I guess i just monitor my process by looking at my baseline state and how i feel in general in a broad sense.
As for taking a break, i would if it wasnt for the fact that the timing for it seems to be just to perfect. Right now my life is somewhat standing still. Quarantine although not as severe as before, is heavily limiting what i can do, and im currently taking a gap year (that i was planning to spend on travelling… XD) meaning i have so much free time and its really just the perfect time to fully focus on myself and healing. By september, probably earlier, everything should be opened up and itll be a lot harder to find time to go through such a tough journey in the midst of college life.
I realize many people would said that lockdown is a great time to do healing, and I sympathize with that reasoning. I also know that rest days, or rest weeks, can be valuable.
DR is tough. I’m getting more and more to the point where I feel like I’m becoming more oriented after months of emotional/physical discomfort that was coupled with a sense of confusion.
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No kidding about the confusion part lol. Half the time i barely no whats happening with DR its such a weird experience. That said, after a goodnights rest im definitely able to see more clearly. Yesterday i was in a heavy state of frustration and just feeling like a victim wich totally blinded me to what was actually happening. Ive decided to follow your advice and take a few extra rest days again to really let all that frustration and bictim behaviour go. That stuff isnt beneficial for anyone.
On the positive side, i have started to realise more what is truly happening. I think what im feeling now has to do with the “youll be building a vision, ambition and… something else i forgot about.” As i mentioned previously, ive very recently let go of things that i at this point deemed pointless but have yet to really replace those things with a new “vision”. This i assume is where the heavy recon comes in, as the sub has to heavily push me out to find that new vision while im out here not taking any action really to even allow myself to come on ideas. And this is alongside all the other things that this sub has to do simultaniously like integrating all the healing (wich there was so much of) finding whats still yet to be healed etc etc. I think that this combination of everything just caused a huge strain on my subconscious wich somewhat explains the heavy recon.
This all said, there has been one gigantic positive thing that ive only now realised how consistent this has been happening. So sonce starting ST3, every morning i wake up decently early and just start reflecting for hours on end while in my bed. Every. Single. Time this has led me to end up with a big realisation. For instance, yesterday my big realisation was simply me being able to tell myself that “this bad thing that happened in the past, its no longer happening, if i saw any of the other people that were in that situation right now theyd be 10 years older and probably wouldnt even remember me, its time to led it go, no use in holding onto this memory”. And than i just led it go easy as that. This may seem pretty small but things like this have quite consistently been happening every morning and i highly expect that to add up over time and that ill come out of the recon an even more changed man.
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That was actually the original plan, but after a month my intuition was already telling me to move on. So icompromised on one and a half month a stage and some extra time on the final stage since that one includes all the previous stages as well.
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I’m currently reading your journal. Interesting. Thanks for the write up.
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Me too mate! DR is doing it’s thing.
And you’re doing your thing too! Congratulate yourself man!
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Today started out as normal with me feeling some irritability, but than i just decided for myself “no theres no point in me feeling like that” and just… decided… to feel good. And it worked!
Crazy how easy some solutions can be lmfao
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Wow! Great man!
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Ughhhh. I might delete this later or whatever but i just feel the need to burst rn.
Every fucking time it feels like this stage is becoming easier. It starts to feel like the hardest part is done. But than the next day everything just comes back even stronger, even despite not even have listened to those days. Its like DR is mocking me at this point, giving me false hope.
Its starting so much to feel like were all just out here fooling ourselves. What are we truly doing this for?? Whats the point of going through all of this? If you asked me this i would say something vague like to come out stronger, or so i dont have to deal with these things later on, make the rest of my life easier or whatever. Great so i gotta make a sacrifice now for the future. Just like ive had to do all my life, being forced to school, putting myself through various trials and stresses and whatever just to give the slightest of edges for my future, at what point ill have to make a shitton of sacrifices to make everything a bit easier for my childrens future and whatever. When does it ever enddd… when do i finally get to enjoy what ive made so many sacrifices for rather than keep doing stuff just so in the future, i can enjoy it.
