So…
as I slowly got out of the trauma spiral…the next “bad thing” is happening…woke up quite sick today.
But I accept it. its okay.
Using the time as good as I can and learning some stuff online. And resting/sleeping
@ksub asked this very nice question: if you describe your goal for this year in 3 words, what would that be?
Confidence, enjoyment, ease of living
Havent wroten the journal for some days…was a bit in reccon due to being sick.
I learned a lot in the last days. Especially regarding my triggers and what triggers my “downward spirals”. Worked on one of them with my new theraphist today.
Other than that, Ritalin is amazing. It is giving me what weed gave me. It makes me calm, centered and able to focus on one task and I am able to let go of all the unecessary thoughts in my mind.
Yesterday I was so calm that I started reading a book again. And researching ADHD is super fascinating…it also seems to stem from developmental trauma. Understanding how this all goes together and how this trauma has affected my brain lets me accept that I need daily medication…and the beauty with ritalin is that it leaves my body every day again…so I can make pauses and also can use shamanic medicines when I feel I need or want them…other than SSRIs…and other than SSRIs, it doesnt dampen emotions…it strengthens the part that controls emotions. While the end effect seem to be the same…it makes a big difference for me…SSRIs feel like they take something away from me…while Ritalin makes me able to cope with it…it gives me control rather than taking something away.
Learning about these brain circuit underdevelopments also lets me accept my use of “drugs” far more. It is self medication. And from my feeling it is more healthy for me…And I take the right to choose my own medication.
I have never went into proper microdosing with a regime. Will start doing that soonish. But this weekend we will go to a rave again and its time for the LSD MDMA combination again.
A week later or so Ill start microdosing LSD.
Throwing away stuff is running good.
Though I start to realize (also due to that ADHD book) that I have been again trying to FLEE…and jsut get a new place. I want a new place…but I want the correct and right new place.
I will go on making my life lighter. Owning less stuff. Getting rid of stuff I havent used for 1-2 years.
I want to focus my life on becoming a man. I want to build some muscles. This will help me longterm with my ADHD.
Also Ritalin is helping me a lot to study and learn.
I feel like a good time is approaching in my life.
Reading about ADHD from Gabor Mate also showed me that the key to heal ADHD in the longterm is self praise. Its not looking for outside validation for my achievements. Its about pressing the button everytime I do something that nourishes me and puts me towards my goals. Every plate I put into the dishwasher. Every piece of cloth a hang up for drying. Every button I press to write this journal entry.
Its interesting…I listened to WB and GLM 3 days ago…2 days processing…today it started to come online. Had some DMT today in the afternoon. And then it really came online.
Lets see how it is tomorrow. Will listen tomorrow again.
Hi, no big deal, but I want to ask you this question!
What do you think would happen if you tried a month without substances, just with subliminals and therapy?
Good question, thank you!
I would have a harder time to focus, procrastinate like crazy, be able to only do what I am in the mood for in the present moment, seek cheap dopamine all the time, not be able to make long term plans, depression would most likely get worse.
It works when I live on full dopamine detox mode…tell myself no to so much stuff…to everything that creates cheap dopamine basically. But quite often then the rubberband at one point would snap and I would go on a dopamine seeking spree.
Big question is what substances you are refering to, now that I get psychiatric medication. With ritalin it would work I guess.
When I am around a lot of loving people its no issue to go no substance, I did it in thailand and will do it in may for 6 weeks and during my rehab in july. So I will see there.
But most likely I would need to quit subliminals in that time. As they are creating more emotions to process in my life. And this resiliance is what I am continueing to work on…and it is coming…but as my trauma theraphists said…this is a multi year process…I am completely rewiring my brain.
By “substances,” psychotropic drugs are meant, but not medications.
Well…up until now I didnt have acess to a medication that I find suitable for myself…now I got that…
But reflecting on everything…maybe its time to again take a break from subliminals. Since restarting them I am considering if they are actually good for me or not. As they create so much more stuff to process for my mind.
I have to be honest here, having watched bits and pieces of this journal for a while I am a little concerned for you, especially given recent posts.
Allies are meant to be used sparingly, consciously, and always replacing via dietary and other means the substance they consume.
