Just got back from my Tai Chi course…simply wow…during training, it felt as if i was floating above my body and it was just my phsical manfestation and vessel. My body just moved and did most of the tai chi better than ever before. Meanwhile it felt like I was communicating on a spiritual level with the other participants.
On the way there I had a thought; Its very hard for me to build self worth, as most of what I do, I dont do. I just let go. And its hard to build selfworth of something that I dont do.
But after the Tai chi session and realizing: Noone of them can do the flow without the instuctor showing or telling them what to do…I realized: The fact that I can let go so well. The fruit of all my spiritual practices…thats my self worth. Thats MY achievement. Because this is true selfwort…worth taken for what I have become. I have become a vessel for energies to express themselves through. And for that I can take worth. Because this is also somethign that truly counts. At the same time this is nothing that can ever be compared with someone. And so it cant be talked down, it cant be taken from me. These are true spiritual gainz
Hmmm. Going for Ayahuasce retreat this weekend again.
Part of me is afraid. Not because of the medicine, but because a simple decision I made out of ethics and integrity: When they want me to sign a form for taking all responsibility. I will decline. I find its unethical. How can I take responsibility for something someone else prepared, someone else dosed and then for the experience I have in a vulnerable state in a place with other people? These are the things I pay people for to take care of. And its unethical if I pay for something and those dont take responsibility for any of their doings.
But I start to uncover that this is a big issue in the spiritual healing scene. There is no protection at all. No taking of responsibility. IN most places.
The peruvian curandero I also work with doesnt want any form to be signed. He takes responsibility.
Its been a while…
Last two month were intense. No Subliminals, but a lot of actual change happening in my life.
I took a 2 month detox from all spirituality. And all dopamin.
I learned that I ran away from life by engaging on an “spiritual path”.
And now my focus is on getting my actual grounded life in order.
I will be moving places to a new flat either mid jan of feb 1st. My first actual own place and not family property.
I am throwing away so much junk I own.
There is still so much stuff in my life from the time back with my ex-wife. Stuff that I feel holds me back in an old identity. Clothing. Towels. Home decoration. Kitchen Stuff. Furniture All this stuff we bought together when moving in together and that she left behind. I want to change all of those things. I start to see now how much I am triggering myself with still owning all this stuf…or on another level…Where I am resisting to let go from her or properly said that identity of myself back then.
I am making big escalations regarding my shared property with my parents. Using mediation to really go through with that. To not have those difficult talks on the kitchen table with my parents house.
Its hard for me. Because in my reality and also with my theraphsits and all my friend this is my properly owned property…but in my parents reality…they gifted it to me and so I am somehow obliged. Nevertheless…I want to have a contact pause of some years with them. And I dont feel comfortable without dividing property first. Though…I am considering halting that for 2-3 months till I have settled in my own appartment and have seen how I feel there when I reach my own stability about everything.
I want to engage with subs again. Not sure what yet.
Either GLM, EE or one of the healing titles. I definitley have some self worth issues going on. Perfectionism. Missing emapthy for myself. Limiting believes. Lack of confidence. Negative self talk. Self pity.
Started with subs with my GLM RoS Custom again.
Last 2 month were deep work of understnafing my neurodivergence. Turns out I have issues turning on my prefrontal cortex. Subs seem to help with doing that.
I suffer from what I started to call “state dependent access loss”. Sometimes I am in a state where incan use as much willpower as I want…but of my limbic system si running the show I have no real chance to change patterns of behaviour.
But learning of this, gives me a lot more inner peace. Sometimes I am in a state in which the only Thing to do is rest and not fuck up. And not feel bad to be in a state where i cant think plan or execute things.
Just one loop of the sub activated my PFC and Inam in connection with my pfc again.
Also what I started to understand is that i have hypersensitive mirror neurons and due to my chipdhood inallways lived like a mirror to those around me. But instart to get vetter and better to doscern where i am anf where my bonding system is at.
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Thank you.
I am allready working with neurofeedback in a similar way to support my brain.
These last days I am starting tonreally get to the root cause of the question “what is the core issue with my psyche”.
