- I had an interesting mental thing happen to me this morning. A negative thought pattern started to creep into my head. These used to be difficult to get rid of. I’d try, but when I tried to deliberately shut it down, it t would kind of circle back and stay in my head for a long period of time. On subs, I did better. It happened less, and I had more of a chance to actually disrupt and get rid of it.
Qv2 must be a great improvement in that regard. No sooner had it started, time to speak a couple of thought phrases, when something in my mind SLAMMED down on it and squashed it like a bug. There was a LOT of call it, psychic force behind it and it happened instantly. I don’t remember the words that came into my head with it, but it brooked no argument, and the negative thought worm was entirely gone. This was an automatic thing and there was no conscious effort on my part. It was kind of like that Negator thing I’ve talked about messing with my positive visualizations, but it hit a LOT harder and faster.
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- And on the bad side of things, my wife is getting sued over a debt that we haven’t been able to make payments on while she doesn’t have an income.
This has happened a couple of times throughout our years of financial difficulties. I’ve always been able this solve the problem somehow. It also caused me days and weeks of stomach twisting stress and anxiety as I did it.
This time I feel fine. I’m aware that it’s a bad situation, and have taken what action I could by calling my attorney, and I somehow have a sense that everything is going to come out OK. There is really no fear.
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I’ve got to mention a couple of changes I’ve had with regard to sexuality. First off, the anti PMO scripting in Emperor works 100% on QV2. At least for me. I didn’t have a huge problem with that before the switch, and didn’t really care about stopping at this point, but this last week I’ve had zero interest in it. None.
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Second, I had a session with the wife last night and another this morning. Something has definitely changed. I have gotten rid of some blocks related to that that I was only peripherally aware that I had. My attitude was different and I felt different and better. I was a lot more playfully dominant and said and did some stuff that I wouldn’t have before. It might have pissed her off, but she just laughingly called me a jackass and I could tell she liked it. I haven’t felt so free to enjoy myself since I was nineteen or twenty.
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In general, on a lot of levels I feel like I am becoming the man I thought I was becoming at nineteen before I went off track somehow.
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Another milestone man!
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**Stage 2 Cycle 1 Week 6 **
**Washout Week # 3**
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This was a good weekend. The wife and I got along extremely well. And that’s despite getting that potentially very bad financial news. We even did a few things together and it didn’t devolve into a hostile power struggle.
I got all of my self assigned weekly tasks done easily despite having one less day off because I worked an extra shift on Thursday. I’m going to have to spread the tasks out and do them after getting up because I’ve got extra shifts all this week, and no days off till the end of the month. That is a good thing because it’s a crap ton of overtime pay. -
I had a few candid conversations with my wife. She definitely noticed the snap change in me regarding sexuality. And she appreciated it quite a bit. Quite a few times throughout the weekend.
That was a sudden change too. I seem to be utterly free of a low grade discomfort around sexuality that I’ve had for years. I’m not sure exactly where that came from, but it cropped up sometime between losing my first girlfriend at nineteen and getting with my wife at twenty five or so.
I’ve also lost the notion that I can only want it and do it so often because “I’m not as young as I used to be” I wanted it repeatedly on both a physical and mental level. I haven’t felt like this in many years. I’m not quite back to the level I was when I was nineteen, but I was flat ridiculous back then. If Emp and DR do this in V2 I can’t wait to see what PS will do. I’ll have to wait for December for that though, I’m sticking to the plan. -
One of the things she talked about was that the change brought up concerns for her that I’d find someone “better” than her. She said that she was worried about that because we have an open relationship, and she was feeling like the new me could definitely make use of that. The thing that struck me as unusual was that she accepted that that’s what she agreed to and wasn’t trying to change it.
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Thinking about the lawsuit it’s weird that I’m not freaking out, and even weirder that I have it in my head that this is somehow a blessing in disguise. I am personally better off here because I am not named in the suit, and after last time, I had sense enough to get on a pre paid legal service so we will have an attorney. I don’t know how this is going to turn out to be a good thing, but I have the distinct impression that my subconscious and superconsious know something I don’t.
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QV2 is absolutely awesome. So is UV2.
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This is my planned washout week. I don’t particularly feel that I need it at this point, but I’m going to take it anyway to let anything that needs to settle get settled. I can’t wait to hit it hard on the second half of Stage two.
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What do I mean when I say I’m becoming “The man I felt myself becoming when I was nineteen”. That needs a little much more analysis.
