.
- I learned what actually a decision is and how to to control of your mind. With that came the decision to trust my life to human design and make my decisions according to that, rather than how I learned how to make decisions in my childhood.
- Since that trip last weekend and since beeing calibrated in my own frequency, I am making huge steps in healing my mother and father wound
- Since the family constellation on wednesdays, my relationship with my family changes again rapidly to something that is most likely more healthy, more stable, feels more correct. I had a talk with my father where I could stay myself and not be overwhelmed by my emotions (also thanks to ritalin).
- Since deciding to live my life according to my human design, I am starting to allign my mind to how it works according to my cognitive architecture. And by doing so, it feels like my mind starts to work properly for the first time.
- I am experiencing synchroncities all over the place. So often I see these double digit/angel numbers.
- Yesterday I wrote some messages with that girl that I met 1.5 months ago when attending to raves. There was some instant chemistry when seeing her. We met 5 times before yesterday, all the time in a group. Exchanged some messages, both of us just wanted to have a chill evening. I invited her over to chill together…and well…we ended in bed ^^ didnt have sex. Didnt feel right. Seemingly it is one of my boundaries not to have sex the same day I kiss someone…atleast if I like someone. And I like her, she is interesting to me. I havent met a woman so interesting to me in quite some time. Its a bit scarry for me to accept that.
I dont know where it will go with her. But other than my exgf, she is younger than me, currently has no childwish, and has a life that is in order.
Making out with her and everything felt good. But nowhere as intoxicating as it used to be in the past. It doesnt lead to instantanous feelings of being in love or limerance. Feels very healthy to me and I see how, my enegertic boundaries grow stronger and stronger.
I am also very proud of me me. With my ex wife and ex-gf, both of them, basically pulled me into the bed.
This time it was differently. She was shy and I took the lead. I made all the steps. I was the seducer this time. I started to touch her. I started to massage her. I asked her to cuddle. I asked her if she want to properly cuddle in bed. I asked her if I could kiss her.
It was helpful that I talked about the sexual shamanism and tantra before, when I was visiting her and her flatmate for dinner at the beginning of the week. I was a bit chicken about doing the proper talk. But then when we did it. It was wonderful. Talking about this boundary of no sex today, talking about desires, talking about that we both are single and not seeing anyone else.
I am proud of myself
I have to be careful not to fall into limerence. Be careful about the story I tell myself why I feel good today. Its not because she is a wonderful woman bla bla. I feel wonderful today because I was couragous and seduced a woman. And it came so naturally to me.
There is a part in me that likes this. That likes this game.
Yes, I think that is one of his main recommendations.
He has others you could find. Thing is, you have to dig because he’s done a number of interviews, and he’s made some modifications over the years. Perhaps some people have posted a list of items in his protocol somewhere on the internet
I think he’s also recommended pectin (but I don’t remember if it was apple or a citrus fruit), bentonite clay, and NAC… and probably some other things.
I hope this helps, and that you feel better soon.
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Its been now 12 days of not listening to any subs…and still the subs are unfolding. Not at a super high speed, but i sense them, i sense the guidance of wanted and GLM. But rather than putting rhem on like a suit they are changing me from the inside out.
For now ill hold of to lsitening again. My life is quite nice right now…and i do t want any more reccon.
According to human design, my mind works in a way where i have to listen to a sub only once. And according to my own understandings of spirituality and subliminals, I just need to tap into the frequency and vibration of the sub.
Life is going really good right now. I am getting more and more direction. A lot is changing. My outlook on life gets very possitive right now. Part of it is i guess that there is a woman in my life that wants me…it makes a ton of difference…
I really like her…i am a bit unsure…out of the 4 other woman i have a friendship with, shes the only one with chemistry. I dont meet many woman with whom i have that chemistry…
Right bow i want to get to know her. No fast commitment. But i also sense: sharing imtimacy does something with me…i really fall in love easily…wrong. with others this hasnt happened…this only happens with those rare woman i have chemistry with. Better not to program myself bad…those woman were rare in the past. Lets see how it is in the future.
