So for a while when I see or hear of couples, marriages, etc. I feel a pit of envy and loneliness in my stomach.
Today this pit becomes determination, and the thought, I can have this too.
King Theoden - Me
Wormtongue & Saruman - My BS
Gandalf - KHAAAAN
Cycle 3, Week 1, Day 4
Rest day (Day 3 had KB1 10min, K1 10 min)
It is a fierce battle, a battle of exterminating all the weakness, fear, jealousy, envy, laziness, wickedness, victimhood and anything else that is holding you back, that torments you, that limits, usurps and controls the true power hidden within you, the power that is yours by right.
I’ve quit vaping…
Something I’ve flirted with for months, but Khan has helped me find the drive to just push through the withdrawals.
Did have a struggle with porn a few nights ago, like a final farewell.
Just gotta remind myself daily that I am not an addict, I’m not a wanker, and I’m not a smoker!
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Cycle 3, Week 1, Day 5
KB1 10 min, LBFH 5 min, K1 5 min
Might be better served cutting out the LBFH and just keeping it focussed on the Khans.
Skipped gym and work today, I have hip pain and bad nicotine withdrawals so giving myself permission to take it easy this week and recover. Did some pushups and abs at home instead.
The subs are definitely doing -something-.
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Cycle 3, Week 1, Day 6
Rest day
The first stage of The Crucible is an intense and transformative healing process. This stage delves deep into your psyche, targeting and repairing any traumas, insecurities, or limiting beliefs surrounding your sexual energy and sexuality.
In the ‘bringing stuff up’ part of this, sexual samskaras being observed.
I’ll write more on it later, for now the focus is forgiveness .
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This excellent post triggered me a little bit and caused me to reflect.
I can eliminate unhealthy sexual habits, but I still have fears to overcome, skills to build, etc.
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Ive been there my friend. Addicted to porn for like 15 years, most of the relationship of 11 years I have with my wife I still shot it to porn.
Trust me, the other side IS much better.
But I couldnt do it without the subs. They were a BIG component in getting there.
And it wasnt about getting her to do crazy shit. It was about overcoming myself.
You can do it!
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Cycle 3, Week 2, Day 1
Khan Black 1 - 10 min, New Khan 1 - 10 min
Nearing the end of January, so just doing a quick review of the month to help align myself for February.
Healing - Feel I’m settling into a nice rhythm with meditation and with the subs. There’s definitely a lot processing but it feels pretty manageable right now.
Sex - I’ve developed some positive new habits which seem to have manifested their way into my life since beginning Khan Black in December - namely the Angion method and Mindgasm. Had some kickback from the old PMO habits, but I am glad now to have many useful tools I can replace it with. I’m now actively improving my sexual health at a very practical level.
The emotional shame/fear around sex needs some further healing, one action I can take in February is to contact the tantric healer and arrange another session, whilst continuing with my other healing and growth work.
Online business - OK, this one is a really slow burner. It’s making me $2/month, not even enough to cover hosting. I have been lazy, demotivated and full of writer’s block. I experience anxiety that my website will never get out of the sandbox, that it’s a terrible site, etc, and I isolate myself from the support and mentorship available to me. One action I can take is to message my mentor now and have an honest conversation with them.
Strong/athletic/healthy body - One big win is that I quit vaping this week! I’ve been going to the gym, but have been doing upper-body only because I injured my back at the beginning of the month and it still hurts, especially going into my left sacroiliac joint and even down into the left leg. There’s no way I’m squatting or deadlifting right now. Ideally I would contact a sports physio directly, but money is short, so I will bring this up with my Doctor.
Positive/masculine characteristics - I mean, yes, to a degree, The subs are helping me with feeling more connected with my masculinity. It took a degree of inner strength to push past some shame and social anxiety and go to an event last weekend where I spoke bravely and with sincerity, and got some attention from ladies lol.
Enjoy dating/sex/romance - I complimented a stranger, and had conversations with women. I’d put this more under emerging from my hermit cave to socialise than dating though. But it’s a small beginning.
Transformation/becoming best self - I’m becoming aware of the habits that propel me forwards, and those that pull me back. It’s about arranging the weights on the scale to tip in my favour. I do feel like the subs are pulling their weight here in terms of self-concept.
So, actions for February aside from the routines.
- Arrange a tantric massage
- Arrange a chat with my online business mentor
- Get my hip checked out
- If I see the woman who really caught my eye again, ask her out
Still in the early days, nothing nuclear yet.
February routines
Sadhana twice-daily - 6 minutes Bioenergetics, 5 minutes Pranayama, 10 minutes Deep Meditation
Subs Mon/Wed/Fri - Khan Black 1 - 10 minutes. Khan 1 - 10 minutes.