I’ve detailed a lot of the ways in which my childhood and teenage years were very difficult. My self esteem and confidence were very low, and I was generally unhappy the whole time.
I started feeling better about myself around my sophomore year in high school, maybe a bit before I moved to a new school. I wasn’t very self aware at that point, so I didn’t really notice.
It really got better in the new school when two things happened. First, I found something that I was GOOD at. I started writing for the school newspaper. I was great at that, I was soon writing a monthly opinion column which I got a lot of good feedback on. It felt awesome to be known for something good. My grades got better, I did better socially, and was generally happier. The great thing was that I had been so sure that I wasn’t good at anything that it felt awesome to be proven wrong.
The second thing was that I got my first girlfriend. We were set up by a very close female friend, and #1 could well be described as a beginner girlfriend, but I had been convinced from the beginning of puberty to almost age eighteen that no girl would ever be interested, so it felt great to be proven wrong on that too.
What I was experiencing here was a very rapid increase in self esteem based on external success, and having some of my limiting beliefs shattered in an undeniable way.
It just got better. I actually got the opportunity to write for the teen edition of a major newspaper. On the girls front it got better too. To be blunt, within a week of losing my virginity to #1, the girl who had set us up volunteered to be the second, (I obliged of course) and a few weeks later, I met a random girl from another school, at an event and hooked up with her at her homecoming dance. So in a couple of months, I had gone from a virgin who thought he always would be one to a count of three.
Those two things brought me into my senior year thinking that I had the world by the balls.
I looked into the future and saw myself as a man with a very successful career with his choice of women and the world at his feet. It was a bright future. That’s who I felt myself becoming for maybe a total of a year from the middle of my Junior year till late in my senior year, and I’m starting to feel like that again.
It didn’t last and I now know why. It was a temporary high based on external results and the negative thought patterns and self image that had been beaten into me for the previous eighteen years weren’t going to die so easily. Before that, I’d always seen myself ending up as a lonely virgin hobo living under an overpass. That doesn’t just go away without recognizing and working on the underlying issues.
Now that I am working on them and making some headway, that guy is coming back into focus. -
The Hell of this is that if this technology had existed back then, and I’d known to apply it at that point in time, the results would have been bloody epic.
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You’re not the only one who wishes he had DR back in high school 
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I was going to say that I’m not as good as I once was, but no, I’ve still got it. Maybe there’s something I can do with it.
It’s extremely common for creative people to hold themselves back by doubting themselves. I still do
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I spent a year at home after failing out of my first college I went to and going to the second. I frequently think about going back to the beginning of that year with an arsenal of the latest subliminals and a nonspecific letter to myself.
That year was an opportunity to re invent myself, and would have been a great year for a DR run. I think about it in great detail. Weirdly it almost seems possible when I really get into it.
I think I needed the lessons I learned in high school and the few years after, but that year is when I could have really started applying them if I’d had these things available.
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it’s a washout week, but I couldn’t resist trying one loop of Diamond V2 last night. I noticed an effect when I got home a few hours later. I got a huge effect when I woke up about one in the afternoon. Lately I have been a bit irked about the wife sleeping through the day and still being in bed when I wake up. This afternoon, I found it quite convenient.
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I’ve gone into why I have a success ceiling quite a bit. Today, I started thinking about exactly how that self limitation has worked. I have a tendency to start a long term thing with every intention of seeing it through, starting out well, seeing initial signs of success, and then just plain stopping doing all the work. That’s been my biggest method of large scale self sabotage.
For example, the first time I went to college, I started off going to every class, doing every assignment, keeping careful track of everything.
When my first set of mid semester grades came out, I was doing awesome. Much better than I had ever done in school.
That’s where things started to go wrong. Now, a couple of external things did happen around that time, and up till now, I blamed my sudden drop in success on them.
BULLSHIT.
Girlfriend #1 who had gone out of state decided to break up with me for the first time. My roommate introduced me to a social group who spent most nights hanging out, and a couple other things. It’s true that that’s where my focus went, but the tipping point came right when I saw how good that first set of mid semester grades were. This was my success ceiling in action.
I’ve gone over why I had such a low and solid success ceiling, but now I’m seeing exactly how it worked in this and many other cases.
I decided then that it was ok to skip class just for today, and to do other things. The next day I did it again, and the next.