If you are using Ritalin and SSRIs, as you suggest, you are not only playing God with your own mind, but you are creating a situation which prevents you from directly controlling your own mind and nervous system through more consciously directed techniques such as breathing and relaxation, and abdicating your own control to the drug.
Now bear in mind I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist (thank fuck for that), but I have known enough about people who use these methods of medication to know that this is not a method that allows you to easily retain control of your own brain. You’re playing in very dangerous territory. Especially when combining that with plant and non plant allies.
When you further combine this the with trauma you have recently experienced involving your family, it seems like you are pushing towards a very bad outcome. I would not want to be running subliminals at the same time, even if some subs (like Hero) are meant to help build mental resilience. I would be speaking to your mental health professional (or seeking a new one by the sounds of it for an alternate opinion) on assistance in dialing that shit down to zero gradually and removing any dependence. You don’t want to be messing with that stuff without knowing exactly what the fuck you are doing. No offense meant.
Thank you for your concerns 
You know, i tried it. I am trying to get there where i can regulate my nervous system with breathwork, yoga etc. This gets to a complete sattvic life. Everything that is rajastic and tamstic is addicting and i need to stay away from all of that. For me this feels like a running away from everythig. This would be ashram lifestyle.blissing out in the present moment. Been there. Without any drugs or medication. But i get incompatoble with the world in that state.
I am working with a regular theraphist and two trauma theraphist, one with whom I work on on my nervous system and emotional regulation and one regarding developmental trauma. Worked with psychiatrists here…they just work with medication. Get a diagnosis, and then try out what their book says would most likely work. And their goal is to get me to function again. At all costs. Not to learn to be myself and have a fullfilled life.
I know that I am taking a dangerous path. But this is what looks most promising to get me to a life where i dont have regrets, where i have accepted myself. Where there is a chance to integrate that trauma, and not bypass it. Sadly this topic of trauma is not wellspread in the mental health area and also especially not in spirituality.
I know that I am using crutches. But if I have a broken leg, crutches are needed. The trying to walk without crutches will make the broken leg not heal faster.
I tried it. I tried to cut all coping mechanisms out from my life. When there is nothing to put into that place that the addiction fills, a crash happens.
Soberness is a beautiful long term goal. I completely agree with you there. But I have become realistic. And it is a bitter pill to swallow that my brain didnt develop “normally”, either due to genetics or abusive parenting. Or having a hunter biology in a society thats made for gatherers. Whatever “the truth” is doesnt matter. There is an issue on a biological level. I am trying all that i can find to arrange myself eith that.
So deeply grateful for you challenging me. I am open to any advice on what to change and what to improve.
The problem as I see it is it seems likely that the people you’re working with are not getting the full picture they need to do their job properly. Here’s why I think that. Ritalin is seen very similar to amphetamine, it is a stimulant, while SSRIs play with your serotonin levels to kind of flatten your mood. Psychiatrists do prescribe the two together for ADHD, but there is a strong risk of serotonin syndrome, and other side effects, particularly when used in combination with other drugs. For example, alcohol with Ritalian, or an MAOI (such as you would find in an ayahuasca brew) with Ritalin can be dangerous in different ways, and there are even reports of interactions with cannabis.
If the person prescribing this to you doesn’t know about your other plant medicine use, knowing about it would likely change their perspective on prescribing because of the dangers of both at the same time. You might want to do some googling on interactions and have a chat with them to make sure you’re not putting yourself in harms way.
Secondly, ADHD and trauma and breathing techniques etc. What you’re treating is a dysregulation of the nervous system, and your hormone levels. The substances used to treat this can themselves be addictive, for one, and secondly they can make it more difficult to effectively regulate your system using the typical body hacks yoga or breathing methods use. I hope the therapists know what drugs the psychiatrists have you on, so they can know how that might interact with their methodologies of addressing trauma.
You run the danger if you don’t have full disclosure to all of them of getting into a cycle of dependence on medications with no “safe” way of gradually reducing them to zero. Or drug interactions/side effects like I mentioned earlier.
And finally, since the “subconscious” mind is affected by psychotropic drugs as well as prescription drugs and breathing techniques / yoga, its likely that your subliminal use has been impacted by being on these medications, as they alter the quality of communication between your conscious and subconscious minds.
