A life worth living and dying for - MechaShaman

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#481

Did a headstand on my headstand helper…and realized…I carry so much weight and responsibility that I dont want to carry on my back. This is the source of hurting upper back.

I am realizing why I am afraid of my power…because I am afraid of “hurting” others. And when I say hurting…I dont mean actual hurting…I mean creating emotional process and change in others…because I do not longer fullfill the projections others put onto me. THEIR EXPECTATIONS. THEIR IMAGES OF ME. THEIR FANTASY OF HOW I SHOULD BE.

How crazy is that?

#482

I am realizing that I become unpredictable…And I have a negative view of that word. But I want to be unpredicatable. I want to be a dangerous man. Only a unpredictable dangerous man is strong. I dont want to be tamed anylonger.

When I went through my clothes today, I looked at my ties…And I relaized how crazy it is to wear something tightly around your throath, constrict the throath, constrict the power.

I am proud of myself for finding that strength withhin me. And for claiming it.
I am awakening the dragon that resides in my center
Because I need it now. I need its power for this time to come.

DALL·E 2025-02-22 12.11.21 - A majestic yet dangerous black dragon, radiating power and authority. Its scales shimmer with an ominous glow, reflecting deep volcanic energy. Lava d
DALL·E 2025-02-22 12.11.21 - A majestic yet dangerous black dragon, radiating power and authority. Its scales shimmer with an ominous glow, reflecting deep volcanic energy. Lava d1024×1024 257 KB

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#483

Libido and sexual energy is getting strong lately again…I like to masturbate in the morning and spread the sexual energy in my body and use it to manifest. Without orgasm.

I feel thats super healthy and a good use of my sexual energy right now.

ok…pack now and prepare myself for working with peruvian shaman today again.

I took actual action and contacted immobilia guy to look at my house next week and to find out what its actually worth.

I need to be careful to actually take action. I start to see a pattern that my personality thinks that when I write about my inner process that something is happening.

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#484

Puh, what a day yesterday.
Mapacho ceremony and aahuasca was intense…
I am learning more and more to distrust my mind…in the past I thought so often with the psychedelic medicines that plant somehow teaches me…when in reality I only saw my mind layed open before me…and took that as a message, being stuck in a loop…

My relationship with ayahuasca has changes…i projected that divine teacher or ideal mother onto her…but its not any longer like this…I take her now as an adviser…like my theraphist…which she kinda also is…writing this creates a lot of joy inside of me…and sounds super healthy. Not anymore giving my power away. Taking charge of my life.

I see now how this toxic family patterns where outlived in my spiritual journey.
Time to let all of this go.

These patterns of having a purpose…of having a duty to fullfill on this world…of wanting to be the saviour…
I wanna just be a guy living my life. Have some friends, chase my dreams, learn to live with my neurodivergence…normal stuff basically…

Deeply grateful for that weekend. Didnt sleep much yesterday and spent now the whole day in front of the TV…not optimal…but okay…binge day after a lot of work…tomorrow ill get going again…Its okay to make a pause some times…realizing…that I dont call these times as steps back anymore. Proud of myself :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign:

#485

Ran intoy exgf at the gym…i allready saw her car outside…it created an anxiousness inside of me…

But it was okay, we shared stories whats going on in our lives for 5 mins and went on.

My legs were shaking while talking to her…i think jts a projection of my mother…that she would be still mad because of the breakup.

Crazy stories going on in my mind…but i know where they come from…

#486

Hit the gym. Still in some kind of fog today…very strange…i guess its just not sleeping enough.
There is a second thing that happened in the gym…i felt the pull to talk to two young guys that were impressing me with how they did pullups and ask them how long they are allready hitting the gym…
And afterthat 1 minute talk with them…I dropped into the subflow again…
I guess its all about taking action.

#487

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_37xISk72I

#488

Its very interesting to observe how I go back and forth between fearing my parents and being angry with them and hating them. I start to prefer the anger and hate because the fear is only paralyzing.

