I think that’s right. I had little to no success using conscious techniques like NLP to change my subconscious. It just plain didn’t work. Apparently I really needed something to get behind the veil and make the adjustments without my conscious knowledge.
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- Ok, there’s still some negative shit in here. I just finished my workout and it’s following the same pattern it has every other time I’ve tried strength training. I make some early gains and then I don’t just hit a plateau, I start getting weaker. I am able to complete fewer reps than I could last time. That’s not supposed to work that way, at least not this early in the program.
I have the sense that my body could push harder but it just stops and won’t respond no matter how hard I tell it to with my mind. The first few workouts, it was my muscles that failed. I was shaking and straining and all that fun stuff. The last couple of times it’s just stopped.
After the workout, the negative thoughts played hell with me for a good half hour. They mostly confined themselves to being physically weak. Not pleasant though.
I suspect that it’s a mental issue relating to always having perceived myself as physically weak, but I’m going to get my hormones checked next week just in case that’s the problem.
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This sucks. I didn’t do well at one thing, and my mind starts spitting out negative crap.
The physical weakness thing was a big negative factor to my self image growing up. Until I hit my late teens I was very fat, had no energy, and was generally the worst guy in my class at any athletic endeavor. That sucked. A lot. I tried to build strength, but it just didn’t work. At least not as well as it did for others. I became a favorite kid for the others to demonstrate their superiority on and to humiliate.
I suspect that the constant stress I was under for reasons I’ve covered caused me to pump a lot of cortisol into my system which caused fat storage and prevented muscle growth. It also likely canceled out my testosterone when it started flowing.
It also got another one of those emotional state addictions going and set the truth into my head that I’m weak.
I’m really not. Or at least I had some level of athletic skill in my late teens and I’m doing a lot better physically than a lot of guys my age. -
I’d say this was recon, but I’m on day two of no subs after my normal rest days. Maybe it’s DR st2 executing by flushing out the last of the deep dark crap I don’t want to think about. Come to think about it, the feelings of weakness and humiliation would be hidden in the darkest place because I was most ashamed of them.
We will see how I feel when I wake up.
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- I got Financial Phoenix this morning. That was fast. I’m running a test loop now. Feels really smooth. It might be evening out the less than stellar mood I woke up in, but not sure what it’s doing other than that.
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- The optimism returned a while after my FPU run today. It’s more of a calm, matter of fact optimism than what I felt yesterday. I’m just quite sure that I’m going to want and need, and there’s really no need to be excited about it. This seems to be a lot more mellow than the standard version of RICH.
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- I got some good news. It turns out that one of the bad financial things that we were dealing with might not happen after all.
Interesting that we got it the evening after I started FPU even though it had to have happened a while before that.
I don’t feel a whole lot from FPU, it’s subtle but something has shifted.
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Calm, assured optimism. Thats the best description of how I’ve been feeling since I ran FPU upon waking up this afternoon. I haven’t thought about our financial situation that much today, just a fleeting thought here and there, but not enough to cause myself any kind of anxiety.
When I do think about it, I have the knowledge that the solutions to the problems we have are happening as I think about it and I don’t need to worry about it, or do anything other than what I’m already doing.
It’s kind of like how I know the solution to how I’m going to get home in the morning is that my car is parked behind the building a hundred or so yards from me. It’s something I don’t have to think about very much and it doesn’t cause me much stress. I may glance at it occasionally, but all in all, I just know it’s there.
This feels very different from other manifestation based subs I’ve run. Those caused me to have bouts of euphoria along with imagining the outcomes I was after. They were very high energy, and I actually think that that may have been what caused the dueling manifestation effect I’ve talked about. My theory is that when I get too consciously excited about a result, it triggers The Negator. It caused me to fear losing the result that I was imagining as “already mine” and caused an equal and opposite reaction from my manifestation system to cancel out what I was doing.
I also don’t feel the need to consciously “push” the process like I used to. I have a feeling/knowledge that my subconscious is pushing plenty where I can’t see it, and my conscious attention isn’t necessary.
