- Another interesting thing. I find myself really looking forward to running my subs. I just finished my DE and URE, and I’m almost craving another loop of each.
I’m not going to do that, but I really feel an urge to.
1 Like
- I cleaned up a small section of my room that I’d allowed to become a disaster area. I threw out a bunch of crap that I’d just been leaving around for a really long time for no good reason. I tend to do that, but I have a strong urge to correct that now. I think that putting Organization Perfected into URE was a good call.
2 Likes
- There is more noticeable progress on eliminating those reflexive violent visualizations just today. Matter of fact there is a marked improvement just from yesterday. They barely have the chance to start forming and they are just dismissed.
3 Likes
Like dust in the wind
1 Like
More or less. And after just two loops. DRU (assuming thats what’s doing it) is a powerhouse.
1 Like
-
I just read @Yazooneh’s and @Friday’s reviews. Damn! Khan sounds incredible and after a year on DE I’m probably in a mental place to get the absolute maximum out of a year on it. It brought up a couple of concerns though.
-
Pros of Khan
- I have always been kind of quiet and reserved. That’s not a bad thing in and of itself, but there are certain ways in which it has gotten in the way of having the life that I wanted.
In the beginning, the reason I was quiet was flat out social anxiety brought on by things that I’ve discussed extensively here. That abated gradually throughout the years, but I still came off as either shy or standoffish depending on the circumstances and I had trouble in social environments.
I would like to be a bit more outwardly social in a dominant badass kind of way. From what I’ve been reading, khan endows you with just that kind of presence. Being a bit more noticeable that way should help me both socially and professionally. Being kind of quiet has been a stumbling block for me there too.
It would definitely be to my advantage to be able to initiate contact with people (girls, potential business contacts, people who could help with the financial situation, ect) more easily and naturally. I’d really love to be able to walk into any area and end up in a conversation with a stranger on a regular basis too. All kinds of good can come from that.
In short, Khan may be good to shore up one of the weaknesses that have been holding me back and make some changes that I have long wanted to make. - Khan seems to have some good success scripting that applies to more than just the romantic and sexual areas of life. I’d like to see an increased drive and passion to help me break out of this kind of stuck position I still am in life. Especially if I pair it with Mogul or Ascended Mogul, it should help me hit all of the goals I’ve set for next year.
- If I’m reading things right, Khan Confidence may be better than Emperor confidence for the type of job interviews I’m going to have to ace to get my career back on track. Being a bit louder and more in your face confident could be just what I need there.
- Cons of Khan:
- Both of the reviews I read said that it made you feel very sexual and gives you an extreme drive to take action on all aspects of your life.
That could be extremely frustrating with the way my life is currently set up.
I work 70+ hours a week, take care of two mildly disabled people, a household, and a four year old. (I’ll restate to avoid confusion, we have an open relationship) That leaves me very little opportunity to act on what Khan will be pushing me to do, and might end up causing a whole lot of frustration.
Granted, it might also help me change the circumstances, but it might also encourage some poor decisions to do that. I’ll have to be on guard for that.
3 Likes
-
I’ve felt really stable and solid for the last couple of days. When got home, I went to wake the wife up to get the kid to school this morning she was resistant. She almost always is.
I had some of the same frustrated thoughts that I usually do during this process, but I was able to consciously choose not to feel the negative emotion. -
This afternoon the wife corrected some subtle shade of meaning in something I said. It wasn’t anything that really mattered and there was no reason whatsoever to even say anything she was just doing it to make herself feel superior or something. She does that a lot and it annoys the fuck out of me.
I stopped talking about what I was and she responded with “what?” Like I was being unreasonable.
I did something that I’ve never done before. I said “I didn’t need to be corrected on that, it’s annoying”.
I’ve never just directly stated what was irritating me like that and told her to stop.
I think that I’m learning to constructively set boundaries, which is something that I’ve had trouble with in the past.
She seemed a little confused by that. Like she isn’t used to hitting a hard boundary like that.
4 Likes
- I am not sure when this started, but I’ve been a LOT less fearful about money problems lately. Even a year ago it was a source of frequent stomach churning anxiety.
Now, I’m aware that the situation is less than ideal, but I don’t really have much fear of the bottom dropping out and horrible things happening. My natural assumption has gone from “we are on the edge of disaster” to “I will get what I need to get us through”. I’m even sometimes seeing “we are on the edge of making to a place where I don’t have to worry about it anymore”.
Don’t get me wrong, I still know that I have to be frugal for now, and make the right moves, but I know that if I do that we’ll get what we need and will make that next level of security in pretty short order.
I think that they call that an abundance mindset.