#489

I am realizing more and more how crazy it is to talk to my parents. They dont listen to me and dont recognize my feelings. They operate on a pure mental level and try to change my thought processes. The more I talk and reason, the more unsure I become about my own believes.
The one cure for this is to turn this around and show them how crazy their reality is…
Or simply not to let them in.

Wow…asking chatgpt about this…and he explais that as my parents treating me as a child whose feelings and emotions need to be corrected…gaslighting…
How you think and feel is wrong

I dont want to misstrust my feelings anymore.
I trust my feelings
I trust my inner impulses
I trust my view of reality

#490

2 mins of WB and GLM in the gym today.
ANGER ANGER ANGER
I want to change my situation.
I am very glad though that it mostly works that I can tell this anger to come back later, to send it to pause when I meet a friend or so.

I am really happy that I finally take action!
Next weekend the date with the electrican is made. And somewhen during the next two weeks ill have a meeting with a real estate agent to tell me the worth of my property.

#491

There is a part withhin myself that loves comfort…that is lazy. That doesnt want to go down that route that I go down…that likes to have everything stay as it is…continue to live the rich kid lifestyle…not grow up…
Why? Fear… fear of the callenges coming my way. Fear of loss of comfort. Fear of taking up responsibility. Fear of growing up.

But what does it mean to grow up? There is this believe that an adult man has to stop watching his favourite TV shows. Isnt allowed to watch anime. Isnt alowed to watch some dota on youtube…but thats not true. This are only images I impose onto myself because I believe I have to be like my father.
I can still use these to wind down…

The question though is…does it help me to wind down? I have analyzed this situation…I do these things when I am frustrated…when I am overwhelmed with a situation.
And the steps I am doing now are big steps…its okay to feel overwheelmed a bit doing that.
Still, it feels like an area of my life where I am leaking energy…but first lets get the big things in order…then worry about the smaller stuff…I feel this will get better when my mental health gets better when I am more apart with my family.

:heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign:

#492

The reason you self sabotage is that it allows you to take control and run away from the uncertain future…

I admit it. There is fear in me. I still have doubts if I can do it all on my own, without the financial safety net of my parents. I dont trust myself fully yet…I misstrust my impulsivity quite a bit…there are fears of missinvesting money to some fraud…or having deep spiritual “calls” (or psychosis) and coming to the idea of investing all I have into anything…
But actually…I havent made any quite crazy decisions the in last time since I dont smoke weed anymore. I am getting more and more sane.
But this is definitley something to investigate…

But what is the worst that could happen?
Having to work at a regular 40 hour job again…not the worst.

Got my GLM + Synergy: Heaven Shaking Power Name Embedd today. Will use that from tomorrow on. Lets see how that Name embedd changes my stack.

Those 2 minute loops from yesterday didnt create a ton of reccon. I feared it a bit. But seemingly my mind is getting used to the subliminals.

#493

https://youtube.com/shorts/Ja9qqNYTezg?si=c623nnP5jZg_6xba

#494

I had an interesting experience today.
Met a friend to give him back the brain current device.
He instantly got into coaching mode…I experienced this before. And I was kinda pulled into this. Life changed to just happening. I felt a bit overpowered by that energy…
In hindsight it was one of those situations where I felt like the universe is talking to me through this person. Something that I normally now recognize and then STOP, because this brings me into psychosis again I feel.
It was about my housing situation and my parents situation…it was about maning up, just changing the locks and taking thinks in my own hand. During the talk I felt this blockage This clear no to not invest any more energy into that house disolving. Very GLM like…and after the talk it felt like the sub coming into execution…but then later I got a panic attack…and this NO returned.

I am quite pissed now. I dont like friends coaching me without asking.
And I have a big issue with coaches who arent trauma sensitive.
After the meeting I felt very very anxious.

