Short loop of KB3 and a lot of perineum heat until noon. Also raining hard the whole day and I’m not cold, so good.
Client meeting this morning, smiling at the people who messed with my tool:
In spite of the “grey zone” now, back in Jan when the bosses were telling me it was a foregone conclusion, the only thing I could do was rip my attachment to my own work. Now the detachment is prominent, as every idea the higher ups or clients throw out, I’m just thinking “I ain’t doing it”. Emotionally it’s not my “baby” anymore, so I haven’t fixed the typer, the excess dependencies etc.
I have my own thing, which is what the bosses and clients want out of me - but I’ve kept mum about it to them.
(Side note, I think I better understand damaged trust at a geopolitical level.)
A deeper thought earlier this month was that my field doesn’t actually excite me that much. In spite of craving recognition, in the long term I don’t care about being remembered as some hotshot in this field. Looking back from now, I feel more accomplished raising issues in a ROMhack engine, scanlating, making my friend’s wedding cake, than last November’s stuff, whose only worth to me now is “is it going to reflect in my July bonus”.
It doesn’t help that, looking at the lower rung of coworkers, I’m entertaining the notion that I can 摆烂 and get away with it.
But at the same time this refusal to work or learn goes against another part of me ingrained to do something.
Check on being shiny-syndromed by Emperor: Executive - productivity is pointless if I don’t have a goal?
Hm.
Reminder to self: What works for me, works for me. What doesn’t, doesn’t. I’ve always been aberrant, no reason to be limited by cults.
Reminder to self: First aid cert has expired.
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KB3 full loop on the morning bus, almost right after there’s very prominent heat down my right leg, especially at the sole.
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Woke up with a feeling in my chest like something spinning inside, followed by a lot of anger.
A lot of little good things come the afternoon though.
Exhausting end to the week.
Something discovered with KB3: I have minor difficulty breathing deep after today’s run.
Felt a surge of energy in my torso after the listen (5min) - but the area where I used to have discomfort in 2023, seems to be blocked. The feeling is not like the discomfort back then, but for the lack of a better phrasing, there seems to be an obstacle I can’t feel there that impedes the energy flow. It also resists my usual breathing, like my diaphragm is being restrained from moving as far as usual.
May have to do with recent SMX-related activity 
The feeling is gone, breathing back to normal.
About time to move to KB4.
Some work-related stuff next week, so feeling the urge to get Emperor Executive and give it a run next week. Although it’s kind of 临时抱佛脚 I’ll think about it during the washout (procrastination, hah).
Or, resume EmpB, since I’ve taken a cycle’s break.
Since that energy block seems gone, I’ll continue KB3 for a second cycle, as I don’t “peter out” on KB. May reduce the amount of processing next week.
Thinking about why I respond well to Khan Black regarding energy. Main thought is because I had old experience with qigong lessons and related practices. Another thought is, to me cultivating energy is health-related, and maybe there is no resistance in my subconscious when it comes to health. Would explain why I respond well to Paragon as well.
As for others, managed to identify ingrained thoughts and experiences forming resistance, but how to overcome them beyond bashing-against-the-wall 
Last night found my old journal from 2018 logging everything I’d done every day - what exercises I did, books I read, food I baked, things I practiced etc. Quieter, easier times.
Revisiting the positives this month:
Foosball performance has been good until the last two days, coinciding with my mood being affected by unrelated things.
A lot of minor little good things, though they seem to come in bursts, like one week, then off the next week, then on again.
Finally got through Dell’s deflect support team for hardware replacement.
Treated to a meal by senior colleagues. A bunch of free stuff from others too.
Martial arts class is increasingly fun with little "oh I see"s every week.
Private stuff.
Self-reminder: What works for me, works for me.
Decent day.
Feeling some ASBR-like narcissism self-esteem at night.
Rest day, ended up sleeping throughout most of it, since it’s Hari Raya tomorrow.
KB3 5min today, surge of warmth but also similar impediment as last Monday, although more brief. Heat flashes at night.
Also resuming ASBR with 3m30 run. Intend to add Alchemist 1 on Friday, so back to a 3-stack.
Family mahjong, won a bit.
Woke up to an email that I’ve been added to a contributors list in a repo I foubd issues and made some small PRs to a few years ago.
Timed work this week turned out to be something quite absurd, teammates went “wth” 
Morning brought up a lot of hurt and anger from previous and current ostracism and malice. Persisted in spite of the small good things that happened afterwards.
Some high-up in our company was showcasing a company LLM as superior and much better than ChatGPT… because it can handle local slang.
Like, I can appreciate it and the niche it carves, but to sell it like that… I’ll believe it when it can Ghiblify people.
Not the worst embellishment considering the number of computing papers I have to go through, but along with the craziness of other today news, it reinforces the thought that sophistry and poetry-waxing is the way society works.
But I guess that’s why I’m doing technical work instead of marketing. Maybe it’s why I’m socially inept too.