3 Likes
-
I’ve been thinking more about my goals for next year, and I’ve added a few. They’re a bit different from the ones that I’ve already listed in that they aren’t directly measurable. I’m going to have to classify my goals into measurable and non measurable categories.
What I’ve actually been thinking about today is how I’m going to organize my pursuit of my objectives.
I think that not only am I going to have measurable and non measurable categories, but a list of habits that I want to form, and concrete sub goals for each quarter. -
Non measurable goal #1: Increase my ability and comfort socializing. I want to get to the point where I naturally get in conversations with strangers both during the course of my day and at special activities. My uncle, a former radio personality and one of the most socially adept people people I’ve ever met, WILL end up in an extended conversation with someone every time he walks into a public place.
I don’t necessarily be as extreme about it as he is, but I do want it to happen a lot more than it does. I may still be pretty introverted, but I’d like to be able to get out of my shell more.
This will be good for not only meeting those girls from my previous list of goals, but also for networking, and just living a less isolated more enjoyable life. -
Non measurable goal #2: Increase my outward and internal sense of masculinity. I want to be perceived (and perceive myself) as more of a manly, capable, guy, and a bit of a badass. Not that I have none of that now, but I want to turn it up quite a few notches by the end of next year.
-
Habit #1: Use the time right after waking up for some self improvement reading, cleaning and organizing, or something else that’s productive instead of dinking uselessly with my phone. This starts now. I just ordered several books on the type of interview I’m going to have to kick ass at to get the job I want, and I have that hour a day to use.
-
Habit #2. Start practicing answering interview questions. I’ll have my wife select some from books and send them with me so I don’t know ahead of time. Then I’ll start by just recording myself.
2 Likes
- I had a great day today. We took the kid to a fall festival thing and corn maze thing. He had a great time and so did I. I felt extremely comfortable in public. It was very noticeable because I really haven’t been anywhere but work and home for a long time. I don’t usually think about my body language anymore, but today I noticed that upright and relaxed is just how it is now.
Then the wife and I went to dinner for our anniversary. It was very cool. Great restaurant, and I wound up starting a fairly long conversation with the waitress. Obviously I wasn’t even thinking about hitting on her, but there was just something I was curious about, so I asked her about it.
4 Likes
**Stage 4 Cycle 2 Week 2**
-
So I left my debit card at the hotel restaurant we went to last night. Oops.
There were a couple of things I noticed about this whole incident. The first is that I didn’t mentally beat the crap out of myself for making such a mistake. This isn’t the first time I’ve done that. I don’t remember exactly when the last one was, but it was before I started DE. That time and all before I spent quite a bit of time and energy calling myself every name in the book with a lot Ed emotion behind it, and I also caused myself a lot of anxiety by catastrophizing it with all of the bad things that could possibly happen with that.
Not this time. I really didn’t even think about cursing myself out at all. I just acknowledged that it happened and went about solving the problem.
With some thought I realized that something is gone from my psyche. And it’s probably one of the main things that has caused me pain and gotten in the way of my succeeding and being the man I want to be/am meant to be.
That is the sense that I need to be severely punished for making mistakes.
That’s something I’ve had for as long as I can remember, but only thought about in those terms just now. I had a very deeply ingrained sense that I needed to verbally beat the shit out of myself and feel horrible every single time I made an error.
I believe this comes from my father’s example. Not only did he berate me and run me down for every mistake, but he very loudly did the same thing to himself which was even more upsetting to me as a kid. I took that on without really thinking about it.
When I realized my mistake last night I didn’t do that at all. Hell, I didn’t even think about it enough that I noticed that I wasn’t doing it until this afternoon. It is fucking gone. Generational curse broken.
That right there is proof positive that DR does what it’s supposed to. -
The second that I noticed was how I felt when I went into the hotel to get it. At various points in my subliminal journey I’ve noticed that my body language and whatnot has improved markedly. Today I walked in there like I owned the place. The real difference was I wasn’t self conscious about it. By that I mean that I wasn’t telling myself to do it or managing how I was coming off. I had this kind of odd sense that I was just watching myself do what I naturally did and making note of the change.
It wasn’t just body language either. I made good deep eye contact with the two young women who helped me, and they returned it, and I modulated my voice in a very powerful way that was very new to me.
Good day today that bodes well for the future.
This is an amazing change from the ball of social anxiety I used to be. It’s even a change from the guy who still had residual anxiety when in public but could manage it that I was last year.
1 Like
-
I did my interview questions tonight and listened to my recorded answers.
I came off pretty awkward and hesitant even though I think I gave some pretty good answers. I have some work to do, but I’m getting into the habit of doing it, so improvement will come.
