Yesterday evening did a lot more yoga than I used to do.
Woke up 2 hours earlier today.
This “Alpha Anger” regarding the situation with my parents is allready there. But its not on the surface level anymore…it comes from away deeper part of me…I cant ignore it anymore. I cant give my parents more time.
Wrote them a message that we need to have a talk next week and make a deadline.
Name embedding rocks
It feels like the sub is hitting way deeper parts. Not staying at the surface level. It doesnt work from the outside in anymore but from the inside out. It gets to the deep stuff.
I actually had an amazing Synergy: Perfection Manifestation Manifestation yesterday…
So I went out and bought this second hand handpan…and the woman who sold it asked me if I wanted a coffee…first I was like…nah, I am busy…but then I was like…wait a minute…and we had a tea and a nice talk for 25 minutes or so. It just happened…and it was a beautiful, concious woman with a calm nervous system…like…a woman I am interested in…
Lets see if this is a coincidence or what else changes now in my life…
On weekend I am gonna be assistant at ayahuasca retreat 
again…lets see what the sub brings out there…though I kinda feel like in energetic strong containers the subs dont really work…some greater power is working there it feels.
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What an intense day.
Woke up super angry today. Set a boundary with my parents and escalated the situation. I dont care if this will cost me my relationship with them anymore. I want my money. I want to make peace with my past. And I want to do it now. I dont want to wait with my life for them.
Either they buy my house of me. Or someone else will have the chance to buy it.
Had an intense session with a new theraphist today…we went deep into anger and narcissistic abuse.
I still feel sick. But I see now: My parents wont change. They will allways project their issues on me. They are in victim mindset and I dont want to have anything to do with them anymore. Maybe see them once a year at christmas. I want this to be over.
Wow…I am getting it finally. The problem is not withhin me. The problem is withhin my mother. And I internalized that. I took on her stuff. I carried her burden. But I wont do that anymore. I wont solve anyone elses Karma anymore…or take on anyones shit.
There is again this GET AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY reaction. This time its not as scary as the last time. I got quite some friends now that I trust. A soul family so to say.
I am ready to scale down from the housing situation I am living in. It will be a step down in some way, but at the same time it will be a step up in another way…I will have a blank canvas for my new life. Allready calculting costs.
Thinking about renting a flat from my best friend. He owns a whole house. We would be neighbors then…but actually I plan traveling a lot in the next months…maybe even years.
But I kinda dont want to have no base for myself.
Proud of that post
Today another 1:15 of WB and 0:25 of GLM…
Everyday I listen to WB, the day becomes somehow magical and crazy things happen.
I am considering starting to listen to a short loop everyday. As headaches are nearly nonexistant currently. I feel like the processing only takes like an hour or so if I do sports and move energy.
I am getting more and more assured of my choice to end this housing situation. But I also see that I dont make it easy for my parents…because when nothing is moving I keep going back…become weak…But this stops now. I need to continue with the proper alpha subs. They push me into the correct direction. I am also getting more and more assured that changing my place of living is the right thing. I want a fresh start.
Today my human design teacher helped me a lot to go through that conflict and understand more. And to get clarity about what I want. And to tone down a bit in regards of anger. This clarity really helps me to sort
This post by @Parsifal helped me also a ton…
Though on the other hand…I dont care what happens with my parents. My father is super stressed out and my mother also said that she starts to experience anxiety… but on the other side: I have issues with depression. I have issues with chronic fatigue…and as soon as those lifts this anger comes and says: Its time to do something. Its either them or me. Someone suffers.
But the thing is: All of this comes from luxury problems.
And I am simply so done with putting my life to a halt because of the simply fact that my mother cannot let go of the old house of her parents. Only because of this little thing…because she isnt able to grief and let go, my life is halted and my fathers life is super super hard.
Its not about money. They have more than enough…Its only this small emotional problem of my mother.
