“To love is to value; to be in love is to desire that value as your own.”
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I got four sixes tonight. And today is my anniversary. Well shit.
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So with the exception of one money stack a few weeks ago, I’ve been on a SubClub washout that ended up being several months long.
I broke it today in earnest.
Report follows:
Remember how I ran all 4 khan stages at work that one time then went back home and wife wanted it, and she came so good she was crying?
All 4 stages of EoG now to see what happens lol
so…EoG result.
I ran the full spread today.
Got yet another “pre-approved offer” from my bank for a credit card. which they usually email them, and I apply and got denied because of my credit rating lol
Ran each EoG stage today, 15 mins each.
Got one in the mail today, was gonna say “fuck it” and ditch it. but then was like “Eh, I ran EoG. I’ll see what happens”
Got approved for $1K mastercard this time. which means I can finally use that to pay my recurring expenses each month, and then use the money For those to pay the card off each month.
Automatic credit score boost over time without any more cash outlay. I call that a result.
Haven’t been able to get credit for a few years now because of life shit lol
But…also…result from the Power Switch (Alex Allman) stuff.
I told wife i got approved for a $1K Capital One Mastercard.
And her eyes lit the fuck up. “I can get my lenses?”
Since that’ll be $1500 or so. and I said “No. We still gotta make money for that first. If you go maxing out that card then that’s suddenly a few hundred dollars each month I’ll have to worry about paying back. No. Figure out how to make money for those.”
I mean yeah she’d be ecstatic that she can see.
EDIT: A lot has changed since I wasn’t journaling as much.
- I went back to my office job from before (the one I left to work at the store “full time”)
- I went back to the store job on nights to pay for wife’s lenses she needs faster.
- I ended up quitting the store job Thursday last week (might journal about that later).
- We’re not any better financially than before (except the card).
- The lenses are scleral lenses that basically “replace” her corneas.
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I want to make the women cry. Haha! Good stuff!
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There’s a building near the hotel. Used to be a Staples. But it’s been closed for a while.
Sometime early this year, construction crews showed up and demolished the whole inside. Tore off the front. Rebuilt it. Now it’s a sort of 24/7 clinic.
I’m on my 3rd reading of Atlas Shrugged. Each time I read it I find “new” things.
Back during my very long washout is when they opened the clinic up.
A few days ago I was driving past it and looked at it and was overcome by a sense of “pride”(?)
Pride in the ability of humankind to have an idea (such as a clinic) and then take actions to make the idea manifest.
I’m not sure pride is the right word. But it’s a sense that it’s “right” or “moral” to build. New construction is “right” somehow. Kinda like a fight against entropy.
Big theme of my life lately has been entropy. And the seeking struggle to keep it from gaining ground.
So seeing that clinic open filled me with a good feeling.
Just yesterday I was driving by and saw a staff member taking garbage to the dumpster.
Filled with a sense of reverent awe that that man has a job because SOMEONE had a vision of a clinic where the building sat empty for a long time prior.
And they made that vision into something real in the world.
In a similar vein, when I was in the middle of my reading in Atlas Shrugged a few day ago, I was filled with gratitude for Ayn Rand. And the fact that she devoted YEARS to writing this.
She reportedly spent something like 3-4 years working on writing Galt’s radio speech alone. Many years to plan and write this.
Imagine if she’d instead said “meh, don’t feel like writing today.”
So I’m grateful that she put in the work.
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For bedtime, I queued up 3 mins each of:
Genesis:Happy Happy Joy Joy
Heartsong
GLM: At the Top
Libertine
Love Bomb (not the newest version. The one from the Moonbeam stack)
DR: Regen
Across the Stars (Alala)
No dream recall.
Woke up feeling a tad tired. But not more than usual. That’s just me not wanting to get up in the mornings because of life situations.
On the way to work, U2s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” popped on my playlist.
I was overcome with a sense of reverent awe for life itself in general. And more of the specific thing of gratitude that humankind has the ability to CREATE. The Power of Creation.
It wasn’t the lyrics/content of the song itself. But more just appreciating how adept Bono is with vocals.
Then thinking how much time (YEARS) he put into honing his craft.
I’ve always loved that song, because of the beat, the vocals, etc. This is a new depth of love for it now, though.
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As I was getting in my car this morning at the hotel, I saw medics bring a guy out the Emergency Room entrance of that clinic (It’s next door to the hotel and my car was facing the clinic from my parking spot).
I felt compassion for this guy. Old guy. looked to be 70s/80s. On the gurney. IV attached. I felt compassion for him and also felt gratitude yet again that someone’s vision of this place led to to this guy getting the help he needs.
Then I took off for work (leading to the post above).
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I’m feeling led to stack The Revelation of Wealth in with DR: Regeneration. That seems prudent now.
And given the nature of those 2, I’ll include Hero Origins: Sage and Blade. The Virtue scripting also seems prudent.
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I’m thinking I should bring Emperor back in eventually
I need some of that resilience.
I definitely don’t feel strong or resilient anymore
I think DR: Regen is removing some blinders or something. like I’ve been really tired for a while but been deluding myself about how serious it is.
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“Only he who is fully sovereign, fully productive, and fully self-mastered may lead.”
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I think Regen has me the closest I’ve been in a while to being able to cry. Still not doing it, but so much must be happening below the surface for me to even feel the things I am.
Bedtime:
5 mins each. Regen, Revelation of Dreams, Mind’s Eye
Goal: work toward fixing my lucidity (been “broken” since 2007 with rare exception).
My dream recall as of late has been shot, due to being hella tired, sleeping less (to accommodate formerly having 2 jobs).