What I did notice on the good side is that the last few times I’ve tried doing this I felt a heavy awkwardness (yes, doing it by myself and recording it). That wasn’t there tonight. -
Today I actually did quite a bit of thinking about what I do want in life. I spent quite a while writing in my trusty notebook and came up with some of the ambiguous non measurable traits that I want to feel more of in my life. These are things that I’m going to design my goals and plans to get more of going forward. It’s not to say that I don’t have any of these things in my life, just that I want more.
-
Respect: To see myself as a competent, capable, and dominant man and have the way others treat and react to me match that.
-
Purpose: Have something (or more than one thing) that I consider working toward and doing that I am excited about on a daily basis. A reason that I WANT to get out of bed.
-
Power: An increased sense of control over my life and the environment around me.
-
Success: The sense that I have achieved worthwhile things that I set out to. Of course the only real way to get that is to actually achieve the worthwhile things.
-
Stability: The sense that everything is generally going to be OK so that I can focus on achieving new goals rather than preventing bad things.
-
Masculinity: The sense from both myself and others that I am a strong, stable, capable, attractive, mature, protective, and dangerous (when I want to be) man.
-
Fun: Do some things that I enjoy on a regular basis and fully enjoy them.
-
Connection: Have people in my life who I have a type of relationship with that I’m not getting from work or home and spend enough time with them. This includes but is not limited to sexual connection.
2 Likes
- I’ve been reading a lot of Khan journals and I’ve pretty much made up my mind that that’s what I’m going for next year.
The personal traits that they describe there are more what I’ve always wanted to have, where Emperor is more what I have now.
I’ve always been described as kind of quiet and as someone who keeps to myself. That used to be painful shyness, but as I got over that it evolved into just kind of how I am.
The thing is, I’ve always wanted to be more social. Not a social butterfly, but able to walk into a room filled with any kind of people and wind up in an interesting conversation with at least one of them. From what I gather, Khan has that.
I don’t want to be the center of attention every time I show up, but with the confidence I’ve been developing lately, I think I’m ready for a bit more of it.
Khan also has an edge of badass to it, I’ve always wanted that. Plus, coming off as more assertive and dominant will probably make me a more attractive prospect for the type of job I’m looking for. I think part of my problem has been that I come off as a bit too reserved.
I’ve also read that it’s a more fun title than Emperor as well, and frankly, I’m really sick of skipping all the fun in my life to do something that I have to do. One of the lessons I may be learning this year is that it’s not mutually exclusive. I can achieve what I set out to and enjoy life at the same time.
I’m pretty well settled on Khan, Mogul, and either RICH or Diamond as cores. I’m really looking forward to starting this journey.
4 Likes
- I’ve been thinking a lot about what DR has done for me this year. The more I examine it, the more I realize that there is a lot of very negative mental stuff that is just gone, and I didn’t notice it going.
For instance, I can’t remember the last time I ripped on myself. When I make a mistake it’s “crap” and fix it. It’s no longer “Crap! You stupid Fuck, what the hell is wrong with you, no wonder your life is shit, you fail at everything ect.”.
I don’t do the kind of self deprecating humor that I used to use on a regular basis. I was actually ripping on myself. It was a very bad self image bleeding through.
I worry a lot less than I used to about anything and everything. I may feel concerned about things that are of genuine concern, but it passes quickly. What I don’t do anymore is make mountains out of molehills and obsess on them.
That has lead me to have a hell of a lot less stress in my life in general.
5 Likes
- I see now that the essence of what has been removed from my psyche I think can be summed up as the tendency to torture myself. Tendency is much too weak a word. So is addiction.
It was an integral part of my mind, and it had a great deal of control over the rest of it. It made me cause myself mental pain in countless ways all through my life.
I don’t know exactly why, but I seemed to have a need to feel that pain, and resisted removing this part of me by many different methods like grim death. I don’t know, maybe I just didn’t understand that I didn’t have to feel that way, or perhaps on some level I felt that I deserved it.
It genuinely seems to be gone now, I can live without it, and as far as I can tell I don’t miss it. I don’t know when in this process it really let go. Probably because I only just now saw the full picture of it. But let go it has.
How’s that for deep change? I am grateful.
I dedicated this year to clearing the crap out of my deep mind, and that job is almost done. In just a few weeks I will begin the job of rebuilding myself in the image of who I’ve always wanted to be. I am very much looking forward to that journey.
5 Likes
I was on forum trying to figure out the “Heterosecual” post lol.
Saw yours come up, and I always give your stuff a read ASAP because of the wife stuff.
I’m looking to alpha-ize myself some more.
2 Likes
When I first glanced at that I thought it said alpha-size.
It made me think of a very male centered fast food chain.
2 Likes
Heterosesual post??
Me in the very male-centered fast food chain: I’d like to order the Diamond Deluxe!
1 Like