Good things are happening in my life.
This relived episonde of Emperor Daddy right now is super nice. I am getting that winner or success mindest again…but at the same time I am readjusting this a little bit…with emperor daddy I was using that Mindset in a toxic way and was only using the metric of productivity and super long term. Right now I take more of a balanced approach with the metric of How do I want my life to be? What type of balance do I want? And then using that emperor winners mindset of not wanting to go of that path
Also seeing now a bit that I went to much into the details at somepoint and because of that missed the grander scheme.
Working at my house yesterday was quite an experience. So much has happened.
First, working on electricity and with my hands was really nice. That feeling of sucess when I actually change something in the physical world was really awesome. Also seeing that I can do those things.
Also it was the first time that I thanked this house. Even though it was the start of my crisis (I was bitter and in victim mentality to it for quite some time…years), I now could thank it from all of my heart because it brought me to where I am now.
I needed to get some stuff from the hardware store and there I ran into a woman from my highschool. The time when I was bullied…(a voice in my mind starts to say…was it actutally that bad? or is there again that intense negativitiy bias that I know of myself…and as I write this down…for the first time I see what DEPRESSION is…DEPRESSION is that fog that layed itself onto my whole reality that let me see everything in a bad way…I see this as a kind of BLACK FOG that attached itself to me…)
Back to seeing that woman…it was actually the hottest woman in class. she still looks super goood. And talking to her was so redeeming…When I talked to her I was completly in my Wanted Calm and masculine centeredness. I am really changing. Massive 
What happened during the afternoon was interesting…later my father was supposed to come, to talkw ith the electrician about some changes. Firstly, everytime I heard a sound during working, I got frightened and felt cought…now upon reflecting it…there was the fear for my father to appear behind me and critizizing my work…
Later when he came and we talked with the electrician…I completley lost my calm. These 3 party talk really fuck me up.
I couldnt stand it for long and left immideatly when we finished the business…
He called me later. It was an interesting talk. I am still not being taken serious by my parents regarding that I want to get rid of that house…and I realized how deep my father or masculinity wound goes…
@SoulFire had a really nice post in the GLM thread…that really triggered me (positively)…my father is a complete victim. He is such a strong, capable man, working hard…but he only does it for the others…for my mum and his children. And while this looks like a honourable thing…he completley abandons himself and lets others decide for his live. At his core…he is a victim and looser…
That situation I am cought in is the following. I early inherited a house, previously owned by my grandparents, where my mother grew up. That I wanted to renovate with my exwife. The house is like 2 minutes from my parents house. My exwife bailed on everything. I was overwhelmed back then. Losing my first love and being alone with that project was to much. My parents lovingly started to help me with that house…mostly my father (everytime I write father, my mind says dad…but I want to create some distance between him and my inner child). When this happened I besically got back into a dependent relationship with my parents…I wasnt capeable to be independent back then…I was also heavily codependet on my exwife before. This went on for a year or two, until I burned out…this happened after a magic mushroom trip (that I did to go to the root of my panic attacks that started some days before)…where for the first time I asked myself…Why the fuck do I continue to build this house? Why the fuck do I do that when I dont even see any future there and not be a landlord…this was the real start of my depression and second crisis. Since that start of the depression I decided not to put energy into that house anymore.
Everytime since then when I start to listen to masculinity subs…I get overwhelmed with anger that wants to get rid of the house. NOW. It was the same when I started to take antidepressants back then…before subs.
Get back to my parents…for my mum this is her holy childhood home…and a memory to her parents. She cant let go of anything. At the same time, she is heavily incapable…of anything. She fucked up her children, didnt make a good career, is lazy and messy. She is no winner at life. She is nowhere capable of finishing that house…so my dad “has to”…he doesnt want it…he alllways plays the victim card. Tells me that now that I dont do it…he has to…he does it in so many ways…my mum allways pulls him to events…he doesnt want…does it anyhow…
So I am trying to give that house back to them but they dont really want it…
Its a fucked up situation…and the third way out…to just sell it…is scary for me…it would most likly mean to break with my family. I dont know if my mother would ever forgive me.
And while everything is talked out…that they will buy is back from me (they have the money), it all goes super super slow and when I dont push, nothing further happens.
But this needs to end soonish. Some months ago I set myself the goal of finishing this till march. I wont go to bali unless I have finished the stage 1 of this process.
I dont want to experience it again to come back to my homecountry after having a pause from these issues, doing good and then being cought by depressions and fatigue again.
Metting our family lawyer on tuesday. I am taking it into my hands. I am taking actions. This is what a man does. He actively shapes his live. Its scary to take responsibility for myself and my own life for the first time and cutting the cord to my parents…but noone else does it. This cord has been there for way to long. I dont want my parents energy flowing into me for much longer. I need to be free. I need to stand on my own two legs.
I ask myself…why do I give my parents so much authority in my inner world? When they are no authority figues for me? Neither my mother is a role model for a good woman as wife/mother, nor my father is a good role model for a man/husband/father.
What also came yesterday to be the main trigger of that house is that back then I made some adjustments to build the house in a way that you are not allowed to do…dumb idiotic rules where the state controls how I am allowed to build my house…all doors need to be 80cm atleast so a wheelchair can pass…man…that house has steps at the entrance…no wheelchair is able to get in there anyhow. Also there is a big fear of the process of finding a master builder to sign everything…as there are those small…“adjustments” or “alteration”.
And one thing to be clear…there is this part inside me that simply wishes my parents to tell me:
Get your shit together by yourself…we wont help you here anymore that part of me that wants to be seen as a capable man. But in this case…this house would be really mine. I wouldnt listen to anything from them about it…
I guess if that happened I would finish it (because then I could sell it much better)…but here is the same fear…that when I do it it lose my parents…
But as I write this…what do I actually try to “not lose”? I guess its the safety net. The safety net of inheritance.
This fucking toxic family. I need to outgrow it. I want to outgrow it.
But one step after the other.
Love it 
again…lets see what the sub brings out there…though I kinda feel like in energetic strong containers the subs dont really work…some greater power is working there it feels.