It seems that there are two things going on: my brain really loving to go through different levels of functioning (sometimes being an abacus, sometimes a high school calculator, sometimes being a nintendo 64 and phases of going full on quantuum processor) without me being able tontake charge of whan what mode is going on.
And the Second thing: due tonmy developmwntal trauma, my brain saves identities not at a core place, but connects, identity, skills, executive functioning self image…to persons and when this person falls away: a part of me dies. And I am onlx learning it now…and how to undo it.
Basically: i was with my exwife during me studying electrical engineering…she bretrays me…we divorce…and i am going throigh a major depressive episode and losing multiple years of my life…i meet someone new, depression is lifting…i am startong ro be able to properly mourn the loss…regain my skills, self image etc…we break up because of anything…depression angain…all of me lost…
My sens of self was allways connected to a person that gives me stability…
And at the same time: i used to be a social cameleon…with theraphist a, i am like Me A…with theraphist B, Me B…and there is no real consolidation…maybe a little bit… Because when inam alone, i used to miss the Ressources to integrate those different selves.
This is especially wounding from what happend in spring and summer…i had this very close bedst friend. With whom i was like brothers on a deep spiritual quest to enlightenment…i decided that our Spiritual practice wasnt healthy anynore and our friendship imploded…and i not only lost the friendship…but every progress i made in those 2 years of where we went this path together.
I am starting to understand thos mechanisms…basically it originated from my bei g ashamed. From me believing that every relationship that ends is my fault and me shamimg myself about it so much that i blocked off all memories with that persons.
I believed that everything good that happens in a relationship comed from the other…and every friction is coming from me…and that a fight or breakup…is 100% my fault and not simply patterns exceeding themselves or simply paths diverging.
Realizing this…those last days where crazy…
As…suddenly I am starting to see what “no core sense of self” or “fragmented” sense of self is saying…and it slowly Puts itself together. I make myself no illusion…this will take 2026…but now i udnerstand why i never really had trust in myself, my capabilities…
But inallready had preview Moments of how it actually feels when my nervous system “puts me together”.
Where i feel like the man that, has a master in electrical engineering, went through years of trauma therpahy, went through that spiritual Journey, has a lot of spiritual skills and knowledge, built a house from scratch…
I am Starting to see what i was missing my whole life…that layer in which confidence is actually built in. My psyche never got to the point where it can build confidence from schievements because that whole structure was missing.
Also today i woke up, after now listeing to my dub for some loops…and i felt that layer of “mood” for the first time in my life … I may have been happy in the past…loughed…but that layer of mood…i was in a permanent state of being stressed and feeling in danger…and today that lifted for some hours…
I feel hope 
Was a great Preview that i got in this last week for 2026. Will be a good year 
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Are you using something such as magnetic pulsing or cranial electrostimulation?
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For now not, as those are quite expensive and are not payed by health insurance.
I have experience using transcranial direct current stimulation.
Long time no journaling.
This year is going fabolous for me.
Signed contract for my new flat today. Will start moving now.
This move is an enire redefinition of myself. A real shedding of so many layers of myself. Intense but amazing.
Regeneration brought a lot of healing since I started it. Now I am on a small washout as I am participating in a medice retreat ceremony this weekend.
My relationship with the shamanic work has changed entirely though in the last months. With all spirituality actually. I was looking for so much identity and aswers and wasnt using spirituality for what its actually for…atleast for me…as a tool to go forward in life.
I approach a point in my life where it feels like my “healing jounrey” is ending. And a new chapter is starting. Engaging life again. As someone entirely new. There are still some things to learn. Especially how to use my mind and my brain.
After the move is finished, the next chapter of my life will be finding out what type of work is nourishing for me. Not where I can be successful, but rather what work is working or me. Something that is not the grind. But rather something that is regulating me. nourishing me and my nervous system. Lets see…I am contemplating a bit what sub could help me there. for now. I plan to continue a bit with Regeneration and also with my GLM/RoS Custom…Emperor is interesting, but I am actually considering moving to something like the art of joy.
