- This is interesting. Usually at this time in a twelve hour shift, my back is stiff and tight as hell. Tonight it’s nice and relaxed. It hasn’t felt this good in years. Let’s see how I feel when I wake up in the afternoon.
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@COWolfe, since you wrote down your fears, it made me look at myself. I have a habit of avoiding what I’m thinking and feeling, meaning I lie to myself regularly. (tears actually came up while sharing that).
I started St2 this morning. Kind of scared, but naming my real fears is good for ME right now. In my head I can duck and dodge, but putting it down in writing helps me SEE it.
Emotional memories and holdups are my reason for doing DR myself. I’m considering mirroring your list. And no, you’re definitely not alone. Not at all.
Will write tonight.
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It seems to have been helpful. I’ll probably go into greater detail on at least some of them and get into the hows and whys on them.
Why so fast to switch stages? Do you feel that you’ve gotten all you can out of stage one?
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No, I definitely know more can be dug up. I switched since I hung on to both Kahn’s and EOG’s St1 for 2 months (roughly), but I never moved on. I hid behind “not enough yet, not enough yet…” All of DR is going to show me something, and I’m wishing to find a peace in my storm. I moved on after 30 days, and stage 2 is up. Already ran a loop this morning.
DR is helping me face fears successfully, one by one.
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Gotcha. Good plan. You can always run the whole thing again if you feel the need.
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- Also interesting. I just listened to a couple of songs that kinda remind me of the ex that it took me a really long time to get over. I used to do this regularly, but at some point on my sub journey decided to stop torturing myself, and lost the urge to do it. I listened again just to see what would happen. It didn’t bring up any pain or obsessive thoughts, but I felt an odd stirring of energy around my chest.
All in all, a good first running.
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Yeah. I’m wondering if I should make a custom of stage 2, 3, or 4. 4 sounds good, but 4 is months away, and it’s fueled by “playing safe”. Name embedding changes the game, and that’s my main motive. I’m still undecided about it. Thinking about mixing it with Ascension to grow myself more.
I’ll cool my jets. Saint said name embedded majors are soon to be opened.
That could be a really good combo. I’d do it myself, but I’ve got six months on Dominus, and I need to get some things rolling in the outside world pretty urgently.
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-
I felt very tired when my alarm went off this afternoon. It felt heavy and like I was going to have a hard time dragging myself out of bed. This was the usual sub hangover I get when I start a new title, but the usual kind of dizzy but not on a physical level (hard to describe) feeling I get in my head wasn’t there. Also absent were the painful tightness in my back, and the underlying anxiety that I’m used to waking up to. My muscles were still a bit tight, but there was no pain.
The tiredness dissipated very quickly, and I was out of bed and moving.
I also noticed that when I started a habitual sequence of thoughts that would lead to anger at my wife for leaving us in a desperate financial situation, it kind of interrupted itself. Like, nah, I don’t want to be angry and resentful. I tried it with memories of how my parents treated me as well. Same thing happened. That’s pretty amazing actually, and from a single loop. -
As I drove to work, I kept sort of reliving some scenarios from when I was younger, but reacting to them differently.
I’ve had that reaction on subs before. I think I know what’s happening. It’s not just dwelling on the past. My mind is trying to re write its history so that I have the effect on my current psyche of having responded like a strong, put together person instead of how I actually did. I think this is having more of the desired effect on DR.
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I didn’t feel very much while doing my loop tonight, I did feel the “fire” as a subtle movement of energy around my body. I do have to remember that I’ve just put two really big and difficult to run subs in a single custom, so I might have kind of a slow start. That’s OK. It’s why I’m planning on a full three months on each stage, and ramping up the loops slowly if at all.
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The thing I mentioned before where common sequences of thoughts that make me angry kind of interrupt and diffuse themselves has continued.
I frequently would envision arguments with my wife where she’s treating me very unfairly (reason being that happens frequently). It’s not something I really mean to do, it just happens, but it can really get me angry in the moment. I started one of those episodes earlier, but something different happened. In the fantasy, I reacted differently. When she went off on me over something small, I kind of chuckled and said “that’s a bit much hon”. I felt different too. There was no anger, just kind of amusement at how ridiculous she was being.
Please note that if I do that in real life, it might not go well. -
That made me think about something that I’ve known about myself, but haven’t thought about that much. All negative emotion with me comes out as anger. I don’t cry, ever. I don’t whine or play the victim. I don’t usually feel sad, dejected, despondent, or hurt. I just get pissed off. I don’t usually act it outwardly, but that seems to be the entire range of negative emotion for me. I’ll have to go into why that is at some point.
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I’m noticing similar things too. Especially things that used to make me angry, just don’t. The anger is just gone.
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The main thing I’m noticing is that I’m not making MYSELF angry anymore. I used to think of things that happened in the past, or could happen in the future and get fumingly mad about them. It was a daily problem. Since I pressed play on this beast, I don’t think it’s happened once. So far, I seem to feel less anger at things that actually happen, but there hasn’t been much of a test yet.
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That’s the way it is! Dragon on!
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-
I woke up to my alarm clock feeling dead tired again today. I expected that. This monster of a sub is taking up a significant amount of my mental processing power. At least I’m sleeping well. I was starting to have a bout of insomnia (I get those) and this seems to have solved it.
Once again, the tiredness wore off at some point between my feet hitting the floor and finishing my shower. -
As I mentioned above, I have not had a thinking pattern that causes me a bout of anger since I started this.
I felt a little irritation at the wife because she was having trouble with a simple task, feeling overwhelmed and kind of directing it at me, but it wasn’t as intense or long lasting as it normally would be.
I realized that I was being a bit unfair. She used to be one of the most capable and competent people I know, but because of her fucked up disease she struggles with very simple things. She is frustrated by that, and its where some of her anger comes from. I am also getting irritated at her when she’s slow or makes mistakes. That’s because I still think of her as the woman I met, and don’t take her disease into account.
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No deep sleep module and you getting this type of effect that kool
Just take time with everything, watch you behavior carefully i think long term these issues will go any just keep going it only the beginning
I’m pretty sure that that’s one of the listed modules in Emperor, and I’d bet money that DR has it too. I think it’s also partly just the fact that my brain is getting so much to process.
It’s happening pretty quick. Two loops in and I realized what was going on with that. Before I was just irritated and didn’t even think about why or what might be going on. It’s toning down too.
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- As well as my mind not causing me random bouts of anger through vivid memories and fantasies, my anxiety about our current situation is gone.
I just realize that the things I was stressed about happening aren’t such a big deal. The worst we’re looking at is being unable to pay some bills for a while and taking some credit damage. If it happens it happens, and I’ll consider getting out of this with nothing worse than that a win. Last week I was really anxious about every bit of that. Now I’m not. Nothing has changed but my perspective.
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I’ve noticed this effect on DR too.
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- I didn’t feel like I was waking up from being chloroformed this morning. Perhaps that’s just because I’m working an eight not a twelve tonight so I didn’t have to rely on my alarm to wake me up and just let my body sleep as long as it wanted to.
I had some episodes of internal irritation and anger while watching the three year old, but they were a lot less intense than usual. At first I thought I was back sliding, but reminded myself that I’ve run a grand total of three loops of this thing.
Then when I was carrying my dinner plate to the table, my son was swinging some toy around and knocked it out of my hand and all over the couch.
I have always watched how I express anger at and around him. I am the son of a ragaholic and I understand the psychological damage that can cause. This time I didn’t suppress my anger at him. Because there wasn’t any. It was just a thing that happened because he’s thee. That’s a HUGE change.
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