Wonderful.
Sounds good. Ill wait for what they announce with the next season. The only reason I am hesitating on wanted is that I right now lead kind of a hermit life and really want to learn to be alone and independent and focus on my own healing and creating my own foundation in life. On wanted that may create some reccon. But lets see. Maybe just switching to KB1 istead of the Custom would lighten the stack up and make it more focused on my intention of using it.
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2 minute loop of new Custom today…and in those 3 hours since then I have been crying most of the time.
So many realizations about myself are coming in…the deepest…I have been approaching myself and personal development completley wrong. Those things I learned in tantra retreats and spirituality…to when I am in victim mindset to just tell me “Stop it” and go on and live my life…doesnt work for my nervous system. When I am triggered I need the treatment that a PTSD veteran needs…calm down, take some rest, take a look around, its not war anymore, check fpr yorself if you are in danger…okay…you want to sleep in tent outside…okay…
I am seriously starting to see how deep that childhood ptsd has impacted my nervous system. And to really start to honour and value that my childhood was a warzone on the emotional and spiritual level.
its rough. Really going through healing of that is rough. Rewiring my complete nervous system. Installing a complete new program in my system. And realizing: I am reaching a point where there starts to be a balance between my old operating system and the new one. But realizing: whenever I install something new, and start that program, I stop a old program, and the old operating system gets panic because something is missing. I realize that for me only this back and forth healing appraoch really works. Only by making the rubberbands more elastic I can properly heal and change. Fast change has this rubberband effect…but slow change is fundamental change.
Other than that, I realized: I have huge boundary issues. And according to my theraphists to really integrate them it will take a year. Getting boundaries going is the most important thing in my life currently. Really starting to protect my nervous system. To really create a safe space for myself for the first time.
I had two issues where I got hurt a lot in the tantra communites…one with that mans retreat “Brotherhood Initiation”. My commitment buddy (an assistent at the retreat) simply ghosted me afterwards. And I was in a very vulnerable time after this retreat as I just broke up with my GF and before the retreat fell back into using weed. I even wrote him: Hey, I am on the bring of throwing away weed, I need a push to know that it is the right thing to do"…and I was left in the dry. No response. A month later I confronted him. He said that he was sorry, but at the same time he wrote “But you know, I am not here to safe you”. Which made me even angrier. I am still proud that I am weedfree since then. But I didnt throw it away. I still have it. I made a safe with my 3D printer for it. So I need to brake this safe to use it. Back then I said: 3months and I can use it again. But I dont feel stable enough in my life right now to use it only lets say every 2 weeks. As a treat. To much danger to fall back into a habbit. Still, I havent touched it and show myself that I am responsible. Still, I am not sure if I am making my life harder if I keep it available or not…
So with that guy I had one more message, telling him, that I dont want to be called Bro by him. Telling him that currently I dont want to talk with him for an appology as before that some serious stuff that happened on the retreat beween the two of us needed to be gone through in writing. The thing is: Just before that retreat I realized: My nervous system doesnt like to be touched by people. I dont like Hugs, shoudler touches, whatever by people I dont know or trust. And I tried to enforce those boundaries. And in those spaces normally everyone hugs each other, is very near…but I started to ask the question: Do I actually like this? And the answer is: No my Body and nervous system doesnt like that.
And this guy…kept on being pushy about it. Touched me at the resteaurant waiting line. Even though I said I dont want to be touched. I felt molested actually. I know there is another truth, where I didnt enforce my boundaries strong enough. I am honest: I didnt have the energy and was afraid of the emotional reactions. I didnt want to get into fights and arguments at the retreat.
I wanted to clear this up in writing. But just telling him I didnt want to be called Bro…he was not able to take this boundary. Just responeded that I am seemingly angry and projecting my negativly charged words onto him. Which for me meant: I am not hearing your boundaries and telling you that your boundaries are unreasonable…I want to go on to call you bro. And I realized: its no point to talk with that guy. He seemingly doesnt have the emotional intelligence. He is a boundary tester and crusher. I wont get my proper appology there. I let this sleep after that. A week ago the retreat leader contaced me how I am doing. I shared this story. He suggested to hold space for a talk between the two of us. I decided though…to not go for this. There is to much danger to again not being heard. To again being told I am unreasonable with my expectations. And what is to be gained? An applogy by a fucktard that I dont like anyhow, that I will never see again most likely. I conciously decided to go on.