With this, there isn’t the frantic excitement, but there’s no fear of losing it either. It’s calm and certain. -
Since this is my last work night for the week, I’m running my first loop of DE stage 3 as kind of a preview. So far, I’m just getting “new sub feel” from it. The official start of stage three is Sunday.
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- I’m not noticing anything earthshakingly different from one loop of Stage 3. Not yet anyway. I’m still feeling good and really mellow.
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- I got up, got all of my house and yard work done, and got my workout in. I love having more discipline and energy. Now I don’t have to do any of that for the rest of the weekend and can focus on doing other things that need to be done.
I think part of what’s happening here is I’m not wasting energy on keeping myself in one of those negative emotional states so now I have the bandwidth to think about and do things.
- Actually, I think this makes three months of doing my house and yard tasks every weekend, four weeks of sticking strictly to a workout program, and at least two months of complete abstinence from porn.
I’m really building a very respectable new me here.
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- Wolfie’s random thought of the day: I have no idea why I was thinking about new year’s resolutions in early June, but I figured out why I and most everyone else failed at the new year new you thing.
When I did it before, I always thought of “new me” beginning on January first. When that doesn’t happen, I thought I’d failed and gave up. In 2020 I did it a bit differently. I thought of the new me I wanted to see on 12/31/2021 and planned to make that happen.
- I’m starting to get some negative thinking about our financial situation creeping in around the edges again. I think it’s because I’ve gone so long without subs. I’m sure it’ll get better as soon as I run a loop of FPU on Sunday morning.
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Last night I got a few hundred dollar check in the mail that I hadn’t been expecting. That also represents about a hundred dollar a month bill that we no longer need to pay.
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I don’t remember dreaming when I woke up this morning, but there was this sense of a verbal argument going on in my head that I just glimpsed as I came out of sleep. I think one side was saying something about how it’s better for me to stay in financial trouble and the other said it’s better for that time of life to be over.
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A few more doubts and negative scenarios playing in my head today. It’s not too bad, but it’s more than I’ve had in quite some time. It just kind of lets me know that the old patterns are still there on some level and will try to re assert themselves if they are not replaced with new and better patterns. As I understand it, that’s what Stage Three is all about, so I’m about a day away from that problem being solved.
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Another reason this is happening is I feel that we’re hitting a tipping point where it comes to our financial situation. If some things go right, we could be just about to start a major upward spiral. If they don’t, we’re not far off of some bad things happening and having to make some very difficult decisions. It at least looks and feels like it’s getting to the point where it’ll be one or the other. A bit of nervousness is perfectly normal in that type of place.
At this point, most of these things are not under my direct control at all, so it’s all up to luck and manifestations unless something completely unexpected happens.
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- The good news is that this time when it’s a one or the other situation, I see the good side as a genuine possibility and I’m focusing attention on it. Before when I’ve had points like this, my mind would focus a lot more on the negative possibility and be a lot more concerned with avoiding that than going toward the better path.
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I am cheering for you!
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**Stage 3 Cycle 1 Week 1**
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I ran a loop of FPU just after waking up which is my routine. That’s really smooth. I don’t just mean the listening, I mean that once I was done listening to it my mind state was entirely positive and I didn’t feel any kind of push, resistance, or transition period as I have on previous ultimas. I just listened to an hour of water noise and then realized that I was thinking and feeling entirely good about the present and future as I got ready for my day.
It was that calm, assured kind of positivity. I’m not pumping myself up to be super excited about the good things that I want happening. It seems to me that that was kind of artificial and an attempt to push through my mental barrier to success. Sometimes it did work, but more often than not it wound up causing major backlash.
This just seems like I know something good is coming and don’t need to worry about it. -
I got to thinking about something. I have a lot less anxiety now. This shows itself around doing some things like checking the mail. I used to dread doing that because I was afraid of bad financial news showing up in the mail, as it has.
I started thinking that I should start feeling anticipation for good news showing up to replace the anxiety about bad things happening. This became a pervasive thought for a while.
