It seems to be. Just being able to see what’s been effecting me, how, and why its that way is helpful.
I hope it works for you too.
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Well, just got reminded of my childhood after reading your post. I seem to be looking back at it with a slightly different perspective now .
I think life really threw a curve ball at me at that time and I didn’t have the mental and emotional capacity to handle it.
Anyway, that’s in the past and no point looking back unless I can change it.
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Me too. Oddly, there is no pain involved here. I’m just seeing the truth about why it was the way it was in a very detached way. I suspect the trauma had been processed before the analysis came to the surface. I was too emotional about while it was happening and until now.
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-
I slept like a rock and felt exhausted when I woke up this afternoon.
Apparently so was my wife. She had had a nights sleep, but woke up when I got home. Said she was getting up anyway. When my alarm went off six hours later, she was still there sawing logs.
Fortunately the roommate was able to wake up and watch the kid. Maybe Paragon is taking a lot of energy.
When she got up though, she had to take the roommate to pick up some meds. That doesn’t take long and they should have been back in plenty of time to allow me to leave for work when I normally do (we only have one functional vehicle at this point) However, she and the roommate decided to go grocery shopping while they were out. It wasn’t a quick trip to grab the two things that we needed either. She spent a lot of time at the store and came back with a trunk load. This resulted in them getting the car back about forty minutes after I would normally have left. I wasn’t as stressed during the drive as the prospect of being late normally makes me, and I made it just on time.
I am aggravated by that. Very aggravated. She knows when I need to leave to make sure that I get to work, and couldn’t be bothered to cut things short to make sure that happened.
I’m thinking of my life situation, and it’s unacceptable. I am currently the sole source of support for two other adults and a three year old. Both of the adults stay home all day almost every day, and yet the house looks like a tornado hit it. The wife empties the dishwasher sometimes, and they both make sure the kiddo is safe, but that’s about all they do between the two of them.
They both have medical conditions which limit the amount of energy they have, so I feel bad about mentioning it. Still, I am pulling all of the weight here and I resent it.
There, I said it. I have felt like an asshole for feeling resentment about this all along. Like I don’t have any right to feel that way. I do though. She pretty much gave up when she got her diagnosis, but still pushed me into having a kid even though it was very predictable that I would wind up doing most of the associated work. I have a right to feel something about that. -
Well, that was interesting. I actually felt some emotion while I was writing that, not just an ambiguous feeling trying to overwhelm me that I generically refer to as “stress”. You see, I don’t DO feelings. I’m too tough for that
.
This time it just kind of flowed smoothly. I felt it, and it was manageable. Maybe because I wasn’t automatically trying to block it and push it out of existence.
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- OK, I just got R.I.C.H. My main external goal is to get us financially stable this year, and this supports that goal. Running the first loop now.
I’m going to run a loop a day for the rest of the week and add it into the DE playlist from here on.
In the first few minutes, my sense of stress and overwhelm about finances melted away.
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- A few hours after my loop of RICH and I definitely feel my energy field radiating and buzzing. That’s about it so far, but it’s noticeable.
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This is your first loop thus far?
Yup. And enough more letters.
- R.I.C.H packs a punch. I woke up with one hell of a sub hangover this afternoon. Tired, weird feeling in my head, and WOW I felt energy humming off of my skin. I felt it out to about three feet away from my body.
My roommate got her stimulus check today. She wasn’t expecting to since her last one was redirected to pay on a debt of hers, so it was a nice financial surprise. She’s going to use it to help the household, so I’d call that an instant hit even though it didn’t come directly to me.
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- More stuff from my distant past being vomited up for my thinking pleasure.
This one is odd and kind of vague. From my earliest memory I can remember having the impression that the universe, God, whatever you want to call whatever was in charge of how random events play out was against me. I have no idea how I got that impression in the first place, but it was in place from earliest childhood. I thought that long before I really had a concept of what the universe or God actually were to people.
I had the persistent thought that if something could go my way or against me, there was some force that would make it go against me every time.
The weird thing is that if I think back and it seems to hold true.
Anything that involved random chance seemed to go against me a lot more than it did others. This could be my memory distorting things, but I recall that if I was playing a game that involved dice, cards, or any kind of random thing, the other person would always have much better luck than me. It wasn’t just games either. I seemed to have more than my share of random mishaps, never won anything in a raffle or drawing (to the best of my recollection), and if something was someone who didn’t know me’s decision, it would go against me.
And the more I wanted something, the more this invisible force would step in to thwart me. That’s a belief I developed really early in childhood. Essentially that I am naturally unlucky.
That didn’t seem rational as I developed toward adulthood, so the belief kind of went underground, and I didn’t think about it directly that much. However the more I think about it, the more I see that it’s been operating as a core belief all along.
With what I now know about manifestation, and the like, that explains a lot.
Manifestation, majick, positive thinking, ect have never worked for me. Why? Because I somehow picked up the idiotic idea that the universe doesn’t want me to have anything I REALLY want. Why doesn’t manifestation work for me? Because manifestation works. That’s fucking stupid!
I really wonder where I got that idea embedded in my mind so deeply, but I think it’s from too early to really pull a distinct memory.
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Beliefs are weird that way. They will filter data coming in from the outside world to confirm what you already believe (Confirmation Bias), and they’ll also color how you remember things.
To use a bit of SLOM on you, can you think of a time when things seemed to go your way?
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The more I read this journal, the more I feel as if I could have written this. It took me long time to get over many of these beliefs… and I am not going back that rabbit hole again.
I am never going to pay a single cent to so-called coaches/healers/gurus/masters/wiccans/spiritualists who claim to be able to help me manifest or heal or raise my frequency anymore. I wasted too much money on them.
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I already did that to me. Yes, but I can’t remember any runs of natural great luck. There were just times when nothing went wrong and I succeeded when I could be expected to. The one time I do I was using that one other company’s title related to success and luck when we were having our first round of financial trouble a few years ago.
That was a WEIRD experience. We were trying to refinance the house, and I had an incredible stroke of luck that allowed me to do it earlier. Then a couple of out of the blue things went wrong to derail the entire process, then some equally off the wall things happened that let me fix the problems. It was like half of my manifestation ability was fighting the other.
I don’t know that SLOM is really necessary here. I suspect this wouldn’t have popped into my consciousness like that if it weren’t well on its way to dissolving.
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Beautiful 
Actually, yes, there was some really good luck. I didn’t get girlfriend #1 or #4 got pregnant. Don’t laugh, it was kinda miraculous actually, but not as noticeable because it’s something that DIDN’T happen.
Hey what’s SLOM?
No laughing here. I do consider that a stroke of luck for sure.
Sleight of Mouth. Originally a set of 14 language patterns to help people reframe beliefs and open up their thinking conversationally.
Matter of fact, they both got pregnant very shortly after me. Long enough to be sure, but not by much.
Talk about dodging some expensive bullets lol