The second thing was that during an event photos were made. I was naked at some point. And pictures where made. Told the photographer not to share those nude pictures even with the facilitator. On the next day wrote the facilitator to not use my nude pictures for social media or anything…and some days later…with the pictures shared with the participants: a nude picture of myself was included…
First I was just like: delete this. But then I felt something deeper…
A part of myself that said: A sorry is here not enough. Something is missing there: Responsibility. Especially as she said: This was a missunderstanding.I am proud for getting angry. For me, getting angry is not something bad. Its a way to access my truth. Getting loud. Putting my fist on the table. Masculine fiery power. I wanted a proper appology that this was a fault on her side. And a “callback” of the picture via mail to the persons it what shared to. She didnt want to do it. It went so far that we got into mediation. In hindsight it was a disaster. I went into people pleasing mode. Suddenly it was her and the mediator vs me as they were gaslighting me about that fiery power calling me being triggered. That some deeper wound is underneath…sure, this triggers every time that my boundaries were crossed. Nevertheless…sharing a nude picture without any consent is a major thing. Its against the law even. I fawned so hard and pulled back from me wanting her to send that…I just wanted to get an honest applogy how I need it: “I made a mistake. I am sorry.” I jsut got a “I am sorry that my action caused pain inside of you.” Which for me. Is not taking of responsibility, espcially as she is a facilitator. There is a part inside of me…that feels guilty for being so precise about words. Nevertheless. As the mediator suggested her to write something in the community newletter about how this experience has teached us something. And what she wrote a month later was actually satisfying me. The she wrote we made a mistake.
Still: what this whole thing brought up for me: in both of those situations, I was hurt. I was a victim. Because: What could I have done more to not be let down by a commitment buddy? And what could I have done more than to write her: No nude picturs of me for social media or anything? And I had to fight a lot to get my power back. I know now that I can fight for myself. This is what I gained. But it took so much energy. It felt like a collectice process was runnign through me. Back when this process started I was in a quite spiritual open place…talking to energies and realites…back then I agreed with the “temple entity” that my price to go through that conflict is that during the next temple event I will meet a woman for an affair. For some regular intimacy. Lets see if that happens. Lets see if that spiritual ágreements work.
Nevertheless: What I found out is true taking of accountability and responsibility:
A proper appology
Really looking into the victims world to see what damage has been caused
Talk how this damage can be repaired
If I had to value the damage that has been cause by this guy not responding to me…I would say: 500-1000€. Simply because it refuelled my wound of misstrusting other men.
And the main thing: If you do damage and with the appology tell the other person: Hey you are overreacting, I just did this and you are reacting like this, this would be an appropiate reation: This is gaslighting. Especially as in all of those situation I didnt react. All of those messages were finely tuned word by word by me. Analyzed by AI. Because I also misstrusted myself for having those firm boudnaries. For being so sensitive about gaslighting. But I am realizing it. I am becoming a scanner for the slightest amount of abusive behaviour.
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Art is becoming much more sophistocated currently. Going into art theraphy and doodling.
Quite proud on what I create. Especial neurographic is nice to reprogram the subconcious.
I can relate to the lack of boundaries. It’s difficult because until true boundaries have been discovered within and embodied, and we enter into relationship with others in a balanced way, we put ourselves in situations where we entrust other people with a sensitive part of us, we project a part of us onto them because we feel understood and safe and intimately connected, but when that trust is inevitably broken (because it was not based on true balanced trust in oneself but depended on the other person to hold it for us) and that illusion of safety crashes, this part of us comes back to us like a painful boomerang and we get so confused how blind we were to trust this person and how come we opened ourselves so much in the first place, etc.
It’s part of the process and unfortunately our logical ego mind cannot really help us make sense of it there, only our practices, healing of our energetic bodies and proper recalibration, reopening energy flow to these parts of us, etc will make it that our perception of ourselves and other naturally changes and become balanced.
I’m going through the same in different ways and after some breakthroughs it felt so weird to see and feel myself around others so differently, I feel so much more grounded in myself and I feel the emotional distance between me and others that I never experienced this way before, it’s a little strange at first but then I realize this is how it’s supposed to be and then I rediscover a new way to be intimate with others which is more stable, empowered and internal, like I’m more free to take in and give away as much as I wish on an intimate emotional level, it’s hard to explain it’s so different and I have much more to heal and discover but all this to say I understand you so much with this difficult boundaries experiences.
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Thank you for that wonderful comment 
Do you have anything to share how to work on that?
Just went for a walk after that subliminal loop and it was crazy…I felt safe. Like properly safe. It felt like night and day. Like if normaly I am in “War mode” and now there is this abundance of peace and time and there is time to just walk through the city, look at mugs with cute animals and enjoy life. I feel like I am getting a taste of what true abundance, peace and happiness tastes and looks like.
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The only practical advice I can give is not directly related but just general advice, 3 categories:
-stop doing what you know for sure is bad for you
-reduce what you have mixed feelings about but still enjoy (like weed for ex, or certain relationships) until you are more clear where you stand on it
-do more of what you know for sure is good for you.