Anyway, like I said I’m not a doctor / psychiatrist / trauma therapist, but I know enough to sense potential danger and elaborate on some potential blind spots. Just be careful and be a bit mindful of the bigger picture of how these things you’re taking are impacting you.
Thank you very much for your indepth answer.
I dont take any SSRIs, I tried them but they simply dont work for me. I took half the dose to try it and it felt like a bad trip. Completley numbed out.
Regarding all the other interactions: I have educated myself. I learned about the time ritalin and maoi from ayahuasca stays in the body e.g. and I am keeping these times in mind. I have researched what liver enzymes get blocked by different stuff and what interactions there are there etc etc. Not touching any alcohol anymore.
You are exactly right, I am working on my nervous system. On a system that has never learned to regulate itself (developmental trauma). Believe me. I have tried to work just with the “body hacks”. Then my life becomes all about regulating my system. Full time job. No space to have a live inbetween.
With ritalin I like that I dont have to take it everyday. I can use it for 4 days a week to get stuff done, take action, and on the remaining 3 days I can work with different ways of regulating.
When I am at a retreat and am around people to coregulate I dont need medication (or drugs). Withhin a week I am healthy. But as soon as this stops, I am alone, system deregulates at a certain point. And when deregulation reaches a threshhold, there is no way anymore to reregulate myself. To triggered to engage in yoga, breathwork etc. there is this point. Lymbic brain has overtaken control. To triggered to sit and do mediation. Dorsal vagus shutdown.
Regarding subliminal use and the combination with all those other means. Yes, you are right. This is something to consider. Still…When I am regulated, all those subliminals I listened to are there. The thing is how to properly stay regulated.
Regarding the dependence of medication…i got to a point where I have to say: if I am dependend on a medication for all my life…so be it. I hope its not like that and neurofeedback will help my nervous system to be able to regulate. Without any substances or medication I can survive. But I want to have a live where I can thrive. If this life is then 15 years shorter or so…so be it…this is why this journal has this name…I want a life worth living…not simply a life of survival.
My theraphists say that this journey to regulation will need some more time…years…
14 months ago I quit cannabis, 2 years earlier alcohol…and I was a heavy user. I am seeing progress.
Thanks again for caring 
For what issue do you take medication?
I been through some insane hellish ocd n anxiety, like some cia mental torture type of shit, but i always looked at it as a spiritual issue at the core, never took any medication.
The most basic way to describe it would be to not be trapped in my head. This is also why i self medicate with psychotropic substances…the effect is nice and awesome…but for me its really about those days afterwards where I am really connected with my body and feel in control of my thoughts and my mind and not be controled by my mind.
So that would be dissociation then I guess. That stems from developmental trauma aka. Cptsd.
I know at the core this is a spiritual issue. But this spiritual issue at the core has some physical manifestations like underdeveloped brain circuits etc etc.
This long covid and fatigue I am struggeling is also a spiritual issue at the core. If i still had the bodily capabilities to go for a run, go mountainbiking etc. I wouldnt need any medications. But yeah, my body doesnt allow that anynore.
And i guess the second part would be anxiety…a lurkig fear of danger that is all the time around. But not in the mind, in the body. And my nervous system cant handle that and automaticalyy goes to a freeze state. All my day long i need to manage my nervous system and activation level – to much activation, freeze state, to little activation and to much calm, freeze state.
Its simply nice to have medication for some days so this works automatic…and i can just have a live without permanently needing to attend my nervous system.
I haven’t read all of your posts, so correct me if I’m wrong:
Why does your body not allow it? Are there other ways to redirect your attention? A pleasant conversation with an old friend, or maybe some female friends who can support you? A buddy, perhaps? Just go somewhere you haven’t been before, talk to strangers, do little things you feel like doing—improvise! Put on your headphones, play some music, and let your mind wander.
I’m just saying, from the outside, it looks like you’re going through a crisis, and you might need to redirect yourself a bit or at least distract yourself, even just a little. Stewing in your own thoughts rarely feels good. No offense!)))
When this crisis started, 2.5 years ago, when i had a mssive burnout, followed by a covid infection which became long covid, i was put into the body of a 85 year old man. I coulnt go one staircase in my home to get from my bedroom to my kitchen without sitting down an making a pause. It has slowly become better and better, for one year i used medications and substances to cope with that, to finish my phd, but nothing of the things helped for long.
