That’s what puzzled me.
I drop a lot of people out of my life, even those I were close with.
I take my goals that seriously. I don’t mind cutting anyone who holds me back or is wasting my time.
And deep inside, as much as I don’t want to admit this to others, I don’t feel like I’m losing much.
We were besties a few days ago, sharing our deepest thoughts & feelings, we’ve been there for each others in our most vulnerable times for years etc. But when I actually cut them from my life, it always feels underwhelmingly flat.
Right now as I’m writing this, I’m trying to remember people that were in my life. As heartless as it is to say, I can’t care less. I just feel neutral.
As I’ve written above, even when people I knew passed away, I didn’t feel much.
But the recon from WB made me feel as if someone I know died, even more than what I feel when it actually happened.
Maybe the euphemism is not that good at conveying the message intact.
I’m just gonna drop it.
Not as in they left me, it’s as if they died.
The whole recon has a lot to do with the concept of mortality.
2 years ago when I forced myself to listen to full loops of WB, every single night I dreamt about death.
not just about people around me, but also towards myself.
Fear is there, but not prominent. It is mostly the feeling of loss after death occurs.
One that I think I should feel instead of what I actually felt when it actually happened.
If it’s about a scarcity mindset of losing other people, why do I get it towards myself? I don’t think I’m afraid of “myself” going away and not caring about “myself” anymore.
Edit: OH I THINK I FOUND A CLUE.
After writing the last sentence above, my mind somehow linked it to one of my fears.
There’s a reason I don’t drink, do drugs, or stuff like that.
I’m terrified of losing control over my own body, a bit irrationally much at that.
I also have not so stellar history with this fear throughout my life.
I’m fine with the unpredictability of the world, but god forbid I lose control of my own body, of what I say, of whatever is internal.
The whole thing reminded me of this quote:

While it’s a good quote to live by, what if I lose control of even that? myself?
The thought alone terrifies the living shit out of me.
(Also funny that the name of its writer is also viktor. I have this quote in my bookmark from years ago, but I didn’t pay attention to their name.)
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I’ve been lost in thought about this, as soon as I figured it out, I’m beginning to see how everything connects.
It makes sense now.
I’m gonna do more introspection & work through this.