A human bean's journal

Journals - Major Programs
#332

KB3 and Alchemist 1 today.

No observations regardings Alchemist 1. Intent of restarting Alchemist is to get to Alchemist 2, whose emotional transmutation I’ve experienced and could use again.

May be ASBR’s influence, thinking the best way to get rid of my grouchy condemn-everything mood is to learn or tinker with something new again. Talking to my effective team lead about his approach to something I’m really bad at, gave some inspiration as well.

Taking leave next week for personal time. See if this newfound motivation persists.

#333

Today, while I’m not involved, I became privy to human malice at another.

Every day seems to build more disgust and disappointment.

#334

KB3 full loop, feeling its effects the whole day.

#335
KB3 TMI

Quite a lot if I dare say so.
Also back to full mast after a very short period.

#336

Today is metaphorically trying to accelerate while people have their foot on the brake :confused:

#337

A lot of weird dreams recently :expressionless: Guess dreaming is unfortunately not a helpful medium for introspection for me, unless maybe my subconscious is going nuts.

No observation for non-KB subs so far this week.

#338

Had to be involved with insurance agent and new air-conditioning service, so back-to-back rounds of “Your previous ones didn’t do a good job, they’re so bad, we’re so good, we’re so much better, our products are the best” etc. I don’t know if it’s my social ineptitude that I felt increasingly repulsed, doubly so when they started going how old I was, what do I work as, how was my life etc. My father entered those conversations very well, a trait I neither inherited nor learned.

#339

Witnessed, in a small matter, someone being malicious, then yet another independently inflicting the same on him later. :eyes:

#340

Refractory period has shortened.

#341

Unfortunately had bad dreams again, unlike the first Alchemist 1 run.

#342

Some storage cleaning, found my decade-old rattan stick from back when a CMA teacher went for Kali training and spread it to us. Had fun swinging it around.

#343

Back-to-work morning.

Got back some drive in the second half of last week. See if it survives office. My executions are still inefficient, so that’s something to work on.

Will probably washout this week (3rd) as per original MWF, to move to Alchemist 2.

#344

Already feeling somewhat similar to the first Alchemist 2 cycle. Helped that older colleague again gave me a souvenir from his trip, one of my favourite snacks.

#345

(Over?)worrying about some things, but somewhat calm and preparatory.

Drum lesson went very well.

#346

Contemplating the various anxieties I still have, in spite of better mood the past two days.

I have a lot of energy trapped in contemplating how things can go wrong. For all the “little good things”, there’s been major to minor bad ones that have happened over the past few years months. It’s not about dotting i’s and crossing t’s, but like Murphy’s law for things that I can do nothing or have already done what I can. In very minor things, I noticed that I have to, consciously put in my “will” so to speak, or else something will try to go south. Now, more mental capacity is spent planning for if things do go south, down to paranoid extreme cases.

It’s a huge mental burden consuming energy that could be spent on development, but I feel like I can’t let up and trust in anything or anyone outside myself.

#347

Case in point, power outage :neutral_face:

#348

Most recent KB3 listen has the heat mostly in my torso, so considering to move on to KB4 for the KB1 aspect.

#349

Yesterday was a good day.

Some anxiety today, but not so much as at the start of the weekend.

#350

Sticking to KB3 for one more cycle.

Alchemist 1 → 2

#351

Mild but rapid result from Alchemist 2. Baseline mood was better today after listen.

Mind is wild with paranoia even if I don’t emotionally feel it though, like buying vegetables and wondering about toxins and stuff. I guess after the anxieties of the weekend my paranoia is searching for new outlets. Silver lining though, not as bothered by office vermin, I guess because there’re things out there to be worried about.