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I ordered myself a new leather jacket with some of my Christmas money. It’s a bit of an edgier style, something I’d have worn in my late teens and twenties.
It came today, much earlier than expected. When I tried it on two things happened. First, the wife said “You look HHHOOOOT!” and had a look on her face that I haven’t seen in quite a while. I could practically see her drooling.
Second, when I looked in the mirror I thought “I look like ME again”.
I think that’s part of my goal for this year. Bring back parts of ME that have been lost because of mental shit that’s gotten in my way over the years. I want to actually become the guy who I felt myself becoming when I was nineteen or so, before that got derailed.
I always did project a bit of a bad boy/badass image even if I couldn’t express it fully due to confidence issues. Now that DR has done its work, I can fully be the man I want to be. An upgraded, more mature version of who I tried to be when I was young.
This is shaping up to be a very interesting year. -
So this week and next I’m working seven twelve hour shifts. It’s rough, but the paychecks are going to be bloody massive. RICH fucking rocks.
- The recon I noticed the other day must be coming from DM because I’m not getting any from RICH and Chosen. No real surprise, that’s a big dense sucker and the social stuff is going to push me to make some big changes from my baseline. At least not that feels at all bad, or that I really recognize as recon.
I am getting some pretty strange thoughts though. They all center on kind of reconnecting with the me from twenty or so years ago. Not so much the guy I actually was he had some emotional issues, but the guy I was trying to be. The image that I projected as best as I could to the world and myself. I liked that guy. I still do. He’s fun, adventurous, and badass. The challenge is going to be figuring out how to be him as a fully functional adult.
I thought of a name I used back in the day for the first time in I don’t know how many years last week. It was a cheesy persona name that I used in activities that involved fighting with fake swords and the like, but I really identified with it for quite a few years. I’m not going to use it because if anyone who knew me back in the day happens to be here, I’d be telling them exactly who I am.
The phrase that goes through my mind is (that name) lives, and (that name) forever, which may become the name of a custom subliminal at some point.
Tonight I ordered some clothing that I’d have worn in that period. This is an interesting development.
Once again this might be at least partly after effects from DR. As in I’ve cleaned out all of the crap that was preventing me from being that guy and now I can get back on track and do it right.
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I feel a lot more positive today than I did on my last processing day from DM.
Since I go into a washout after my DM loop tomorrow, I am considering trying EmperorZP instead of that for the next cycle. I am kind of curious about what that one will do, and I might get faster results from it than from DM. On the other hand, I like the concept of having Daredevil in there.
It looks like I may have a bit more of a chance to test the social aspects of this coming up. Soon I won’t have to work quite as much and might actually have the opportunity to have a life. -
I can see the path through for us now as far as money is concerned. It doesn’t feel like a fantasy like it used to. The wife has her disability hearing in the beginning of February, and I see it going well. Until then, I see exactly how we are going to make it to the point she starts getting paid. I also only see a positive result coming from the hearing.
What’s DM?
Dominus Maximus
- The wife’s attitude toward me has really changed. It’s been shifting for a few months really, maybe even throughout the Year of the DE, but it’s like a switch was flipped in the last couple of weeks.
Every day she thanks me for sacrificing so much to get us through the financial problems, says how lucky she is to have me, and what an awesome partner I am.
There is a bit of a dark side to that in that she rips on herself when she does it. It’s very clear that she now sees me as higher value than her.
It’s a full 180 from the superioristic, hypercritical harpy spawn that I was considering divorcing a couple of years ago when I started status and masculinity subs. This is what lies on the other side of the hostile reaction to me beginning the journey.
As soon it comes out in ZP I’m going to see if I can get her on Ascension for Women. It is still a problem that I’ve grown a lot more than her.
- This is the last run before my washout week. I’m going to try Emperor ZP instead of DM. From what I’ve been reading it sounds like it might do pretty much everything I wanted DM to do anyway, so I’m going to run a loop and see what I notice.
I’m also taking a seven day washout instead of just five. I’ll be resuming next Sunday.
Why? For no other reason than I want to keep things to even weeks because it makes it easier to keep track of.