Wince then I am trying to as much as possible get to the root cause of those issues, as i believe they are rooted in a dysregulation of my nervous system, steming from the fact that in my childhood my parents, mostly mother, wasnt emotionally available and nervous system reacts to any emotional reaction with a freeze state. As anger, crying, being upset, changing something, being myself…everything that was about individuation was punished by my mother.
I had to relearn feeling the most basic emotions on my journey. I wasnt able to feel anger. The only time amger was accessible for me was when i exploded. I wasnt able to feel fear in my body. Fear was a mental construct. I wasnt able to feel sadness…disgust…all of those feelings where mental constract for me but i wasnt able to feel any emotion in my body. Love…its the first time i am realizing this…i mever felt love in my body before. Love was a mental cosntruct for me…
I was completely disconnected from my body and all emotions. Whenever a emotion came up i dissociated.
Sorry went a bit offtopic.
So when i move my body to much, to much emotions come up.
I am at a point where i can hit the gym daily again. But something happened to my nervous system im that burnout or covid altered my brainstem…any movements creates emotion. So when i sit in the gym and go to far on something, i have to cry while i do it. Or I feel fear while i do it. Or i get so fucking angry. And when i overdo it, panic attacks basically. When i go to far, my whole nervous system gets dyregulated, i am in a freeze state, there is this permanent sense of panic, contraction and whatever and i need some days to get out of this crash. I get faster and faster getting out. But not getting into those crashes is of utmost priority. When i am in this crash state i make unreasonable choices…lets order burger every day, lets watch youtube the whole night. Coping mechanisms getting activated.
You are completely right, all the things you suggested I am doing. And i am getting more and more to the life i want (the more i get there the better i am doing…there we get back to the spiritual issue), but to get there i need crutches some days. Especially like last week, when i am sick with flu and cant meet someone. But i am having my best buddy with whom i talk every day 1 hour minimum.
I haven’t had much friends in my whole life. I havent had any female friends. My ex-wife was the first woman i somehow befriended. My ex-gf was then my first platonic friend before we got together. When we broke up 8 months ago i didnt have any female friends. Now i have 5 female friends that i see every some weeks. A lot is changing, but it takes time. Looking back at my life some years ago when my divorce happned allready so much has changed. Healthy relationships, not toxic ones anymore.
And with all those nervous system issues i talked about…when i take a small dose of lsd i can have a normal day again. I can have a look into the future when i have conquered this problems. I am by long not doing those drugs anymore to reach a spiritual plane, bliss out. I am using them because them, because then my body doesnt feel sluggish and heavy and the more i move the heavier it gets. I can do yoga again easily. And i want to have one of those easy or “normal” days once in a while. A pause day from soon 3 year long daily rebuilding of my life. With drugs i can make those holiday days, while inbetween facing the issues so i can find a long term solution…with all these other medications like ssris its becoming dependet and addicted…
So it comes down to: when i put to much stress onto my body or psyche, i lie in bed again. I am retrainig my compelte nervous system and its working, but its a slow and steady path.
Lol, this video describes trauma so well:
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/puYFqUL_tWc
Deeply grateful for the reply of you guys. Those posts made me reflect on a lot of things.
Most important, I looked back and saw how much has changed this last year. And the years before. And especially how much has changed in the last months. Its nice to see and honour that while I am still in a situation of crisis in my life…its nowhere as where I was. I am no longer at the place where there is no light, pure survival…I am at a time where the light starts to emerge.
The second big thing of what you @emperor_obewan reminded me to…yeah, I was going down the easy path with ritalin again. Thank you for reminding me that this is a temporary crutch. The image western medicine and western society has of these medications and psychological sicknesses had taken me over.
I wanted to go down the easy path…but as you reminded me…Its important to still practice those tools of regulation that I know and have developed.
Its all a matter of balance again.
What was really interesting is something I realized with this need for regulation during all the time…
I kinda felt like the mother of a baby…that my nervous system is a baby and needs attention all the time…
Maybe this is the source of this whole deregulation…a mother who doesnt want to take care of her baby. Who had this idea that she would have a nice little baby that sleeps and drinks etc…but then she got that baby that cries and takes so much space and attention…and this dissapointment when I was in a bad mood went into my nervours system…When you are disregulated I dont want to have anything to do with you
I see this pattern in myself. Accepting myself when I am triggered or dysregulated. When an emotion has taken over. And not then punishing myself…because this is essentiely what I am doing when I am dysregulated and then go onto a binge watching spree and tune out. I punish myself. (But at the same time I am overwhelmed and running away from this feeling of overwhelm)…
Interesting findings.