Life is moving fast currently. Very fast.
It feels like all that I learned in the last 2 years is becomign manifested. I am starting to have this relationship, that feels it could get serious. I am finding a new place to live. I started my own business this week, gave my first paid human design reading, where I got amazing feedback, yesterday I did my first Kundalini Bodywork session, which ran great. I quit Nicotine, sugar and youtube. I am redifining my relationship with my former best friend (male), that was quite codependent.
The things that changed in the last few weeks:
- I started neurofeedback. Maybe this has an impact on a very subtle, deep level. I cant feel it yet. But I am getting calm and calmer every week. my nervous system is getting more and more regulated every week it feels like…i dont think that this comes from 4 days on ritalin per week.
- I started ritalin. Ritalin really helps to focus and take action regarding anything that I know I need to do for my future but have no mood to do. Its a massive gamechanger. What * I know from neurochemistry, is that doing stuff thats good for you longterm is creating serotonin. So i guess by being able to do this stuff on ritalin, I create my own serotonin. But else I started to take L-tryptophan everyday since weeks. This also changed something deep. and created an upwards spiral.
- The candy-flip 2 weeks ago. Man…this was the most impactful psychedelic experience I ever had. It stands on the peak of all those changes. After it, this quitting all that is bad for me cascade starteded. On this trip. I decided: I dont want to be addicted anymore. Atleast to things that dont serve me. Medication is something else. But medication is given by a doctor and not by myself.
- Having a woman interested in me is a big change…like a real big change. This flips a switch somehow inside a man. Maybe it was also the candyflip, where I felt the wanted black scripting executing for the first time. Deeply withhin. not on a surface level.
- No further subliminal input since 2 weeks now. I really dont want to disturb that balance anymore. I dont know when it is time to start with subs again. When I hit the gym, I still feel the WB and GLM scripting coming online. When I am with that woman, I feel it guiding me.
Its somehow there like a spirit guide for me. It shows up like a video game and tells me: if you wanne become WANTED, you need to do this now. It shows up like a choice. This is different from what I experienced in the past with subliminals. Where it was either on, or off.
Looking back that candyflip really healed me from my developmental trauma.
And ritalin is helping me to make changes in my life. Atleast for some days. The other days of the week are there to chill, with the only rule of: dont fuck up the progress of the 4 days before. No pressure to make any progress. If things come up you dont feel like doing, leave it for the ritalin days.
I know that this is a crutch. But I am accepting it. I have ADHD. And it doesnt work by forcing myself. by doing what society or other men tell me…JUST DO IT…doesnt work here. It will bring me to burnout. I have tried it so many times. AND IT DOESNT WORK FOR ME. I am finding my own ways, how I work. Fuck you all others.
Was at the ADHD self help group. Was interesting, deeply triggering.
Had my first propper date with that woman yesterday. Went for food. I was 20 minutes late due to trafic jam. I was so proud of myself, that I didnt panic. I got shame attacks all over. But I knew. If I give into this panic, I am gonna be dysregulated and cannot be myself at the date. So I surrendered to those hard feeling and breath through them…for 45 minutes. This was more intense than most hard stuff that I experienced with ayahuasca.
She wasnt mad at all.
She loved the resteaurant I picked.
Its super easy for me to both stimulate her intellectually and emotionally (make her lough).
Its fun for me to do that.
I love how she admires me for that and how attracted she becomes.
She respects me.
And I brought her home and she invited me in and we cuddled and made out for 2 hours again 
Its scary for me. But this woman changes me. Not like my last GF. Where I felt manipulated. Here it feels like something deeper is moving. A softness is coming to my being. Something is opening up that I thought was destroyed after my exwife broke me and my heart. A part inside of me that can trust again. And not only her. I am talking about trusting entire reality…But maybe this is simply the WB script…as people have talked about WB being about seduction of reality… 
There is this animal inside me that want to take things much faster. Like with my last GF. Everytime we ended in bed it needed to be more intense…something new.