- Ok, that was weird. I’d heard about getting odd effects when running a ZP sub, but I hadn’t really experienced it on the other two. With Emperor, I felt like I was out of reality for a while. It messed with my sense of time, and I don’t know what else. It just seemed like everything was different for a while.
I also noticed that when I stood up my back went ramrod straight automatically.
**1/9/22 CYCLE 1 WEEK 4 STACK A**
**WASHOUT WEEK #1**
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My sex life with the wife has really taken off recently. She wants it all the time like she used to when we were dating.
I think two things have changed here. One, her attraction for me has really skyrocketed recently. Second, we make time for it now. She comes back upstairs after she gets the kid to school and I stay awake for it. -
Actually there’s a lot more going on with me than just that.
I’ve been off porn for at least three months. I mean completely off of it. Not once, and I don’t even think of it anymore. Thank you Dragon Emperor.
That’s important because a number of years ago, I had a couple of bouts of what I now realize was porn induced ED. I was not admitting to myself that I was having some real depression issues and PMO became a serious compulsive behavior. Read that addiction.
Those incidents had a serious impact on my confidence as far as performance went that even made it through a year on DE to some extent. Don’t get me wrong, things have been working just fine for a few years. The thing is that I haven’t been doing anything unless I’m absolutely sure that it’s going to work.
That meant no two days in a row, not if I felt tired, ect. That seems to have gone away in the last couple of weeks. Or gone away enough that im not letting it get in the way. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still feel a little niggeling doubt.
DE, at least the last couple of stages also seemed to shut down my sex drive. Well, it’s back. -
Now, what am I going to do about that last residue of confidence issues? Well, I’m going to run Diamond as soon as I switch stacks, or sooner if the wife gets her disability quickly and I don’t have the urgent need for RICH. But I’m not just going to wait around for that. I’ve heard a number of people here say they’ve used one of those Bathmate things with good results. I ordered one because I read good things about how it enhances performance. Any size increase is just gravy, but what the hell. I’ll run Diamond with ME too. Why not? I’m not lacking in that regard, but the goal of this year is to become above average in as many ways as possible.
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Since I said that last line I was thinking. The goal of last year was to get me to stop thinking of myself, and therefore being below average. Already this year, I’m seeing the potential to be well above average.
- After two weeks off, my first workout felt great. I’m getting into the grind for this year.
- I’ve been thinking about how my relationship with my wife has changed over the past, say, two years. That’s about how long I’ve been using alpha subs, so I’m going to assume that the change was mostly to me, and can mostly be attributed to that. I am aware though that there were a number of other factors involved as well.
When I started, she was treating me like crap, taking her frustrations and the anger caused by her MS depression out on me. She thought of herself as above me, and nothing could shake that impression in her mind.
For my part, I got angry and fought back, but it really felt like I was fighting an uphill battle. Kind of like a kid arguing with a parent. You can get pissed off as they want, but they automatically lose because of the power relationship involved and that the parent genuinely does know best, and is always assumed to be right.
We had rules we had agreed upon, and unspoken ones.
I was very careful not to criticize her because it would set her off, but if I messed up the alphabetic order of the spice cabinet, you’d have thought that I’d spent the kid’s college fund on hookers and blow.
It was the stereotypical henpecked husband, mean wife dynamic. And also mirrored my relationship with both of my parents in a lot of ways.
Her treating me as incompetent and beneath her confirmed my lifetime deep impression that I was incompetent and naturally deserving of such treatment.
Of course, I knew intellectually that I was at least as competent as her, but on a visceral level, it didn’t translate.
In terms that I somehow hear here, she had complete control of the frame of our relationship and it was tainted with her emotional, psychological, and brain problems.
I’ll call that Phase One.
Then I decided to give Subclub a try, and started with a pre Q version of Emperor and some other stuff. I was on subs before, had been using them since 2008, but they didn’t directly deal with status, self value, and “alphaness”.
It didn’t take too long before I started to notice some changes. In some ways things got worse. I no longer felt that this was the natural way for me to be treated. I didn’t have the deep down feeling that she was right when we argued, and the fact that she was treating me like that pissed me off a whole lot more.
The arguments increased in frequency and intensity, but I began to feel that sometimes I was holding my own.