This post really helps me to get a right context. And to reflect about what is actually going on. In reality. And not seeing the issue through my mothers lens…Up until now I have only seen this conflict from my personal lens, or my mothers or fathers lens. But only in the last days since I started to talk about it more with friends and therapists…I start to see this from a more detached perspective…from the outisde…look at my parents life…at mine and put everything into relations.
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Tomorrow I will play the role of the shaman at the medicine retreat. To get into the energy (and because there I have to hold space and be there for the others and cant take so much)…today is time to meet my old love again. Lets see how our relationship has changed.
At the last retreat she allowed me to use her. To use her to work towards my goals. That I dont have to follow only her and give her the lead. Lets see what happens ^^
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Holy Shit
The medicine showed me my inner child. It showed me the gravity of the abuse I have gone through in my childhood. I realized that there is this permanent fear of persecution. And realized that there is not anyone anymore who persecutes me.
It showed me again that one thing: I need to become a man. And I need to get away from my family.
For that I need to move and sell that house.
I realized that there is a different way to approach this move: instead of removing stuff from my live slowly…I will just choose the things that I want in my new life. The rest I will just give away.
This is what I truly want and need. A fresh start in my life. Something that most survivors of narcissistic abuse do. I saw how severe the situation is. How much I lived for my mother instead of for myself. This stops now. NOW!
II ned to find a new place to live. For now I asked my bestfriend to have a flat in his house. we would be neighbors. so that would need to be ok for him. But I want to travel anyhow. ANd this flat would be more of a homebase where I have my valuable stuff.
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I have seen this truth before. But it was overwhelming. But I have gotten to the point where it is no longer overwhelming me. I can hold this energy and I can hanble this situation. I have reached the point where I am able to ressource myself properly and trust my new safety net enough to let go and start a new life. And I have reached the point where I trust myself enough to make those decisions.
Wow. That weekend was amazing. I did well. And I earned my first money as ayahasquero and in helping other people and doing what I love.
I learned so much and it was quite interesting what people and what stories ayahuasca brought to me.
There was a guy who had to escape a sect in which his family was involved…he had to stop looking at the good stuff what his family and this sect did to him…because as soon as he went back in there he got confused if leaving was really the right thing.
And its the same for me…as soon as I start to look at my parents situation I feel this confusion again…
Are my feeling really right? Am I to sensitive? Am I making all those up?
And as I write this I am seeing that this is again Victim blaming,.,…this is what trauma bonding is and what this gaslightning is.
Since some days it feels like I have arrived at reality for the first time.
I see how I have been seeing reality all my life through the lens of my mothers view.
It feels like I am waking up for the first time.
I just want to get away from my family.
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/dUC-hKNzpvY
Wow. This short showed me whats keeping me in there it shows me the hook. The external Validation by my mother and father. I can go without that. I not longer need this external validation by them. I learned to give myself unconditional love and validation.
Even during the retreat, the validation I got felt nice, but it wasnt needed. It is only a shadow of what I can give to myself.
As I write this, I am seeing how external validation is a huge trap. It build upon projection and it is dangerous, If I rely on external validation, I will never be authentic, I will never be myself and I will allways have hooks for people to attach to me.
Do I feel ready to live a life without going for external validation?
YES, I want this live. I dont want any external validation anymore.
External validation is a dangerous addiction.
I see how as a child I needed that external validation, to still be fed and be somewhat in peace. But now I am an adult man, and I no longer need that. I can feed myself and I can provide and ressource myself.
AS I reresearch narcissim after now 2 years not looking at it, I am getting a way deeper understanding of it. ANd how the shared fantasy and introjection of the narcissist has impacted me.
How those unspoken rules were laid upon my life:
- You cant bring something new to this life
- You arent allowed to do anything without asking me first
- You need to have my allowance to make changes
- If you make my adjust anything in my life, you are to blame
- I mean it good with you and the outside world wants to hurt you and abuse you
This goes much further than I thought. I am thanking the universe big time though for revealing all of this.