Gym Mon/Fri Escalating Density Training - Squat 65kg, Deadlift 70kg, Front Squat 60kg, Dip BW, Chin BW, OH 32.5kg, Neck curl 15kg. Core Alpha Phase 1 / Step 3
Angion Tue/Thu/Sat - 5 min Ultrasonic therapy, IC kegels, 5 min root focus/reverse kegels, Angion Pump 15 minutes, Mindgasm session, 5 min root focus/reverse kegels, 5 min stretchout (30 min stretchout on Saturday)
Mindgasm - 30-day challenge beginning today, Mon 29th Jan. Fit each day’s session in around the schedule. No porn / masturbation for this month.
Work - 3-4 hours a day. Work 10 mins on/10 mins off is focus is whack. Try to get 20 articles done this month.
Art - Do in your free time in evenings if not socialising. Model the pillar and wall pieces.
Angion/Mindgasm/Penis Stuff
Took measurements effective for the end of January.
Think I am learning how to measure correctly, as quite different from last month.
BPEL - 18.4cm / 7.24" (Actually pressing into the pubic bone with some force, now including the .5cm before the ‘0’ on the ruler for a true measurement)
Girth at base, - 16.8cm / 6.61" (Less than before, took care to remove any scrotal skin).
Honestly, I’m fairly happy with my size. I mainly want to focus my efforts on improving my EQ, hardness, staying power, angle, and pelvic health etc. Get into peak sexual health. If I gain 1-2cm then it’s a bonus, but anything more than that might be undesirable lol.
Moving into February, I’ll be increasing my Angion pumping sessions from 10 minutes to 15, as I’m getting used to the exercise.
I also today start a 30-day Mindgasm challenge - so no masturbation at all this month, just doing the Angion and Mindgasm sessions.
I’ve already noticed a much more relaxed, warmer penis, a fuller hang, seems more plump and healthy and alive. I’m also gaining a small measure of strength, control and awareness around my pelvic floor. I notice throughout the day when the PF gets tense, and consciously breathe into and relax the area.
Had a fleshlight session last night and noticed that as I breathed into and relaxed the pelvic floor, the urge to ejaculate reduced, and was able to go longer and languish/enjoy the session more. I’ll re-measure and re-test in a month or so at the end of Feb.
Speaking of Mindgasm, just had my first session of the 30-day challenge. I notice that the bottom and center muscles are very much linked, it is nigh-on impossible to contract one without contracting the other. That said, I feel like I can shift the emphasis of the contraction towards the desired muscle. Base is definitely much stronger than the center. Center muscle needs relaxation, and gentle contraction, to begin to come alive.
Noticed at the end as flexing the entire source area that it felt pleasurable… the analogy was like squeezing a hand… squeezing the entire PF around the prostate etc. And my hips started to shake spontaneously.
Peace
Cycle 3, Week 2, Day 2
Nouveau Rich - 3 min
As I explained here, I feel in need of some extra assistance with my finances/hustles.
I purchased and tried 3 mins of NRICH today, and am pretty impressed so far.
Felt a push to contact my mentor and just ask him for help. He actually got back to me really quickly, within a couple of minutes, took a look through my site and has assured me that what I’m doing is good enough, I just need more content and backlinks, and he’s getting me in touch with a contact for link building. Quick and easy, and my faith is restored in the future of my website.
My friend/mentor with the 3d modelling messaged me out of the blue, called me, and he started going over numbers on the Unreal marketplace, about how much he was earning, and encouraged me to get something up on there.
I went to work on my website this afternoon when my housemate fell to his knees screaming with a sudden onset back pain. I rushed to his aid and supported him as he fainted from the pain, I had to call an ambulance for him and help him until the paramedics turned up. I was calm, assertive, and it reminded me of my days working in healthcare. My housemates commented that I have a great, helpful, confident, caring demeanour and that my help during the emergency earlier was invaluable. Makes me think of how healthcare is providing real value to people, and how much sense of self-respect and ‘status’ I felt whilst working in that field.
I need to stop beating myself up about my site. I think I just need to focus on making sure the info is helpful to people, even if it’s not perfect quality.
This evening I actually loaded up and did artwork for 3 hours, and really enjoyed it. I could have gone on for longer easily but I must respect my sleep schedule.
So all-in-all, had a thought-provoking, encouraging, and inspiring day in relation to my career and finances. I’ll probably work NRICH into my listening schedule once-a-week in place of LBFH.