She had a reaction to this. A big one. I figured out that she sensed that I was feeling better about myself and and was afraid that I would rise “above” her. She sensed that she was losing control of the frame. And DAYHAM did she fight to regain it. She did everything she could to cut me down and put things back to where they were.
I seriously considered leaving in that period because I realized that I really didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I think that the only reasons that I didn’t was that there was a kid involved and I knew that at least part of her behavior was the result of a brain disease.
There was a weird effect that started showing up. She would sometimes act like I was above her. Like in an almost exaggerated way. Like she was a very low level employee desperately trying to please the CEO. Then she’d go right back to hypercritical superiority. It was weird.
My reactions changed throughout this period. I got calmer, less angry and reactive. Sometimes I’d ignore it, sometimes I’d be snarky, and sometimes I just out and out laughed at her. She was less than amused by that, but I didn’t care. What exactly could she do to me? I was losing my fear of her, and starting to live in my own frame no matter what she was doing.
That was Phase Two.
That leads us to Phase Three. That’s when I started a year of DE. I got very focused on my internal world, and her behavior didn’t have much of an effect on me at all. Oddly, things got more and more peaceful. She still got mad now and then, but I only paid as much attention as I needed to in order to get through my day.
For her part, she finally went to see someone and get her MS depression properly managed. She calmed way the hell down. Her resistance to my changes and rise in status died out throughout the year.
I’d describe things as peacefully neutral when the Year of the Dragon Emperor ended.
Shortly after I started my new stack, it was like a switch flipped. She became actively respectful, the control behavior was completely gone, she is actively accepting of my need for an open relationship, she is profusely thankful for all I’m doing to keep the family afloat. Our sex life rekindled in a big way. She wasn’t denying me sex before, more like the other way around. Seriously, what man wants to sleep with a woman who harps at him all day.
In short she started treating me like a man, and one who she really wants to keep in her life.
I’m liking Phase Four so far.
This talk of “Phases” got me thinking of this like the Marvel Cinematic Universe and (im)patiently awaiting the next blockbuster movie and spinoff TV shows. Love the changes you’ve experienced.
So do I. I think the sudden flip from neutral to very positive is the result of DR having cleared so much out and ZP being so damn powerful.
- We have gotten a catalog from a company called Great Courses which sells kind of college level courses as a series of lectures. It’s not for any credit or anything, but both the wife and I like to learn about various things just out of interest.
They had a pretty extreme sale, and we finally bought some courses. We got one on cooking basics since we both love to cook.
I got one on writing a best selling novel. Full course. No testing or anything, but the presenter does suggest certain exercises to work through. It’s supposed to get you to where you can actually produce publishable novels.
Somewhere in the back of my head I’m actually seeing that happening, or at least as a possibility. For the first time in probably twenty years.
You see, being a novelist was a dream of that nineteen year old me that I keep talking about, and I made a few false starts at it, but could never seem to actually get serious about it.
This is another thing that goes back to the theme of getting back on track to be the guy who I wanted to become when I was eighteen or nineteen.
- All of my life I’ve been kind of plagued with negative visualizations. They come in several forms and are very immersive. They pretty much went away on DE. They’d occasionally crop up, but I could dismiss them and they didn’t have much of an impact.
They made a bit of a re appearance last night and this afternoon after I got up.
It started as the type where I absolutely dominate and destroy someone who wronged me in the past. That brings up a part of me that I really don’t want to see.
Hell, now that I’ve done DR I REALLY don’t like that cruel domineering side of myself.
I was stuck in them for a while, but they had a lower emotional volume.
I was a little worried that the things that I thought DR had gotten rid of were coming back, but then I figured that people have been experiencing recon during their ZP washouts and that’s probably what that was.
It eased off as soon as I had that thought and I started feeling a lot more positive.
- I don’t know yet if I’m going to need this this year yet, but I’m starting to consider a stack to help me excel in a basic law enforcement academy.
At the moment I’m thinking Stark, Spartan, and Godlike Masculinity, but I’m wanting suggestions.
I was twenty years younger the last time I did this.
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I’ve been working the last twenty something (I don’t even remember) days straight.
While I’m thankful for the opportunity to make the money that we need, I’m really feeling it today.