During this ayahuasca retreat I somehow found a swith inside of my brain that is labeled with I SAY YES TO LIVE. UNCONDITIONALLY
I saw how fear, pain and everything that I struggled to feel in the past is part of life. And I can either choose to live live…then those are included or not…but anything inbetween just hurts.
Today again throwing things away. I am making myself ready to move places. My mind is coming again and again and is placing doubts in me.
I am realizing in how much control my mind has been of my life.
I had an extra round of Ayahuasca yesterday alone. It was super interesting to now experience 3 different kinds of medicine in 3 days. They all work a bit differently,…mine is kinda the favourite ^^
Regarding a new flat, I want to look for a different approach…I want to manifest it. I am not looking for a new flat, I am finding a new place to live. I dont want to call it home anymore. My home is withhin me. I dont want to give my power away to a thing again.
Yesterdays round of ayahuasca has shown me a lot again.
For one there was another rule:
I mean it good with you and the outside world wants to hurt you and abuse you
While in reality the it the complete opposite.
Other than that I saw aswell how my situation is actually really good. I can learn how to stand up for myself and be an adult man who takes responsibility for his own world and his own reality.
Back to my escaping Narcissism Course…
I took on those rules…and in change I gave away my lifeforce, my own integrity, my own power. What I got was the promise of unconditional love…as long as I stay withhin those rules.
This goes so deep. I start to be able to see where I am in my psyche and where my parents are in my psyche.
So after now 5 days of ayahuasca back to back its time for a small pause…also because I want to listen to subs again and I have become quite careful about the combination of the two.
1:30 of WB (embedded) and 1:00 of GLM. Proud that I dont add any third title, dont switch and just increase loop length. But I start to see how a part of me wants to switch or add again and again. But now is not the time for this.
During listening to GLM, I felt a deep strength coming into me. I felt powerful. And I realized that in this conflict with my parents…its not just me against them…I realized…I have the LAW on my side. What I want to to is completley by the law. I have all the tools and things that my country offers in that regard.
In the last days I am realizing more and more how I was raised in this family where we each felt more about member of the family than citizen of the state. And a lot of unlawful things are going on in the family. A view that the state and law is bad.
Nevertheless…I am procrastinating having that escalation talk with my parents…but I realized…I can just have it on the phone. And Ill just tell my dad. With him its easier.
I am proud of myself how many things I am giving away. I am getting better and better. There are so many things that I havent touched in a year still left.
So I threw away a piece of clothing that I just bought this year…but never wore…because it is something the old me would have woren…but I dont like it anymore. I felt shame. For wasting money…And I was standing there with the tshirt, looking at it, feeling the shame…I thought I had to feel the shame till the end, till it doesnt trigger me anymore…but then I realized: If I just throw it away…I will never see it again…I will never think of it again…and this 20-25€…well, i can afford it. I start to see how I am used to attaching to emotions, used to making myself feel bad. Used to internalize the punisher…but there is no punisher anymore. There is no punishment anymore for making slight mistakes. There is no perfection asked anymore. There are no rules anymore. There is only freedom.
And with this freedom I want to get a new place to live. A place where my parents will never set foot into. I feel shame writing this. There is something withhin me that says that it is shamefulto abandon my parents. That its my duty to take care of them. But this is simply some unspoken contract. Something I may or may not have agreed as a soul when I came to this plane of existance…but as a person now, I never agreed. And because of that I am breaking that contract that I never agreed to as a consentable (18+) adult human being. I will no longer take care of my parents. It feels good to write that. As I write that I feel a lot of energy getting freed up and moving.
AS I wrote this…I am realizing how toxic that spiritual mindset can be of “As a soul, I consented to all of this”…this believe keep me stuck. I didnt take action in many areas, as I believed that I would run away from some lessons or so. What a bullshit.