Angion/Mindgasm stuff
Day 2 of the Mindgasm 30-day challenge today. This was more of a functional workout than anything particularly pleasurable. Faking it until I make it with seperating out the pelvic muscles. When contracting the center just beind the testes, I could feel the muscle faintly but more distinctly from the rest of the PF.
Did 12 minutes of pumping, move to 15 minutes on Thursday.
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Had some thoughts looping in my mind earlier when I was working, “I am succesful” and “I deserve good things”.
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When I went out to see friends on Monday, I noticed my mannerisms were more confident and dominant.
I was able to make slightly edgy jokes to them - you know, the ones that would offend them if they took seriously, but due to being friends, made them and everyone laugh. Banter.
I was also able to give one of them a genuine complement about their quick wit and sense of humour. It’s a quality I always noticed and admired in them, but I felt able to be authentic and let them know I like that quality.
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Cycle 3, Week 2, Day 4
Rest day (Day 3 was KB1 - 10 min, K1 - 10 min)
Just noting that I feel anger and irritability, with some headache.
Nicotine withdrawal, psychic debris, and some recon.
TB is digging into some painful places.
NRICH is really welcome right now. Even amongst the BS, my focus and motivation with my work and my art has been good. Productivity is up.
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Cycle 3, Week 2, Day 6
Rest day (Day 5 was KB1 10min, K1 7 min, NRICH 3 min)
Cheated this evening - K1 3 min, WB 3 min
Probably overexposed.
Went to another ecstatic dance tonight.
Introduced myself confidently to the group.
Danced in an authentic way.
Approached and danced with the girl I saw last time.
After the sharing at the end, I approached that same girl and we had a brief hug.
We started briefly and we both felt kinda awkward, I had nothing to say lmao, excused myself.
Went to toilet and repeated to myself ‘Fuck fear’.
Went back to the main room, sat myself next to her in the circle, and said to her infront of everyone
“Hey I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but I’d like to ask you an indiscreet question… are you single?”
She has a partner, but was flattered.
Through the evening I had some fun dances with girls, and had some nice comments afterwards about bringing their energy out thorugh my own enthusiasm.
etc.
Well, I’m proud of myself for taking action.
And a bit lonely.
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My voice has become deeper and raspier the past few days. Like my voice is coming from lower in the chest/diaphragm. I like it.
Had some really positive interactions last night with women, eye-contact, smiling, compliments, etc.
Spoke with more confidence.
Actual social skills/having things to say is a bit hit-or-miss lol.
Still wonder if I’m ‘doing enough’ in this subliminal journey.
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Had a productive week all-around though, I’m approaching my work and art with renewed vigor. Had a good blend of spiritual practice, exercise, work, art, social time, and pushed myself a bit beyond my normal limitations.
Feeling that ole’ tender heartbreak feeling right now, thinking of past lovers.
My lady housemate made a comment that even though I may not feel different inwardly, it is easy for her to see how much I am changing. More grounded, solid, lighter, warmer. The way I talk, what I walk about, all changing.
So that was cool feedback
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Cycle 3, Week 3, Day 1
Khan Black 1 - 15 min, Khan 1 - 15 min
I woke early and set the subs playing. It may have been so early so that I just queued them up and forgot about the timer, so ended up playing full loop of each.
Fell back asleep and had some intense dreams. I struggle to remember in detail, but some key points:
My dad told me I was doing something in my life wrong, and told me how to go about it. I told him words to the effect of “Or you can stop telling me what to do, and I’ll do it in a way that’s right for me, how about that?” To which he smiled sheepishly and in defference to my will.
An ex of mine from years ago was trying to seduce me, I was not interested, I felt anger towards her. I didn’t want her.
Back to the waking day, I’m bringing in some more intense belly breathing into my Sadhana. I feel so much stuck crap in my belly area that I need to help loosen up physically.
Honestly, this emotional constipation in my belly is driving most of my dissatisfaction in life, so time to get to grips with it.
Gym went good.
Motivation to earn money is up, so going to go work now.
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Flashbacks to the times I stood up to the test and went deep.
Was always rewarded for courage.
@Leandros think you’ll like the icaro bro.
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Absolutely
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Cycle 3, Week 3, Day 3
Khan Black 1 - 15 min, Khan 1 - 15 min, NRICH - 15min
Played the subs when I woke super early, fell asleep, so listened to full loops again. Oops.
NGL I’ve let myself down for a few days.
Smoked a couple cigs at a friend’s house. Relapsed with PMO once. Ruminating on breakups.
Low vibe post, I know, but this is a part of the journey.
I have a 5 day washout now before starting the 4th cycle on KB/K. Hopefully I can do the subs justice in my actions next cycle.
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