What is love? - Custom Journal

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#21

Update:
I reduced my use of the mind machine to only one meditation session.

My stack is now with the Love Custom as main program. And rotating Ultimate Artist and Wanted. I think I like Wanted more than the PS custom. Today was an active listening day with one loop of Wanted and one loop of the Love custom.

The identification with the person is little at the moment. I am very present and have fewer thoughts. But there is this feeling of boredom again. It occurs when I have nothing to do. Letting go of this boredom seems to me as a worthy goal. I want to let go of it by accepting it and loving it.
“Feels good to be bored, it’s a sign that I can relax now.” could be a slogan.

My eating habits are a bit out of order. I need to remind myself of eating. A moment ago I suddenly felt unwell and had to throw up. Didn’t eat anything yet at 12:24. Probably caused by too much nicotine and caffeine on an empty stomach. I often have lacks of energy because I am not eating as regularly as in the past.

#22

I have to rethink some subjects.
I noticed that I have to learn to say no.
Have been asked for help but didn’t say no.
Now I see that the help is not an easy task.
It’s probably possible for me to still say no with that new information.

I already thought I need a subliminal to learn to say no. But that would be a too big tool.

Some life lessons have to be learned consciously.

I have to admit that I am listening to Ascension now.

This happened because I hadn’t have the insight before starting the loop.
I still can say no to that decision and stop it now and continue to listen to my stack.

I am thinking too much for other people. Predicting possible outcomes, reactions. Cognitive therapy calls this a thinking error (fortune telling).
I thought the person whom I wanted to help would react emotionally disturbing if I don’t help. She did so in the past. But I could handle that emotional situation probably now. I was conditioned to say yes because of these past experiences.
It’s about a relative who is in therapy now and has changed a lot. I should give her the right to react to my NO now.

Remembering David X (RIP) and his two rules: who cares what she thinks and I am the most important person in my relationships.

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#23

Thinking of my self image as flexible.
It seems to be an interesting concept.

A self image that can change in a second.

On the other hand there is fear that people won’t like it. They want a reliable person.
They want to objectify me.

These are limiting beliefs to be transcended.

Becoming fluid as a goal. But also with a core character trait of stillness.

Who do I want to be today? Someone who can respond appropriately.

My thoughts are present while I am writing.
They are absent while I am not thinking.
Writing helps me to think.

It is better to think on paper than not think at all.

A flexible self image might be no image at all. It might be a non-concept. A paradox?

Not for the self, just on paper.
There are no concepts were I am.

My Futureself won’t understand it. This state I am in is not permanent. It’s a lie.

I am not as flexible as I wish to be.
I am not flexible at all.

Thinking about non-duality.
It seems to me to be too early for me.
There are people who claim to be awakened.
But it is just a word with many definitions.

I am not awakened. Not by the definition I would prefer. In the past I worked with non duality teachers, met many of there students, but they seem to lack something.

All of them told me about their lacks. Even the teachers themselves.

Maybe I met only false teachers. One seemed pretty much alright. But he was not one of those non duality guys/gals, but a Sufi.
And he turned my life upside down.
Maybe it was already upside down, but I wasn’t aware of it and he put it into an extreme so I could not deny it anymore.

The Sufi teach about the heart and how you need a teacher to help you to clean the problems in it. Maybe I should let another one find me. But this is not how it works. The teacher seems not to come when the student is ready, but when the student has the wrong map for the territory and doesn’t find his way out alone. That’s what I experienced.

I seem to do well these days. The cup is full. I need to stop outshining the master. And empty the cup, so the master can fill it again.

Or I just continue rambling until I have rambled enough.

It seems to me that fast food spiritually is popular these days. Fake prophets with incomplete teachings. They have their role too. To keep those at sleep who are not ready and to let people who are ready to search some more.

Soon mountains will be mountains again. And people will be people again. Not psychological objects to study.

I am just a human being. Not one of the awakened ones or one wanting to be awakened or one wanting to awake others. My job is to do human stuff.

Fun times.

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#24

lol just got inspired to listen to Robert Anton Wilson again. Then I remembered that the last post had the number 23. A number he enjoyed.

Starting now with Cosmic Trigger. And his foreword alone gives me a lot of sign posts about a better map for the territory.

“I don’t believe in anything” (agnosticism)

#25

After my incomprehensible free write, I start with the facts this morning.
It is a rest day. Yesterday I listened to Wanted and the Love Custom.

I enjoy the attraction signs I am getting from the subliminals, but I need to make the decision to act.