Had a rapé, I feel connected to my anger again. Anger about my powerlessness. But I am not powerless. This is just a lie I tell myself. Yes I am speaking to you Alex, you are a liar and you lie to yourself. Stop it. fucking stop making yourself small. Man the fuck up. Dont be such a pushover.
I admit it. I bought into the stories others told me about myself. When I was a child. I take responsibility now for my believes. I gave my power away. I made myself a victim. Told myself that I am powerless and the others pushed there believes onto me and that I couldnt do anything about it…in the past as a child this may have been true. But now I am a 34 year old MAN. Now its time to take radical responsibility for my situation, inner world and live.
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Did my mantra chanting today. Had a pause while the retreat, but getting again into it. Proud that I now have a month of constant, discilplined sadhana.
During chanting i asked for the universe to teach me how to use my anger in a way where i dont hurt myself anymore. How to use it healty.
And I realized: In the past, after such a realization that in the past I was in the wrong…I used that anger agaisnt myself. To PUNISH myself. But this is wrong. So wrong!
I am not like that. I dont want to look back in pity and self loathing. I had this very bad, hurtful attitude about anger. But it is not what anger is…
ANGER IS THE DRIVE TO CHANGE
This feels like a very very deep realization.
Something again I realized:
The last days when being with myself, my attention was mostly in my inside world. My focus was on my inside world. But what I am learning more and more is that I not longer necisserily need other people to have my focus on the outside world. I can be like that alone aswelll…subs help a ton though!
And I dont want to be a yogi anylonger…permanently connected to my inside world. thats to much!
Met a friend and we had a nice walk and lunch together. Feeling very tired now. Also had a lot of brainfog and the feeling of an energetic fog in front of my face…but this is gone now after sleeping.
I just realized what is going on…i forgot to push the button inside of me that says YES TO LIVE, WHATEVER IS that I found during the Ayahuasca retreat.
There is a feeling that I should go to the gym. I want to go but I am a bit cautious because I dont want to crash again. Maybe it is time for rest…I did a lot in the last days. Much inner work.
I feel there is a lot to integrate. I am kind cut off with my anger that game me energy again. I feel very calm again…but when I ask myself how do I feel…I feel angry. Angry for manouvering myself into that situation. Angry for not making these steps that I am about to take earlier. But as I write this I see it: I havent made actual steps so far. All I am doing is tyding up and talking about it. I havent found the courage to talk with my parents yet.
So…there is one thing to do…Get your Phone and take action.
Father cant talk right now.
There are again two parts inside of me…the calm me…and a super forious me. One that I am afraid to let loose onto the world. But as I write this…I know…Titrate all that out…
What do you want to tell me?
I hate my parents. All that they did to me. How they didnt teach me how to live a proper life. A happy life. They didnt teach me to be an adult. They didnt teach me how to be happy. Now I feel energized again…this other calm part calms me down. They didnt know it themselves. They cant teach me something they dont know.
I am proud that this inner comminication starts to work.
So what do I want to do now?
I WANT TO LEARN MYSELF HOW TO BE HAPPY
Off to the gym now. I no longer feel blocked so much. My feet are still a bit numb…do what you learned in somatic experiencing. Spread the energy to your legs. And get going.
Proud that I am learning to titrate…and to balance rest and action.
There is a second thing I procrastinate: Asking if I can cancel the retreat in bali and use the money I paid for the 6 week long retreat thats with the same team.
Did it…I started the process
I had the talk with my parents. Over the phone…it was really intense. I went a bit overboard…but it was kinda required, as I wasnt listened to when I was calm and quiet.
I feel like an asshole. Maybe I am. But what I learned in the last years is that sometimes you need to be an asshole to make your point. especially when someone doesnt listen to me.
My mind plays tricks on me…tells me that I am the bad guy in this whole story. But I talked about this with so many people. Loving kind people. And all of them said that I am doing the right thing.
It was hard to see my fathers world crumble…in the way he talked…to see how he has his believe system that he cannot or does not want to confront.
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