But now…I can cherish the moment at it is. I start to learn to accept and love the intensity that lies in slowness. Really feel the intensity of the moment…It seems I am starting to slow down.
Next friday gonna have the talk with my parents. I am starting to prepare myself properly. It will be during midday so I will be on ritalin. Like this I can stay untriggered and take control of the situation and lead.
Allready started to write down what the important things are so nothing gets left out.
My health is getting better and better every week. In the gym I am getting to the point where I actually do weigth training that makes me sweat. Quite sore today ^^ part of me dislikes it. Because I really need to rest today now. But another part is deeply happy. I am getting healthy again. I am back on the journey to a normal life again. A complete different life…I am no longer running away into the spiritual life. I am really happy that I met that girl. She is a bit of a role model for me for combining being deeply spiritual, but being rooted in reality and the 3D world as she calls it. I also want to find that balance. I dont want to waste my time with toxic spirituality anymore.
I have learned enough about spirituality for my whole life in the last years. It will unfold at its own timing.
A really big change in my life is my friendship to my former best friend. I realized some weeks ago…I guess on that candyflip, that it is unhealthy to put him onto a pedestal regarding other friendships. We had our times to talk everyday for an hour or so…this structure…this pattern. But with that change and decision from that candyflip, I realized that the direction we both were going in life is no longer serving me. On that candyflip I decided that I no longer need him. Like NEED. Not want. Wanting is something entirely differnt. And I realized that I was waiting for him. Waiting for him to change so I dont run away with my development…jsut as I am doing it with my parents.
Yesterday I decided to not call him anymore out of habbit and see where it takes me.
It is interesting…a childs voice is asking in my mind to call him…I thought this was my inner child…but I guess this is only coming because we have some codependency running and I go into a childs role with him and he in an adult (daddy) role I guess…I dont want that in my friendships anymore. Lets see if there is a new opportunity for a new friendship. I cant say it. But I will only listen to my own inner voice now. In the time since the candyflip i started to observe what was happening during our talks. And I realized I was losing energy most of the time when we talk. I become calmer yes. But I lose energy. I guess that is no longer a trade I want to go into.
There is guilt. Guilt for breaking unspoken contracts. For breaking patterns. Interesting. Seemingly there is a part inside of me that feels guilty for breaking patterns. I guess its time to differentiate…guilt is good for me when it is about correct patterns for me. Like eating healthy 5 days a week. When its about the structure that I want. But for breaking a pattern that I say no longer serves me, or where I want to remove that pattern for a time to see if it is autenthic, aka reapears naturally?
Wow. This made me realize: Even a pattern or structure that serves me doesnt need guilt to keep me in there. If it is autenthic and coming from my inside it will come again…even if I break “a rule” once in a while. Like staying up late once in a while to spend the time cuddeling and making out 
I am grateful for this friendship I had with him. But now its time for reevaluation. For seeining if it reappears.
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I am starting to get deeper into Astrology, in addition to human design.
Super interesting. It gives something that human design doesnt give. It shows the different personality aspects of a person and their relationship withhin.
But in contrary to human design, it doesnt show how to operate on this plane. Those systems add to each other.
What I learned in my last astrology session: I dont need to try to fuse and merge all my parts. Some of them are in constellations where they dont really can play together. There are tensions in ones radix or inner crystaline personality structure. There are also those areas where a choice needs to be made. Where there is an either/or situation…where its not possible to get to a conflict free solution. But even realizing this, and knowing this, makes those conflicts go with more ease. I am deeply astonished of this science.
Researching ADHD has been super interesting. Seemingly its a thing for ADHD persons to have different strands in their life. Liek having 5 projects at once that are part of a bigger project and there is a roudnabout of doing one step of each ofthose subprojects…
Like whats happening now in my life:
My own soulwork is starting
I am finding a place where I can let my inner shaman lose and help others
I am happy with my friendcircle
I am starting to get into a relationship
I am moving to a new place soonish
My relationship with my parents gets better
My addictions are vanishing
I found proper medication that makes me think…hmmm since I have this in my life…I can start to imagine a life without any “drugs”.