Dream recall last night was immense. Heavily symbolic dreams.
No lucidity, but imagine waking up and remembering so much dream. Elated.
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I took the below selfie earlier on TikTok. But as I did I mentally imagined I was Tywin Lannister. Channeled him as I took the pic. Felt his cunning and wisdom.
An old friend liked it immediately. Said “hi, love”
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Great pic, bruv.
Looking good.
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Brilliant prompt share from @Saiyan4Blue
Ask me 10 questions that reveal things about myself that i am unaware of. Ask them 1 by 1 and don’t explain the reason behind them
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I woke up with a mild itch in my left eye. it got worse as I drove to work.
Was horrible by the time I was at my desk. Felt like dirt in my eye. watering enough I kept it l closed and just blinked a lot.
So I downloaded paragon to the work computer and ran a single loop while working.
was 50% better by the time the loop was over. And just kept getting better!
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I figure the eye was a manifestation of 3+ months without a single full day off.***
When I woke up, and my eye hurt bad enough for me to notice, my very first thought was “Great. If I go out of commission, we’re REALLY fucked! I’m tired of this!”
When I started reflecting on the situation and how skewed/lopsided/“unfair” it is, my eyes started acting up again until I realized and then was like “Aight. I get it.” and it quit haha
*** Long story. Alluded to it previously above in this journal. Wife is jobless still, and any time I’m not working at the day job she wants to instacart (so I can at least do SOMETHING to help, even though that involves me having to be there since she can’t drive yet, her eye situation, etc)
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Let’s say there’s a gentleman we’ll call Shmalpatine who is married to his wife (Mrs. Shmalpatine).
No matter what Shmalpatine tries to do to get ahead financially, stuff seems to happen (which sometimes COULD be attributed to Mrs. Shmalpatine subconscious/unconsciously sabotaging said efforts).
If Shmalpatine runs the Revelation of Wealth title to get more insight into the nature of wealth and how it flows and all that, could this inadvertently lead to the dissolution of their Shmarriage, due to incompatible financial worldviews and beliefs?
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Today’s microstack (3 mins each of):
- Alchemist – Stage 1 (“Spiritual” detox)
- BILLionaire V3.1 (all 4 EoG stages + R.I.C.H. core)
- Revelation of Wealth (belief rebuild)
- Emperor Core (action/sovereignty)
- Wanted (magnetism)
Running now.
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Dream. Prompt.
House Reno
We (wife and I) have found a townhouse that we need to renovate to move into. I’m not really feeling living there.
The townhouse next door is also in a state of semi-disarray. But I get the sense that I really want to live in THAT townhouse.
I think I used to live in that townhouse and would rather live there, than in this new one we found.
Nostalgia? not sure.
Aardvark
I walk into wherever we’re living (this isn’t tied into the townhouse dream at all afaik). Wife is there talking to Aardvark (girl from 2010 I mentioned in previous chats I had a thing for).
Aardvark is there with her family. Her, her kids (she’s married IRL now), her mother. I’m floored as wife never met Aardvark, so of course I’m wondering what led her to be HERE, of all places.
I’m happy to see her, of course. So we all end up spending the day together. I’m talking to her kids, talking to her.
As the day winds down, they’re in their vehicle, I’m looking at Aardvark sitting in one of the rear seats. I feel like there’s so much I want to say to her. Apologizing for being weird about things before. Of course I can’t/won’t since the wife is right there. She and I just look at each other. I sense she had a lot to say too, but understood that we can never be together. blah blah. And I’m feeling accepting of that.
The mother asks me to lead us in prayer before they had back to the place they live. I said “Well, I’m not really of the faith anymore. But I’ll do my best.”
I offer up a prayer basically thanking God for bringing Aardvark back into my life, even though she’s blocked me on everything IRL. Just happy to see her again. Still filled with a sense of love for her, but not romantic. That part is hard to get out into words.
I start to call her my “bestie” but stop short since Cart Girl is my “bestie” according to the wife. Yeah, Wife calls CG my Bestie.
So I stop short, and just say “A good friend”. I open my eyes from my prayer and realize they’re already driving away. I feel a bit dejected. start to chase after their car, but then stop.
Carjacking
Right after the they leave (see “Aardvark” dream), wife and I go to get in the rental car we had. (We’ve been renting cars from Turo to do Instacart since my car is currently out of commission).
There are 2 guys hanging around the vehicle. I feel a bit nervous about the. One resembles Jason Beghe (Actor on Chicago PD) and I feel like they’re there to mess with us.
I nod and say “Sup?” and they say “Sup?”
I get into the passenger sear, and go to pull my door shut, and “Jason” pulls out a pea shooter. Derenger looking thing and says “You’re done.” I get the sense they’re trying to steal the rental vehicle. I say “Like hell!” and slam the door shut.
Wife had already had the vehicle started. I scream. “Reverse! Get us out of here. GO!”
She slams into reverse and drives back, pops it in forward and speeds off. swerving around a couple corners, I figure we’re in the clear at least. She swerves around another corner and there’s 4 or so people on roller skates or roller blades in the road. all over the place. like a carjacking derby.
Suddenly a shot rings out, and one of the skaters falls down dead. wife keeps driving, and I’m barking out orders when to turn to get away.
My thoughts are predominantly about the rental vehicle being stolen or damaged, leaving me on the hook for the costs.
I felt bad the one person got shot and killed. But my thoughts then to to what I’ll say to the cops to explain all this.
She keeps driving away and I woke up. snapped awake.
Later introspection this morning, it’s as if parts of me are trying to keep me in place.
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