What are the metrics that I rate myself with? What do I not use for my metrics?
What is running in my mind: I rate myself by the metrics of sucess. What I mean by this is: financial success, material gains and outer image. Basically what western society tought me. And it is all driven by shame. Behave so that shame is not triggered. I put myself down when people around me react emotionally “because of me”. This gives me 
. And I realize that this hole inside of me is wired so it can only get validation from this “program” that was put onto me.
I put myself down when I do stuff just solely for me. Especially when outerly visible gains isnt involved. Internal gains dont have any value for this “validation program” that runs inside of me. Things like: health, personal growth, spiritual growth. I give myself validation when I fight. When I do things where I push myself over my boundaries. Not comfort zone. boundaries. Very unhealthy. And I shame myself when I stay withhin my boundaries.
And what am I actually talking about here? my dopamine system. So my dopamine system is wired to my externaly programed super ego. No wonder I feel no pleasure when I do stuff that is for me. It only gives dopamine when I surpase the expectations of others…how much dopamine do I get with perfectionistic parents? And these perfectionistic inner expectations? And when I do stuff thats for my good…my body releases stress hormones.
Its intense how much I start to understand how deep this childhood trauma goes in rewiring the whole brain and body.
So what does this tell me? Especially regarding ADHD…I dont get any long term dopamine for my personal gains. Only the shortterm hits. As I am allready not playing by the rules of the matrix (i dont want to get into stories that my parents or society put me into this. Calling it the matrix is more healthy for me). And at the same time I am experiencing shame and stress when I do stuff for me. I am realizing more and more when those shame attacks hit. I didnt realize it before. I learned it a week ago. That the first marker of shame is that I think about my parents, what they would think about it or how they would rate it. And I am back in their reality. Or in the Matrix. So I need to reprogram this. Will take some months I guess. I feel like this is Lovebomb running together with inner voice and dopaminergic revival.
And when I get this longterm dopamine online…my ADHD should be better. Aka my frontal lope can work properly.
I am recognizing the loop:
I do something for myself
I think about my parents (go run to mummy and tell her about it)
In childhood she woudlnt give my validation anyhow
I feel disapointed, not good enough aka shame
To break this:
When I think about my parents:
Vaslue that I cathced it
Take a deep breath and calm down.
Put my hands on belly and sternum and tell myself:
you did well
And take time to really feel it.
Do my body check to see if my pelvic floor, penis muscle, belly is relaxed, my breast is opened, and my jaw and face is relaed. And surrender my weigth to my feet or my sitting.
Doing this now shows me though: this triggers something deeper: When I am truly disconnecting myself from the matrix. Will I be able to hold myself on my own? But writing this: I guess this is just the short term limbus after being disconnected. The addiction to this toxic juices…when my body needs to get used to the new food.
Acording to chatgpt…there is wiring of the whole hormonal system connected with the se mental patterns. hormonal juices that fire emotions and moods. And going through this and changing this is like drug detox. No theraphist explained it to me like this. That codependency is a bodily, hormonal issue. And that it needs to be adressed there. Not by talking about it.
One thing I realize that I shame myself for is sexuality and passion. I dont know if this loop is really there…but imagine this scenario:: Masturbate, feel shame, think about mummy, feel more sahme that I thing about my mother after masturbation…and whats even more crazy: use the window for emotionally bonding after ejaculation to bond to mommy again…as I learned last week that post nut clarity hormonal juices are basically the same as an infant feels during breatsfeeding.
Wow…upon reflecting onto this…my dopamine/opiod system seems to be stuck in the oral phase as freud woudl call it…and passion is connected to drinking others juices…maybe this si why I fall so strong in love with kissing,.
Even loughing is something that is coupled with a shame reaction. When i feel good without an emotional connection to my mother, the matrix…chemical reactions of shame are triggered. Realizing this, I feel like I need another MDMA theraphy session to redo these pathways. MDMA is used in PTSD theraphy. And for Developmental aka attachment trauma. The last 2 times I took it was with that group were I met my Ex-Gf…and I bonded to that group and her…which ended problematic.
I dont even want to take it with a theraphist…there I would again bond with someone else…I want to take it alone. To emotionally bond to myself. Now that I know this…I know how to design the trip. Lets see when I can do it. I have done ayahuasca recently and those two are dangerous if done next to each other.
Also I realize that there is a tendency to give all praise away from me…all this gratitude practices…I did them wrong…being grateful for the food…sending gratitude to god, other earth whatsoever. But not to me…not to me for taking time to create a protein powder and nut/seed/grain mix breakfast with like 20 ingredients. Super Heathy, all natural and tasty. Just gratitude sent to the trees etc. After a post like this…gratitude to the subliminal…but no praise given to me for working with it in that matter. And there I realize it: when I feel gratitude or a positive emotion “towards” something.,…I give it away…Why? why do I lose a feeling when I feel it towards something? Something is off there. I am realizing more and more that in most cases doing the “right thing” is actually energetically draining for me…like being grateful for food: i create the emotion…and then…I give it away and leave no imprint in my system. So I used energy to create those chemicals and then they are instanly gone isntead of lingering. Lets see if just seeing this will change something.
Okay, I am tired…wanted to do some more but need some rest…