It’s very general but it’s a simple dynamic system.
And as you let go of the bad more new good things comes in and makes the middle categorie more clear so it becomes obvious if you have to let go or you can keep.
There can be a lot in the middle categorie and that’s ok, the more you increase the good stuff the more energy you get the more clear everything becomes.
We can’t force healing and breakthroughs but we can be smart and honest about what we are already aware of and follow more the things that increase our love and light in our life.
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Wow, thats a very simple yet (from what I can imagine) super effective system, thank you!
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The amount of healing I am going through today is ridicolous. I just realized how shame is no emotional bodily reaction…but started in the mind. I felt in my mind the start of a shame attack. How when my father called and I pressed it away because I dont want any contact anymore…all my mind got crazy about how to tell him this in a way where I dont hurt him and this and that and how to explain myself…this is shame…this whole wave…is shame. And I was abled to stop it for the first time in my life.
WOW
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Just got back from my Tai Chi course…simply wow…during training, it felt as if i was floating above my body and it was just my phsical manfestation and vessel. My body just moved and did most of the tai chi better than ever before. Meanwhile it felt like I was communicating on a spiritual level with the other participants.
On the way there I had a thought; Its very hard for me to build self worth, as most of what I do, I dont do. I just let go. And its hard to build selfworth of something that I dont do.
But after the Tai chi session and realizing: Noone of them can do the flow without the instuctor showing or telling them what to do…I realized: The fact that I can let go so well. The fruit of all my spiritual practices…thats my self worth. Thats MY achievement. Because this is true selfwort…worth taken for what I have become. I have become a vessel for energies to express themselves through. And for that I can take worth. Because this is also somethign that truly counts. At the same time this is nothing that can ever be compared with someone. And so it cant be talked down, it cant be taken from me. These are true spiritual gainz
Hmmm. Going for Ayahuasce retreat this weekend again.
Part of me is afraid. Not because of the medicine, but because a simple decision I made out of ethics and integrity: When they want me to sign a form for taking all responsibility. I will decline. I find its unethical. How can I take responsibility for something someone else prepared, someone else dosed and then for the experience I have in a vulnerable state in a place with other people? These are the things I pay people for to take care of. And its unethical if I pay for something and those dont take responsibility for any of their doings.
But I start to uncover that this is a big issue in the spiritual healing scene. There is no protection at all. No taking of responsibility. IN most places.
The peruvian curandero I also work with doesnt want any form to be signed. He takes responsibility.
Its been a while…
Last two month were intense. No Subliminals, but a lot of actual change happening in my life.
I took a 2 month detox from all spirituality. And all dopamin.
I learned that I ran away from life by engaging on an “spiritual path”.
And now my focus is on getting my actual grounded life in order.
I will be moving places to a new flat either mid jan of feb 1st. My first actual own place and not family property.
I am throwing away so much junk I own.
There is still so much stuff in my life from the time back with my ex-wife. Stuff that I feel holds me back in an old identity. Clothing. Towels. Home decoration. Kitchen Stuff. Furniture All this stuff we bought together when moving in together and that she left behind. I want to change all of those things. I start to see now how much I am triggering myself with still owning all this stuf…or on another level…Where I am resisting to let go from her or properly said that identity of myself back then.
I am making big escalations regarding my shared property with my parents. Using mediation to really go through with that. To not have those difficult talks on the kitchen table with my parents house.
Its hard for me. Because in my reality and also with my theraphsits and all my friend this is my properly owned property…but in my parents reality…they gifted it to me and so I am somehow obliged. Nevertheless…I want to have a contact pause of some years with them. And I dont feel comfortable without dividing property first. Though…I am considering halting that for 2-3 months till I have settled in my own appartment and have seen how I feel there when I reach my own stability about everything.
I want to engage with subs again. Not sure what yet.
Either GLM, EE or one of the healing titles. I definitley have some self worth issues going on. Perfectionism. Missing emapthy for myself. Limiting believes. Lack of confidence. Negative self talk. Self pity.
Started with subs with my GLM RoS Custom again.
Last 2 month were deep work of understnafing my neurodivergence. Turns out I have issues turning on my prefrontal cortex. Subs seem to help with doing that.
I suffer from what I started to call “state dependent access loss”. Sometimes I am in a state where incan use as much willpower as I want…but of my limbic system si running the show I have no real chance to change patterns of behaviour.
But learning of this, gives me a lot more inner peace. Sometimes I am in a state in which the only Thing to do is rest and not fuck up. And not feel bad to be in a state where i cant think plan or execute things.
Just one loop of the sub activated my PFC and Inam in connection with my pfc again.