This is not where I want to go. I dont need to pull that project through. I can say when enough is enough.
Getting away from my family is the most important thing. And I dont want to start a war. I want to go as silent as possible. I dont want to overpower anyone. I dont want to prove anything to anyone. If I loose 100k or so with going away fast, its worth it.

During that talk it came up that I am afraid of my parents…and thats true. Its stored deeply in my nervous system. And I dont need to confront that.

#495

Puh…I went deep into coping last night. Binge watched till 4AM.

Realizing now that I am in the trauma spiral again. Admitting this and feeling the shame, made me get out of it again.

In hindsight to the talk I had yesterday, where a lot was about beeing a man made me realize:
For me an important part of being a man is to be able to admit a defeat. To be able to take good care of my nervous system. To know my limitations. And being able to surrender to them.
And not trying to fight a dragon that is to powerful to conquer.

And as I write this down I start to see that this is the balanced approach…not pure masculinity, but rather balance between the masculine and feminine withhin me.

What came up in the last week more and more is that I am so extremely angry with my parents. For this upbringing that gave me CPTSD and all those issues. I know that they werent able to do it better. But this doesnt change my situation.
This doesnt change this deep rooted fear that is ingrained in my nervous system.
This doesnt change those brain anomalys and neurodivergence that were created in me.

And saying this makes me realize that I havent accepted and griefed that myself.
I am hurt about this. And this is okay.

I am having issues expressing my sadness again. Its stuck in my throat.

It doesnt change the fact that spending with my family is unhealthy for me.

#496

What is the name of the unit?

#497

Resting a lot today, something I havent done for quite some time…reconnecting with my heart…Grateful for that beautiful love I am able to feel today.

Just had a realization…there is a part inside of me that wants to become like my father.
And i am realizing…that I have to divert people in their parts…there are some things about my father where he is a role model. In some areas I would like to be like him…in some attributes maybe not as much as he is, and in some maybe a bit more…but there are some things where I dont want to become or be like him. Where I allready have surpased him in my worldview.

But taking apart these people…my actual mother and father in this case…keeping the parts of them that are nourishing and good for me in my psyche…and discarding the parts that are hurtful for me…that dont bring me further in live

#498

Neuromyst. I heavily recommend it :+1:

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#499

Realizing some more…
As I have found this absoloute YES and NO inside of me…I am realizing that this doesnt mean autmatically that I allways feel it in a moment.

In the sexual shamanism there is this saying: ONLY DO SOMETHING IF YOU FEEL A FUCK YEAH
I never felt that FUCK YEAH…it was allways a hmm sounds interesting, lets try that out

But in the last weeks I am finding that 100% yes inside of me…as I find that 100% no.

This seems like amazing progress for me.
:heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign:

#500

The last days have been rough.
Its been quite some times since I had such a spiral as I am having it now.
I remember…coming out of those spirals alone is not possible…and the shame is keeping me from asking for help.
I feel all this sadness and shame that I somehow cannot process alone.

I realize that I again fell into the masculinity trap…
wanting to become a hard man…a doer…someone who doesnt care.
But what means autenthic masculinity for me?
I dont know…
There is again this story in my mind that I `should be like this or that.
I am so done with those shoulds.
Trying to become a hard man…when at the same time I have this hypersensitive body. And hypersensitive nervous system.

I dont know right now how to go forward. I am afraid to listen to subliminals again. Especially GLM. I am asking if this will bring me somewhere where I dont want to be.

I remember one of the strongest aspects in my astrology chart…the intense conflict between mars in aries and saturn neptun and uranus in capricorn

Some chat gpt work…
and again it shows…I carry hat paradox withhin me…and again…I want to be like one of the all the time. I am looking for this one side to be all this time…I am looking again for identity…which is according to my human design the one thing that I have…
Regretting not taking the paradox module with GLM…

I remember what I felt all the time when I listened to Singularity…that this is THE subliminal for me…the strongest placements in my human design is the sun in 15…all about extremes…ALL THE EXTREMES…in every direction.