It’s hard to grasp. I’d say because of my low selflove, confidence l, etc, I felt the need to put up boundaries but I was missing the confidence to so it in a casual way, instead, like a little child, I threw a tantrum. I wasn’t able to clearly feel, let alone understand my emotions at that time. Emotions Unfettered and Way of Understanding helped a lot in that department.
So while I can now say “I don’t want that”, “I’ll dot it, but only when I’ve finished this task” or “I need some space to breathe, I’ll be back once I’ve cooled down”, a year ago I just went into a frantic attack mode, like a cornered rat.
So, perhaps the best way to put it is that Emperor demanded that do something I couldn’t yet do in a healthy way.
Knowing what I know now, microloops would probably helped a lot. But I didn’t know about this concept, or at least didn’t understand it’s value back than.
That could have worked under different circumstances. Despite having some toxic traits, I wouldn’t describe my family as toxic in general.
We all have troubles with feeling our emotions and communicating our needs. I see it most clear with my 93 year old grandmother. When she talks about growing up and her young adult years, even as a young mother, it was always about functioning and needing to your work to survive during and after the war (born 1931).
Feeling your emotions wasn’t an option when a breakdown could be the consequence, not when your family depends on you functioning.
But emotions are still there, and they are still strong, even when swallowed on a daily basis. And from time to time they break to the surface and wreak havock. That’s a pattern absolutely present in my family. That’s the most toxic pattern I can see.
On the bright side, we are very close knit and helping. Be it moving, renovating, needing a new car, whatever. My family was always ready to help. My uncle lent me to times a years saving, knowing he’ll probably not get it back soon.
And with my mom and my grandmother being both severely disabled and emotionally fragile, I wasn’t skilled enough to take bold action without harming them.
Probably setting boundaries. But as said above, in a very immature and unhealthy way.
Hurting someone you love and who loves you is never good. Maybe necessary in some cases, but not pleasant. It’s only worse when this leads to lasting severe damage. I noticed that on this tantrums, my grandmother’s mental state degraded a bit eveytime. And she didn’t recover from it. My mother recovered. But since she’s very fragile, I feared her own emotional baggage might kill her If I make it worse.
I’d say the detour of LB and Ascension helped a lot with this maturation process. I should also add, that I listened to a custom with HoM and Lineage for 3 cycles that also delivered family healing scripting to my subconscious.
Nowadays, I can communicate my boundaries rather easy without hurting to much feelings.
Because I know I deserve these boundaries.
And because I feel confident enough, others accept my boundaries.
