So after now 5 days of ayahuasca back to back its time for a small pause…also because I want to listen to subs again and I have become quite careful about the combination of the two.
1:30 of WB (embedded) and 1:00 of GLM. Proud that I dont add any third title, dont switch and just increase loop length. But I start to see how a part of me wants to switch or add again and again. But now is not the time for this.
During listening to GLM, I felt a deep strength coming into me. I felt powerful. And I realized that in this conflict with my parents…its not just me against them…I realized…I have the LAW on my side. What I want to to is completley by the law. I have all the tools and things that my country offers in that regard.
In the last days I am realizing more and more how I was raised in this family where we each felt more about member of the family than citizen of the state. And a lot of unlawful things are going on in the family. A view that the state and law is bad.
Nevertheless…I am procrastinating having that escalation talk with my parents…but I realized…I can just have it on the phone. And Ill just tell my dad. With him its easier.
I am proud of myself how many things I am giving away. I am getting better and better. There are so many things that I havent touched in a year still left.
So I threw away a piece of clothing that I just bought this year…but never wore…because it is something the old me would have woren…but I dont like it anymore. I felt shame. For wasting money…And I was standing there with the tshirt, looking at it, feeling the shame…I thought I had to feel the shame till the end, till it doesnt trigger me anymore…but then I realized: If I just throw it away…I will never see it again…I will never think of it again…and this 20-25€…well, i can afford it. I start to see how I am used to attaching to emotions, used to making myself feel bad. Used to internalize the punisher…but there is no punisher anymore. There is no punishment anymore for making slight mistakes. There is no perfection asked anymore. There are no rules anymore. There is only freedom.
And with this freedom I want to get a new place to live. A place where my parents will never set foot into. I feel shame writing this. There is something withhin me that says that it is shamefulto abandon my parents. That its my duty to take care of them. But this is simply some unspoken contract. Something I may or may not have agreed as a soul when I came to this plane of existance…but as a person now, I never agreed. And because of that I am breaking that contract that I never agreed to as a consentable (18+) adult human being. I will no longer take care of my parents. It feels good to write that. As I write that I feel a lot of energy getting freed up and moving.
AS I wrote this…I am realizing how toxic that spiritual mindset can be of “As a soul, I consented to all of this”…this believe keep me stuck. I didnt take action in many areas, as I believed that I would run away from some lessons or so. What a bullshit.
Had a rapé, I feel connected to my anger again. Anger about my powerlessness. But I am not powerless. This is just a lie I tell myself. Yes I am speaking to you Alex, you are a liar and you lie to yourself. Stop it. fucking stop making yourself small. Man the fuck up. Dont be such a pushover.
I admit it. I bought into the stories others told me about myself. When I was a child. I take responsibility now for my believes. I gave my power away. I made myself a victim. Told myself that I am powerless and the others pushed there believes onto me and that I couldnt do anything about it…in the past as a child this may have been true. But now I am a 34 year old MAN. Now its time to take radical responsibility for my situation, inner world and live.