And this all said, how do we even know this actually makes us stronger? Its fairly well known at this point that subs effects tend to fall away if you havent spend a ridiculous amount of time on it to completely make everything a habit, and even than a lot still falls away. So why would we assume that all this healing doesnt just get reverted ones we stop listening for a while?? Even @RVconsultant , reading your experiences has been hella motivating, but through all ive read of all the trials you had to take on, ive yet to see you mention any of the true benefits you got out of it. Are there even real benefits? Is all of this really worth it? Ughhhhh its frustrating the fuck out of me. What am i even doing it for. Im so fucking sick of being constantly distracted by this inner war thats going on on this stage. Im so sick of thsi damn quarantine. Im so sick of walking around aimlessly in the void of life with no real purpose. Im so fucking sick not knowing what to do. Im so fucking sick of being forced to do what others tell me. Im so fucking sick of everything rn. And im sick of me being so damn frustrated…
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
That is all
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Ill be taking a bunch more rest days
Welcome to the spiral of healing DR does.
This is a good point. I should post about it.
Now TBH I could list what I got to benefit me, but what benefits are YOU wanting?
Keep your eye on my thread, and I will post about how I’ve benefited.
I think so.
I think so.
I sympathize.
Might be a wise idea.
PS Thank you for posting today.
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Here youre asking me something… i guess my main goals is just that afterwards everything will feel easier due to the lack of ressistance, my baseline state to be even happyer for the rest of my life, to have more control over my emotions, more knowledge of myself and accepting everything about my self (aka integrating the shadow) and finally im hoping it will somehow help me gain some sort of vision. Something to really strife for, something that really makes me feel like im really doing something with my life.
I do wanna express my gratitude btw to you RV, and everyone else that commented, or even just lurked in this journal (including you meera, i know youre lurking out there 
). But genuienly, every helpfull comment and heart really means a lot to me. It makes it feel less like im alone here and makes it feel more like its a group thing if that makes sense. It makes me feel like others do understand what im going through. This makes it far easier to get through since ofcourse irl i cant really talk to people about it. Im really thankfull for all of yall.
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You are welcome, and I understand. The some of the things you listed above are things I experienced some help with during DR. However all of them should be within the realm of DR’s work.
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Everything seems to be getting easier again. Ive been heavily reminded why im doing this and how important and great DR is (thx again RV and the rest of yall). Ive even heard from other people that they feel ive changed a lot (for the better)! Im somewhat confident that that intense frustration i felt previously is gone. ST3 has shown to me that it keeps finding different ways to be a pain, but i dont think the recon will come in the form as frustration again, the frustration really seems to be cleared. This said, there is pne thing that is making it a bit harder than it has to be, and that is the fact that on ST3 i often dont even really know whats happening. For this reason i wanna start using dreams ultima, so i can at least somewhat understand whats going on through my dreams.
All in all, im excited to move on and see what the next trials DR will throw at me. I read in someone elses journal that he feels like ST3 works by throwing unfiltered intense emotions at you and making you face them, and so far my experience seems to be the same. So far the emotions that ive had to face were first unconfortableness (wich i identified as just ‘feeling awfull’) and now frustration. All of this was accompanied by a general sense of hopelessness, sadness and a shitton of feeling like a victim. This seems to be some sort of a defense mechanism or habit for me to avoid dealing with the issue at hand and is definitely something im gonna try to clear.
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I’ve felt that way for months man. Hang in there.
I seem to be used to ST3 at this point. Ive found that rn i can take 2 loops a day from DR without to much trouble. Theres still a bit of recon in the form of somewhat grumpyness and some regrets of the past coming up from time to time, things like that, but overall it doesnt feel that bad anymore. I have yet to feel much of the “knowing everything about yourself” and the “truly profound realisations” on this stage though so this stage is far from done.
As for dreams, ive had a few weird dreams but ones i wake up i just dont really understand whay the dream was about, i just remember a few flashes, so right now it hasnt been to much of help. I expect this to change soon though, the flashes that are there have been so extremely weird and nonsensical that this has to be somewhat influenced by dreams ultima, thats the only explanation why theyre so strange all of a sudden.
All in all the recon has for a large part settled down, im feeling a lot better and i have a gut feeling that my productivity will come back in the next couple of days too. This stage has been a ride and a half, but im confident that now the hard part is over, im getting so close to finishing my healing journey (for now) i can almost taste it!
This kinda came out of nowhere, i suddenly just started thinking about quitting porn. Ive for a very long time been a daily user of porn but i never really saw to kuch issue with it. Today it just came to me that i was wasting a whole lot of time with porn and all i was achieving with it that i felt worse afterwards and lost a shitton of energy. Because of this i today decided to read the easypeasy method and decided to officially stop Porn and masturbation. I feel really relieved to have escaped this lil parasite that i didnt even know i had.