Wife wanted to Separate - Please Help

Questions and Comments
#1

Right now I really need some help.

My wife and I have 3 baby’s and we’re pregnant with Baby 4.
Our twins were so hard the first year, they’re turning 2 in a month, and really they’re still tough but nowhere near like when they were born and after.
We had no help from anyone. I couldn’t work. I was getting 3-4 hours sleep. She was getting maybe 4-5 hours. Both up feeding every hour.
It was absolutely awful and scaring. I’ve blocked out a lot of it but I can absolutely say, I have serious trauma from it.

It made me mean, bitter and angry.

I recognize that now. I knew that I was that way from it but I didn’t fully understand until Sunday just how horrible I have been to my wife and baby’s. Its like I had a moment of self reflection while I was meditating which it’s been a while since I had the time.

And I was absolutely horrified by how I’ve been. My wife wanted to talk, she said she was thinking about separating but she really doesn’t want to. She’s not sure what to do but she loves me but she’s not in love with me like before. I felt the same. We’ve both gone through a lot and we’ve had literally 3 dates together over the last 2 years.

3 times to be just us in 2 years.

I told her I don’t want to separate, it would destroy me. I couldn’t live without her or them, and I really feel that way. I love them so much I can’t even explain it in words and I told her I would do anything to repair our relationship. Our kids need us and I want to try to fix it. I asked her what she wants, and she said she’s not sure what she wants. She’s never seen a successful relationship before (We’re in Vegas and it’s left and right, so she’s right for her perspective, even her own parents).

About 2.5 years ago, we went to a different state and lived with my parents while we finished school. I got my Masters Degree. It was extremely rough living with them and our first kid. My mother is verbally abusive and hates my wife.
My wife wanted an apartment, we only had about a semester left so I didn’t want to. But she said that was a big factor because I didn’t believe how bad it was for her and it really hurt her.

She said that she hasn’t felt happy in a while. Her mom died 2 years ago unexpectedly when she was pregnant with the twins too. It was a very rough 2 years.

What can we both listen to to help save our relationship?

We’re going to read some couples therapy books and likely go to therapists individually also but I’m sure there’s something that can help

I was thinking Love Bomb and Heartsong

Please help. I would really appreciate it

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#2

Love Bomb can hit really hard. So can Heartsong. I’d start with one or the other for a few cycles first. Both together can hit hard enough to make things worse in the beginning.

I’d probably go HS since it’s specifically about relationships.

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#3

If I was in a situation with a spouse thinking about leaving me:

I would take an inventory of what I could do better, and plan how to do so, and then do it

I would get “Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage” by John Gottman

I would also get “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman

I would apologize for everything I thought I did wrong

And I would read @Trader 's post above.

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#4

First of all, pregnancy is hard on a couple, especially the woman.

Talk to your wife, acknowledge that, and apologize. And do better. You have 3 kids with the 4th on the way. It’s not going to get easier for you going forward.

You guys have 3 young children. Your wife will need all the help she can get from you. She is not going anywhere. Especially while pregnant. :joy:

Relationships change and evolve. You guys have 3 kids and the 4th is coming and by your own admission, you’ve been a subpar partner. Of course, she is not going to love you the same. What did you expect?

Welcome to being parents!!! With 3 young kids, 3 dates in two years isn’t even that bad.

OK, bro! From one man to another, stop saying that to her. You’re not helping your case. It just makes you look weak. Even if it’s true, it just makes you look weak and right now what your wife needs is a strong and supportive partner. Not a crybaby!

Don’t even ask that. You’re the man of the house, you need to take a leadership role. I don’t care what people can say but there can’t be two captains on a ship. You don’t have to say that you’re the leader. Just lead. She’ll see it and she’ll defer to it.

Up to you to show her what a successful relationship is.

Consider moving your family to a different city. With 4 children, Las Vegas is quickly going to become too expensive for you. If your relationship is already on the rocks, adding money woes isn’t what you need. :point_down: :point_down:
Vegas

Grow a pair and cut your mom off for now.

Understandable!

Don’t have your wife listen to subs while she’s pregnant! @SaintSovereign and @Fire (the two people who created this company) will tell you the same thing.

I don’t know about that. Sometimes therapists are the ones who really fuck things up further.

Love Bomb and Heartsong is a good combo however, in your case though, you need to add a good alpha sub that can help you stop being a weak husband, grow a pair and fully step into your role as a man, a husband and a father! Consider Ascension.

I would go with Ascension and Love Bomb for now. The reason why I’m not saying Heartsong is that as a newbie, it’s better to start with two subs than three. Love Bomb is going to cover a lot of things that Heartsong doesn’t: like self-esteem, emotional resilience, etc. It will also help you develop a general atmosphere of love in the house. You need to create that as a father.

Ascension because you need to grow a male backbone and face the challenge of being a husband and a father. Your wife needs to feel understood, loved, supported and protected. She needs to see a strong male presence in the house. Ascension + Love Bomb will do that more efficiently than Heartsong + Love Bomb.

By the way, don’t even mention to your wife that you’re listening to subs, she already has enough on her plate to get into that conversation. Then if she brings it up to the therapists, that’s going to be another conversation you don’t need.

Good luck!

15 Likes
#5

Wish I could triple-like posts :joy:

I thought about the beta/weakness thing but wasn’t sure how to word it without sounding like a dick (I’m running Emperor lately and it’s been pointed out to me recently by a forum friend that I act a certain way on Emperor)

@jshep23, building on the leadership angle, I’d consider doing Heartsong and Chosen. It’s worked well for me recently with my own wife.