Now, I was thinking ABOUT it, and not actually feeling it yet, but to me that would mean that the concept is working it’s way through my subconscious and will start to happen presently.
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I just finished my first “official” loop of DE stage three. So far, just like my test loop, I didn’t feel anything really major while it was playing other than that spacy new sub feeling in my head while it was going.
As I understand it, the first two stages of DR are about removing the bad things that hold us back from being the people we are meant to be. That seems to have happened. It dug around in my head exposing every trauma, false belief, and harmful thought pattern until I realized why it was there, what it was doing for and to me, and why it no longer needed to be a part of my inner life.
The finale of that came when I realized that all of those things, all of the self sabotage, random anger fantasies, negative manifestations, and harmful ways I’ve steered my life were just ways for my mind to keep experiencing the emotional states that it came to see as normal while I was growing up.
That problem seems to have been solved. I no longer seem to crave feeling like an earthshaking disaster is just about to rip my world apart, or like I have to endure being someone’s emotional punching bag because they are too delicate for me to fight back or leave.
I am a lot better off for all of that being removed. If I’m understanding Stage Three correctly, it’s about putting in positive programming to fill the gap that was created when the negative stuff was taken away.
That makes a lot of sense. If something doesn’t replace the negative stuff, it will eventually reassert itself for the simple reason that nature abhors a vacuum. I felt that starting a bit during my washout week so I’m very happy that this leg of the journey has begun.
Here’s what I’d like to see come into my mind to take the place of what has been taken out. -
A general mindset of positive anticipation. Where I walked around fearing something horrible was about to happen, I’d like to be looking forward to some known or unexpected good thing most of the time. As I mentioned before, I think this isn’t far off because I started obsessively thinking about it this afternoon.
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A drive to get things done rather than an aversion to routine work. This is already happening. I look forward to doing my weekly tasks because I feel good about accomplishing them, especially when I think of how many weeks in a row I’ve done them. I anticipate an increase in this effect. I’m looking at it like a game, and I’m enjoying increasing my personal record every week.
I’m feeling pride when I do non routine stuff as well, especially if it sounds kind of difficult. -
A love of challenge instead of a fear based aversion to anything that could result in failure. I’d like to naturally and enthusiastically throw myself at anything that could result in victory. Be driven more by a craving for the feeling of victory than a fear of the feeling of defeat.
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Organization on all levels of life to replace the sense of chaos and disorder that I’ve always felt and my life has reflected.
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An urge to know exactly what is going on so I can deal with it instead of to avoid looking at and knowing about anything that might be bad. The courage to look at things as they actually are.
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A sure knowledge that I am at least the equal of any person I’m dealing with instead of a sense of inferiority. This one has been getting better for years, but could still improve.
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A sense that I am in control of my life and not just the victim of internal and external forces outside of my control.
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In short, I want to spend the rest of my life driving toward something awesome, not trying to escape real and imaginary fears.
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This is very interesting now that I look at it. These thoughts started forming after I ran my test loop last week. I believe this is the first time I’ve really looked at how I want to BE on a deeper level rather than what I want to have or do. IE the basic traits I want to instill in myself rather than like, what job I want or how many women I want to sleep with per year.
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- A couple of hours after my loop and I’m getting what might be some very minor recon. I’m having a few doubts, maybe feeling a bit negative. This happened sometimes on Stages one and two as well. If it follows the pattern it’ll clear by the time I leave work.
- I know, I know, another entry tonight.
The recon I was experiencing was mostly in the form of anxiety over not being able to hold off a major bill payment anymore. I didn’t know exactly what kind of arrangement I’d be able to make after that ran out, and it was likely to be that point I was talking about where things started going sideways. That tipping point in other words.
I had been talking about starting to look things that caused me anxiety in the eye instead of shying away from them in fear, now hadn’t I?
I logged into my account to see what the damage was going to be.
Turns out I can put it off long enough that the wife’s disability will have time to come through, and any other manifestation from FPE will have time to happen too.
Recon cleared. I actually feel great. Had a good workout too.
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