A life worth living and dying for - MechaShaman

[MechaShaman]

Wow. Genesis is really working with me…

WHAT DO I WANT? WHAT DO I ACTUALLY WANT?
What do i want as the true me?

I start to see how so many things I believe I want are just coming from my past…wanting to be wanted (having a harem) because I was the outsider in school and never popular with woman…wanting to be a “real shaman” because shamanism has helped me so much to break the patterns of my old life…

But whats beneath that? These wishes are just a continuation of the past. Of living the live of a victim.

I am getting the chance now to go into the direction of becoming a psychedelics facilitator. Learning it with someone…but the undergound way…part of myself fu**ing loves this…but going this direction would always prove a feeling of unsafeness and anxitey.

I start to see how making steps in one direction make me burn bridges in other directions…so ot comes again down to the beginning question…

WHAT THE HELL DO I ACTUALLY WANT?

I have no answer yet. The only idea i had was to envision the attributes of the life i want to have and have this as a metric to make decisions as i go forward…

This live has a limited time…i cant experience everything…what direction do I want to go?

[joker]

Hi. Do you use psychedelics?

[MechaShaman]

Yes, they helped me a ton to work on my trauma. i choose them above regular anti depressants. I cant recommend any experiments though. They only help when coupled with proper theraphy and its an intense path to walk.

I dont want to break any forum rules and get into trouble, so if you want to dive deeper, send me a message.

[MechaShaman]

So…tomorrow my crazy workshop starts: Tantra meets BDSM

Last weeks where deep internal processes. Not much energy and a lot of going withhin. A lot of fatigue…
And today something amazing is happening: Khan is coming back
I am feeling a deep shift in my beeing. It’s all coming back. I went through the khan journey while i was with my girlfriend and when we broke up khan went into subconscious. We planned to get into BDSM together. I feel like the ruler of the world again. Memories are coming back how easy it was for me to be dominant with her…I feel very sexual again. Todays morning i was productive again.

Last days i though about about skipping subs for the retreat, to not have any processing…but there is one sub that is calling me again…Khan Black Stage 3
I listened to it only a very little bit, as the energy was hard to handle. But i feel a revival coming for the retreat.

Its very interesting how the subliminals come and go withhin me…how the archetypes only come out when needed. But it gives me trust, that nothing of my progress is lost.

That retreat is going to be crazy.
The Khan will be pleased

[MechaShaman]

Simply wow.

Khan is unfolding inside me more and more…and with that some basic principles came:
If there is resistance, you got to up the pressure
If fear is one side of the coin, courage is the other. They come together
The Khan laughs in face of fear

Was for lunch with my buddy. I saw a beautiful woman with her friend, and i felt the subliminal pushing me to go to her and talk to her. It was quite a process, i didnt have the courage to do that. But i saw that they are paying and made the plan to talk to her when she passes our table. No serious stuff, just tell her that shes beautiful…my plan didnt get further…small steps…

just so you know this about me: i am very asynchronous developed…give me a glas of ayahuasca that may bring me to a near death experience…eazy peazy…approaching a woman with sexual energy (and not only friendzone energy) and i totally crumble…but i did it i didnt want to get any outcome, i just did it for the process. To be able to do that…and i feel like that this is what i have never understood with dating and approaching.

I allways wanted to learn this to get a girlsfriend/sex, whatever…but the key is to do this (approaching, dating etc.) to become the man that is able to do that. To do it for the process of it, not for the goal. To overcome the resistance

So this was a big step for me and a great preparation for me. It also humbled me a a good way, as there is still a lot for me to learn…

But hey…if we talk honestly: talking to a woman in whatever way is far less dangerous than drinking ayahuasca, so its also important to reframe all this and not make an elephant out of a fly.

For the retreat tomorrow, i offered that i take someone with me to the retreat (its in my homecoutry and i go by car, but most people are internationals), and a beautiful lady will join me. So the journey starts.

This week will be a wonderful process to integrate the khan into my personality…i am still amazed that the subliminal continues to bloom amd unfold, even after not listening to it for a month

[MechaShaman]

6 days of tantra meets BDSM…
It was a crazy time. A lot of healing, a lot of fun and some crazy sexual experiences…tying up a beautiful woman, throwing her around, pushing her to the wall and ravaging her…i would have never thought that i could do such things or would experience something like that…not in my wildest dreams…but it was actually quite easy after learning that the woman came there to experience that handling. It has been a desire hiding deep withhin me, that I didnt dare to admit. I feel the Khan and Khan Black journey blooming. I will have to revisit at dome point…there is space for more 🫣

Had a scene with a bombshell, who is a professional dominatrix…i let her bow in front of me…adress me as her Khan…let her kiss my rings…bound her up with my spreader bar and had my fun with her…a play of pleasure, pain and dominance…the Khan indeed got pleased…she told me that she was suprised that I was such a pro at this i have never done that before

Also a lot of healing has occoured. I learned how much I still have been living inside stories and victim mentality. This retreat has been a live changing experience. Something awakened withhin me that allows me to assert myself onto my reality even more. I am more assured about my path and i go into the future with trust.