I am trying to unravel which blockages keep me from acting:

  • I seem to socialize not so much and only with people I know
  • That’s because I don’t feel like socializing with so-called strangers

Possible solutions:

  • Curiosity - being interested in other people

First goal:

  • Socializing for socializing itself
  • Building up curiosity about people and their beings

Smaller action step:

  • talking a bit more in daily situations like at the cashier in shops

First possible training situation:

  • Going to the tobacco store and doing 1 minute of small talk.

I need to reactivate my social circuits in the brain. They were active in the past, but are at sleep now.
Maybe some circuits are focused on writing. Like sharing stuff about me in my writing. These circuits could be used for direct verbal communication.

#26

The training situation failed because there was someone else talking to the guy at the tobacco store already. They talked about cars, and I am not interested in that topic, so I could not really join.

Need to look out for other training opportunities. Let’s say at events.

I am also tired because I didn’t sleep well last night. I could not sleep until about 4 am and got out of bed 4 hours later. Now I have to work and don’t feel like it at all. Have to push through. Or maybe use Executive.

#27

All work and no play makes jack a dull boy.

This morning I listened to the Love Custom. Now I am listening to Ultimate Artist.

Notes:

  • Many attractive women wherever I go, some seem interested, some not - They are coming out of nowhere, like suddenly working a shops I frequent etc. - MANIFESTATION
  • Action plan needed (see above)
  • Without action plan this is already nice, it gives me confidence, but at one point the confidence should lead to action (initial courage needed)

I am syncing very well with my universe. I had the thought that my self-image is alright, but my world image is a bit out of whack. Yesterday, I began meditating on seeing the world as beautiful. The world is based on my inner representation of it. If my inner representation is ugly, how could the world be beautiful or a more beautiful world be manifested?

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#28

Today is a rest day. And a quiet day at work.
I am bored, browsing 4-5 websites while waiting for the next work objective.
Being at the office, I can’t work on my private projects. Or just a little, like posting here :wink:

Seeing my world as more beautiful seems to work well.

What I noticed is that when I was buying lunch today, the guy at the Italian guy at the restaurant seemed to behave overtly nice, but was at the same time manipulating me. Like saying, I should choose the larger portion of pasta because it is better. And then the larger portion seemed smaller than the small portion. I am missing the Alpha responses I got from Khan.

#29

Today
It’s a rainy day. The program for today is Wanted and Love Custom.
I will work from home mostly, but go outside in the late afternoon.

Changing the stack?
I am still thinking about changing my stack. Khan Stage 1 seems to be interesting and even Emperor Fitness Stage 3. But I am unsure about EF because I am interested in weight loss mostly.
In this line of think, what could I kick out? Ultimate Artist? The Love custom itself? I am unsure about it, so I won’t change the stack too early. I should give it at least 30 active listening days.

The stats
Heartsong Custom 10 active days / 10 loops
Wanted 3 active days / 3 loops
Ultimate Artist 2 active days / 2 loops

I seem to have missed one listening day of UA or I didn’t write it down.
Now I am listening to the Love Custom / Heartsong custom at 8:39 am. Will update the stats later

#30

Results from the Love custom so far

  • I seem to manifest beautiful women. They appear in places where other people have been working before for example. Also there are sometimes more attractive males around (Yggdrasil?)
  • Better getting out of bed and more energy throughout the day (The Architect?)
  • Sometimes I walk differently, with more elegance (Elegance?)
  • While listening to the custom I relax certain body parts that have been tense (Harmonic Singularity)

The heart still seems to be closed a bit. I am more in thinking mode, at least when I am writing on paper. Less emotional or let’s say only good emotions :smiley: Which is nice by itself. There is also boredom - probably caused by not taking action.

Results from Wanted so far

  • What I noticed is that I see more people who have a nice style of clothing. This makes me wonder what would be possible if I started to invest in fashion.
  • The manifestation of attractive people described above could also come from Wanted

Results from Ultimate Artist so far

  • I am writing more, but less fiction. Maybe writing non-fiction is my art.
  • I have gotten opportunities to work in other art forms, like video and these were a lot of fun, too
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#31

Might think that Joie de Vivre and The Wonder might have something to say here as well :wink:

Glad to hear that you seem to enjoy Elegance, I love that module and how it makes body movements so smooth :slight_smile:

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#32

Yes, it is very likely that the subliminal voices of those two modules help.

At the moment I feel tired, sad and bored. But I don’t want to make a story out of it. Feeling it is enough. It’s bearable.

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#33

Feeling good. Decided to work on good habits an I am listening to Good Habit Sanguine Ultima now. Trying to kick one addiction at a time.