Of course after a while, I knew I was screwing up, and I kept saying “I’ll skip one more and get back on track tomorrow” every day. That went on until toward the end of the semester when I got really stressed for a short period of time, then said “ok, it’s too late, no point in trying now I’ll just enjoy the rest of the semester and start fresh next.” (Take a guess how that plan went). I supposed I knew I was BSing myself, but that lie relieved any mental pressure that facing the truth, holding myself accountable for the hole I’d dug, or actually getting my shit together here and now would put on me. In that case, I did the same thing the next semester, but without the strong start.
The second college I went to, I actually did pretty well, but pulled a variant of the same pattern by quitting to do something else midway instead of getting my degree and then doing that.
I’ve followed the exact same pattern throughout my life on many things. Another attempt at school, physical fitness, writing novels, keeping the house clean, just everything.
The root cause of it has always been my subconscious trying to maintain my “reality” which was an image of a not very successful person. -
The good news is that my maintaining the habit of doing my weekly household tasks seems to show a change in this pattern, a big one.
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- No particular insights or anything special today. It seems like my mind is taking a rest, and things are settling like they’re supposed to on a washout Week.
I’m pretty eager to get back at it, but I’m aware that there’s a good reason that I do this. I am looking forward to hitting it hard for another six weeks starting on Sunday.
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- Dreamed that I was moving stuff into or out of a house in the tiny little town ex #3 lived and I and #4 had visited her a couple of times before #4 and I actually got together. There were a few people there though I don’t remember who they were. Most of the dream involved talking to them while putting boxes into an SUV. I did not know if #3 still had any connection with this place. I had bought a house there.
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There is definitely an increase in the dreams I remember having since I switched to Qv2. Without subs, I’ll usually have one or two a year. With them, I’ll have one or maybe two in rapid succession a little bit after starting a new title. This is different. I’ve had four or five in the last couple of weeks. It’s definitely hitting my subconscious in a way that It hasn’t been hit before.
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I continue to feel pretty normal. I can’t feel the subs processing anymore. I am a bit aware of the lack of subliminal input and I’m somewhat tempted to start again. Just realized, it’s been six days. I’ll just run the last two days of this week, and get back on my normal schedule.
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I’ve found my dreams are far more abundant and vivid if I listen to subs while asleep. Saint confirmed for me that is a clear sign the subs are “getting in there.” I have to agree.
I’m glad your dreams are coming to you more, assuming you find that a good thing lol
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It’s a perfectly fine thing. Usually sleep just seems to me like I blink my eyes and find that 5-8 hours have passed. I do take it as a sign that something is going on in there.
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The talk of sleep got me thinking. My father, after the divorce, used to tell me that he was under constant tension. He said that he didn’t even think that he was able to relax while he was asleep.
I certainly know how that feels. I spent a considerable amount of time feeling the same way. I don’t think I had a moment of relaxation from about age six to a few years ago. I always felt like the sword of Damocles was hanging over me. There always seemed to be something I dreaded right around the corner, and when one thing went away, another appeared.
The more I peer into my subconscious, the more I realize how many of my problems were inherited from my father. He didn’t mean to pass it on, but I was subconsciously modeling myself after him, that’s how a boy is supposed to learn to be a man, so I absorbed it like an ancestral curse anyway.
There was the constant tension, catastrophizing, negative view of the world and especially myself.
Hell, even how I dealt with relationships and their aftermaths was a mirror of how he dealt with his relationship with my mother.
He took what came along when it came to women, and that happened to be my mother. She was no prize. She was seemingly incapable of empathy or real human connection, and she eventually discarded him. I suspect when he was no longer useful to her.
Dad took her actions to mean that there was something wrong with him. He thought that not being worth anything to her meant that he wasn’t worth anything period. He never got over her to this day. (A healthy man would just say “oh shit, I married a borderline sociopathic narcissist and moved on himself)
I behaved the same way with all three of the relationships where I thought I was “in love”. I got involved with girls who weren’t worthy of me. They were all using me for something, either to escape bad parents, or to stroke their egos by playing games with me. Then when they didn’t need me anymore, I took it as a reflection on my own worth and I couldn’t get over it.
I expected myself to fail at life because he did.
So that’s one of the biggest roots of my mental blocks if not the biggest. I was taught to be a man by a badly broken man, so I learned to be broken.
It’s nothing more than the deeply instinctual subconscious programming that causes our species to model ourselves after our same sex parent even if we don’t know that’s whats happening. -
There is good news here. In most stories I’ve heard about ancestral curses, there’s a way to break it and one member of the line eventually searches for and finds it. Just knowing that’s what’s going on is a major start. I think I’ve found it. The same crap will not be passed on to my son.
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Dang, that all started within half an hour of starting a loop of DE. I did two.
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