As my sexuality now seems to start flourishing, i want to focus my subliminal journey more on my new career and i will go for the Alchemist now…this should help me with my shamanic path (or “new career”) with plant medicines, sexual shamanism, tantra and human design. Lets see what other subs I will add…i hope it doesnt create that much recon for me. I am considering going down with my custom again. Alternative would be Khan Black St. 1
Going for quantum limitless again would also be very nice…i tried to go for Khan/Khan Black/Quantuum limitless…but i dropped quantuum as reccon got to strong…but what i got out of running st1 for 4 microloops and st2 for 2 was wuite amazing.

I listened to Khan Black St. 3 twice for 1 min during the retreat…got quite a lot of headache as recon, but on the following day i allways got a massive release of energy and a big lesson.

[MechaShaman]

Bought alchemist yesterday.
Listened to 3 minutes and to 0:30 of my Custom. Very disciplined today to do yoga, heart coherence and other types of bodywork. Did like 4 hours today.

Gonna be with a shaman in 2 days to have mapacho cleanse and ayahuasca with him.

[MechaShaman]

Met with a girl today. We have met 3 times before. She onvited me to go swimming. We had a swim and later i started touching her and gave her a massage. Without any neediness anymore and without any outcome orientation. Later we went to find a place in the shadows and that was an area thats used for FKK (nudist area). I asked her of she minds if im naked. She didnt and later she also stripped down. Do we are there sitting naked, talking. Everytime we stopped talking, i felt the tension and sexual energy in the air. Diring talking i reached over once and lifted her sunglasses and mine to look her in the eyes. During us talking we were sitting with our bodys touching.

Shes very interested in all that tantra and sexual shamanism i am into. Lets see where this goes to.

I am very proud of the progress i am making. A year ago i couldnt touch women at all. Now it becomes natural.

I am thinking what 3rd subliminal i want in my stack. I want one of the seduction ones. Wanted black would be the endgoal to run…bot sure if i am ready for it. Maybe primal…or give ascencion another go for a cycle.

Alchemist st 1 allready does its work. The tantric goddes lalita tripura sundari comes again into my life. I have forgotten how much i was in the shakta tantra.

I am really looking forward to the next few months of my life. It feels like the breaking point where I break out of my depression. A lot of plans for the next months…doing my own spiritual process which is actually my own curriculum for my new “career”.

Tomorrow Ayahuasca+Mapacho
Next week, my human design course starts, and another tantric temple event. I will start my training with kambo.
Middle of september i am at holotropic breathwork again. Beginning of october is another retreat of sexual shamanism. End of october i will be helping facilitating a mushroom retreat. Middle of november is another retreat of sexual shamanism. Next to all of this i have my human design courses.

The 2 loops of genesis i have run made me realize: i know what i want. I am finally admitting and commiting. Its a bit scary to commit to that…but it was actually clear for so long. I had so much fomo and i guess fear of what other people may think…but fuck all of this. I want to be someone who holds containers for transformational processes…i dont know exactly how it will be…plant medcines, tantra, sexual shamanism, yoga…but i am commiting to what i enjoy and trust that it will bloom in the most spectacular way

[MechaShaman]

Second loop pf alchemist St1. + VoL Custom 1:00 and 0:45

I am diving deeper into the book the 5 personality patterns by Steven Kessler. Its amazing, i learned of it at last weeks retreat. It puts together energetic (under)development with trauma, behavioral patterns and limiting believes.its a beutiful combination of everything. This will be a key for furthering my energetic development massively!
Today during listening to alchemist, i felt the “womb fire”. That what is said in a lot of traditions to be the source of life force for the first time. I had been cut off from it.

Looking really forward to sitting with the shaman today. The last times I have been with him I experienced massive shifts in my life. And this time i will also have some ayahuasca with him…wiol be great, especially after preloading my subconciousness with these subliminals

[MechaShaman]

These ceremonys where intense…in a glorious way!
Priming my mind with subliminals works wonders. The custom has way way more impact than alchemist though it feels. Two microloops under a minute made it that the whole ayahuasca trip was about the themes of my custom. Self love, sexual energy, positivity. It was amazing. Intberween sexual energy shoot through my back and made me see white light. was quite hard not to moan from pleasure. I found a place withhin me where i can tap into to expierence orgasmic pleasure at any moment.