Also what I started to understand is that i have hypersensitive mirror neurons and due to my chipdhood inallways lived like a mirror to those around me. But instart to get vetter and better to doscern where i am anf where my bonding system is at.
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Thank you.
I am allready working with neurofeedback in a similar way to support my brain.
These last days I am starting tonreally get to the root cause of the question “what is the core issue with my psyche”.
It seems that there are two things going on: my brain really loving to go through different levels of functioning (sometimes being an abacus, sometimes a high school calculator, sometimes being a nintendo 64 and phases of going full on quantuum processor) without me being able tontake charge of whan what mode is going on.
And the Second thing: due tonmy developmwntal trauma, my brain saves identities not at a core place, but connects, identity, skills, executive functioning self image…to persons and when this person falls away: a part of me dies. And I am onlx learning it now…and how to undo it.
Basically: i was with my exwife during me studying electrical engineering…she bretrays me…we divorce…and i am going throigh a major depressive episode and losing multiple years of my life…i meet someone new, depression is lifting…i am startong ro be able to properly mourn the loss…regain my skills, self image etc…we break up because of anything…depression angain…all of me lost…
My sens of self was allways connected to a person that gives me stability…
And at the same time: i used to be a social cameleon…with theraphist a, i am like Me A…with theraphist B, Me B…and there is no real consolidation…maybe a little bit… Because when inam alone, i used to miss the Ressources to integrate those different selves.
This is especially wounding from what happend in spring and summer…i had this very close bedst friend. With whom i was like brothers on a deep spiritual quest to enlightenment…i decided that our Spiritual practice wasnt healthy anynore and our friendship imploded…and i not only lost the friendship…but every progress i made in those 2 years of where we went this path together.
I am starting to understand thos mechanisms…basically it originated from my bei g ashamed. From me believing that every relationship that ends is my fault and me shamimg myself about it so much that i blocked off all memories with that persons.
I believed that everything good that happens in a relationship comed from the other…and every friction is coming from me…and that a fight or breakup…is 100% my fault and not simply patterns exceeding themselves or simply paths diverging.
Realizing this…those last days where crazy…
As…suddenly I am starting to see what “no core sense of self” or “fragmented” sense of self is saying…and it slowly Puts itself together. I make myself no illusion…this will take 2026…but now i udnerstand why i never really had trust in myself, my capabilities…
But inallready had preview Moments of how it actually feels when my nervous system “puts me together”.
Where i feel like the man that, has a master in electrical engineering, went through years of trauma therpahy, went through that spiritual Journey, has a lot of spiritual skills and knowledge, built a house from scratch…
I am Starting to see what i was missing my whole life…that layer in which confidence is actually built in. My psyche never got to the point where it can build confidence from schievements because that whole structure was missing.
Also today i woke up, after now listeing to my dub for some loops…and i felt that layer of “mood” for the first time in my life … I may have been happy in the past…loughed…but that layer of mood…i was in a permanent state of being stressed and feeling in danger…and today that lifted for some hours…
I feel hope 
Was a great Preview that i got in this last week for 2026. Will be a good year 
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Are you using something such as magnetic pulsing or cranial electrostimulation?
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For now not, as those are quite expensive and are not payed by health insurance.
I have experience using transcranial direct current stimulation.
Long time no journaling.
This year is going fabolous for me.
Signed contract for my new flat today. Will start moving now.
This move is an enire redefinition of myself. A real shedding of so many layers of myself. Intense but amazing.
Regeneration brought a lot of healing since I started it. Now I am on a small washout as I am participating in a medice retreat ceremony this weekend.
My relationship with the shamanic work has changed entirely though in the last months. With all spirituality actually. I was looking for so much identity and aswers and wasnt using spirituality for what its actually for…atleast for me…as a tool to go forward in life.
I approach a point in my life where it feels like my “healing jounrey” is ending. And a new chapter is starting. Engaging life again. As someone entirely new. There are still some things to learn. Especially how to use my mind and my brain.
After the move is finished, the next chapter of my life will be finding out what type of work is nourishing for me. Not where I can be successful, but rather what work is working or me. Something that is not the grind. But rather something that is regulating me. nourishing me and my nervous system. Lets see…I am contemplating a bit what sub could help me there. for now. I plan to continue a bit with Regeneration and also with my GLM/RoS Custom…Emperor is interesting, but I am actually considering moving to something like the art of joy.
I feel like I am entering a new dimension of life…where I am a beginner again. Starting from scratch, allowing myself to be a beginner. I am currently learning to make eroors. To actually try things out without knowing if I can do them. Allowing myself to make mistakes. To actually learn something and not allready have the learning be like an exam. Its hard. But I am staying. I make small steps and I trust that small steps are the steps that bring continous progress.