Another thing that I am realizing with all of this ADHD/Developmental Trauma is what I previously described as anhedonia…not having developed the capacity to create my own dopamine when I do something that my true essence wants to do. In childhood I have developed that false self and only when I did something that this false self (aka my parents projections) finds pleasurable, my brain created positive reinforcement aka dopamine. And to protect myself from being myself (which would lead to abandonment), the circuitry of dopamine wasnt created that creates dopamine when I do something that is useful or pleasureable for ME.
It all comes down to the button again.
I’m glad at least part of what I was trying to articulate was able to be received. I know its not an easy thing to find the path to integration/Dao. In some ways the way our society is structured lends itself to maintaining this state of fighting or disharmony through competition and the like, rather than recognizing the unity.
I’ve been reading the perspectives of different scholars on Daoism, and Livia Kohn puts it in an interesting way in one of her books:
The body is a microcosm of the universe: it reflects the landscape of the planet and is the home of celestial entities and starry palaces. Whatever we do in our bodies is accordingly never isolated from the rest of the world, and the world is part of who we are. Cultivating the body thus creates strong life in the person, harmony in society, and great potential for spiritual unfolding. As much as taking care of the body empowers the self, it also enhances the universal Dao—to the point where some Daoist thinkers see body cultivation as the foremost condition for ruling the empire.
This is the same perspective found in Advaita Vedanta and Ho’pono pono, among other systems, where changes in one connected system flow on into the next. I find it interesting that one of the earlier commentators on the Dao De Jing (Heshang Gong) took that principle of interconnection to such a deep level as to suggest this relationship between the body of the king and his subjects, and the strength of the empire. To me it seems a much more sensible approach than the modern post-scientific Western model.
What I was thinking is because the interplay of natural and artificial methods of regulation is such a problematic topic, it could be worth your while to do a little Googling or investigation into the anecdotes and stories of people who have managed to come off the medications you’re on and how they did it, so you have some ideas to discuss with those who are helping you. At least if you hear some stories from those who have beaten ADHD and trauma naturally it can give you some motivations and possible methods to work with that don’t just involve the well known tropes.
Thank you!
Yes connecting with people who have went so far would be wonderful.
Especially the somatic practises. In the past when I did better I did a lot of somatic practices…1-2-3 hours of TRE and natural kriyas that came spontanously…be it singing, sounding, shaking, spontanous yoga whatever…I want to get into this again. Taking some time everyday to release tension from my body…This is the long term solution. Its all in the body and the bodily intelligence. Did 30 minutes of releasing right now and I am doing a lot better allready.
In the past it has been hard to do this without cannabis. Everyday when I smoked, I did my kriyas…I guess the time has come to integrate this practice sober. Not because I have to, but because I want to. Because it is the best for me. And not something that happens to me.
How do you know?
@Leandros anything you would like to add about long covid?
(Sorry, Dragonborn. I meant to tag Leandros.)
Yes I would love to
Thank you @RVconsultant for your help
I like to help also.
@MechaShaman please buy NAC (N-acetyl cysteine) and take 1 Gramm in the morning as long as you have to.
I had this long covid also and NAC erased the symptoms in me and other people the same day of consumption.
only in 2 people It didn’t help.
If you didn’t try NAC allready please try that immediately and let me know
can confirm the NAC helps. Other people also combine it with other supplements found to help like bromelain (enzyme, found in pineapples), chelation therapy for those who took the experimental medicine, and antioxidants like vitamin C.
I use a brand called Healthwise here in this country, which makes the pharma grade pure powder form of the different amino acids. The smell of NAC, thanks to the sulphur, and the taste when dissolved in water will make your nose wrinkle. I’ve found at least with the other aminos, combining with creatine or arginine (especially the creatine) can make them a little more palatable. I think this is because the more ph neutral creatine buffers some of the acidity. NAC is highly acidic even compared to some of the other aminos. Diluting in a water bottle tends to make it easier to consume the higher doses.