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#6

I also thought about Chosen but only after he’s spent a few months on Ascension. I think @jshep23 needs a good fast acting alpha sub. Ascension fits the bill.

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#7

Here’s what’s funny.

Maybe this came off wrong.

I’m not a beta. I’ve been listening to Emperor for a while, I’m not at all a Beta. Any of my friends will say that, they have before and I’m like, oh really idk. I never mention using subs.

I didn’t give you guys every single detail of our life lol

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#8

Emperor is a fantastic sub. Maybe my favorite one. It completely changed my life. Just add Love Bomb to Emperor and you’re good!

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#9

I’ve done Ascension about 2 years ago, I was thinking about it again but I do Emperor already and BDLM to try (it works)

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#10

I agree that Ascension and Love Bomb sound like a good combo. Remember to use shorter loops as needed.

And listen to the people here; but don’t listen to us too much. We don’t actually know you, and are often projecting onto you based on our own past painful experiences and lessons.

The books recommended by @RVconsultant are high-quality and evidence-based. Anything by the Gottmans.

Most people in this world have relationship challenges. So just work on your growth and your improvement, but try not to take the emotions and the rumination overboard.

And don’t worry too much about ’choosing the wrong subliminal’. As long as you use your sense and are in the ballpark, the facts are that 1) there are really no unhelpful programs here, and 2) running any program will tend to ‘lead’ and ‘push’ you intuitively to the eventual program that fits your needs perfectly.

I’d also recommend running a program from the Dragon line: Rebirth, Limit Destroyer, or even (eventually) Dragon Reborn itself.

Finally let me say, it’s great that you’re willing to take responsibility and to be accountable, but remember that you and your wife have both created your current situation together. You’re an adult but so is she. So take up your responsibilities and do what you need to do to be a strong contributor in your home. But don’t go overboard with the guilt. Guilt often ends up being just one more way to avoid responsibility. It’s easier to stand around crying about what a terrible person you are than to actually start changing something.

Treat yourself well and do the right things: you don’t have to choose one or the other.

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#11

I’ll recommend LBFH over LB personally.

LB is felt by others, for sure, but it might take some time for others to acclimate to it. I’ve had recon with LB which I never had with LBFH

LBFH, from my understanding and experience, is designed to radiate out to others instantly. For example, a few months back I ran LBFH one morning, and all day my coworker was laughing at anything and everything. Laughter is a stress reliever, and I’ve seen it happen again and again when running LBFH.

Considering the stress between the two presently, I’d choose that.

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#12

Good advice has already been given so I will balance it out with some encouragement:

  1. You are a man. You are not weak. Women don’t date weak men. You have had moments of weaknesses like we all do but a woman has given you children which is the greatest act of validation.
  2. You are a father. Of 4 children! Whether you raise them or not, your genes will live on (but do raise them. Children do well when they have a father in their lives). 4 children is also much more than most people have these days which is normally 0 or 1.
  3. You had the balls to own up to your mistakes. That’s excellent! Now do go ahead and follow the advice given here.
  4. You will be fine whether or not this relationship works out. Give it your best shot but don’t trip yourself about it. Focus on being a better man and husband and father. Those skills will be useful any day.
  5. Don’t apologize to your wife after an event. Only do so when in the heat of it and when you realize you are wrong. Maybe you said something unkind and the next moment you take a deep breath and say “I am sorry, I didn’t mean that”. But don’t apologize later in the day or after a long duration.
  6. Now go forth and conquer!
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#13

I’m not a beta weak male. Not sure how that was conveyed.

I love my wife and our family a lot, they’re extremely important to me. Not sure how that’s weakness.

My parents were coming to visit next month, I told them to cancel their trip and they did. My wife is more important than anyone outside our immediate family. I don’t need to grow a pair, I’ve told her off repeatedly and she’s got serious issues and now, she can f off and she’s not coming.

Do you see what I do on a daily basis in my home? Subpar partner? You don’t even know me or what I do LOL I do a lot in the house. Not complaining, I enjoy it and being with my kids. But to say subpar, idk, I tell my wife she can go rest when she gets sick at night and I do all her chores she usually does, and then I go and work on the business we’re starting up and I stay up till 2am

Didn’t know the No Subs for Pregnant women. Thank you, but why?

I’m aware of what parents go through, I’m also aware that they have help a lot of times too and that you need time with your spouse too

Why you’re thinking I didn’t already apologize, I’m not sure. I did before she talked to me. And I bought a bunch of books to read for myself and for us both

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#14

@jshep23

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#15

Thank you

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#16

Why those dragon ones?

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#17

Thank you for mentioning this!

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#18

And now you have 2 more that are from one of the top authors in the field of relationships.

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#19

You wanted help.

No.

Because I don’t know what you do on a daily basis or otherwise.

So since I don’t know you or what you do or what you already have done, I had to decide if I should say something you might have already done, or do I say nothing and then perhaps you don’t get an idea that might help you.

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#20

As an addition to what everyone else has said…

Emperor has a very particular “flavor” to it that I can recognize, having seen its effects on me when I ran it and on others who run it. Love Bomb / LBFH can probably help, but Hero’s virtue scripting would be my alternative suggestion to take the rough edges off Emperor’s polarizing effect. And it might be a more efficient transformation than a HS/LB double whammy. You really only need to pick one out of PN / PS / LB / HS etc that best describes your desired direction or transformation.

HOM seems more in line with your direction, but its also a more dense script and you’ve already established yourself with the original Emperor. Hero Origins would be a way of taking that strong frame Emperor gives which can be overpowering to a woman and nudging it in a more appealing and productive direction which would also benefit the business.

2 Likes