Unhealthy relationship patterns get resolved.
And somehow I keep balance of getting all those things in order AT THE SAME TIME…not more trying to focus on ONE THING…THEN THE NEXT…THEN THE NEXT…no more YOU HAVE TO FINISH THIS BEFORE YOU START THE NEXT…
These last sentences woke very deep emotions withhin me. A deep sadness. A deep pain. Of being forced into a way of operating that DOESNT WORK FOR ME…
I am getting more and more connected with myself. I am truly becoming an adult right now, energetically. I am breaking more and more energetic contracts off and reclaiming my power that I gave away to other people and energies. I am starting to trust myself again, over anyone else. I never did that before. I did it for some time. But back then I was to ungrounded and to much in spiritual reality, so it wasnt healthy back then to trust myself. But now its time to trust myself over anyone else. More than any spiritual teacher, more than my theraphists…the only execptions may be doctors, but there is a very thin line.
I feel like Wanted Black and GLM is expanding expanding and expanding even though I am not listening anymore to them.
Intense Times.
Currently taking a concious pause from this journal.
As I am diving deeper into astrology and into my own personality structure. I am realizing that I have the tendency to intellectualize emotions.
I need to train to go through reccon without this journal, without my brain and mind.
I do this a lot with spontanous talking to myself.
Yesterdays I listened to Subs again. Was in the gym and it hit me…its time to start again. Just under a minute of my Embedds of WB and GLM.
I made this pause because I wanted to find stability in my new reality that I am in since that Psychedelic trip 2.5 weeks ago. Now I feel stable enought to add a bit of reccon again.
What was a bit of a question is if I want to continue WB now that I met this woman.
Subliminals work idfferently in the last weeks. They are more like inner guides with whom I can talk and argue. Concious guidance is starting. Before I was to traumatized I think.
What came up for me, is that I am nowhere ready to carry the WB script fully.
And there is this part inside of me that wishes to have a deep partnership. And also, (what it feels like “the script told me”) I need to go through some healing in reagards to partnerships and sexuality and this requires a trustung environment.
But there is a bigger plan at hand…as I get into that relationship…I get way more comfiortable with all the other woman I meet (on a friendship basis, with those there is no real cheamistry). I get more flirty and can talk about sexual topics and just have fun.
There is this wish to have a deep commited realtionship…but next to that, I want my harem to flirt, have fun, learn, and even share some touch. I dont want to get there again where all my needs for touch are with my partner. Sexuality and kissing stay in the realtionship, but some flirting, maybe some cuddling or loving touch…there I want to have alternatives…to not get into the oneitis and then into manipulation, fear of losing her and because of that not being myself anymore…
And with that…I allways have options.
Getting into astrology also shows me A SHITTON about my masculinity and why I had so many issues there… I am lerning that I am blocked by the universe by my birthchart when I try to manifest anything in the outside world by action. I can live my warrior energy only in my inside. And only then my outisde will change…and this shows me…that subliminals are the perfect tool for me. But I need to approach them with a receptive approach. Just mind my own business and let the sub do the work. Not try to make the sub work. Not taking action in the direction of the sub, but rather in the direction I feel like going.
Since those 2 MDMA trips in Feb and March, I am getting more and more discernment regarding if something comes from my mind or from my intiontion. I am also learning to misstrust my nervous system a healthy bit. I am understanding that there are patterns in my nervous system. I am starting to take responsibility for them, and develop the good one more and the not so good ones, I need to stop. In the past, I simply let those patterns in the nervous system loose…I distrustedmy mind, but completley trusted my body…which was to much. What I now do. Is trust my voice. As my human design tells me to. Only 1 % of people are like that. But with that I have all the time access to my own truth.