The book that i started to read also had amazing impact…on saturday i simply went with the flow and started reading somewhere in the middle…at one of the patterns that i though i dont have that one at all…all zhe others but not that…guess what…this is the one that hides under all the others…putting a mask on…only showing the world the strong man…hiding all the pain, grief, fear underneath a mask…realizing this was rough but relieving in the most amazing way.

I brought my guitar to the ceremony. I played the 4 same chords over and over again. And out of my mount came the most amazing songs. From the center of my heart…so much came out of me spontaneously…admitting things i am ashamed of…telling wveryone there how i put up that mask. How i have no fucking clue what i do. How i dont know anyhting. How i feel ashamed of beeing the most egoistocal person of all. That my life is only about me. All this was very very redeeming. I could let go of a lot of shame. Simply by admitting. Admitting that I am egoistical and loving it. Admittong that i love myself more than any other person of the world. Admitting that i love ayahuasca more than myself and having lost myself into it.

But then it came…the medicine showed me…i am ayahuasca…i am my zero point…this is what i have fallen so deeply in love with

During the ceremony i started to smile again. Like actually smile… Joker grin…it was astonishing what feelings were connected with that. How i felt ashamed for beeing happy…like what is wrong with me? Why do i feel ashamed of beeing happy?…i guess the point is: fuck shame. Fuck the why. Just be happy!…

My life is to precious to delve on misery. I love myself to much for that. I am the biggest narcissist of all. i am proud of it. I am gonna make myself happy in that life. Whatever it costs. Whatever it takes. Whatevery anybody thinks or says about that. Ill follow my own path and see where it takes me. I wont listen anymore to any advice that i havent asked for. I wont take any foreign energys in and believe that those are mine. I love myself now and forever

@Sub.Zero had a read in your journal some days ago. Thank you for that beautiful honesty about you mask of ice where you hide underneath. Helped me out a lot!

[MechaShaman]

After having my morning rapé (shamanic tobacco snuff), i knew what the 3rd sub for my stack is: Emperor. Gave it a listen for a microloop. I like it.

Gonna stay with microloops now. I have such an sensitive system, microloops is all i need.

[MechaShaman]

Alchemist is deeply impacting me. For sure it is in combination with working with the shaman.

I get way more sensitive regarding energies. I get a lot of drive to do my spiritual practices…yoga etc. less procastination, more doing. I like it!

[JAnon]

Hey Mecha,

Just wanna say your journal is inspirational.

You’re clearly taking massive action and reaping the reward.

It’s been years since I’ve attended a proper Aya ceremony, and I’m badly in need of some work again.

Thanks for indirectly inspiring me through your courageous choices.

[MechaShaman]

Thank you a lot JAnon! Especially for pointing out that i am taking massive action…its hard for me to see it myself…as this has become my standard…my inner critique tells me to do more and more and that i am not doing enough. I guess its time to let go of that!

So something massive changed witthin the last some days…i am starting to see problems that occour in my life as “spiritual tests”. E.g. since having ayahuasca i am having a strange rash on my legs. They were itching like hell and i scratched a lot making it worse…but then i ahd this realization: of i truly wanna be a proper shaman, if i truly want to he a legendary man…would i yield to that itching? Or would i be able to stand above it?
Same today in the morning…i stayed up late because a new pc game sparked my interest (havent played in months…but deadlock looked very tasty) and today i am quite tired. Am i let that fuck up my day? No! Am i letting this get in the way of becoming who i truly want to be?

I guess this is the resilience scripting from alchemist and emperor allrady in action! Its beautiful, i love it

[MechaShaman]

So i got a skin infection…rash all over my body, itching like crazy. Needed to go to the doctor to get medication as i couldnt sleep anymore.

For that I tried paragon for the first time before going to bed and i like it. I sleep super well and for like 10h. The days before i woke up and couldnt seell cause of the itching.

Lets see what it does, maybe this helps me also a bit with my fatigue and low bodily energy issues.

Gonna do that instead of emperor now…i guess, alchmist + custom is my stack and the 3rd one is the flex slot for experimenting…

Its really interesting…with paragon my listening times are like several minutes (i feel it with my intuition hoe long to listen). And with alchemist or my custum its only a sub minute microloop.