I stayed up this morning so I could have some fun with the wife after she got the kiddo to school, and that’s really messed with me. -
I can do this as long as I need to though.
I really have it in my mind that her disability hearing is the finish line and that she’s going to get it, get it soon, and enough that I can work something approaching a normal schedule and have time to focus on other things and move things forward.
- I started nofap sometime last year while I was on DE. Thing is, I don’t know how long it’s been because I never had any intention of doing nofap so I didn’t keep track of it.
PMO had at one point in my life been a problem, but the frequency with which I did it had kind of started to Peter out already.
That might have been the result of the subs I was using before Subclub and the earlier Subclub titles I used. The timing is about right.
I was still doing it though. And it was still a compulsive behavior. In other words, if I pulled porn up on my phone, the entire cycle of behavior WAS going to happen.
If I started, I was going to finish no two ways about it, and I was going to waste at least an hour of time that would be better spent sleeping or doing something else while I’m at it. Not to mention feeling low energy and all the usual stuff. I never felt the shame that some people talk about, but I’m still aware that it was a counterproductive behavior.
I also wasn’t having much sex with the wife of doing much about finding other partners. I now know that that’s because I had trained my brain to seek arousal from a screen rather than a live human female. The vast majority of my errrr…. arousal and release sessions came from that, so it’s no wonder.
Then, after I stopped, it was really weird. I kind of lost interest in sex for a while. Sort of. It was weird, I felt physically horny and I thought of sex, but I really had no urge to do anything about it.
I think that the wife (who keeps track of these things) said that we’d had sex once in five months. Damn, that means that it’s been at least five months since I’ve looked at any porn.
What I think was happening during that time was that I was re training my brain to look for arousal from live women.
The process seems to be done because the wife and I have had a lot more sex in the past three weeks than we had in probably the last two years, and it’s been way better for both of us than I remember it being in a very long time.
I also have absolutely zero urge to look for porn. It is of course right there at my fingertips, but it’s not taking the slightest willpower not to.
I am getting healthier in a lot of ways with these subs.
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you know what? I know why I stopped PMO. Or more to the point, why I no longer felt the need to.
There was a VERY long gap between the time my hormones woke up and told me that I wanted to have sex, and the first time I saw the slightest flicker of sexual interest directed my way (at least that I picked up on) by an actual living breathing girl.
I went to a very small school in the rural sticks. The problem with that is that everyone knows everyone. Not only that, but they know everything that happened to everyone from day one. You can’t get away from it, you can’t switch social groups, you can’t hide, and you can’t reinvent yourself. The place you have in the social order by the end of kindergarten is the one you will graduate with. There is NO upward mobility. And you WILL internalize it to a greater or lesser extent.
I was weird for various reasons, so my place in the social order was outcast. The problem with being an outcast in school is that you’re all forced to be there, so they can’t really cast you out, and you can’t leave. It’s really the same problem you have in prison. If the person you’re instinctively trying to drive out of the group can’t go anywhere, you ramp up the behavior that’s designed to make them leave. Evolutionary psychology at work.
So by the time puberty came calling, no girl in my school would even talk to me. They acted disgusted if I tried to talk to them. I found out later that a few of them really weren’t.
What was really going on there? They had to act that way or they’d be outcast themselves.
That lead to the long period of time (much longer in perceptual time) when I was horny as hell, but saw absolutely no prospect of finding a sexual partner.
I really got it into my head that it was never going to happen, and I mean that from about age eleven or so to maybe fifteen or sixteen my mind had it as a cold hard fact that I stood a one hundred percent chance of dying as a virgin.
So, what is the only way a guy condemned to a full life of simmering in sexual frustration could see a naked woman?
Porn. Or what I could get at the time anyway. (You see kids, back in the eightieszoic era there was no Internet with endless erotica) Which meant whatever magazines I could steal.
I spent so long thinking that thats as close as I’d ever get that the idea persisted in my subconscious despite a lot of evidence to the contrary.
Holy Crap. That’s the root cause of my PMO addiction. And DR got rid of it last year. That’s why the shift. -
I am figuring out that a lot of this year’s journal is going to be finding things that DR did for me last year but are only now coming to fruition. Also that I’m extremely wordy.