Developed a new model for my mind which seems to be helping me with kicking nicotine. Imagine my self to be the king in his throne room and only letting people in that he decides to let in. (Blocking those who are saying: c‘mon smoke a cigarette.) I like the metaphor better than the one with the boat, the captain and the Crew. Still need to experiment with it.

#34

Listening to the first chapter of illuminatus! Part 1 by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson, I notice just as the chapter ends it is 20:03 o’clock.

Fun times.

#35

Listening to a second loop of Sanguine Good Habit Ultima.

No nicotine use today so far. Very visual thoughts arising about smoking a cigarette or using nicotine pouches. I am ignoring them.

Now I want to plan for the future. Never use this unhealthy and very addictive substance again. New narrative: I don’t abuse substances for feeling better as usual. I feel good without substances. And when I feel uneasy I still can watch that feeling without having to do something about it.

#36
  1. I choose to listen to Wanted today instead of Ultimate Artist. Possible positive reactions from women make me feel good. That’s how it is. In the past I would have said: BUT good feelings should come from inside (inner locus of validation). Now I say: Accept reality as it is NOW.
  2. Ultimate Artist seems to be uninteresting at the moment too, as I stopped publishing on one of the platforms for a while. BUT I will add it into my listening schedule in two days.
  3. So yeah here I am. Let’s think about my life. Feeling WANTED seems to benough for me most of the time, taking ACTION on it seems to be not so interesting for me. I don’t know exactly why that is. Probably because I have the to reactivate the brain circus which is responsible for that.
  4. I started a psychotherapy with the premise of working on my relationship problems. Now it is more about body language and I don’t like it. I don’t like it because I can’t do the exercises, they remind me of being in school and all the pressure from being the worst of them all in physical education. A traumatic experience caused by my genetic inability to move correctly? What I today know it wasn’t my fault. But the hurt feelings are still lingering.
  5. I will stay in my comfort zone for a while. Outside of it awaits evil. Layer for layer I peeled of my social anxiety. Now I have to peel away the boredom layer. Or add anew layer: Taking action.
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#37
  1. Now I am feeling first signs of aggressive thoughts. It’s the result of stopping nicotine yesterday. Let’s see how I can live with it.
  2. It reminds me of the aggresion I had when I was using alpha subs. Aggression doesn’t have to be bad, as long it isn’t pure anger. But also pure anger can be helpful.
  3. Listening to more or less aggresive music to channel the feelings, feels good. I missed the agression in the past weeks. Now it seems to be back thanks to kicking an addiction.
  4. Let’s see if the aggression gets me into trouble. At the moment it seems moderate.
#38
  1. No trouble from the aggression. It felt powerful to feel aggressive but I did not express it or act on it.
  2. Talked to my sister. She wants to be let go. I interpret it of letting go of her old self before spiritual development and hypnotherapy. I try my best.
  3. Day 2 of nicotine withdrawal seems to be okay. A little bit of aggressive commanding eye contact in public. I felt like a controlling alpha. I feel bored in public a lot normally, so I’m happy that my mind has found a new occupation. Haha.
  4. I hope to transcend this controlling frame soon and transcend the boredom too. Maybe I should start reading on public transport or restart day dreaming.
#39

I need to focus on something else. Pictures of using nicotine fly around in my head. Now I am making some tea.

What else is there to do? I need new friends. I have only friends I can work on volunteer projects with, but no friends I can just hang out with.

I once had a female friend with whom I was going to concerts etc. but I didn’t liked her that much and discontinued that connection when I noticed that.

I could go out alone but I don’t feel ready yet.
Why do I even want to go out? To get different thoughts aside from dreams of nicotine.

Going to a party would not be the right decision because there would be plenty of room to fall back into the habit of nicotine consumption.

It would not be that bad but I choose to stay away from nicotine. So be it.

What’s going on right now?
I am looking to socialise but I don’t know who I might contact. I am bored but also interested in getting out of the house because my neighbor is listening to his music again.

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#40

Slept for a few hours after Limit Destroyer Ultima with intense dreams.
I had a moment at around midnight where I just seemed to lay in bed, no thoughts going on, mostly dissociated from the body. Felt interesting as if my existence could be forever in that timeless state.

Thought Patterns I notice now from yesterday evening after they happened:

  • hating my next door neighbour for listening to music, meaning feeling irritated by his music
  • patterns of thinking I have no friends, poor me

I don’t recognise these patterns as normal patterns of my thinking anymore, but know them from the far past.
Probably triggered by stopping nicotine and maybe the connected distress.

I had repeated an affirmation before sleeping: “I let go of everything that is not me”.
I thought of it as a well done affirmation. When I woke up I questioned if this existence is me and/or if I could let go of it. My answer: no and no. I can let go of it for a short moment, but it will come back…

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