I feel like I am entering a new dimension of life…where I am a beginner again. Starting from scratch, allowing myself to be a beginner. I am currently learning to make eroors. To actually try things out without knowing if I can do them. Allowing myself to make mistakes. To actually learn something and not allready have the learning be like an exam. Its hard. But I am staying. I make small steps and I trust that small steps are the steps that bring continous progress.
its been a time…
This move that I am going through. Is intense. Moving from 150 squaremeters, to 50…required giving up a lot of stuff. And I am learning something about my deepest subconcious bonding patterns. I start to see how much my system is using things to stabilize my identity.
So this move is creating a lot of emotional turmoil and change inside of me.
The new flat is amazing. it feels like a place where my nervous system can get some rest…not everyday, but way more than in my old home, that was family property.
Still quite stressed as I need to finish the old home…and I have been throwing away so much stuff that I used to love. But that doesnt serve my life anymore.
The process of seperating property with my parents is also really triggering for my attachment system. I struggle with a lot of guild and shame. Seen from an objective standpoint, what I am doing is super healthy. I am seperating property with my parents to become an autonomous man. I want to have no contact for some years to grow up internally and stand on my own feet. But also to sort my feelings in regards of my parents…I struggle because my inner child is idealizing them…and my inner teenager is projecting every pain of my life onto them…for the upbringing I got and the programming I got (that created developmental trauma and C-PTSD in me). Just like I talked with it in theraphy. But…for my family system…what I am doing is betrayal…as this is a toxic enmeshed family system…and this family system lives in me. I start to see how deep the parentification goes inside of me. How deep I take resposibility for every relationship I am in. How I adjust to anyone I am with. And how I only start to see who I am beyond that. With this internalized family system, every step I make into authenticity and autonomy I get shame attacks. Normally this isnt an issue…but when I sleep bad…I wake up in such deep reccon that It takes days to recover from. Even a message from my parents…bonding reflexes inside of me are triggered and I regress into a 2 year old todler…to the point where I have to talk to them in regards of seperating property over a laywer. Which creates more shame…shame spirals…it really hurts my ego and me “becoming an adult man” when just a message from my father (about nothing serious) can send me into a spiral that lasts days. I feel ashamed for that.
I really struggle letting go this toxic image of a man always having to be able to handle everything…accepting myself with that achilles heel…or kryptonite…that is my family.
Currently running regeneration solo. Not sure what to add.
When this move is finished and I found some rest I want to make a plan for my life.
Allready have some ideas.
Currently hitting the gym near daily which I am really proud of.
And I got my first customer for neurofeedback. It feels amazing to earn money by myself with something I love.
Biggest struggle currently in my life is sleep. I sleep like shit. And I suffer from it bigtime.
Slept very bad again. I really start to see it…my life is currently really rough. There is not much to look forward to. I am doing the grind and building long term fundament…for everything…and took away so many things in the last month that gave my life sense. drugs, spirituality, nicotine, my old home, family…and while it feels like i am digging deep and building a fundament for my life…I suffer a lot. because I go through it alone. And I start to see the issues of it. First, not being witnessed. Secondly not being cheered for.
There is literally noone in my life that contacts me and asks me how I am doing. The only thing that keeps happening is: I contact someone and they tell me…ohh, I thought about contacting you…but didnt manage…which triggers me even more somehow.
Through this process I am currently going…I am really changing. But change that happens in solitude is not really something I can deeply cheerish. I have issues really seeing for myself what I am actually achieving. That I am making big steps. But my inner critic is again taking all of that away and life is again all about tiking boxes with no positive feelings for ticked boxes…only guilt and shame for things I push forward because I have limited capacitys.
So I guess I need to tell it to myself:
You are doing good. You are doing amazing. Its good that you take care of your emotional capabilities. What you are currently going through is FUCKING ROUGH. You are allowed to feel like going through a meat grinder. You are allowed to feel pain, grief, sorrow, existential dread, panic, guilt, shame. As bitter as it sounds…this is part of the process…you you crazy motherf%%ker do what others do with help alone and go throug develop others take 5 years for in 5 months. You are amazing. 
Today taking rest from crushing, burning and evaporating my old life…and looking a bit into the new life.
Writing this post shows me: My system doesnt take external validation serious anymore. And I have been missing the post important place to give myself validation…this journal. To give myself validation and to get an overview and narrative of what is actually happening in my life.