[MechaShaman]

Also i want to celebrate a lot of changes that took place in my life:

-) in spril i started with my foir month journey of Khan, lhan black and quantuum limitless…i put away quantum limitless at the laf of stage 2 because recon got to serious…what stay from it though was the following learning: personality development and progress doesnt have to be linear…it can bevome exponential

I had this realization at the end of may…and i have to say now: it indeed became true for my life. My life has changed since june in a way i cannot put into words or could have ever imagined

-) since june i have become so much more emotional stable and connected with my emotions. I dont really have issues anymore. Also i have no issues anymore beeing alone

-) evem though i am struggling now with that skin infection and had to cancel going to an amazing temple event today, i dont let it ruin my day…i am getting an amazing drive to study and develop myself. I guess its the discipline and resilience scripting from alchemist. Sure the amazing ayahuasca experience helped.

[emperor_obewan]

I’ve often used Paragon (in the old Ultima form mainly) in my stack. I know Saint and co once said Ultima + ZP = crazy making and they didn’t recommend it, but if I don’t overdo it I haven’t found combining them to be a problem. And Paragon definitely assists with the sleep.

From what I can see you started Alchemist 9d ago, using Pathfinder/St1. Have you used Alchemist before this cycle? I noticed you mentioned with your custom the fast come on and then the effect leaving after a certain number of hours. Have you noticed that with Alchemist or just with the custom? I’ve noticed the fast come on effect sometimes and then other times the delayed beginning of effects into the next day or longer. I think it has to do with intended times of taking action, but can’t be sure yet.

[MechaShaman]

Hey!
With alchemists i havent noticed the subliminal leaving me that fast. But i dont experience the effect of alchemist that strongly as i experience it with my custom. Its the first time i am running alchemist.

It feels like alchemist is way more subtle, just altering how i go about my day. Leading me to new material to read, more motivation etc. My custom with love bomb and khan black is way more intense, it completly changes my inner world…even when i lay down just to relax, my subconcious immediately starts the microcosmic orbit meditation without me conciously acting. I guess my very active mind is really really receptive to subliminals and executes them very fast…and by that using a lot of energy. I think that the subliminals beeing online simply needs a lot of energy and i am lacking that right now. Even though in the last days i am getting way more energy.

To be totally honest ot seems that the issue with subliminals not lasting that long is coming from an underlying issue of depression/fatigue syndrome…which i am starting to see may be an underlying biological issue…as the medication i got for my skin infection (antihistamines) is also is supposed to help with long covid (my serious problems started after covid infection two years ago) with some sort of mast cell issue. Lets hope that paragon can help with this and rule out that issue or heal it. I guess i should have listened to paragon for my issues since a long time…but i admit that i took on this set of believes that all sicknesses are spiritual in nature, coming from to dense emotions that need to be felt…as the believe that something is biological would have put me in a position of surrender and not having any power over it…especially as western medicine is clueless and says all of those things are unhealable…but what i experienced with subs, paragon will be able to help of there is any biological problem.

So lets hope that paragon helps me with fatigue, I get more energy and Subs can stay online all the time.

Sometimes i also experienced subliminals work like a “coat” that my personality puts over…like khan especially. It comes and goes. I started to delve into archetypes recently…and started to see more and more that my personality is quite multifaceted and sometimes i am this and sometimes i am that. And sometimes i am more of that arechtype and sometimes less…maybe this is a residue or “gift” from my childhood trauma…or subs simply work that they create e.g. my own ideal view of the khan archetype in my mind and its a matter of letting go how much it can shine through…and by taking action and having experiences channeling the khan, my core personality gets altered…

[MechaShaman]

I just had a realization…
The major unhappiness in my life is coming from comparing my life to that with others and with the past. I eant to stop doing this.
I am actually very very happy eith how my life is actually going right now. Using my time to study and doing my inne processes. I dont need much emergy for this and i have enough of it.

As some spiritual traditions say “the ego compares”

In human design we would say its all aboit the homogenization…and when beeing different from the masses we feel alienated…but actually this is what differentiation (aka become a unique human being) is about

[MechaShaman]

So…on instagram i saw an ad for a free 21 day transformative journey by alberto villodo, a modern shaman. With the goals of alligning with purpose, learning more about my internal world and letting go of energetic blockages and limiting beliefs…fits quite perfectly with my alchemist journey

First day gave allready a nice ritual.

Other than that i am doing very very well in my life currently. Studying human design and the book the five personality patterns multiple hours a day. Little lazy regarding cooking and ordering food everyday. Thats okay

Looking forward to the rest of the week, everyday i gonna bring something beautiful, tomorrow with my amazong therapist and meeting a friend later, wednessday i have an amazing coaching session and thursday and friday my human design course goes on

Someone wrote that only some loops of alchemist lifted their depression…for me its the same. Awesome sub