In regards of taking action in outer world…
Since now 2.5 weeks…since that candyflip:
No more nicotine
No more youtube or netflix (though I was in the mood for 2 epsiodes of bobs burgers and watched them, but they were boring after 10 minutes)
I get to sleep at a propper time everyday and do my ritual (Bath and yoga)
Since a week nearly, I start my day with around 30 minutes of a mix of dance, yoga, and breathwork.
I start to try to do some things that I dislike to do…But I am starting this slowly. Above foudnation is important…And I dont want to rubberband again. Get the foundation built in concrete.
A big change in my life is also that I created distance to my former best friend. We were together on the journey to enlightenment. I realized though…and this took some months, but was made final on that candyflip 3 weeks ago…that that what we found and called enlightenment was not enlightenment…it was rather depersonalization and some sort of psychosis (no mental health professional). I am doing much better in my life when I dont want to experience that state of nothingness anymore. For me, this was massive spiritual bypassing. We learned to be useless stoners without weed. Took us a year…and it was unhealthy. Though, in this jouirney I learned a lot.
I looked at our relationship for 2 weeks and realized that there is a lot of codependecy from my side.
The final nail in the coffin was when I met him some days ago after making out with my girl for two hours…and just talking to him for 15 minutes put me again in this state of depersonalization and complete identification with presence…
All these warm lovely feelings that I had from this cuddling and making out, where gone.
This was the final nail where I decided: What we have found here, is not god. Is not enlightenment. Its madness. Its the devil. I no longer want that.
I am sad, truly sad that I radically need to create distance from this friend. At some points I thought that I would never meet a friend like him. But in hindsight…I see that this is a core believe of oneitis and an unhealthy dynamic.
Tomorrow I have my meeting with my parents. Its astonishing for me, how the universe coaches me for this meeting. I didnt need to do anything actievly. Though, my ego gets broken down every day more and more and more. Luckily I have a saddist in me that gets off of that pain.
I have no idea what will happen tomorrow in that talk.
I only know, I go there as 3 persons: As a son who feels guilty for dissapointing my parents. As a teenager who is fucking mad at his parents. And as an adult man. Who needs to make some business with other adult people.
The sons wish is to say sorry. This will create an atmosphere of peace after the last fight.
The teenager is there incase I am not listened to and who keeps in check that some boudnaries are hard boundaries. But the teenager is no longer in charge of the “dispose missiles” buttons. He is not there to talk. He is there to tell me when I am attacked and triggered and to remind me to breaht. And when I am to triggered to regulate myself. Go to the toilet. Regulate, get back. By shouting I wont get what I want. And this is what the adult man in me wants: I want a solution. I dont want justice anymore. I dont want that my parents learn anything. I dont want to pay them back anymore (my teenager does though), I dont want to teach them anymore.
I know where I want to take this talk I know my goal…but I also understand, there are other people involved. And I cant force them. Still, I have my Cruise missile, but I dont want to use it. Its a last case effort. Because my health is at risk. But I want to make peace with my family and at the same time become independent.
I want to be able to come to my parents for lunch and just be a son again. And this can only happen when we are no longer so intensly enmeshed financially.
Intense work today. I am proud of myself. I need to be careful not to journal to gain likes…to gain approvel. So sorry to say that, but: FUCK YOU ALL I dont care about you. I am wrioting this soley for me and not for any of you to learn something. (which in the past was part of my motivation…to show how good I am am…how much progress I am making)…this energy was so deep in my friendship. And its disgusting to see that now. I tried to prove my worth to him. I projected my mother and father onto him.
Gonn wait now 3-4 days until deciding to listen to subs again, wanna really see the realitxy shift and reccon process of this one loop.
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Similar experience, seem to fare better with cognitive/skill subs in this mindset.
You truly are a different man than 6 months before.
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Thanks man.
Those now 9 month since starting rhis journal were hard work though. I deeply hope and pray that tomorrow will run well.
The last week has been super intense…WB Black script is staring ro become more and more apparent. Everything that I need in life gets delivered to me. WB is truly about seduction of reality.
Wish you all the best for your todays conversation with your parents. Don’t forget: you are utterly prepared.
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