The move is finished. Well done me
Telked with the lawyer about making future communication with my parents over her…Because direct contact with my parents make me have panic attack…Well done me
Made a new friend in Gym. Well done me
Worte in journal again and telling myself to feel good. Well done me
For now I need this tool to allow my to feel good. Well done me for seeing this
Having that workout in the gym with someone else…moved more in my body than most theraphy sessions.
Just having a man stand next to me…giving me presence, counting my reps was amazing.
As now my move is finished…In the next days I want to start making a plan what I want to focus my life onto now…there are multiple intersting things going on…but Id like to focus a bit…
Just a collection of thoughts…
-) Working on my “healthy ego” concept that I maybe want to turn into an App
-) Hitting the shopping mall regularly. I gave away nearly all my clothing and decided I can spend around 1k for new clothing and new everydayitems to really make a change in everyday life. And really taking my time for it. Finding my style.
-) Hitting the gym regularly…additionally Id like to start something with fighting. But at the same time I am very anxious about it…so maybe Ill start with a personal trainer for some sessions…did that in India actually for some sessions…and it was quite nice.
-) loosly hoping to get some neurofeedback clitens. mid term I have availability for around 5 session per week. That would finance my flat. Which would be amazing.
-) more social contact
-) contact improv and improv theather…maybe for spring/summer when I can use my motorcycle to drive to vienna
-) dating…I really would like to enter the sexual marketplace. I want to have a one night stand. And maybe something very very loose…or multiple loose things…but it feels like there is this boundary I havent crossed yet. not sure when to start this
-) career is kinda semi open. with my finance plan, I actually would wish to be able to stem my daily life in 3 years by myself. before that I have savings. Then I still have enoguth funds left for when I am old for safety and still some safety left so I never have to worry if my car breaks down or something similar…but the big question “how to earn money easily” is on my horizon…and when I say easily I dont mean without effort…but without burnout. from a chill relaxes place where earning money doesnt say anything about my selfworth
-) selfworth and selflove is still quite fragile, comes very near to the dating thing…realizing my worth is very connected to if I have a GF and how much money I make
enough for now
Life is starting to get better…as I am learning to stop worrying so much and also to stop hurriying so much…
Something I have encountered, that is central to atleast my life, and in my therory is central to everybodys life, is how the bonding system of someone operates and what impact it has on ones identity.
In the past I used to find things that I then Idealize and that I completeley lose myself in…be it spirituality, shamanism, yoga, videogames, woman, even friends. This is changing now.
Somethign I am currently learning is to try things out and to make faults. Like I start to understand the process of dating (and I not even mean woman by that)…I am currently creating a new style for me and a new wardrobe…And it feels so good to not buy everything instantly when I like it…but to try it on in the shop…make a picture…and wait 2 days until I make a decision. This feels quite nice.
I feel very hurt today.
A old friend with whom I broke contact contacted me as if nothing happened.
I told him that I dont see a future for a friendship as there was a situation where he didnt accept my NO, got angry and loud (on drugs) and I dont feel safe with him anymore.
What I got back was brutal. A message that was completly dismissing myself. Very brutal disregulated communication. Attacking my sanity and view of reality.
Its very brutal to start to see what this does to me.
Its very dissapointing to see how some people fight. What people do when their ego is undr threat.
Neverytheless it shows that this connection has no future.
I am able now to say in words what growing up with a narcissistic mother did to me: It made me doubt my own sense of reality. I still have issues trusting my own sense of reality. Atleast when I am not in full prefrontal mode. Subs help. But not permanently…and I dont use them enough nowadays…I feel like my biggest reccon issue is to stop using subs out of fear that they will make the reccon even stronger…while in truth I just hit baselevel.
Its very eye opening to start to see what people do when they are disregulated…as a neurodivergent person who takes everything literally (most likely because of this subliminals hit so hard for me) unfair communication is really hurting. I am only starting to learn this filter function…to see beneath the words of what someone is saying…reconstruct their emotional state from their words…which is hard for my mind.
Nevertheless, I am doing good. And I am proud of me
I created two amazing outfits for me. So proud of how I look.
How are you?
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